Lies of Silence
by OutLawFem
Summary: I used to be the love of Sirius Black's life. After he was imprisioned I married no other than his mortal enemy. Follow my story through the years of the wars, torn between the love for two men. SiriusOCSeverus. M for reason!
1. Introductions

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except my OC's. All the others belong to the wonderful JKR! This is my first story, I hope you will like it (reviews would be more than welcome). Please keep in mind: English is not my mother tongue, but I'll do my very best.

**Chapter 1 **

–**Introductions-**

I slammed the newspaper onto the table. This couldn't be the truth! My husband was dead and

I had to read it in the Daily Prophet. My eyes started darting from the headline to the window

to the fireplace and back, I felt like someone was strangling me while a fist was clenching my

heart.

A fight in Hogwarts. Voldemort defeated, Harry Potter saved the world and my husband was killed. My trembling fingers found the edge of a chair. He always had things under control, he was so powerful, this could not have happened to him.

I sat down and like a dark wave the truth hit me, tears started pouring from my eyes and I screamed out in misery. Severus would never come back home to me.

* * *

First of all, let me explain who I am and where I stand. I want to tell you my whole story, where it all began and where it all started to go horribly wrong. Don't jump on any conclusions too early.

My name is Sadra Burke and I am a grandniece of infamous Caracatus Burke, founder of Borgin & Burkes. My parents are Cyrill and Mirelle Burke, a born Malfoy. So –as you will have already guessed- I am a pureblooded witch. As far as my childhood is concerned I have no sob stories to tell you. I simply had everything- money, friends, fun. I was and still am tall and slender, with blond hair and dark emerald green eyes and some really good curves all in the right places. Didn't help me in the end…

But to make a long sentence short- I didn't miss a thing during my schooldays. My parents had sent me to Durmstrang because my father despised Dumbledore with such an energy only a crazy pureblood fanatic could ever master.

But it wasn't all that bad. Of course, being a girl was always harder in Durmstrang than in Hogwarts because the school wasn't exactly sponsoring the equality of women and men, but it didn't matter to me, because I still found a lot of friends there and the fights with the boys have made me tougher, I believe. I have never been the girlie-girlish one. That is clearly the job of my younger sister Serena, who came to Durmstrang two years after me.

Finally, my youngest sister Sasha came to school the year I graduated- she was the last try to have a boy, but since this didn't work out she was just the most spoiled brat on earth.

I met my first private Waterloo in shape of Kassian Gradic. He was my second boyfriend and I left my first one- Steven Krum, yes- uncle of Victor Krum and nearly as good in Quidditch as he is- for him in my sixth year. First, it worked out pretty well. I graduated with agreeable marks, the only thing I was really good at was dueling since I had to practice so much in my free time. Kassian and me traveled around quite a lot before I started working at Gringott's in Prague. I could already see us in front of a cosy fireplace, watching our kids and live in perfect harmony. Anyway, obviously this idea scared him and one day he told me that he couldn't see himself married to me and dumped me right there. Next thing I heard was that he had found a girl who had advertised in the "she searches for him" section of _Witch weekly_ after two weeks and was sitting in front of a cosy fireplace with her now. It took me ages to overcome this slap in the face.

* * *

Now we've actually reached the point where I want to begin- it was the summer of 1979. I was still sad, mad and frustrated because of Kassian when I was promoted and had to start a job in London. I remember that I wasn't too glad about it, since I had been to England only on holidays for nine years and didn't miss it too much, but it was a very good offer, so I agreed.

I already found myself a nice flat in London and was quite happy that Serena, who had graduated this year, would be starting to work for the Ministry of Magic in London and lived in the city as well. At least always someone to visit.

It was a hot day in august and I was in the- we should call it castle fairly- house of my parents in Berwick, Scotland preparing for a garden party in London hosted by the Black family.

I wanted to take the opportunity to stay in London after that, because my parents were most annoying. All my mother was interested in was gossip- we could do whatever we pleased as long as no gossip occurred. Sounds fun, but she wasn't interested in anything else either. There was no way to talk about problems with her, she would just say:

'I don't know what to tell you/how to help you' and change the subject. On the other hand, she could spend hour after hour discussing the mishaps of other persons or their horrible children. We often joked that we were sent to Durmstrang so that none of our misbehaving could reach the isle.

My father compensated whatever by drinking quite a lot and giving heated political speeches no one wanted to hear. Otherwise he was okay- he treated us like precious little princesses even though we knew that his greatest wish had been a son to carry on his name. The name Burke was far from the danger of dying out but most men tend to want a male heir. Especially the pureblooded ones.

* * *

So, that very late afternoon I closed the diamond necklace and looked in the goblin-made mirror. The black dress I wore was banging- I had to admit. And perfect did it look with the shine. Allright, when it came to shopping I could become pretty girlish.

"Here you are. We want to leave now. I don't want to miss a thing. It is going to be spectacular! The first Black party since Orion died. I can't wait to see how Walburga took it and what she looks like. Nearly didn't leave the house ever since. And this useless son of hers didn't even attend the funeral! Never talked to her since he ran away! And that is three years ago!" my excited mother said, stepping into the room. I didn't listen to her properly. I didn't know the Blacks. My parents and they had become friends after I had started Durmstrang, so I knew none of them- useless or not. My mother stopped and inspected my necklace. I could tell by her eyes that she envied me for being young.

"Well, that's a bit too much, don't you think?"

"Nah."

"Your choice. I want you to be polite and charming tonight. You will meet a lot of very very important people. Now come." She swept out agian. Tall, slender and blond- the way all Malfoys are. I shook my head. I loved these peep talks. Like I was some kind of uncontrollable monster most of the day…

"Yeah, important people like James-pain-Potter and ugly-Yaxleys with a bit of Crabbe." I sighed following her.

"No, Potters aren't invited. They dared to criticize the idea of purebloods ruling over the wizarding world and the muggles. Traitors they are and surely not welcome anymore. James- so is rumored- is even married to a mudblood now!" my mother said heatedly. I shrugged. The last time I met James Potter was before I was send to school abroad. I remembered him as a horrible urchin who loved nothing more than to torture us girls. If anything, I felt sorry for his wife.

"Don't you ever go and marry doubtful blood-"my dear mother continued- "The consequences can be horrible these days. After all, you have to think about the future of your children."

I didn't respond. I was twenty and sure enough not thinking about children now. But I let her talk, sometimes she just got kicks out of listening to herself.

Downstairs I already heard my father praising the latest changes due to the Dark Lord. Serena and Sasha both rolled their eyes when I stepped in the living room. My father was having a glass of Martini. Who on earth was interested in politics?


	2. Encounters

**Chapter 2**

**-Encounters-**

Unfortunately a lot of people. The party was soooo boring. The second we appeared, Walburga Black was in charge and fussing around us. I just didn't like her, period. Her husband Orion had been quite a dangler when he was younger, and still you could see on the pictures she had positioned everywhere how beautiful he must have been. My mother was talking to Walburga all the time and if I overheard them correctly they were plotting how they could make one of me or my sisters marry precious little Regulus. He was looking very good, but after all, he was still a sixteen-year-old-boy in school. My father was giving speeches as usual. He was quite drunk, but the audience- consisting of very (and I am talking about veeeeeery) old wizards- was captivated. Around my age there were Lucius Malfoy, Narcissa Black, her sister Bellatrix and Winston Crabbe. Bella annoyed me by telling me everything about her marriage to Rudolphus Lestrange in September and how glad she was about marrying such an important and powerful man. Yawn…I drank quite a lot of elf-made wine that evening, believe me, I already had the feeling that I had begun to peer.

Luckily, my sister Serena suggested a trip to the Leaky Cauldron. Sasha made a face, but she wasn't allowed in pubs yet- thank Merlin. Maybe she could use the evening to converge Regulus.

"I think they won't miss us." Serena announced, when some old-fashioned music resounded from an even more old-fashioned gramophone. So we went to the Leaky, accompanied by Narcissa and Crabbe. Bella went home, asserting she wanted to see her spouse and Lucius said he had important business to attend.

* * *

The pub was overcrowded and Crabbe was already getting on my nerves. We found a table in the back. Serena waved to the left and to the right, clearly she knew everyone in here.

"What you waving that Evans cow for?" spat Narcissa suddenly. I interrupted the studies of the card to take a look at the 'Evans cow'. I saw a slender and pretty young witch with thick red hair and eyes that strongly remembered me of my one. She was squeezing herself through the crowd in direction of the exit. Behind her- believe me- my heart skipped a few beats- was the most beautiful man on earth. He was tall with broad shoulders and thick jet black hair. His eyes seemed to be steel-grey and his face was picture perfect. He looked annoyed at the sight of my co-partners. Still, after all these years I remember the sensation in my stomach the sight of him had once caused. I quickly turned away.

"Isn't it Potter cow now?" Crabbe blurted.

"Excuse me?" I raised an eyebrow. What was the retard talking about?

„Isn't she married to the bastard yet?"

"Yeah, I think so. But I have to greet her. She is working in the same Department as I am. She might even become my superior." Serena replied coolly. Yes, the Burkes are opportunistic, in case you wonder.

Meanwhile, other persons had approached our table.

"These are Evan Rosier and Miraculus Flint." introduced Narcissa proudly. Especially Rosier, who was a few years older than the rest, obviously had a spontaneous crush on me. I had the distinct feeling that he was undressing me with his eyes. Merlin, no.

"And what was Black doing here?" Crabbe asked them.

Flint shrugged. "I don't know. They came in from the back door and left through the front door. I don't know what they were up to. Maybe Evans allowed Black a few quick thrusts between her legs in the yard. She is a mudblood whore and sure enough Blacky and Potty share everything." he laughed roughly.

"I doubt." Rosier grinned. "Black has enough girls on his name. Believe me, he just dumped Delilah Crackell, the mudblood scum. Been crying her eyes out for weeks. He's just a womanizer like his dear father."

Hear, hear. I admit, I was pretty disappointed. On the other hand- what was to expect from a man who looked like Gregory Peck and was rumored to be a troublesome blood-traitor?

I tried to forget this gorgeous face and concentrate on the discussion, but all they were talking about was stupid politics again. How the Dark Lord would overcome the old system and how he would lead all the purebloods to wealth, glory and power. I had to suppress a yawn and allowed Rosier to refill my glass for the sixty-eight time- or so it felt.

Some time later Narcissa said, that Lucius and she were about to meet in some pub in Nockturn Alley. The others decided to accompany her, but I pretended being too tired to come with them and told them that I would be heading home.

The very second I saw the last piece of cloak disappear in the yard, I turned on the heel and made myself comfortable at the bar. I was drunk, but I intended to become completely wasted. They had bored the hell out of me, I hadn't even been able to enjoy my intoxication. Being half-drunk was wasted money, pray tell. So I ordered a Firewhisky and some wine.

* * *

Expectably, I wasn't alone very long- no woman, who sat alone at the bar of the Leaky would be. No matter how old or ugly she was. And I was neither.

A hunky, blond wizard aged somewhere around thirty reached me first. He was quite good looking so I allowed him to sponsor my liquor.

"My.. name.. is.. Mallo..Mallolm, Malcolm Bns..Bos…"

Right, my opponent appeared to be just as wasted as I intended to become. There was no sense in talking to him, so I allowed him goggle into my cleavage and enjoy himself. Merlin, this was boring, too. How would I be able to get rid of him now?

It was nearly one o'clock in the morning when a cold breeze from the opening door touched my skin. I turned my head and to my greatest delight I saw no other person standing there than James Potter! I hadn't seen him for ages, but his ruffled hair and the hazel eyes with the glasses were distinctive. And yes- he had grown to be a man. Okay, he had been a prick as a child, but right now I was enthralled. He was going to save me.

"JAMES!" I screamed a little overenthusiastic. My fellow turned slowly, nearly falling from his barstool. Behind James a second, even taller frame appeared in the doorway.

"Mallo, this is my dear friend James!" I announced while James and his companion came towards us. Malcolm slid from his stool and slurred:

"What you tallin' bitch? Thought we have fun..hicks..now. Plain'…"

James looked at him despicably. "I am under the impression you had enough fun. Go to bed now or we will have a problem."

Merlin, yes! I loved masculinity. Even when it was my fault that two men had to play the idiot Stone Age-games, it still gave me a kick. James played demonstrative with his wand. Mallo whatever mumbled words that sounded like curses, but obviously came to the conclusion that he wasn't in the condition to win a duel or even bring out a substantial word, so he tried to push James. James raised an eyebrow and made a step to the side, so that poor Mallo smashed against the door. Tom, the barmen threw him out entirely.

"Thank you!" I beamed at James. "This guy was completely wasted. In any sense."

James grinned and slumped onto the stool next to me.

"And what in Merlin's name are you doing here, Sadra? At such a late hour?" Suddenly, his companion stepped up to us. Drunk as I was, I had already forgotten about his shadow. During the little Mallo versus James conversation he had talked to someone else with his back to us, apparently knowing that he wouldn't be needed. The similarity to his brother and father was really striking. But he looked best by far. So tall and broad, his raven black hair waved in casual elegance. His features bold and majestic. You should have seen him. You would have fallen for him, too if you are not one of the girls who exclusively loves the blond-type-of-guy.

"Oi, may I introduce you to my best friend, Sirius Black? Padfoot, this is Sadra Burke."

He narrowed his eyes, making my knees feel like pudding. How could he be so outrageous beautiful? Very slowly, he reached for my hand and placed a delicate kiss on it, never breaking eye-contact.

"Miss Burke, it is a pleasure to meet you. Where did you leave your lovely companions?"

I didn't answer him. My mind was completely blank. And what should I have said? At least he was talking about my sister, too.

Silence seemed to linger eternally until James cleared his throat.

"Ah, well. Sirius will be nice from now on. Sadra as a good old friend of mine and we don't want to be impolite- considering that she was just about to tell me what she is doing all alone in a wicked bar in London late at night."

I was still staring at Sirius' hand with its perfect long fingers and admired the veins showing on his underarm.

"Ah, what? I mean- excuse me. You called me friend? I was more under the impression that I used to be your doormat and you an extraordinary dirty boot wiping on me. You never let an opportunity pass to torture me."

"Back in those days I had no idea how beautiful you would become or I would have used the opportunity to marry you right away." James winked. "So, tell me- why are you here? Fed up with Durmstrang and Berwick?"

"Yeah, finished school the year before last and came to work here." I bored myself with this explanation.

"Here?" he asked mockingly and looked around the room.

"No, you prat. I want to start working as a whore outside, but I decided to come in here and drink to my new job first."

James looked so stupid that Sirius started to laugh. His laughter was deep and like a bark. Hot.

"I will order some drinks then. We have to toast to your new job. But let's get a table. Threesome on the bar is less fun." Sirius leaned over to the barman Tom to order.

Few minutes later we sat on a table and had already drowned two Firewhisky each. A third was at the ready and James already filled our glasses with wine.

"All jesting aside- why are you here?" James delved further.

"Thirst?" I tried.

„And that's why you come to London all alone in the middle of the night?"

„Why are you here- all alone in the middle of the night?" I teased.

"We are working here and had to work overtime and indeed wanted to drink something. Besides, WE are not alone."

"She wasn't either." interjected Sirius. James looked at him.

"As I've said before- she had some nice company."

"Like who?"

"Like Flint, Crabbe, Rosier and my dear cousin Cissy."

James looked wary, but remained friendly. "Why that?" he asked me.

"Are you two the court of the inquisition?" I snapped.

"No, I was just wondering why you keep such a company."

Sirius was playing with his fingers impatiently. I decided that the truth couldn't do no harm.

"Okay, okay- I will confess. My parents forced us to accompany them to a most boring event- the summer party of the Blacks. The youth- unfortunately including me- decided to leave and come here to drink and put an end to the boredom. Surprisingly, the rest of the youth turned out to be as boring as their parents. When they went to Nockturn Alley I played Princess-in-bad-need-for-sleep and stayed behind to enjoy myself. I met Mello-whatever and you came and saved the day! Happy now?" I finished my report.

James and Sirius bandied a look.

"Do you meet these people often?" Sirius softly asked.

"No! Are you kidding? They are boring as whatnot!"

They seemed to be satisfied and so the cool side of the evening began. We liquor-talked a lot of crazy things and laughed most of the time. Hardly ever enjoyed myself like this.

At three o'clock, James tried to get up. He failed miserably first, but then he managed to and announced shakily that he had to go home to Lily.

"Who that?" I slurred. In between we had too many more Firewhisky and wine and I had already forgotten about her.

"My wife! Lovely!" proclaimed James. "But Padfoot will take of you. Oh yes, I am pretty sure he will- doin' what he does best." James laughed like Crabbe hours before and winked at Sirius before turning to leave.

When I had finally managed to focus on Sirius, he was smiling at me.

"I know a muggle game that is great fun. I think you will love it!"

I tried hard to think if "muggle game" was somehow suggestive, but reached no conclusion before he continued.

"It is called pool. You have some kind of stick and six holes on a table and you have to get balls into these holes. I know a pub, right around the corner where you can play this. You wanna give it a go?" he looked adventuresome.

"Sure!" I laughed and nodded though it definitely sounded suggestive to me now!

I have to explain that at this time it was quite stylish for young witches and wizards to play muggle games. It was just cool, because we knew our parents would hate it. Of course, most of the games were quite stupid if both sides could do magic and did so, but if played fair, it was great fun and some- like poker- were even good methods of training magic.

Anyway, I remember that I linked arms with Sirius and allowed him to lead me to the pub.

And I remember how strong and good his arm felt, how strong and firm his walk was and how good he smelled. And I remember asking myself if I was just drunk or already in love.

In the pub we had a dark and tasty beer named Guiness while he explained the game to me. It was such great fun. And I was completely untalented. Sirius laughed all the time at my feeble attempts to make a good shot.

Suddenly he stepped behind me, grabbed me around my waist, leading my arm with his. "See- if you want the ball to go over there you have to hit it here." he whispered in my ear and made a perfect shot with my arm.

His touch burned like fire on my skin; his gravelly, sexy voice made my head spin. I took another sip of the delicious beer to remain calm.

"Another game?" he asked, I nodded 'yes'. If only I wouldn't have been so drunk! I staggered.

Sirius stood right next to me, grabbing my arm. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, sorry. Just tired." He looked directly into my eyes. I had to look away.

I felt his hand cupping my chin and directing my gaze back to his eyes.

"You are incredibly beautiful." he said softly.

The words of Rosier came back to my mind. I couldn't stand it. Not another man to break my heart. I would not be able to survive this.

"I need to go to bed." I whimpered.

"Sure." He paid and took me outside.

"Where do you live? I will take you home."

I was so drunk, I started to cry. I hated him for being a womanizer and not the man of my life and I hated myself for being such an idiot and I hated everything. I especially hate myself when I start to cry because I am so ruddy drunk, but that is the way it was that night.

"Now, now. Come here." He opened his cloak and pulled me against his strong chest, closing the cloak over us.

So I cried a little, he just stroked my hair silently. That made me even more aggressive- obviously he knew how to treat a crazy drunk woman.

"Are you a womanizer?" I blurted out.

"A what?" He laughed.

"What about Dalilah?" I sobbed.

"Delilah? How do you know about her? Ah, sure- Rosier. She fancied me, I took her out a few times, but I didn't develop any feelings for her and that's it."

I could have kicked myself, even though I was drunk as hell.

"Yes. All was well. I need no man."

"You need your bed, not a man indeed." he whispered. His voice was pure erotic.

I was already falling asleep. "Hey, I need to know where to take you."

I mumbled my new address and felt him apparating us away.

"Here we are." I didn't want to leave this warm, safe place under no circumstances.

"Come on, I'll take you upstairs."

"No, I can go on my own." I announced with all dignity I could muster. He just told me that I needed a bed- not him, which meant I wasn't sexy (yeah- hail to the logic of a drunk person).

"Okay, as you wish."

"I do not like you."

Next I felt his lips slightly brushing mine.

"I know. Sleep tight and sweet dreams." he whispered and was gone.

"Stay." I whispered begging. But there was no one to hear me.


	3. Contentions

**Chapter 3**

**- Contentions-**

Lying on my bed this night I felt that king alcohol and me had just managed to deprive me of my only chance to get happy. Sirius later told me, that he did fall for me the very second I told him that I could go on my own. Little did I know when I woke the next morning- literally.

I had a horrible headache and huge parts of the evening were missing. There was only the deep need to feel ashamed of myself.

* * *

"Padfoot? This early?" Lily laughed. "James already told me- or at least tried- that you met a beautiful woman and surely would get no sleep tonight."

"Close catch. Is he already awake?"

„Yes- come on in. I will make you a nice coffee and I think that I have some Hangover-Potion left."

Sirius was a passionate coffee-drinker unlike most English people and drank the coffee Lily provided more than happily.

The Potter's flat was tiny, suitable for only one and a half person, but they were undisturbed there, so they refused to move to the Potter sen. mansion in Godric's Hallow. James appeared in boxers and yawned widely.

"Padfoot, what's up with you? Need a coffee before going to bed?"

"Uh, Prongs and sexy you do look again. No, I am here because of Sadra."

James hesitated.

„Why? Are you afraid she needs a father for the child you just made her?"

„Pretty funny. I delivered her at her door and that was that."

„You are joking, right? Did she turn out to be a Chimera?"

„No, course not."

„Then you are ill!" James shrieked. „Lily- we need a potion against fever! Sirius claims that he didn't bring it to an end with the best looking witch ever- except you- last night!"

"What up, Prongs? You think I am a womanizer, too?"

"Well, we should leave the answer to Azraelle, Yezabel, Vestalia and the others, don't you think?"

"Listen, I told all these women, that I wasn't intending a "serious" thing. They said they would be fine with that, but then they started with their granny's birthday I should attend and their stupid family pictures. And Vestalia was just fine with it, because she was seeing Peter Wood on the side. I will never forget this duel."

"Neither will I!" James grinned. "Now, what is your problem? Is she not okay with a non-'serious'-situation? The next one will surely come along, my cute bow-bow!"

„No, that's the problem. I have the strong feeling I do want to see her again, serious or not."

„No! Are you trying to tell me, that you fancy her?! Mister-don't-need-no-relationship-because-it's-limiting-me-and-an-auror-is better-off-alone?"

Lily beamed. "I knew that you would meet the girl one day!"

"No, it is wrong. I just feel… I don't know. She is so nice and funny. We had such great fun yesterday, never felt this way around a woman. But in the other hand- everything is wrong. She is a Burke. The purebloodest thing available. My mother would just love me for seeing her."

"Come on, if it turns out to be love- this just doesn't count!" Lily said.

"And her company yesterday doesn't make it easier for me." Sirius sighed.

"Dunno." James admitted.

"Oh, come on guys! Sirius just met her yesterday. Let's say he has a crush on her. If she is evil, I am sure he will find out soon. And if she doesn't like him, too. Then he might have to live with a broken heart, but on the other hand- this is an experience HE should make!" Lily laughed.

James and Sirius grinned.

* * *

I stood in my flat and everything looked perfect- just the way always had imagined it.

I still felt a bit shaky from the day before, but tonight the next event was planned out. I would go out with my best friend, Clothildis. She had been a year prior to me in Durmstrang, but we were best friends since my third year. I couldn't wait to tell her the latest events, although I was a bit disappointed. Not that I ever expected to hear from Sirius Black again after my embarrassing performance the night before, but...

I opened a bottle of champagne when the bell rang,

"Clot (she loved this nickname) - can you hear bottles open up?" I teased.

"Sure enough. Give it to me. Last week has been terrible. St. Mungo's is killing me."

Clot was a half-blood, the complete opposite of myself. She was black-haired and had bright blue eyes. Together we looked like Snow White and Rose Red. Especially today: I was dressed in black with my beloved sparkling diamonds and Clot wore white with gold jewelry. She had started in St. Mungo's a year ago.

"My stupid healer in charge does never ever allow me a break!" she complained and drowned her glass in one sip. "But- who cares. Let's drink and hope for better times!" I had to laugh, because this was Clot all over!

After drowning two bottles of Champaign quite sisterly and telling her my whole Black-story and how I messed up, we decided to head for the city.

"Magical or mugglish?"

"First magic, then muggle." I suggested.

"Sure enough. First see, if your fine ass shows up somewhere and if he doesn't, we are going to look for a tiny bit of anonymous fun."

"Oh, come on."

"I do. So how about Diagon Alley?" Diagon Alley was overcrowded, we soon found out.

„You know, what would be fun right now?" Clot asked.

„No idea, but I am sure you will come up with something disastrous."

„Yeah, I want to do something despicable."

„Like what?"

„Like Nockturn Alley. "

„Uh, very very despicable. I think I will be too afraid to go there." I teased.

„Don't be stupid. Tonight I want to have a dark wizard. Never had one. Let's give it a go."

"Half of my family consists of dark wizards. How about Christmas with my family next time?"

"That's my girl."

So we went to Nockturn Alley.

In the first club we entered, we met Lucius Malfoy. Here we go, Clot.

"Sadra, what a pleasant surprise!" He kissed my hand. Clot already eyed him with her big blue eyes. He was fly, sure enough.

"And who is this beauty?"

"My cousin Clothildis from Hungary." I lied quickly.

„And hasn't been beauty always the first attribute of the Burkes?" Lucius smiled. "Am I allowed to invite the ladies to a drink?"

Clot laughed: "Yes, sure."

I rolled my eyes. Though Lucius was going to marry Narcissa I wouldn't even have bet my straw that this fact would be of any concern to Lucius later on. We both followed him to the table, where he had been sitting.

Beside the obligatory Rosier, Flint and Crabbe I recognized Regulus Black and two guys I didn't know.

Lucius smiled. "May I introduce you to Sylvanus Mulciber and Severus Snape? These are Sadra Burke and her charming cousin Clothildis."

Mulciber sprang to his feet to embrace us extensively. Snape just got up and shook our hands curtly. He was so pale that I expected his white hand to be cold, but instead it was strong and warm. He had the darkest eyes I ever saw. They seemed to be really black. I wasn't able to look away from these dark eyes, staring at me with such intensity that it was almost unbearable. Quickly, I turned to Regulus.

"Hey, shouldn't you be at home or in Hogwarts?" I was not sure when a school year here started. But at least I was sure that no one that young was allowed in pubs in Nockturn Alley this late.

„Well yes, but my friends here vouched for me."

I raised an eyebrow. "I see." He was not my son, so who cares?

Lucius started talking about the need for strengthening the rights of purebloods. Thinking that Clot was my cousin, he assumed she was one, too. Not the same old story again, please!

But Clot just played the devoted audience: she played with her hair, fluttered her eyelashes, bending her head slightly to the side to show how interested she was. Oh no, I could forget about her. She would surely get what she wanted that night. I know I should have felt guilty or bad for Narcissa, but somehow she just didn't interest me. Allright, honestly I felt that she didn't deserve any better.

I talked with Regulus about this and that, standing all the 'compliments' Rosier gave me and endured all the Quidditch speeches Flint gave. Snape wasn't involved in the conversation, he just looked at me every now and then.

Soon enough Lucius and Clot left to have some 'private time'.

Okay, here she has her dark wizard, I thought to myself. I decided that getting drunk as a dray-man once more wouldn't hurt. I was never the quick learning type.

Suddenly, I heard a loud bang and saw about ten men storming into the pub, their wands raised. Even though these men approached a table in the back of the club, everyone else raised their wands, too. Immediately a fight began between the men who had been sitting on the table in question, supported by some of the surrounding wizards and the men, who I believed to be a squad of aurors.

I also raised my wand, with no idea what to do. Someone grabbed my wrist and pulled it gentle but firm to the side. It was Snape.

"You stay put." he said and went over to the fight. Oi, he was able to speak. Hope beyond hope. His voice didn't suit him, just like his warm handshake hadn't. His voice was deep and calm, he didn't seem to be affected by the proceedings in the slightest.

Meanwhile, the Aurors had captured four wizards and now the surrounding crowd stood back. On the floor there was a giant boiling puddle of something that looked like blood. Apparently, these people had been dealing with dragon blood, a most illegal commodity.

Suddenly, I heard a well-known, but unexpected voice saying my name. I knew it was Sirius Black and his voice was sending spills up and down my spine.

I turned around to face him. Snape looked at him with murder in the eyes while Sirius grinned defiantly at him.

"Snivellus, I am not exactly surprised to see you of all people here. Are you searching for something that is darker than the filth under your nails?"

"Black. I am pleased to see that you finally learned how to succeed when it's only three against one. Usually, you need a person more."

They glared at each other, holding their wands. Then Sirius turned to me again.

"And what are you doing here in this nice, cosy dive?"

"Party." I shrugged.

"And excellent your company is once again." he snarled and turned back to Snape.

„So what?" I was pissed.

"So nothing." He turned around to see one of his colleagues drag Regulus towards him, who was kicking and fighting against the man.

„Sirius, isn't that your little brother?"

"Too right! The very same that should be home in bed now and not drunk in a pub." He grabbed for Regulus' arm, but he shook his brother off.

"You can't tell me what to do!" he was clearly drunk.

"I am going to take you home! Mother will take care of you."

"It's all your fault, you stinking, fucking idiot. Bastard!"

Snape sneered: "Isn't that a heart-rending scene? Family reunion with the Blacks."

Sirius swirled around. "You! You are sitting here with a minor, drinking and are well aware of the fact how old he is!"

He stepped towards Snape, his wand raised. Snape pulled out his and hissed:

"Well, _I am_ not his elder brother to take care of him."

It gave a huge bang when their curses collided in mid-air and exploded. Two Aurors jumped to grab Sirius.

"Stop it! Calm down!" one of them screamed.

Snape lowered his wand. "Shouldn't an Auror be able to check his passions?" he asked sniffy and turned to leave. Sirius tried to get to him, but his colleagues were faster.

"Just leave, Snape. We will have to evacuate the whole pub, anyway. Dragon blood is too dangerous." Snape left without a word and the other Aurors started to bring people out of the room.

I just stood there. Sirius was breathing hard, he was furious.

"What, are you a little dark witch?" he accosted me.

"That's not true."

"What's true then? Are you hanging out with these guys because they are so charming and funny? Yesterday you told us how boring they are. Do you fuck one of them?"

I looked at him. Why did he pop that last question? Was he interested in the answer?

"Merlin, no. I was out with my best friend and she decided to spend the night with someone more masculine than me if you know what I mean. I just stuck here. You can ask all of them."

"Drinking with my brother. You know that he is still in school."

„Come on, I didn't think about it. You act as if this was unforgivable. What did you do in your last holidays? Learn?!"

I knew, I had him. I could see in his eyes that he believed me and was ready to forgive.

"I will make sure my brother gets home. Go to the pub we were yesterday. I will come." While saying this he grabbed for his brother and pulled him out of the pub.

It didn't even occur to me not to do as he had claimed. If I wouldn't do as he wanted now, the case Sirius Black ./. Sadra Burke would be closed for good. So I grabbed my cloak and headed to the pub.


	4. Impressions

**Chapter 4**

**- Impressions-**

An hour later, he still hadn't been there. I sat on the bar and slowly drank a Guiness. I wanted to be clear enough to stand whatever was coming. By this time I was sure, he wasn't going to show up. I searched for some muggle change in my bag and wanted to get up and go when I heard his voice:

"You have been waiting for a long time."

His hands were on my shoulders and he turned me to face him. His eyes were breathtaking. I felt my body aching suddenly, yearning to be closer to him. I never felt this sensation before.

"It took longer than I thought. When my mother heard that I captured my brother, she went off my colleague told me. But waiting could be your punishment for surrounding yourself with scum. What did you do with them?"

I looked at him. "Nothing, I already told you."

He slowly nodded. "Make sure this will never happen again."

"What?"

"To hang out with these people for any reason. They are dangerous. I can't protect you from them and I cannot trust you if you see them."

"And why do you want to trust me and protect me?"

"Oh, come on." he smiled.

"What?" I laughed. My insides were melting.

"Actually, I wanted to ask you out on a date tomorrow. But where do I meet you sooner than I had hoped? In a dive surrounded by scum. For the second time in two days. Doesn't seem to be a coincidence, hmm? Can I trust you to be a good girl? I want to. I will try. Once. So I will ask you now if you want to go out with me next Friday." he flashed his puppy eyes at me.

"Okay." I laughed. "I'll watch my company until then."

* * *

Sirius was lounging in his chair at the Auror bureau, staring at the wall three days later when James entered the room.

"What's it, Padfoot?"

"Hmmmm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"Quite a dreamy expression for nothing."

Sirius smiled warmly.

"You have been thinking about the little Burke, right? You do have a crush on her?"

"I am afraid so. I gotta make her my woman. My woman."

"You will see her on Friday. Never thought this would happen to you."

"Me neither." Sirius sighed. "Though I am still not sure what to think about her."

"Why?"

"Why is she hanging out with those people? Maybe she is really involved into something."

"You will find out soon, I guess." James grinned.

"I don't want to start anything only to find out that she is on the wrong side."

"No guts, no glory."

"I just can't stop thinking."

"Come on, there is Order work that needs to be done. This might distract you." James said and slammed a bunch of paper on the desk.

* * *

I was happy the whole week, waiting for my date with the world's best looking man. I tortured Clot (who reported that Lucius was a three out of ten in bed) with my descriptions of his perfect looks and his heroic behavior. I only stopped when she threatened that she wanted to have a look at him, too.

Friday I looked my best, hopping down the stairs of my building- meeting Sirius! He was waiting outside and looked simply awesome.

"Wow, I am really allowed to show you off in the city?" he asked.

"Yep."

"Allright, let's see if you like my plans for the evening."

He took me to a fly restaurant first, then we went to a muggle cocktail bar and finally we made a disco crawl. He, like my sister, seemed to know everybody. We danced like maniacs, both of us had had a lot of liquor. When we staggered out the disco, he was talking about his work as auror-in-training. Suddenly he stopped and looked me dead in the eye:

"So you see, I have devoted my life to the fight against the dark arts. I want to see you again, but not if you do not despise them in the same way I do." Hear, hear- The heroic tenor.

I hiccoughed. "I really don't know what you are referring to. What makes you think that I am into the Dark Arts?"

"Your friends."

"How often did I tell you that these people aren't my friends?"

"Then don't meet them again. Will you promise?"

I laughed.

"Listen, this is not funny." he responded heated. "Voldemort is getting stronger every day, people are suffering, some disappear or are killed. And you are laughing!" He appeared to be very angry.

I have to admit that at that time I wasn't really interested in Voldemort and his wrongdoings at all. I was in England for a few weeks only and had heard nothing but praise for him. But since I fancied Sirius, I would have done anything to make him happy. And Dark Arts didn't interest me for real. Neither did Crabbe and Company. I eyed him with a –hopefully- guilty expression. He was hot and his masculine, commanding tone made me kind of horny.

"Will you promise?"

I looked at him, playing it shy and whispered: "Okay."

He bent his head down to mine. "What did you say?" he whispered back.

His face was so close. Too close.

I looked up in his eyes and saw nothing but desire there.

„Okay." My lips were almost touching his.

„Okay?" He still came a little closer. His lips brushed mine.

I felt a hot wave of lust in my lap.

"Okay." He grabbed my neck and pulled me into a kiss. My mind went numb, I only felt desire and nothing else. His kiss was strong and playful, demanding more.

He pressed my back against the wall, covering my body with his and kissed me even more passionately.

"Okay?" His voice was hoarse with lust.

"Aha." was all I could bring out. He kissed me again, this time his hands started to explore my body, gliding over my hips and my back, stroking me longingly, asking for more. His touch was burning even through the clothes.

I never wanted a man like this. I am not exactly proud of what I did- let's say that I did it that fast- but I wanted him.

His hands had reached my butt, he was stroking it just the way I love it. I felt that he lifted me up a bit, so I entwined my legs around his waist and felt his erection- and yes, it was all there. He turned and apparated us somewhere, never breaking the kiss. I didn't know where we were, I didn't even want to. I felt that I was thrown on a soft bed and Sirius instantly was over me again. I shivered in anticipation and lust. Our bodies responded to each other like two magnets, unable to part without force. We started fighting with our clothes, until I heard him mumble something and we both were naked except for our underwear. While still kissing me, his fingers found the way to my thong and around the tiny fabric.

With one finger he started to stroke my clit. I moaned with pleasure. His movements were secure and confident, he knew exactly how to do this. A second finger entered me. When he felt that I was close to my orgasm, he stopped. I groaned in disapproval when he pulled his finger out of me.

"Slowly, Baby." he whispered in my ear, causing goose bumbs all over my body.

Then he grabbed my legs and pulled me towards the edge of the bed. Quickly he pulled down the thong and slid inside of me again with one finger. With his tongue he took care of my clit. It took only seconds until I started to moan and to move my hips with his rhythm.

My moaning turned him on incredibly, I knew he couldn't play this game forever or he would be exploding. He had to fuck me. He sped up his movements, sucking my clit and allowed me to come with a scream of pleasure.

He got up and stood between my thighs. I was panting, my legs shivering slightly. He got rid of his boxers quickly, I followed his movements with my eyes, finally looking at his manhood. He ripped off my bra, kneeling on front of me and adored my curved body, unable to hold himself back any longer. My were nipples hard and waiting for his touch. He grabbed my hair and pulled me gently closer, but I opened my mouth, bend towards him and started to suck him. I felt how he got carried away by my hot lips and my playful tongue. But he wanted to hold back, so he pushed me into the sheets and knelt in front of me. I spread my legs greedily for him. His hungry mouth found mine and we kissed again. My hands were all over his body, his back, his breast, his butt. He sucked my nipples, while gently massaging my breasts when I started moaning again. My back arched against him, I offered my breasts for his mouth, my hips moving on their own accord. I knew he couldn't stand this any longer. His face was serious. "Do you want me?" I only gave him a seductive smile. He entered me with one hard thrust, which made me cry out with lust. We found our rhythm on the spot. His thrusts were first slow then became stronger and faster on my demand, given by my hands on his butt. My moans and his grunts made me indescribable hot. I lifted my hips to allow him to get in even deeper. My moans turned to be more of a scream when I came again and the contraction of my muscles around him was too much, he had to come.

Then he lay on me, in me and stroked my hair gently. I loved the weight of his body on mine, nonetheless I felt like floating, this was the best thing that had ever happened to me. This had been so intense, he was so intense, I would never let him go again. This was what sex is meant to be. We kissed lazily. His grey eyes were still full of lust. This night we made love three more times, until both of us were heavy with satisfaction as dawn came.

Sirius held me pressed close against him, I felt his breath in my neck, his hand gently stroking through my hair. Before he fell asleep he whispered: "You are mine now."


	5. Developments

**Chapter 5**

**- Developments-**

When I woke the next day, I felt like a complete slut. What did I do? One can do things like I did if it was a one night thing, but not if you want to start a serious relationship. Being easy pray was the one thing men don't like. I should have played the hard-to-get-Sissy for at least a week. Okay, once again I did something stupid. Seemed to happen constantly.

Allright, no point in complaining. I looked around the room properly for the first time. Obviously Sirius was a chaotic bachelor. The deeper sense of his wardrobe apparently was to look good, because most of his clothes were scattered to the four winds, being everywhere but the wardrobe. It was almost impossible to make out the floor underneath. I considered for a second to tidy up a little bit, but decided against it- I didn't want to behave like my moms.

Sirius lay next to me, sleeping tight. His face was so peaceful, he almost looked like a school boy waiting to wake up on his first day of holidays. His hair was messy, but still in shape somehow. His naked upper body and his arms were cut. He looked good enough to eat.

Actually, I could present him to my mother. He was a Black after all. And surely the best one in this world. I shook my head because of my own thoughts.

Surprisingly, he opened his grey eyes. Ooops, I prayed that he wasn't able to read minds.

"Who allowed you to come in my bed?" he asked playful.

"Oh, that was me. I love sneaking into the beds of foreigners. That makes my boring life more exciting. So it's my favorite amusement."

"Amusement in which sense?"

"Well, depends on the foreigner…"

He sat up and looked at me expectantly. "And what do you do when the foreigner doesn't do anything?"

"Let's see. This…" I swung a leg over his body to sit on his lap. "And this." I started to nibble on his left earlobe. "And I especially like this." My tongue slit down his neck until I reached his nipple. His body was reacting to me immediately. I saw in his eyes that we wouldn't be leaving the bed today. "And this, of course." I disappeared under his bedcover and started to spoil him with my mouth. He only allowed this for a short time, then his hands grabbed my hips and he pulled me back to his lap.

"That would be sheer waste." he moaned and elevated me a little to be able to enter me. He glided into me and I started moving gently. I saw him looking at the light movement of my breasts. I moved faster. He grabbed for the headboard to enjoy. I became faster, I felt his gaze on my moving breasts, my moans became lauder. I could feel him coming the same second I did. I slumped on his chest. He was insatiable. Five times, five orgasms. Huh.

He was stroking my body, whispering: "And where will you burgle tonight? I will wait there for you."

I laughed. "What day is it?"

"Saturday. And you are going to be my hostage until tomorrow evening." he teased.

Then he jumped out of the bed, announcing to make breakfast. Well, scrambled eggs and coffee. Not the one to go shopping either.

We stayed in bed all day, talking, making love. When I laid in his arms that night I knew that I was straight in love with this man. He was all the man. Young, strong, loyal, perfect body, a fighter, a perfect lover, a gentleman. I hoped he would like me, too.

* * *

The next morning I woke abruptly. It was James. James Potter? How on earth did he come into this flat? I was still drowsy and looked around to see him. Of course, I found the answer in the fireplace. Stupid floo powder…

"Good morning, Sadra! Could you please poke the dragon next to you in the eye to wake it up? We just expect him for a grand breakfast at the Potters mansion and grew anxious because he preferred not to appear."

I laughed and shook Sirius' shoulder. He needed quite a time to wake up groaning. "Whasup?"

"High-born Potter wants to be received in audience."

"Hmm." He quickly grabbed for me, turned me and positioned himself in front of me, so James couldn't see me properly anymore. His right hand was massaging my thigh.

"I will hear."

"My father invited thou for breakfast, for this very day anno domini 1979, but all our waiting has been fruitless."

"Oh, shit!"

"What? These are obscenely words!"

"Forgive me."

"Are you coming or not?"

"Would you like to join us?" Sirius asked, turned to me.

"Ah, no. I don't want to come unannounced. But, you go. I will come home then and- get some sleep, for example."

"But you have to come back." Sirius begged.

I heard James mimicking a panting dog out of the fireplace. I grinned.

"Come over to my place. I own decent food and a walkable floor."

James swallowed some ash when he started laughing and coughed hard.

„You two are making fun of me. Wait and see- you will end up like Lancelot and Ginevra who betrayed their king!" Sirius announced and threw himself into pose.

„Yeah, neat. We'll do that." James nodded.

"Prongs, you know I love you mate, but could you please leave my fireplace right now? We are not wearing exactly much."

"Hear, hear. As if you were ever wearing pants under your cloak!" James mocked and disappeared with a tiny plop.

"Potters are really nice, why don't you just come with me?" Sirius ruffled through his hair and pulled me into a kiss.

"No, I told you, I don't want to. They didn't invite me for today and that's it. I would look like a stray, following a strange man to beg for food."

He laughed. "Okay, but we have to talk about your ego-problems. A stray. I ask you. You are my girl." Did he just say that? YES!

We got dressed. Sirius looked at me and said in a dead-serious voice: "Clothes on your body are wasted. You should get undressed and wait in that bed for me."

"Well, I like waste. Say hello from me and see you."

I slipped through the door. All I could do back then was waiting.

* * *

The very same moment Sirius climbed out of the fireplace in Godric's Hallow.

"Ah, see who it is! Hail King Arthur!" cantillated James.

"Hello, Mr. Potter. Hello Lily! Hello Lancelot. Sorry, that I'm late, but I was hold up."

"Uhuh, until now a good breakfast was more important to you than the totty."

"James, watch your mouth." Mr. Potter interrupted. "Sirius, my dear. Sit down and have some coffee. James already insinuated you might have a new girlfriend?"

„ Insinuated? Nice way of phrasing whatever he chinwagged. But, yes- I met a woman."

James snorted, but Mr. Potter listened closely to Sirius doting Sadra. Lily was smiling warmly while James was grinning dirty all the time. Mr. Potters face was serious.

When Sirius had finished, he looked him in the eyes.

"Sirius, I am happy that you found a woman you develop these feelings for, but I want to warn you." James looked surprised at his father.

„ The Burkes are known and praised for many virtues, but sincerity is not one of them. Just as little as loyalty. Borgin & Burkes would never have become what it is today when its founders hadn't been completely indifferent to the fact to whom they sell what…or whom. They are known to be opportunistic, always working for the side that has momentarily the best offer. No matter how often they have to change the side. Believe me- this family has centuries-old experience in how to get out of an affair without losing prestige. They are perfect in this field. Not at least due to the fact that they married some of the most beautiful women the world has ever seen, and have some of the most beautiful women as their daughters. The last time a saw Sadra she still was a girl, but if she has grown to be half as beautiful as her mother, I can understand your feelings entirely."

Lily's mouth hung open at these word, she wanted to say something, but Sirius leapfrogged her.

"If you cut it down to the family, I should be quite a catastrophe, too." Sirius flared up.

"Sirius!" the voice of Mr. Potter became louder, too. "I am not saying that she is a bad person. She might be the exception to Burke-rule like you are to Black-rule. But it has always been inside of you. You haven't been in Gryffindor for no reason! As far as the Burkes are concerned- they sent their girls to Durmstrang where no houses exist.

He raised a hand as Sirius started interrupting again.

„ Yes- I know. It is possible, that she too, would have become a Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. No one knows. All I know is: You are in love like only a young, reckless boy can be. I am happy for you, but love can be fatality when given to the wrong person. I advise you: keep a cool head and play your hands close to your chest. The worst place to wear your heart right now is on the sleeve."

Sirius looked at the older man silently, considering his words. Finally, he nodded. "You are right, Mr. Potter. I will not forget where she comes from and that she might be involved in things I never dreamed of." He said and thought about the last weekend and Snape.

* * *

What can I tell you about the following weeks? I was crazy in love with Sirius and he must have felt the same way. Sure, there were some shadows in his character that had the potential to become a problem, but I only saw those sides when he was dealing with other people- not to my disadvantage. He was sometimes irascible, possessive, temperamental, even arrogant. He often considered himself above the rest. But to be honest, I didn't bother me. I saw myself as something special, invincible too. So I shrugged his arrogance off as lack of interest in other people's lives and his outbursts as pure passion. Love is blind…

I never dreamed that Sirius had started to keep tabs on me after the warning of Mr. Potter, trying to find out what I was doing and who the people I met were. Besides, he never told me any details from his auror-training, never told me about the secret organization Dumbledore had originated to fight Voldemort and never he told me about the rumors that made him crazy. Rumors saying that his brother Regulus became a Death Eater. Soon he must have found out that he had not to worry about me. I dealt with my work, friends and party. I was introduced to his other friends and I got along with them, though I never understood what he saw in shabby Lupin and bootlicker Pettigrew. Lily- in my opinion- was bizarre first, but she was not my wife- so who cares?

* * *

I remember a rainy Saturday in October when Sirius and I lay on the floor in front of my cosy fireplace. I was reading a book, he should be learning for an interim audit. Instead he yawned widely.

"I want coffee. Why don't you have a house-elf?"

I shot him a glance. There it was- his arrogant, demanding side. The last bit of the Black's attitude surviving in his veins. I bet, he didn't even recognize it.

"Until now it never even occurred to me that an elf would be necessary here. Why don't you just move your sluggard ass to the kitchen and get yourself your coffee?"

He turned into a press-up to get up. In the middle of the movement he paused and looked at me. "Why don't you bring me some?" he asked breezy and sank back on the floor.

"Hum?" I asked back stupidly. His movement had captured my attention. I loved to watch his sexy body in action. And I knew, he knew.

"Because you are bone idle. Soon the day will come you won't be able to do a single press-up!" I laughed. I saw in his eyes, that he was disappointed I regained composure so quick. He loved the fact that I was keen to watch him doing whatever he was supposed to do.

"Really?" He raised an eyebrow to give me twenty-five perfect press-ups, before he jumped on his feet and went to the kitchen to fetch his coffee.

I continued my book.

"In January we start duels." he groaned, reappearing with his beloved coffee.

„Cool."

„Dunno. James reckons it is going to be tough. Not like the fights in school."

"Fights? Didn't you learn dueling in school?"

Sirius shook his head. "Nope. At least we never officially fought in class. We did that more in the corridors. But me and James have been pretty good there. Go and ask your Snivellus." he grinned.

"Snivellus who?"

"Your friend Snape."

"Ah, him. I will ask him tonight at our weekly poker game. He never actually mentioned you so far." I said sarcastically.

Sirius watched me, I was reading again. Today I know, he was asking himself how much truth my last sentence held.

„Hey?"

„Hm?"

„Did you duel in school? I mean, in lessons?"

„Both."

„Then why don't we practice a little? Might come in handy."

I sighed and put the book aside. Sirius could be very unfocused. He was due to learn for a theoretical paper. Still, his marks were sky high. I took my wand.

"Let the games begin."

"What?"

"Attack me."

"I can't. You are my girl."

„Sweetheart, then we won't be able to practice."

"I see."

He faced me and I knew exactly what he was up to.

"Exp…" his wand flew out of his hand while he fell backwards.

"Yes, you do need private coaching." I laughed, undoing my curse.


	6. Celebrations

**Chapter 6**

**- Celebrations-**

From that day on, we started regular practice. Soon Lily and James joined us. Sirius was so smart and quick, there was not much to teach him after a short while, but we had fun anyway- since the training ended in bed every time we were alone.

After one of these sessions on a Saturday in November the four of us were lying on the floor in my flat, drinking pumpkin juice.

"Where are you going to celebrate Christmas, Sadra?"

"With my parents, where else?" I shot, regretting my answer immediately. Sirius would be celebrating with James and his father. Lily would be joining them there on Boxing Day.

James jumped in to my aid: "But on New Year's Eve you are coming to my house, right? The parties of the Potters are legendary."

"Sure." I laughed. "I can't let that slip!"

I pushed the thought of my parents out of my mind. What would they say, if they knew I would be celebrating New Year's Eve with a blood traitor and a disgraced family? I thought I should just keep my mouth shut. I still hadn't told them about Sirius.

James and Sirius got up and dressed in their cloaks. Tonight they were on duty.

"Have fun, sweeties. Stay favourably inclined towards us!" James teased.

"We will see what we can do." Lily sighed. The boys grinned.

"What do you think, Prongs- should we tell them that we are going to the Hogshead having some liquor?"

"Cool, then we will see you soon, because that is exactly what we have been up to, too!" I dismissed them. We laughed and the boys left.

"Sadra- you have to tell me the story of your girlfriend that had sex with Malfoy again."

As I have said before- Lily was bizarre sometimes. On one hand she was so modest and just, on the other hand she was a real chit-chat sometimes. Obviously, her friends weren't as funny as mine.

"I already told you."

"Oh come on, this one is too good."

I laughed. Well, somehow I had to like her. And bitching with her about Malfoy and his equivocal performance in bed was great fun.

Soon Lily had tears of laughter in her eyes. "And he was such an arrogant show off in school! And now this…!"

I sneered. "Well he shouldn't show off his lover qualities then."

"How is Sirius?" Bang- Lily all over. Bizarre, I told you.

I hesitated. She wasn't exactly the kind of friend to talk to about these things…Well, I decided to give it a chance.

"He is incredible. It just fits."

"Do you have a standard of comparison?"

"If Sirius didn't already know about my past, I would suspect you to be his spy." I grinned.

"And, do you?"

She just didn't get the point. I didn't want to have that kind of girl-talk with her. I looked into her questioning eyes. There was no sign of falsity. Merlin, maybe she needs a friend she can talk to about this stuff. She didn't have much girls left since she left school.

"Yes, I do have." I relented. "I had two boyfriends before Sirius I slept with."

"Wow. James is my first man. And I love him."

I knew where this conversation was heading. She was not sure, if it had been okay to marry without any experience with other men.

"Nothing wrong with that. As long as he keeps you satisfied." I grinned.

"Sometimes I am afraid that I might get the feeling, I have not been desirable enough for other men."

"After all I heard you had a lot of admirers. Sirius told me that James really had to fight for you."

"Well, that was due to James' horrible personality back in school. You can't imagine how terrible he and Sirius have been! A catastrophe! World has never seen two boys more arrogant and repulsive. They were in detention more than everything else and have achieved top grades nonetheless without anybody has ever seen one of them learning. Everyone thought they were top of the line. Everyone admired them. My first date with James was an overcoming."

"Why that?" I laughed. How can you not love an intelligent marauder? Bizarre…

"You know, I was always afraid that James was so keen on a date with me, because he has some kind of bet with Sirius going on. They were exactly the type of guys for those games. I really loathed him in school."

"And what made you change your opinion?"

"Well, during our sixth year there were some incidents that showed me that he wasn't all that bad. He really deflated his head."

"What kind of incidents?" Okay, she had interesting things to say, too.

"Hmm, Sirius ran away from home this summer, he came to the Potters. Maybe, they saw that life wasn't all fun then. Then he saved the life of Severus Snape…" Her voice shook a little.

"But that's brave." Snape, where did I hear this name? Ah, the white guy from the pub.

"I don't know. Nobody knows the exact circumstances, Dumbledore forbade all involved to talk about it. And when it came to Severus Snape, James and Sirius were beyond good and evil." Sirius still is, I added silently.

"I know this guy. I was introduced to him. What did they do to him?"

Lily told me a few stories from school, including the OWL-nightmare.

I am sorry, but I had to laugh my ass off because of the ending of the story.

"And? Was it worth seeing?"

"You are as mean as they are." Lily said sternly. "I left the scene before."

"Hey, he was your friend and he called you a mudblood! He didn't deserve better!"

Lily smiled sadly. "Yes, James was right for hating him. He is a bad person."

"With graying underpants!" We cracked up with laughter.

"No, it's more…I keep asking myself…" Lily stuttered when we had finished laughing.

"What?"

"I think he was in love with me and it must have broken his heart that I took James of all people."

"Merlin, he was the one who fucked up! So a broken heart deserves him right! You didn't go out with James to get back at him, did you?" occurred to me.

"No. The mudblood thing was at the end of our fifth year, I started dating James in our seventh year."

"Then why do you care?"

"Because…" She gave me a little smile that said more than a thousand words.

"You are pregnant?!" I nearly screamed.

She nodded shyly.

"Wow, congrats! But then you should care even less about this Snivell-thing."

"I know. It must be the hormones. But since I know that I am expecting James's baby everything seems to be more definite. Now there's no way out. So I start to think crazy stuff."

"Sounds like crazy hormones to me. You don't wanna get out."

She laughed. "You are right. But he doesn't know yet. I don't know how he will take it." Her voice betrayed a little desperation.

"He will be the happiest person on earth! Are you kidding? How he will take it? He freaking loves you."

"But we are so young."

"Well, there are ways to prevent pregnancy in case you heard. And you succeeded for a few years."

She laughed again. "Okay, we didn't plan it, but we didn't prevent it."

"So he knew what he was doing. He will burst with bliss and pride."

"Yes, I think so." Her cheeks were red.

"When's it due? What's it gonna be?"

"I don't know."

"Are you a muggle or what?" I asked, forgetting about her heritance. "I mean, you know about witch-pregnancy-tests? They tell you everything you need to know. We need to do some shopping. Seriously. Without knowing the gender you can't adapt the children's room properly." I took her hand and we were off to Diagon Alley.

* * *

That very evening we knew all we had to. She was going to have a boy and he would be born at the end of July or the beginning of August. While Lily was just stroking her flat belly tenderly after the result came, I started scanning all the catalogues I had collected on our shopping trip.

"Sadra?"

"Hm?"

"Would you mind if I stay here tonight? I don't want to be alone."

And what should I say? There is just no way around becoming friends when you are the first person that is in the secret of a baby. We talked until sun came out (which means something in November).

A rustling sound woke me early on Sunday. Sirius had found Lily asleep on the couch next to me, wondering what was wrong. Now he was reading the package slip of the test. I saw a light smile curling his lips, then he looked at me. When he saw that I was awake, he glided to me, gently whispering: "Is it you or Lils?"

"What would you say if it was me?" I led him to the kitchen.

"I would say that this is pretty early for a baby, but that I could not imagine a more beautiful woman to be mother of my child." His hand rested upon the place his baby would be.

I grinned. "Well, you are lucky then. It's Lily."

"Really? James will be bubbling over with joy." Did he sound a little disappointed or was it imagination?

"Where is he by the way?"

"He wanted to go home, but if he doesn't find Lily there, I am sure he will show up here."

"Right." I yawned widely. "But don't tell him."

Sure enough, two minutes later James turned up in my fireplace searching for Lily. He came by Floo, Sirius held me in his arms as James arrived, grinning so smug that only a blind person wouldn't have recognized that something was going on.

"What's it, Padfoot?"

"Hm?"

"Why are you grinning that stupid?"

"Am I?"

"Yes, you damn sure are."

"Well, I'm just happy that I am here with my precious girl and I can call it a day."

"Why did Lily stay here? Did you two booze-up? She knows that she just has to tell me, I become pretty nervous if she is absent ever since…" He broke up.

"What?" I asked.

"Ah, nothing." Sirius jumped in. "Lily once came in a tight spot with some banjaxed people. James managed to drive them off, but he is overanxious ever since." Later I found out that Sirius referred to an incident where they had been more or less captured by Voldemort while doing stuff for the Order together with Frank and Alice Longbottom and narrowly escaped alive, but how should I know?

"No, we didn't drink. We were just yakking until the early morning and she fell asleep. Sorry, I didn't know what happened otherwise I would have sent you a message."

"As long as she is fine, I am fine. What's it Sirius?"

My boyfriend shook with silent laughter. "Yeah, she is fine."

"What did you do? Did you draw her a moustache or what?"

"No, _I _didn't do anything."

"Fine." James sighed. "Sadra, what did you do?"

"_Me_? Nothing." I had to grin, too.

"Something I did then? Merlin- no!" He wrestled his way in my bedroom where Lily still slept. He saw the test, the catalogues. We didn't think to put them aside yesterday. It was so touching to see James bending down to Lily, waking her up with soft kisses. When she looked at him drowsy, her took her in his arms and whispered:

"Is it true? Am I going to be father?"

She nodded and he started a war dance combined with chantys and crows of delight.

'How will he take it?' Lily, I ask you.

* * *

It was close to Christmas when a terrible thing happened.

"I don't believe this!" Sirius screamed.

"My mother told me, she saw your mums."

I stepped towards him, he stared at me in rage.

"You lie! He is only seventeen!"

"Sirius, he is dead."

"No!"

He slumped on his bed. "No."

I sat down next to him. I had met with my mother to do some Christmas shopping and she had told me that Regulus Black was dead. She couldn't give me any details, but reassured me that most of the people think he had been a Death Eater.

Sirius laid his face in his hands. I placed mine on his broad shoulders.

"This can't be true. He was so young."

"Don't you want to go to your mother?"

He laughed bitterly. "Surely not. I hate this woman more than anything else."

"Sirius, first your father, now your brother. You are the only one she has left on this earth."

"No, she has lost me a long time ago." His eyes glittered with rage.

"No matter what you say or what you do- I don't have a family. You are my family, the Marauders are my family- but this hag surely not."

I sighed. Snow started falling outside. In four days would be Christmas Eve. I never found out what had made Sirius hate his parents so much. It was a red rag for him. Every attempt to talk about it was parried with an aggressive outburst. So I just started massaging his shoulders. He moaned softly. I gently touched his neck and felt that he became goose bumps all over his body.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. You are my family. You are all I want." he said stubbornly pressing me into the pillows, undoing my blouse.

* * *

Christmas with my family had been nice. My father gave me some more of my beloved sparkling diamonds, but now I was really looking forward to the party at Potters. I hadn't seen Sirius for more than ten days now.

I stood in front of my huge mirror in my room at my parents' house, not able to decide what to wear tonight. I told my parents that I would be spending the night with Clot in London and then return to my flat. My parents still didn't know about Sirius. I tried to mention his name inconspicuously once and my mother instantly started to boost the story about him deserting his poor parents, being ungrateful and mean. So I decided to leave it at that. What did I need my parents for, anyway. I was my own woman.

No, the dress I wore I should wear best in a brothel and even there I would make a spectacle of myself. So I decided to wear a banging white pantsuit with a low-cut necklace shirt underneath. And perfect did it look with my shine. Sirius would love it. Hmm, even the thought of him send little chills of lust down my back. Time for Godric's Hallow.

I could hear music and laughter coming from the house. I was slightly nervous, because I had no idea what Mr. Potter would think of me. But when James' father opened the door and immediately clasped me in his arms, my fears were gone. He treated me like I expected him to tread Lily.

"Sadra, you look gorgeous. Sirius is a lucky man!" he laughed.

I smiled. These kind of compliments always made me feel uneasy. Mr. Potter smiled at me with something I would call a "greedy look", but he wasn't sober anymore and a widower for more than a year, so I didn't care as he led me to the living room- the center of the party.

I saw Frank Longbottom spinning around his wife Alice in a spectacular manner, the onlookers laughing and clapping. Sirius and James had their backs on me, whispering. Sure they were taking somebody's name in vain. I felt my heart leaping at the sight of my man. He was so masculine. His broad shoulders, his small waist, the way he slouched…he turned occasionally to face me and I saw how his mouth fell open at my sight. Yes- here I am, come and get me! I saw that he wasn't sober anymore, too. Surely, he and James had given a go to all punches the house-elves had brew throughout the day.

He lightly staggered up to me. Without a word he grabbed for my hips and pressed me against the wall with a passionate kiss. His hands glided up my body, hungrily grasping at my breasts.

"Sirius! Hello! Here are people!" I hissed.

"I don't care." he murmured in my hair. Yes-that much I could feel on my stomach.

"But I do."

"I missed you." he whispered tenderly in my ear.

I saw Lily and James approaching us over his shoulder.

"Padfoot, we have rooms to lent. And hello, Sadra. Nice to see you." James laughed.

"I can't turn now to go to a room." Sirius groaned.

"Go crabwise then." Lily advised laughing.

"I don't want to be a killjoy, but actually I was here for a sensational New Year's Eve party."

"You choose the party over me?" Sirius was so sweet when he wanted to sound insulted.

I laughed and freed myself from him. I was a little pissed. I loved him, but I was not his private whore.

"So, where is the Champaign?" I asked Lily.

"Come with me." Lily beamed and showed me the bar.

"Don't be angry with them. They are drunk. James is chasing me the whole day, too. And twice he succeeded, so Sirius had to drink all alone." she smiled.

"It's not that I don't want him on the spot, too. But I can't come here, don't say hello and go to a bedroom. I would look like a whore." Indignation somehow never suited me…

I drowned my first glass in one sip and looked over to Sirius. He was leaning casually against the wall, James still in front of him, blocking the view to Sirius's pants. In his eyes – of course, focused on me- I saw lust glittering. I took the next glass and while bringing it to my mouth I faked to accidental brush my breast. He raised an eyebrow and the tip of his tongue played over his lips. Merlin, yes! He was too sexy to be true!

I gave him a seductive smile. He wouldn't leave his corner ever again. I grinned evilly and started to drown the next glass. I wanted to become as drunk as the others as quick as possible. I was talking to other guests of the party, Sirius's gaze was following me everywhere, burning like fire. I knew that a lot of other witches envied me. Sirius was much sighed-for and they couldn't have missed the fact that he had only eyes for me.

Nonetheless, a witch approached Sirius and he started flirting with her. I asked Lily for her and she told me, that it was Dorcas Meadowes, a girl from Hogwarts that graduated the year after them and always had had a crush on Sirius.

I had to smile. See, cheap little revenge. If he wasn't interested in her before, he surely wouldn't be now. I ignored them completely and talked to Alastor Moody, a famous Auror and trainer of Sirius and James.

When I came from the restroom a little later, somebody roughly grabbed me from behind and pressed his hand over my mouth to keep me from screaming.

"Now I am going to take you." I felt Sirius hot lips on my ear and felt goose bumps all over my body. I liked his possessive way of talking to me.

He dragged me through the next door, it appeared to be a bureau. Sirius locked the door behind us and ripped my shirt open, starting to caress my breasts. I gasped. I really love to be taken by a man. He felt so good. He pushed me to the desk, pulling down my pants and underwear while doing so. He lifted me on the desk, I heard his belt knuckle and then he was immediately in me. His thrusts were hard and fast. I started moaning on the spot, my hands were desperately trying to find hold somewhere, knocking things off the table. Sirius grabbed my hips, pressing them against him, thrusting wild, moaning. I loved the moan he always made when he came. When he had done so, he still stayed inside of me. He knew, I liked it that way. Gently, he sat me up and took me in his arms. The greed had vanished from his eyes, replaced by love and warmth. He started kissing me gently, preparing to satisfy me now when I saw something over his shoulder that made my blood freeze.

On a couch there sat Peter Pettigrew and a unknown girl. I screamed out. The girl looked pretty shocked, Peter had his mouth open in awe. I felt swirled around, Sirius was trying to make out the reason for the disturbance, while he was still inside of me. He held me with one arm, in the other he had his wand. Always at the ready… good an Auror he might be, everyone was free to look at my butt now. Could it become more embarrassing?

"Wormtail! What are you doing in here?" Sirius barked.

"Ahhh…" Peter wasn't able to speak.

Suddenly, Sirius seemed to realize that he was presenting more of his girl to the crowd than necessary. He sat me back on the desk, pulling up his pants and giving me mine.

"Oh, well. We didn't mean to disturb you." Sirius started, but he saw that Peter was still staring at me as I was fighting to get dressed on a desk without exposing too much.

He covered Peter's sight by stepping in front of me.

"Why don't you two just go and fetch a drink?" his voice now impatient and aggravated.

The girl pulled Peter out of the room, he still tried to catch glimpses on me. The door closed and Sirius looked at me. I was not sure whether to laugh or cry. Sirius looked so scandalized, I had to laugh.

He grinned stupidly, running his fingers through his hair. "Sorry, I didn't mean to have audience." I was dressed now.

The door banged open, James appeared gasping. "Is this true, Padfoot? Is it true? Did this really happen?" And from now on for the next few months he always grinned happily whenever he saw Sirius and a desk in the same room.


	7. Decisions

AN: I am a little disappointed that I have only one review so far (so I appreciate this one).I don't know whether nobody is reading my story or you don't like it. So please, leave a review. I put a lot of work in this story and your reviews are my reward, so please don't be mean!

**Chapter 7**

**-Decisions-**

Tock tock tock. Sirius groaned. Since when was he able to hear his headache? He opened his eyes. He was in Sadra's bed, the room was dim. Was it already evening again? His tongue felt furry as if hamster had crawled into his mouth and died there. Clothes lay far-flung on the floor. An empty bottle of Champaign joined them. What had they done the last night? Tock tock tock. Sirius now realized that the sound was coming from the window. He drew back the curtain, it was indeed dusk. Snow was falling lightly. An owl was sitting on the window sill, knocking on the window.

"Hello, and who are you?" Sirius opened the window, an icy breeze touched him. The owl jumped in and dropped the letter. Before Sirius even realized what was going on, the owl jumped back to the window and was gone. He suddenly saw why, but it was too late. The owl had delivered a howler which was already smoking.

"Sadra!" He grabbed the letter and jumped back in the bed to me. I, too, groaned and opened my eyes.

"Open up!"

"What?" I murmured, my state was even more disastrous than his.

"It's a howler!" he urged.

"Who on earth should send me a howler?" I yawned and opened it drowsy.

What happened now, caught me off guard. A high-pitched voice screamed on top of its lungs:

"You filthy whore! Worthless turncoat! How can you disappoint us like this? To hang around in the Potters company! Spreading our legs for Sirius Black! The worst traitor ever! You brought disgrace on your whole family! Your father is beside himself! We are sorry that we brought you up! You ungrateful girl to become a slut partying with the archenemy! Such a shame! Such a defilement of our house! Do you want to become a muggle loving whore, too? Like your filthy lover? Do you want to end like this? You family-quisling, you monster of wickedness!"

The howler burst into flames. My body shivered and tears ran down my face. This had been my mother's voice. Sirius held me in his arms. He didn't know what to say. He never urged me to tell my family about him. He didn't want to push me, he guessed what their opinion on him would be. Too right he had been. I shook him off and ran from the room, sobbing. He came after me, I could see his nervous heartbeat in the vein on his neck. He was afraid of what might happen now. I was dragging clothes out of a closet, trying to get dressed.

He stood in the doorframe, looking at me helplessly.

"Please, I love you!" he croaked.

I stared at him full of hate. "We are talking about my parents!" I threw over a cloak and pushed past him out of my flat.

I felt my heart cramping. I loved him. But they were my parents. He had hated his parents all the time, mine were freaky every now and then, this wasn't the same. I didn't want to leave them for good. I couldn't leave him. Merlin, he is a Black. Didn't that count on his behalf?

* * *

What exactly happened at my parents' house, I can't tell. I don't even remember the conversation properly, being still wasted and crying all the time.

What it came down to was that my parents wanted to force me to make a decision between Sirius and them. I told them, that being together with Sirius didn't make me a Dumbledore-freak or muggle-lover, but they didn't want to listen to me. They just threw me out, telling me, I could come back, when I was finished with Black.

Back in my flat, he wasn't there anymore. I was shocked. Did he run out on me? I panicked and apparated to his flat.

* * *

Sirius had been lying on his bed fully dressed, hour after hour. In the middle of the night he got up to get some Firewhisky and one of the muggle cigarettes he and James sometimes smoked. He was still fighting with the aftermath of the party last night, but who cared? He sat on his balcony, drinking and smoking when he saw me approaching.

I didn't have the slightest idea, what time it was. Might have been midnight, might have been four in the morning. I rushed up the stairs, he stood on his balcony expecting me. I was white like the snow. I didn't know what to say. My face was red and blotchy, my head was exploding, my eyes puffy. I felt one of his hands cupping my ice-cold cheek. He abandoned himself to the impulse of pulling me towards him, pulling me under his cloak, keeping me warm and safe. He pressed me against himself with all his warmth and strength. I started crying again. He just picked me up and brought me into his living-room where he gently placed me on his couch, still holding me and stroking me softly.

I didn't know what was right or wrong. But when I felt his touch, I knew he was stronger than anything. I loved him, he gave me all I needed, he cared for me. He made me feel safe even now.

He waited for me to speak. I could feel how tense he was.

"It was so horrible." I sobbed. "They just don't want to understand me. It was just a party. That doesn't make me a backstabber!"

"I should have never asked you to come with me." he whispered.

"Ah shucks!" I spat. "Sooner or later they would have found out anyway!"

"What now?" His voice wasn't able to hide his fear of losing me.

"I don't know. I swore up and down that I am not making common cause with Potters or Dumbledore. I don't even know what the cause is, everyone assumes they have! For me it has been a party! And I told them that I love you and that we are a couple since August."

He drew me closer. "I love you." he whispered.

"My father freaked out. My mother took it better since you are still a pureblood. I think she sees herself in the middle of an interesting soap opera. She gave me the following task: I have to conciliate you and your family, then we can stay together." I laughed bitter.

Sirius body tensed up.

"Yes, to sum it up: I am not allowed to be seen with blood traitors and have to decide if I want you or my parents, in case you don't want to become a proper pureblood again."

"No one's going to believe in such a change of heart!" he snorted angry.

I looked at him. "No, I know. No one would believe it anyway, even if you were trying to pretend it for me."

I didn't want to hear that he was not going to pretend anything for me, so I just continued.

"I told them, that you have never been pushing me to do anything, never forced me to make stupid decisions. You let me live my life the way I want to. And you share my chosen way with me. And I told them I prefer that way. I want your love."

"You told them?" Sirius couldn't believe his ears. I chose him over my parents.

"Yes." I laughed while the tears ran down my cheeks. "Horrible, isn't it? Might turn out to be the biggest mistake in my life. I know you for five months and chose you over my family. My blackmailing, extortive family. I won't allow this." My voice was defiant.

"I love you. I will always be there for you. No matter what will happen." He looked into my eyes. "You can count on me."

I smiled weakly. "Sirius, I am so tired." I was crying again, he brought me to his bed, holding me in his strong arms, caressing me.

Sometime that night he heard me whispering in the dark: "I need you."

He made love to me so gentle and tender as if I was made from finest china; he tried to give me some of the warmth and strength I needed so bad trough the language of his body.

As I've said before- the break-up with my parents had been horrible, but the way Sirius had been there for me made me believe, I made the right decision. Until today I am not sure, if it wouldn't have been better to break up with him at this point. Even though I didn't even know then what he was doing behind my back. He didn't cheat on me, he did something much worse. He didn't trust me.


	8. Fights

**Chapter 8**

**-Fights-**

"No, Sirius."

"But why?"

"Sirius, it is too early."

"But I love her."

"Sirius! I made my point, I think."

Sirius slapped his hands on the table in front of the old man. He was aggravated.

"Listen, she has to know about the Order. I will not lie to her!"

Dumbledore rose. He was not used to this kind of treatment.

"Sirius. This is not about lying or telling the truth! You are endangering all of us! I have information that the Order of Phoenix is not a secret to Voldemort anymore. And do you know why?"

The muscle in Sirius' jaw flickered angrily.

"Yes." he growled.

"Then kindly tell me the story and you will have the answer to your question."

"Caradoc Dearborn." Sirius grunted.

"Indeed. Moody still has no idea where his body might be. But who killed him?"

"Milana Cyrus. I know, I know…"

"Right. And who was she before Moody had to finish her off?"

"Caradoc's girlfriend."

"We all knew her and none, I repeat, none of us would have suspected her to be a Death Eater. And if I would be as incautiously as you ask me to be, we all would have a problem. Just imagine Milana had known about the members! All she knew was there was a secret organization, because Caradoc let something slip. And when he refused to tell her more about it, she killed him. Her own boyfriend. Though I believe Moody caught her before she was able to get to Voldemort in person, he knows something. We have to be very careful. If Voldemort ever finds out who is in the Order, we might as well say goodnight."

"But Sadra is not Milana!"

"No, she might be even worse!"

"She is not! She loves me, I know."

Dumbledore gave him a contemptuous look. "You know nothing. Least of all about her."

"She chose me over her family!"

"Sirius! I have enough of this! I think you agree that Milana would have done the same if necessary! We do not know whether to trust Sadra or not. Only time will tell. And I- as the head of the Order- will decide when this time is!

"But…"

"No. You are reckless. You know that I am right! You just don't like what you hear! This is not a game. Swear that you will not tell her or I will have to exclude you from the Order!"

Sirius swallowed hard and hesitated.

"I swear that I will not tell Sadra about the Order."

"I knew you would come to your senses."

* * *

The enchroachments of the Death Eaters became more numerous and more brutal than in the past. James and Sirius had to work nearly every day now, often until late at night. I knew that Sirius felt bad. He wanted to be with me, he knew I needed him badly, but he couldn't skip work for holding his sobbing girl's hand while the Death Eaters tried to snatch the wizarding world.

In March terrible news reached us: Mr. Potter had died. Sirius was shocked at this news, the Potters had been like parents to him and now they were both gone. Like brothers they chose the same solution for their grief: James and Sirius became entirely obsessed with their Auror-work like they would be able to fight death itself by fighting dark wizards.

Two days after Mr. Potter's death Lily visited me. Her pregnancy was easily to be seen now. She, too, complained that she hardly ever saw James, even though she saw him more often than I saw Sirius because of the Order-work.

"Hey, Lily. How are the two of you?" I greeted her. She had really grown to me.

It was Friday evening and I just came back from work. Sirius surely wouldn't show up before midnight if he was going to show up at all. I never knew. Sometimes I didn't see him for a week or two. I knew that this was his job, so I tried not to complain. I knew somehow he loved me and I knew why he was doing all this. Still it was very tough for me. I broke with my parents for a man I hardly ever saw. But where was the sense in blaming him for my decision? My loneliness thankfully was filled with Ogden's and party. Thanks to Clot.

"It might sound odd, but I thought I could ask you to help me with the funeral. James isn't able to manage it. He is in such a deep grief." Lily sighed.

I opened a bottle of pumpkin juice and we sat down on my couch.

"He wants to live in Godric's Hallow now." Lily continued.

"And what did you say?" I asked. It was a nice home, but it held memories.

"Of course, I agreed. It is his parent's house, he is so clinched to it. It will be a nice place for his son to grow up. James is so sad that his father won't be able to see his first grandchild. He was so proud of the baby."

I nodded.

"Can you help me with the arrangements? I am so tired lately."

"Sure." I smiled.

We made a plan and then talked for a while, but Lily really grew tired quite early. After she left, I opened a bottle of wine and thought about the funeral. Funeral was for families. I had none. Even Serena couldn't understand why I was clinging to the relationship with Sirius. She was going out with Mulciber now and wondrously didn't have time for me anymore. All I had was a boyfriend who wanted to accumulate the world's most overtime. I grinned. How I hated funerals. I needed exhilaration. The wine was working. Who cares? I threw a handful Floo into the fire. I wanted to know what Clot was up to.

Clot was up to party as usual. I really liked Lily, but Clot was just another caliber, especially when it came down to wild parties, senseless booze-ups and meaningless sex.

Not an hour later we sat in a dive in Diagon Alley, which had not the best reputation. Sure enough some of Malfoy clique were there, but they ignored us.

"They want to live in his parent's house? That's peculiar." Clot shrieked.

"Quite. But I assume that James wants to create a real family seat now his parents are dead. To carry on their ways and beliefs." Why did I had to feel so unhappy again?

In the same second there was a huge bang, tables shivered and everything went pitch-black. I saw lights flashing, felt something hit me in the back and sunk into darkness.

* * *

„What on earth were you doing in this place anyway? Meeting your friends again?"

"This place? It's a fucking normal bar, I thought!"

"Well, you were wrong. The owner was blackmailed for months by Death Eaters now- I should say has been, because now he is dead."

"Why didn't you tell me not to go to this place then?"

"Can't you just stay at home? Invite your girls over here! Don't you see that your constant parties are getting too dangerous?"

"Hell yeah! Let's all stay at home! So the Death Eaters have nothing more to do, because they already won!"

"Don't you dare to argument like this! Your booze-ups in bars are no resistance! Don't be silly. Stay at home! I don't want to be afraid for you all the time!"

"And what about me? Do you think, for me it's all fun? You are away all the time, I am scared for you and all you tell me is to stay at home?"

"I always told you that I have to be away very often! Don't blame me now!"

"And you don't blame me for meeting my girl! Shit happens."

"Shit happens? Eight other guests are shit-happens-dead now!"

"So do something. You are the hero here. Shit happens and if it shall happen to me, I won't complain! The one thing I am going to guarantee is that I will not sit down in my flat and wait for better times!"

I rushed past him into my bathroom, where I had begun to prepare a nice hot foam bath when he had appeared in my flat. How I hated him when he was like that. Two days ago, Death Eaters raided the bar where Clot and I had been. A course had hit me, I had been unconscious for two days. I had to spend a week in St. Mungos and missed the funeral. Back in St. Mungos he had been so sweet and caring, now that I was back home I had to endure his sermons about my recklessness. Reckless! If one of us was reckless, than it was him. I often overheard James or Moody complaining about Sirius being too belligerent and careless. And he wanted to tell me how to behave. I ask you.

I chucked my clothes in a corner and slid into the hot bath. It felt good and relaxing. I closed my eyes to enjoy. When I opened them, Sirius was standing on the edge of my huge, sunken bathtub.

"Listen, I can't shackle you. All I can do is to call upon your mind, but you just don't want to listen. So what am I to do?" He was still mad at me, but I saw his gaze linger on my wet, partly foam-covered breasts.

„Just leave me alone." I said dismissively.

„Don't you want to understand that I care for your safety because I love you?"

"I got your point ages ago. But I do care about you, too!"

"Baby, but you agree that it does make a difference if I risk my life to arrest dark wizards, while you risk yours for a few butterbeers?"

I knew, he was right, but somehow that didn't make me happier. I stared at my wall and searched for a good counter-argument or, at least, some mean insults. At this instant Sirius slid into the tub as well. He had taken his pants off, but was still wearing his shirt.

"Are you crazy?" His shirt was immediately soaked wet and I could see his brawny breast. He undid the buttons while he approached me.

"No, I am in love. With the most stubborn woman on earth." He started kissing my wet skin, his hands eagerly gliding over my body. I tried to dodge him, but he was too fast for me.

„Sirius!" I tried to grab his hands, I didn't want to end this argument like that.

He acted as if he didn't hear me, let alone my attempts to stop him. His hands glided over my body, he pressed himself between my slippery thighs. I was torn between giving in and cursing him to Africa. His wet brown skin under the white shirt made me hot, but I didn't want to give in. If I allowed him to fuck me now, he would have won.

Suddenly, I felt a short pain as he had entered me. I hadn't been ready for him. After two slow thrusts my body started responding automatically. It didn't hurt, but I was perplexed. What had he just done?

"Sirius!" I tried again to push him away.

"What is it?" His voice was challenging, he didn't stop moving. After minor arguments we always made up in bed, but this here?

"I don't want you to do this."

"And I don't want you to leave the house unprotected."

"Are you mental?" I screamed, what kind of lesson he thought he was giving me?

He stopped moving. "No. I am dead serious."

"But you can't just fuck me, when I don't want to!"

"You should have told me that you don't want me to do it!"

"I did."

"No, you didn't." Suddenly, he was angry. "You just didn't! You allowed me to do it. Moaning my name and a little pushing won't help you. Not with me, not out there. In your beloved little bars you should put more emphasis on the fact that you don't want to. You're feeble attempts won't hold back a Death Eater who is harming you."

This was some kind of joke. How on earth could he be so bold? He slipped of his shirt. I saw his body, moving in the hot water, he was still inside of me, still hard and ready. I couldn't help myself. His male dominance made me lose my mind. I wanted him to fuck me with all his power. He was right. He was risking his neck for something worth dieing while I was besotted with banalities.

"I am sorry." I muttered.

In his grey eyes rage flashed. "I am, too. I didn't mean to hurt you. And if in your opinion a bar is truly worth to die for- go ahead. I am sorry that I tried to protect you from yourself. Mr. Potter is already dead for a week, I think I am ready to cope with your death next."

"Sirius, please. I promise I will stay at home more often and only go to bars you say are okay." I smiled and leaned back a little so that he could see my breasts. He looked at them.

"I don't feel like it." he grumbled, his dick proving him a liar.

"Sure?" I started moving gently, supporting on the edge of the tub. His hands grabbed my butt, I screamed out, he felt too good. He pushed me roughly against the side of the tub. One hand was moving my hips to his rhythm, the other grabbed into my hair, forcing my head back, so he could suck on my nipples better. He fucked me so hard, he never did this before nor ever again. He obviously attempted to bring to my mind who was the man.


	9. Stories

**Chapter 9**

**-Stories-**

After this weird fight, I tried to be accommodating. I gave house-parties as often as possible. Fortunately, Clot played along even though she often said I would be only doing this for Sirius's sake. "You know, sometimes I think, you would do anything he wants. Are you so afraid of losing him? In case you don't recognize: He is not the only thing left to you- I am still there for you, too." Today I think she might have had a point. At that time I was somehow addicted to Sirius and in a bad need for his approval.

My mother had congratulated me to my birthday in May. It had been an icy conversation, but I told her that I was going to stick with Sirius no matter how long they were going to sulk. I think my mother was already reconciling with the situation. After all, he was a good-looking pureblood and would come to his senses one day. I think she figured out that his attitude was some kind of peccadillo of youth. Besides, Sirius's birthday present had been the hottest diamond bracelet the world has ever seen. He left my mother in no doubt that he was a man who was able to take care of me and provide me with everything I would need.

She wanted to meet me in the summer again, seeing if she would be able to calm my father, who still refused to talk about me at all.

Meanwhile, it was June and was pretty bored from being at home so much. To make things worse, Sirius was teamed with James (something Moody refused to do for the last two years) and stupid Dorcas Meadowes. My boredom pretty much turned into jealousy, something I never was before. I was longing for summer, sun, sunshine, BBQs in a park and all the good stuff.

But I tried to hold my head high: Sirius was the love of my life and somehow I knew he felt the same for me.

* * *

It was a Tuesday. I yawned. Actually, I should be at work, but I simply skipped it, because I wanted to spend some time with Sirius, who had a day off. No one knew when the next would be coming. We decided to spend the day in a muggle-open-air-pool. Sirius always had these crazy ideas- Pool, bowling, poker or open-air-pool. I loved spending my free time outwards the wizarding world. So we laid next to each other in the sun. Sirius was asleep, I was flipping through a magazine, deciding what would be nice gifts for Lily and James to the birth of their son. Sirius was going to be godfather. What pissed me off lately was that I often had the distinct feeling that the three of them were talking behind my back about a lot of stuff not made for my ears. That made me curious because a baptism wasn't exactly a secretive thing. But little did I know back then and was satisfied with Sirius' explanation that I would be seeing things.

I turned to look at him. One was able to watch him tanning. On his once unflawed body now were a whole lot of little bruises, cuts and scars. I gently kissed his youngest scar, a souvenir from the last weekend where he captured a dark wizard dealing with forbidden potion ingredients. Word spread that Death Eaters had been involved here, too. But if they were involved everywhere a rumor said, then it must be eight thousand-something DEs by now. Sirius woke with a start.

"Hey, kiddo." His fingers ran through my hair. He had far too little sleep.

"Hey, big catch. Did you sleep well?"

"Next to such a beautiful woman- of course."

"I think I will go swimming now. I'm hot."

He smiled dirty at me. "Hot? I know a cure to that problem."

We were a couple for ten months now, but he still desired me like on our first date. He sat up, perfectly well aware of the fact that I had to watch his abdominal muscles. Who can say no to such an offer? He pulled me onto his lap in a passionate kiss.

Suddenly, I heard James' voice. "Sirius, come to Godric's Hallow. It's urgent!"

I was appalled for I couldn't find a sign of James anywhere. The only thing I saw was a silvery stag, nearly invisible against the sunlight.

Sirius shoved me from his lap. "I am sorry, but when he does that it is really urgent."

He looked at me. Fright and disappointment met in my face. He was angry with himself. "Sorry, shorty. I know you skipped work for me and all I do is ruining your day, but I will make up for it, okay?"

"Was that a patronus? I never knew they are able to speak." I wondered inanely.

"As soon as I am back, I will show you how it's done, okay?" he smiled.

"Okay, I'll just stay here until its sleeping time."

He looked in my face tenderly and kissed me again before he left. I knew, he loved me, but my stomach squirmed unpleasant after he was gone to Godric's Hallow where Lily and James lived together now.

I sighed. My life was really hopeless. An appointment with the Queen was easier to get than some quality time with my boy. Talking about the Queen. What was she up to lately? I grabbed for a muggle-magazine I had brought along.

* * *

Later that evening Sirius appeared in my flat. He slumped onto the bed next to me.

"What was up?"

"Ah, nothing. Just a stupid meeting with Dorcas and James."

"I thought it was important."

"Well, Moody wanted to see how quick we manage to meet in case of an emergency."

"At the place where a heavily pregnant Lily lives, too?"

"Yeah." he had started to kiss every inch of my butt.

"You know, sometimes I have the feeling that you are excluding me from something."

"No, that's your imagination." he murmured, continuing his self-set task.

"I don't think so!"

"Don't be paranoid." he bantered.

"Something is fishy with you guys."

"Okay, we want to capture world domination." he said without stopping his kisses.

"What? Is this supposed to be funny?"

"No fun." He was not in the mood for further discussion, he wanted to fuck me, that much I could feel.

"And why are you planning with the dim-witted Meadowes instead of me?"

"Because I want to surprise you." His fingers were gliding up and down my inner thighs.

"But…"

"No, we are going to conquer the world and then I will present it to you, no jealousy." Impatience swung in his voice. He had reached my clit and was demanding for me with his playful fingers.

"You going to let me in on the plan?" I opened my thighs slightly for his hand.

"No, you are too precious for the dirty work." A finger gently found its way into me.

"Maybe I can help?" I breathed.

"No, you do nothing but enjoy."

* * *

Two days later I had business from Gringott's to attend at the ministry. I talked to the employee in charge when suddenly uproar started there. Something must have happened, people were running through the corridors. The ministry worker and me stepped out of his bureau.

"Prewetts are dead! Both!"

"Five Death Eaters!"

"They found his hideout!"

"Lily Evans and Dorcas Meadowes!"

"James Potter and Sirius Black!"

A cold shiver ran down my back. What happened to Sirius Black?

I saw Barty Crouch coming down the corridor.

"Mr. Crouch! What happened to Sirius Black?"

"I don't know. Alastor Moody. Not authorized. I can't believe it!" He wanted to walk past, but I held him on his sleeve. "Where is Sirius?"

"St. Mungo's. Unbelievable. Not authorized. I can't believe it! Prewetts." He was gobsmacked, looking at me he shook his head as if everything was my fault.

I grabbed my cloak and set off to St. Mungos. I had to see Sirius. What had happened? James, Lily, Dorcas and Sirius. The patronus the day before yesterday. 'Something is fishy with you guys.' I heard my own voice recalling. But Lily? She wasn't an Auror in training and eights month pregnant by the way. What the fuck did they do and why didn't Sirius tell me anything?

In St. Mungos I was not allowed to see Sirius. They pretended that he wasn't even there. I had to find Clot and she persuaded the healer to let me see him. He was sleeping. Clot whispered that he broke a few bones and had a few curse-wounds, but otherwise he was okay.

In the bed next to Sirius was Mad Eye Moody, surveying me with his magical eye.

"Miss Burke. I see you are well connected in here. We are not supposed to be visited."

I looked at him confused. What did he want to impress?

"Don't worry, Missy. I wish I would have met you again under more pleasant circumstances." he croaked. I slumped on a stool between Moody and Sirius and took the latter's hand. It was reassuringly warm.

"But what happened? Mr. Crouch said he didn't authorize any attack."

"Authorization! All he keeps thinking of. Opportunity just showed up, couldn't let it pass. There was no time for endless ministry discussions." He lied, I knew it. Whatever had happened was the reason why he had wanted to see them on Tuesday.

"But did you only took Aurors in training with you? And Lily? She is heavily pregnant and not even a pupil of yours."

"As I said: opportunity. Prewetts were there, too. And Lily is over age, she wanted to come, so she came."

"How are Lily and James? And the baby? And Dorcas?"

"Well, better than Prewetts I would say. Those devils. It took five Death Eaters to hunt them down!" He laughed outright.

I was under the impression that his eye was not the only thing mad about Moody.

"When we had to backtrack, they were left behind. They fought like lions, but we weren't able to rescue them. Who knows how many more Death Eaters they killed? They died like heroes." He sounded delighted.

I was aghast. He just lost two colleagues, how on earth could he talk like that? Would he report to me from Sirius' last battle like this?

"Baby, you are here." Sirius whispered suddenly and squeezed my hand softly.

I looked into his face, holding it with both hands.

"I came immediately after I heard that something had happened."

"I love you."

"I love you, too. What on earth happened to you?"

He shook his head. "Later, I'm so tired. I just want to look at you."

I raised my eyebrow. "No, my dear. I saw you Wednesday morning heading for work, the next thing I hear is you are half-dead in hospital twenty-four hours later. Even your boss hasn't the slightest idea where you have been, Prewetts are dead and you just want to look at me?"

Moody laughed out loud again. "Miss Burke, Miss Burke, such pure-blooded attitude! Allow Sirius to look at you, I will do the explaining: James Potter found out the whereabouts of the Death Eater Headquarter, just don't ask me how. He informed me, since I am his trainer. I asked the Prewetts to come over, because they were fabulous and skilful fighters. We met at Godric's Hallow, where –as you are aware- Lily Potter lives now. Miss Meadowes as my third charge was there, too. We actually just wanted to check the location, you know. What we didn't know was that this filthy scum had spotted us the second we arrived there. Don't ask me how. There must be some kind of secret communication. They became more and more, putting up a fight, situation was getting out of control, we had to backtrack. Prewetts didn't make it. End of the story."

"And why did not inform the ministry? You were only seven!"

"We just wanted to scout the place and see if he is really there. You don't need a ministry-masterplan for that kind of work. I always work like that and nobody has been complaining so far."

"So far." I didn't buy his explanation. If James had really tracked down DE Headquarter, it was a ministry case, definitely. Even for scouting the area you would use ten Aurors minimum, not Aurors in training and outstanding persons. James would never ever allow Lily to accompany such a suicide mission. His magical eye stared at me. He knew I knew that he was lying. Today I know he had to, because the mission had been Order's work. There were too many Death Eaters or people under the Imperius curse to reveal facts about Voldemorts hideout within the ministry. That's why Lily came and that's why James allowed her to.

Moody starred my gaze down.

"Really, Miss Burke. We know what we are doing. Mind your own business."

* * *

Sirius was allowed to leave St. Mungos on Friday. I took him home to his flat. He was silently holding me in his arms for what felt like hours. He already told me what exactly he did during the night of the attack. How he fought, how all turned out to be a near-massacre. But when I tried to ask him the questions I already had asked Moody, I would receive the same screwed answers. Even those concerning Lily. He clinched to Moody's story for some reason, though he obviously felt uneasy. When I pressed the point further, he pulled me into his lap.

"Baby, there is something much more important we have to talk about."

"What?"

"Sadra, I am in great danger now and you with me."

"Why?"

"We have to assume that the Death Eaters saw our faces. I am sure they will take vengeance. That makes me their target. And you are the woman I love. That makes you interesting in their eyes. No matter if you are pure-blooded or not."

My heart sank. I hadn't even thought about this. I was afraid. For the first time in my life I realized in which danger Sirius constantly was and what it meant to fight Voldemort. He was so brave and male. And I had been so stupid. The whole Voldemort-thing hadn't affected me more than a problem in a far-away country. Now he was trying to kill my man and me?

"You understand? They could abduct you to blackmail me or just hurt you in other horrible ways."

I laughed shrilly. "Yes, nice idea."

"Sadra. You have to make a decision now. You can get up and leave. Go to your parents and tell him, I was a horrible mistake. You are pure-blooded, they will not be interested in you anymore once we broke up. Leave me and you will be safe. If you stay with me, you will be in –maybe even-mortal danger and no one will be able to protect you. You ought to go."

"Is that what you want?"

"Believe me. There is nothing in this world I wish less except to see you suffer under the hand of a Death Eater because of me."

"What do you suggest?"

"It is your decision."

"We could be together in secret."

"This will not last long. Voldemorts spies are everywhere. Forbearance is not acquittance."

"But I am not interested in the whole thing. I am completely indifferent! That's politics."

"No, it is not. This is freedom and dignity of men we are talking about. And whether you are interested or not, doesn't make a difference to Voldemort. If you are of use to him, he will use you." Sirius was heated up immediately, his voice getting louder.

"What are you fighting against here, Sirius? I didn't grow up here. I know nothing about this guy. I don't care who is pure- half or what-not-blooded. I don't want to rule over Muggles, too. All I want to do is enjoy my life. Who is he to bring you in danger? Who is he to affect my life like that?" I was heating up, too.

"Sadra, the problem is that a lot people think like you. Well, he's not their cup of tea. These are the worst people for they become his involuntary helpers. He blackmails, threatens, spreads fear and terror. Originally not wanted to be affected with him at all, those people start spying on their neighbors, to betray and sell their friends."

"But how did our relationship ever work out if I am one of those?"

"Baby, one of those…I would prefer to enjoy my life with you, too. But if I don't fight now no witch or wizard will ever be able to live a peaceful live. It's for the freedom of all people. I want you to think about it. Since you are pure-blooded you lack the fear that makes Dorcas such brilliant fighter, of course. But I love you."

"But you are pure-blooded, too! Why do you fight for a cause that doesn't concern you?"

I knew I was talking stupid stuff. I didn't allow his words to penetrate my mind. Believe me, it sounds easy, but if you are asked to risk your life for the freedom of other people, you start thinking that slavery might not be that bad at all. Besides, this Dorcas-sentence pissed me off. Wasn't I a fighter, too? Didn't I taught him dueling? Didn't I fought my parents for him?

"No, these are my problems. It is my freedom I defend, too. Even though I would be on the winner's side I don't betray my beliefs. If the others are too stupid or to coward to fight, fine. Sooner or later they will wake up and join' us. Or die."

"You love being super-hero, don't you?" I bitched.

„And you love being a superficial bitch, don't you?"

We glared at each other. Sirius was still so pale. I started crying suddenly. Sirius tightened his arms around me, gently swaying me back and forth.

"Baby, what is it?" he whispered, with his thumb he swept a tear from my cheek.

"I am sorry." I sobbed. "I didn't mean it. You are just out of hospital, two of your colleagues are dead and you might have been as well and now this! I am afraid. I am afraid to lose you, afraid of what will happen to me if I stay with you and have to answer to myself if something horribly happens. I am afraid that I am a superficial bitch, which will never understand what this fight is all about. And who is not a fighter." Tears fell on his crisp white shirt.

"Kiddo, it's okay. I love you more than anything else. But I will not accept you here with me if you don't respect my cause. I would create a strong weapon next to me. I would never be able to trust you. And you would never become a fighter. As soon as something happens you will hate me and accuse me of bringing you into this situation. If you do not share my beliefs, you can turn around and go. I never could. I chose to be an Auror. I am doing this for those people who can't help themselves, for Lily "the mudblood" and her baby-boy and all the others who have to fear for their lives because a lunatic wants it that way! I would never leave my path!"

"Not even for me?" I squeaked.

"No."

„Merlin, I don't know."

"Listen, you should go home now. AllI am asking you is to think about Lily, about Clot. Think about all those people you love. They are in great danger. I am giving you six weeks. I will expect your decision then. And I will wait."


	10. Reconciliation

AN: I have a horrible cold, so I had a lot of time to continue with my story. I am very sad that I have still so few reviews. They are my writing fuel and every time I recognize a new one, I am really happy. So please review!!!

**Chapter 10**

**-Reconciliation-**

Sirius's fingers were shivering as tried to adjust his bow-tie. Today would be the day of Harry's baptism. The sun was shining bright from a bright blue August sky. He had been in Gordric's Hallow for a few days to relax and to help James with the household (decent coughing).

He thought about Sadra. Today would be doomsday for him, too. She and Lily had been communicating via owl a lot these days to organize the decoration and the party. Lily was still a bit shaky, so Sadra planned it all. Sirius was ill at ease. She should make her decision, not organize parties. And if she wasn't willing to follow him, he had to forget her. He abided his promises. He knew what he was asking for, but these days were not made for compromising. He needed a loyal, strong fighter on his side. Not a beautiful one whose thighs felt so incredible good around his hips, whose soft moans made him crazy…Merlin, he had to think about something else.

Dorcas had recognized that there was something wrong in the relationship to Sadra and had started to make a pass at him, but he was not interested in her at all. She was so unspectacular, so little lucent and tempting, not tempestuously and passionate at all…soon he would need a bowl of ice to cool down. He shook himself like a wet dog. Now his hair looked perfect.

He went down to look where James was. Lily was still at her parents' house, her sister Petunia had refused to come to the baptism and Lily went there, hoping that she would be able to persuade her. Petunia seemed to be a nasty peace of work.

James was pacing through the living-room.

"Nervous, Prongs?" Sirius mocked.

"Not at all." James lit a muggle-cigarette. "How about you?"

"Just a little." Sirius lit up, too.

"Look who is coming! Wow, wow, wow, Padfoot. If Lily wouldn't be my queen, I would say I would be envious of you about her."

I wore a banging light blue summer dress with matching stiletto shoes, sparkling jewelry and a blue hairband. Sirius nearly couldn't breathe anymore.

"Merlin!" he gasped out.

James laughed. "Padfoot, I need you today. Keep in mind, Lily will be arriving around twelve o'clock and at three o'clock Harry will be baptized. With you as his godfather!"

Sirius nodded absentminded and moved towards me.

I had come this early to talk to him before the ceremony was too close. I smiled at him shyly. I think he felt that I came with good news, his step was confident.

He was so beautiful. His arms crossed in front of his chest, the casual elegance of his hair and the longing gaze in his grey eyes.

Believe me, I had had horrible weeks. I thought a lot about his words, I knew that they were true, but I was afraid for my life. I had never been the rebellious one, I had only been a little insubordinate. I still didn't understand how Sirius became the man he was. He could have had everything, but he chose the rocky path. I was under the impression that he was a little narcissistic about his rebellious side. Nonetheless I had come to the conclusion that I loved him and that was reason enough to support him on his way. All people that meant anything for me back in those days were somehow involved in the fight against Voldemort. Lily, the mudblood; Clot was a half-blood, who knew if she wouldn't be next.

All in all- I did it for the wrong reasons. It was not my belief that made me act, but love for Sirius and concern for my friends. Asked today I might have decided otherwise. Today I know that nothing is so hard as man's ingratitude.

On this day in August, however, he stood in front of me, his eyes searching mine for the answer of his question. He found what he had been hoping for. He pulled me close and kissed me with all his passion. For me that was all I needed.

The ceremony was marvelous. Lily and James both grinned like Cheshire cats and Sirius with them. Little Harry slept most of the time. When the warm new moon night fell, all over the garden lampions were ignited, the smell of roasted meat was in the air and a band was playing.

I was just dancing with an almost fresh looking Remus, when I recognized that Sirius was talking insistently to Dumbledore. I saw his defiantness and the soothing gestures of the old man. Finally, Sirius turned on his heel and marched back to the house, seething.

I didn't have the slightest idea what this had been all about and was intending to follow Sirius, but this very second Hagrid asked me for a dance. Well, Sirius was best left alone in this mood and I simply loved dancing with Hagrid. He was throwing and twirling me around like I was feather and which woman doesn't like that feeling?

It was much later when I saw Sirius again. He sat on a swing, his bow-tie open, in one hand a glass of Firewhisky, a cigarette in the other.

„Hey." I smiled.

„Hey."

„What did you argue with Dumbledore about?"

He put me off. "That was nothing."

"For nothing you are still quite in a mood."

"I am in a bad mood, because the most beautiful woman here doesn't look at me."

He flashed me the puppy-eyes.

I raised my eyebrows. "Where is that bitch? I will give her what for!"

"Yeah, that would be nice." He laughed and grabbed for me. "But I think I cannot wait that long. So, for the time being, I will make do with you."

He was yearning for me. His whole body was in uproar when he started kissing me. I found out later that Sirius had been asking Dumbledore if I could join' the Order now. Dumbledore told him this very evening that they had to wait if I really would provide useful information. I was not to be told about the Order until he says so.

"I missed you incredibly." Sirius murmured between two kisses.

„Sirius, I missed you, too. But remember the last time you missed me so much."

He chuckled. "I will wait until they are all gone. But I claim repayment for a whole month!"

Sexy and confident as ever, full of trust in himself and his abilities. He was irresistible.

"I will. Promise." This time my voice was husky when I left his arms. "Come on, let's dance. Maybe the most beautiful woman on this party will become jealous."

We danced, drank and laughed until the break of dawn. I neither recognized Peters greedy gaze neither the sorrow in Dorca's face.

I never got to sleep that night, Sirius made me repay until it was already time for lunch.

* * *

With begin of autumn the Death Eater activities increased alarmingly. Sirius and James kept joking that the DE's had been on vacation. The information I provided from Gringott's seemed to be pretty useful, Sirius was very content with what I told him. Besides, I was well connected everywhere and heard a lot of things other people didn't, at least thanks to Clot who collected gossip of all kind like a sponge and was ready to release it anytime.

It was an early Saturday morning at the end of October when I heard Sirius entering my flat. I lay on top of my bed, undressed. I knew he hadn't slept for two nights, but I also knew that my naked body was irresistible to him. The sheer sight of me still made him good and ready after more than a whole year. I heard him yawning while entering my bedroom. I sensed his presence and the arousal he felt at my sight. I don't know why I pretend to be asleep, it was a sexy game for me and I still was bit drunk from the night before I had spent with Clot here.

I heard him removing his clothes quick, I felt his weight on my bed, could smell his body while he knelt over me.

His hands glided over my body with strong, forceful massaging movements. My body tensed up, but still I pretend to sleep. I felt his erection, I was sure he couldn't resist the idea of entering me while I was asleep. He gently nibbled on my earlobe while his hands were caressing my breasts. Faking to be drugged with sleep I softly moaned his name and felt how his skin became hotter.

His fingertips traveled down my stomach, gently parting my legs. What he did felt weird, but exciting, forbidden and unique at the same time. His fingers were touching me in my most intimate spots, arousing me with secure movements. I was ready, soft and relaxed.

"You do want it." he whispered as he allowed one of his fingers to enter me. I moaned softly. He knelt between my parted legs, stroking my clit with his erection. It felt incredible. My hips moved on their own accord, slow and sensual. He entered me slowly, I was still tight around him. I felt a chill running down my spine. He was moving so slowly, it made me insane. I opened my eyes. "Sirius." I moaned.

He winked at me. "Couldn't pretend to be asleep forever, could you?" I looked into his eyes, the way he liked it. His thrusts were still slow and deep.

"Sirius."

„What is it?" He wanted to fuck me, no talking.

"Sirius, I ran out of contraceptive potion, you have to be careful."

"Do I really have to?" he whispered and continued.

His reaction surprised me, but obviously the idea of making a baby right here and now aroused him. "I love you and if it is meant to happen now, I will let it happen."

At his words my lust tripled. He was ready to make me a child. I was not intending to have a child, but with the men I loved in me, moving faster now, reassuring me that what we were doing was right, I felt another level of lust. Wasn't this what it's all about?

He became faster and testier, I answered with clawing my nails in his butt to pull him closer to me. We came within the same second, both heavy panting. My mind was blank, it was the strongest orgasm I had experienced so far.

* * *

A weekend in November we decided to go out with James, Lily, Remus, Clot, Peter and maybe Dorcas. Old Bathilda Bagshot was going to take care of Harry.

Our little adventure luckily had not leaded to pregnancy. I was relieved. So passionate this morning had been, so carelessly it was. What on earth had I've been thinking? What should I do with a child? Especially now? Sirius, on the opposite, had been disappointed. I had to be careful in the future and always have a decent stock of potion in my flat. He was ready to take the risk any other day. He loved kids even more since he knew Harry.

But times were getting worse now. Last week Voldemort had attacked Frank and Alice Longbottom, they had managed to escape in the very last second. Death Eaters also had attacked James and Sirius, but they had fought their way out.

I stood in front of a mirror, closing a chain around my neck. Sirius got close behind me, clasping his arms around me, laying his chin on my shoulder. His right hand glided down my stomach, coming to rest at the place where his baby would lay now. We looked at each other through the mirror. What has got into him lately? His grey eyes were so full of love and tenderness that I almost felt ashamed.

"You are so wonderful, our baby would have been perfect."

"Sirius, we can have hundreds of children- later. We are young. What's up with you? The notorious Sirius Black, nightmare for anxious mothers and well-conducted women wants to have a child?"

"With you." he whispered. "Look, if I would have died, I would have been gone and have left nothing to this world. James has Harry, Frank has Neville. Even my horrible parents had two children."

"Frank's mother is still alive. And yours."

"You are well aware of what I mean." He let go.

I sighed. Yes, I knew. After all he had been through, I could even understand him. But what if this passion would turn out to be just as short-lived as his others? You couldn't stop having a child like stopping a game of poker.

Sirius was angry. Didn't she understand how much he loved her? Yes, he was quick to get enthusiastic about things and lose his interest just as fast. That was him all over. It had been the same with the women he had met before her. But this was different. He wanted to seal their love, create something only he and her were able to create. But she just didn't understand.

* * *

The evening was less fun than I thought. Lily clung to pumpkin juice for she was still breast-feeding Harry, James and Sirius drowned way to much alcohol and their jokes became far too mean for my taste. Remus hardly said a word and Peter was somewhat hyped-up with a feverish glance in his eyes. Clot and Dorcas didn't even attend. The whole atmosphere was tense and I had the strange feeling of being an outcast again.

We spent this years Christmas and New Year's Eve with Lily, James and Harry in Godric's Hallow. It was a wonderful time. The little family lived in perfect harmony. I loved to drink coffee with Lily while the boys played with Harry. It couldn't have been any better.

The peaceful family time was the best I had experienced in a long time. All the cogeniality, everything was soft and cuddly and the baby would smile at me. I really envied Lily. How did she create such a lovely atmosphere in her home? Mine was just stylish and overloaded with shoes. Maybe I should consider Sirius's idea of starting a family with him. At this very thought I had to laugh. I was never much of a homemaker and creating a nice atmosphere would be nearly impossible for me.


	11. Jaunts

AN: What do I have to do to make you review? So many people put my story on their story alert list, but still I get no reviews….You want cookies? Cream? Häagen-Dazs Cookies & Cream? Do I have to call a strike? Am I doing anything wrong? Am I posting too fast? Please review or I'll get depressed.

**Chapter 11**

**-Jaunts-**

1981 began just like the old year had ended. Sirius and James were working overtime nearly every day and I was glad to see Sirius once or twice a week. The first half of the year passed with only little disturbances of my life. Twice I had to visit Sirius in St. Mungo's again because of injuries caused by Death Eaters, but I was used to this.

Voldemort seemed to have focused on James Potter, whom he hunted worse than ever. In May James was suspended from the offivial auror training for it became too dangerous. He had to stay in Godric's Hallow ever since and was advised to not leave his home.

"James, I can't stand this." Sirius said on a visit in Godric's Hallow at the end of July.

"What?" James raised an eyebrow.

"I want to have Sadra in the Order."

"Sirius, Dumbledore doesn't want her to be. We have discussed this matter over and over again, remember?" James sighed.

"Yes, but still it doesn't change a thing!" Sirius answered stubbornly.

"Sirius, there is information appearing on the other side that shouldn't be there and we do not know how it came there!"

"You think, she is a spy?!" Sirius' tone became aggressive immediately.

"No." James shook his head. "No one really does. It is information she couldn't have had unless you gave it to her."

"So you think I did?" Sirius was already getting up. "You think I am feeding her with information? You think I relinquish her all the time because she is no member, but give her information? Is it that, mate?"

James kept cool. "No. And you know that I would never ever in a million years think like that. Dumbledore just doesn't want any new members, as you are very well aware. We have a leak ever since the new year began. It is too dangerous. All the misinformation we spread, poured out somewhere."

"It must be Remus. He is acting funny for months now. And Dumbledore goes and will make Snape the Potion teacher of Hogwarts. Horrible. Keep your friend close, but your enemy closer. I don't know what he is playing at. Snape is evil." Sirius sighed.

"I know. But do you really think that Remus would double-cross us after all we have been through?"

Sirius shook his head no. He stepped next to the open window, but there was no wind at all.

"Something is awfully wrong." he said.

James nodded.

"I just don't believe it. A spy somewhere in our inner circle. I have to find out who it is." Sirius was tense. "I don't believe this. We should be strong like one man together. I will have to make a few investigations this week."

"You don't want to come to Harry's first birthday?"

"I want to, but I can't. I have a letter for Lily here, explaining what I am up to."

James sighed. "I'll give it to her. But she will be disappointed. You are his godfather after all."

"Do you think I forgot that? Sadra is going to come. She hasn't seen Lily and Harry for ages."

"She is a worthy substitute for you, I think." James smiled.

"Sure." Sirius said absentminded.

"I want to go out. I hate being stuck here." James burst out.

Sirius laughed. "In school we never stuck no where. Not us."

* * *

Despite all warning, James decided to sneak out to the Three Broomsticks with Lily in August. Lily didn't want to first, but Sirius and James talked her into doing so.

"Come on, nothing is going to happen there.", "We are stuck here for such a long time.", "Bathilda is going to take care of Harry." and so on. Finally, she gave in. The boys could be very persuasive if they wanted to. Lily (say nothing of me) didn't have the slightest idea that James planned offering himself as decoy for the spy and the Death Eaters. He and Sirius had invited Remus, Dorcas and Peter to come with us. They wanted to find out if Remus really was passing information to the other side, because after his investigations Sirius was pretty sure that it had to be him. His thoughts had lingered for a few seconds on Peter, but he never considered him for real. He was a weak little person, idolizing James and Sirius. Peter wouldn't even have the courage to contact a Death Eater let alone proposing a deal to him.

The August night we went out was misty and sticky. James and Sirius made it look like they had chosen the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, because it was still a Death Eater free place as far as they knew. Besides, they swore that Madam Rosmerta would still be in love with them.

James, Peter, Sirius and me had Firewhisky, Remus and Lily drank Butterbeer and Dorcas had a cocktail that looked life threatening.

We laughed and had a lot of fun. Sirius had invited Rosmerta to join us for a drink, Peter stared at her in awe, but she had only eyes for James and Sirius.

"You can't ignore our Wormtail like this!" James just mocked Rosmerta.

"Cheers, I can. Let's hope he doesn't live up to his name!" she laughed.

Sirius and James roared with laughter. They were loaded.

I shook my head, the Firewhisky already had made me dizzy. Why did they have to be that mean every time they were loaded? Peter really seemed to be down after this comment and his goodbye followed half an hour later. Remus meanwhile talked with Lily and Dorcas (who seemed to ignore me) about Harry.

* * *

Avery pulled his hood deeper in his face.

„How much longer are they going to stay there?" he asked irritably.

„You will have to exercise in patience." A deep voice answered, coming from underneath a horrific mask.

„One of them is already gone."

„That is okay. The Dark Lord wants Potter and the blood-traitor Black." A third voice croaked.

„What is to happen with the women?"

„Bring them to the Dark Lord, too. Maybe the accessories are of use to him. But the men have priority."

Avery nodded and glided back into the shadows of the dark night.

* * *

We were drunk, completely wasted to be true. James and Sirius weren't able to stop laughing anymore, Dorcas was trying to laugh along with them. Even Remus was grinning tipsy. I whispered with Lily about a cute guy that just had left.

This moment, Rosmerta came over to our table impatiently, she wanted to close the pub.

We took our cloaks and left. Remus and Dorcas went first, Lily and I close behind. James and Sirius staggered behind us arm in arm, consulting with each other which song they should sing to amuse the rest.

The Death Eaters stroked suddenly. Twelve of them jumped out the shadows. Lily was immediately hit by a stunner, falling to the ground. The rest of us ripped the wands out of the cloaks. Dorcas was too slow, she collapsed in front of me. Merlin, four against twelve, we wouldn't stand a chance. I started fighting, seconds later I saw how James smashed to the ground in front of me. No, no, this couldn't be happening! I felt a curse hitting my back, they had encircled us as there were enough of them. I heard a distant scream, then everything went black.

The next thing I know was a Death Eater tying me and Dorcas together with thin black ropes. He had our wands in his hand. James and Lily were next to us, tied the same way. Six of the Detah Eaters apparated us away, leaving the others to fight with Remus and Sirius. As the latter saw that I had disappeared he used a curse so strong it blasted a huge crater in the ground. The few surviving Death Eaters were thrown into the forest, where they disapparated.

„No!!! Stay, you filthy bastards!" Sirius screamed.

„Merlin, we need to inform the Order." Remus yelled.

Sirius seemed to have lost his senses, he rampaged like a lunatic. Remus had positively to wrestle him down. "We have to inform the Order or they will be lost!"


	12. Fear

AN: This chapter might be the darkest chapter in the story. In this chapter there will be rape committed. If you are affronted or affected by this theme in any special way, please do not read it. I have been thinking twice about posting this chapter the way it is, but this story is rated M for reason. And I feel that there has to be a part in the story that has to show how cruel and inhuman the war was and how Voldemort was able to spread fear in the way he did.

**Chapter 12**

**- Fear-**

I had passed out again. When I woke there was thick darkness. I groaned.

„Sadra?"

„Dorcas?"

„Yes." she breathed.

„Where are we?"

"I don't know. I heard screams, but now everything is silent."

„I can't move." I grunted, the cords cutting into my wrists. "Where are Lily and James? For Merlin's sake- Harry!"

"Shht, don't mention him!" Dorcas hissed.

„But where are they?"

„I don't know. Not here."

We heard a loud, blood-curdling scream. It sounded like James.

"No. They are torturing him." Dorcas whispered. "He must remain strong."

"Where is Sirius?"

"Hell, I don't know. I am in this dungeon just as long as you are. You would be better of worrying for yourself. Sirius knows how to take care of himself."

I felt sick. I really loathed this bitch. Who did she think she was talking to me like that? But starting a fight between us would be the most stupid thing even I had ever done. So I bit my lip. How long had we been here? What was going to happen to us? This was exactly one of these situations Sirius referred to, when he advised me to go back home to my parents playing rueful pure-blood.

Now a woman screamed on top of her voice, a man roared, but the voices seemed to be unfamiliar. We heard footsteps. My gasping breath quickened. The door was pushed open. Light flooded through the dungeon. It was empty expect for me and Dorcas and a person that had died a long time ago. His skull was covered with shreds of decaying flesh, one eye was missing, the other one starred at me rotten and questioningly. I turned with a cry.

Someone grabbed my hair and pulled me up, the cords hurting badly. My robes were covered in blood and dirt. My heart was beating so fast, I had the feeling it would stop any second,

just because it was getting too fast.

The masked Death Eaters pushed me to a dim-lit room with high ceilings. It was full of shadowy shapes. It was unnaturally cold. A blue fire was burning in a corner of the room. It took my eyes a while to adjust to the spare light. But then I saw him.

He was exceptional tall, slim and so white he seemed to shimmer in the twilight. His face looked like a snake. He had no real nose, it were more two slits in his face, his pupils almost vertical. A red gleam seemed to radiate from them.

I couldn't believe my eyes. This was him- Lord Voldemort. I knew this was my death sentence. Few, who saw him had survived to tell the tale. I must be in his Headquarter. He stared at me unblinkingly. I was nothing but fear.

"Miss Burke, I assume?" His voice was cold and high, but sophisticated.

I nodded. I was dead, lies would not change a thing. I wanted to die with my head held high. Sirius should be proud of me.

"Miss Burke. What a pleasure." He smiled. "And what a pleasure. I wasn't misinformed when I was told you are an incredible beautiful witch. Unfortunately, you don't seem to value the last factor.

Where were James and Lily? I looked around.

"Gone, Miss Burke." Merlin, was he able to read my thoughts?

"Regrettably, Mr. Potter seems to know a few tricks, he didn't learn from his dear teacher by any chance." The surrounding crowd laughed. "He disappeared with his precious wife while my Death Eaters tried to apparate them here. It seems he only feigned unconsciousness. A trick unworthy for a man, but nonetheless effective to overcome my inept Death Eaters."

His gaze lingered on four Death Eaters lying on the floor in a distant corner, moaning and grunting.

This had been the screams! My heart leapt with joy.

"So happy, Miss Burke? There is no reason for happiness. Potters will die sooner or later. Later than you, Miss Burke, but surely sooner than they intend to."

He turned to face Dorcas.

"Miss Meadowes. I heard from you. Filthy mudblood." He made a little movement with his wand and Dorcas head was slammed against the nearby wall, causing her to scream out.

"Miss Burke, you will soon recognize that it does matter, what kind of blood runs through your veins. In life and in death."

I stared at him. I wouldn't stand a cat's chance in hell. He would kill me.

"But before I will teach you this valuable lesson, I am going to ask you some questions."

He snapped his fingers and the cords vanished. I massaged my wrists. I looked up at him, my gaze now proud and furious.

"And I want you to tell me the truth, otherwise you will have to suffer my displeasure." She might be an adequate reward for a worthy Death Eater.

I nodded.

"Why are you betraying our kind? Why did you have to pick Sirius Black of all men? You broke your dear parents' hearts." He eyed me interested.

"I love him." I shrugged.

"Now, this is sweet. But where is he? Seems like Romeo left his Juliet all alone here, went home and is seeking pleasure in the arms of another mudblood-whore. Like he usually does."

He was provoking me.

"Do you really think, Miss Burke, you are the first woman he lulled with his sweet talk about love? Do you really think you were the only one he slept with during the last years?"

My body tensed. This was ridiculous. But here, in the twilight I wasn't able to feel the same confidence in him I used to feel.

"He even cheated on you with this little moodblood over there, right?" Dorcas nodded.

"You should think about it, my dear. Here with us you would be valued for your beauty and ancestry. Here is no one who would use your pure body for his pleasure and then throw it away. Your children fathered by a pureblooded Death Eater would be most precious."

I shook my head. I was fighting to remember the last weeks, even hours. He loved me and only me. These were dirty tricks and Dorcas surely acted under the Imperius curse.

"So you love him. And why- pray tell- does the purity-hater Black choose a pureblooded woman?" Voldemort asked his entourage suddenly.

"I will tell you. He doesn't hate purebloods after all. He likes to take those muggle-whores, who offer themselves so frequently to him, but the truth is, my friends, he is much closer to us than all of you think. He wants to father a child, this Black, a son, now his father and brother have died. And who would be more suitable to receive the son and heir of the Blacks than this woman?"

"He is adventuresome, but in his heart his is a true Black, his soul so dark like his dear brothers'." Voldemort laughed out cruelly. His gaze again lingered on the four Death Eaters in the corner who still fought the aftermath of the Crucatius- curse.

"And now, Miss Burke- now you are going to tell me about the Order of the Phoenix." He crossed his arms and sat on the edge of a huge nearby table.

I was confused. Did he just try to imply that Sirius was a Death Eater? That's bullshit. But how did Voldemort knew about his wish for a child? And what was the Order of the Phoenix?

I shook my head. Voldemorts eyes bored into mine.

"You don't even know what I am talking about. Tss tss, Black is so smart. He didn't even tell you that he is a double-agent for us in Dumbledore's secret society?" He laughed cold.

"Unfortunately, your abilities seem to be less than your looks." He turned to Dorcas again.

"Now it is your turn, little Order-slut."

I felt I was shackled again. His insults were burning like fire in my face. What was this Order-thing? I really never heard of it, Sirius never mentioned it. The last summer popped into my mind. Sirius in St. Mungos.

"Dorcas here- the little Black-slut- she knows what the Order is, right?"

He was baby-talking to her. Dorcas shook her head.

"Didn't you promise to stick with the truth?" He slapped her with movements of his wand.

"Talk!" There was no patience in voice. Dorcas remained silent. She endured his violence, even when he started using the Cruciatus- curse on her. Her screams echoed in my head, but she didn't answer his questions. Why didn't anyone come to our rescue? They didn't know where we are, sure. Nobody would find us. We were going to die here.

"Well, my dear. Now it is going to become unpleasant for you." Voldemort was talking to me. "Your friend doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe it will loosen her tongue to see how I torture you?" He laughed.

"If she is sleeping with my man, this won't work, I am afraid."

"That's the way love goes." He grinned.

I only felt pain beyond pain, there is no way to describe the feeling of this curse. I heard myself screaming.

"Say it! Say it, Burke! Tell me about the Order? Who is member?"

"I…don't…know." I panted. "I never heard of it!"

Voldemort shook his head. "Has anyone ever seen two witches so stubborn?"

He quickly turned. "Maybe this will help."

I felt it on my body and saw it on Dorcas'. Our robes had vanished. We were lying on the cold floor completely naked. I cried out. It was the same little charm Sirius so often had used in bed.

The Death Eaters surrounded us greedily.

"Friends, in the corner over there are some Death Eaters that disappointed me severely tonight. I tortured them, yes. But is this enough punishment for allowing the Potters to escape? I don't think so. Now looking at these two young, voluptuous bodies, who were nice enough to undress already, a thought crossed my mind. I say: The Death Eater who punishes his failing fellows in a way that satisfies me, is allowed to regale himself with one of those."

I groaned, Dorcas wasn't moving at all. This could not be happening! I had a horrible nightmare and I would be waking any second in my bed.

The Death Eaters darted at their fellows in the corner. I couldn't see what was happening. I heard screaming, yelling, crying, sometimes even laughter. There was a female voice amongst those who were tortured. I had to get out of here! He was not just going to kill me, he was going to torture me to death. Every attempt to move, failed miserably. Merlin, what could I do?

* * *

Sirius was raging. Dumbledore wasn't able to calm him down. The relief that Lily and James managed to escape, was completely ignored because of his outburst. He howled like a wounded animal. They had tried everything, but no one knew where Sadra and Dorcas had been taken. They searched everywhere, activated all of their informants, but still there was nothing. He must have taken them to his Headquarters whose whereabouts were currently unknown.

They were in Godric's Hallow now, Sirius had smashed half of the living-room interior. James looked at him. He could feel with his friend, but it didn't reach his heart entirely. There was too much happiness in there that he had managed to rescue Lily. She was upstairs, sleeping. Harry was with her. If he had been in Sirius' position now…They had fucked up completely. The whole stupid trip had been their stupid selfish idea of catching the spy at ease.

Remus stood next to James. He looked with sympathy at Sirius, who had just started to have a go again at Dumbledore:

"If she had known about the Order, at least! He will ask her about it and when she can't tell him anything, he will kill her! It is all your fault, Albus!"

"Even if she knew, she would have to remain silent, otherwise she would have been a bad choice for the Order." Dumbledore retorted.

James hated the old man for his composure. He should scream at Sirius, blame him; this would help him.

"This fucked-up-Order! It is my girl we are talking about here und only because she is not in your fucking-club she doesn't count or what?" Sirius continued his accusations.

"I never said that, neither will you ever hear me saying things like this. We are doing the best we can." Dumbledores voice was calm.

Moody and Fenwick entered the room.

While Moody just grabbed Sirius in his arm to calm him, Fenwick said:

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No trace whatsoever. No Death Eater is where he ought to be. They are all gone. Must be Headquarters. There is nothing we can do."

"It is my fault! I should never have allowed her to stay at my side!"

Sirius felt on his knees, crying bitterly.

* * *

Tears had started to stream down my face. Dorcas still wasn't moving. Don't let her be dead. Or let her be dead? I didn't know what to hope for her. The uproar on the other side of the room was finished as Voldemort called: "Enough. I chose a winner."

What was he up to? He returned with his Death Eaters on the heels to us.

Voldemort called five persons towards himself next to Dorcas. The rest formed a circle, enclosing me.

"Well, you have proved to be a loyal servant to your Lord. You cherish my wishes higher than those of your companions. Take the moodblood!"

I gasped for breath.

"But my Lord," one of the Death Eaters said. "What about the pureblood? Isn't she supposed to be the prize for the winner?"

Voldemort smiled cold. "Do you really think I would reward one of you sadistic persons with a witch, whose blood is purer than any other in this room? There is no mood in her blood. I will think about what fate she will face." The last sentences sounded nearly tender.

I sobbed. Voldemort looked at me and suddenly I was dressed again.

"Now- take the moodblood, your comrades are waiting."

He sat on the edge of the table again. He didn't seem to be affected by the scene. He hadn't shown concupiscence at the sight of our naked bodies. He wasn't interested in the upcoming horror-scenario, he looked as if he was already plotting his next steps.

Two Death Eaters clutched Dorcas at her wrists and ankles, parting her legs brutally. She screamed. I felt a wave of nausea again. A Death Eater grabbed me by my hair forcing me to witness the scene. The winning Death Eater let down his pants, thrusting immediately into Dorcas. Her screams were high and pitched, she tried to fight, but the Death Eaters that held her joints were far too strong for her. I couldn't make out the face of the man under his mask.

He was brutal, he bruised her breasts, biting into her neck again and again. The others laughed and cheered him on.

When he had finished, he got up and the next Death Eater opened his pants. Voldemort didn't care that they continued with their horrible occupation. Dorcas body was limp, she seemed to be unconscious.

But the Death Eater who was raping her now, pulled on her hair so hard, she screamed out loud in agony. He laughed rude. "You don't want to miss the best fuck you are ever going to get, whore, won't you?" I sobbed convulsive.

Voldemort- lost in thoughts- left the table and sat on a nearby chair.

"She is so saggy, maybe this will make her get going." He turned her and rammed into her. I threw up. I couldn't stand it anymore, but the Death Eater didn't allow me to turn away.

After the second Death Eater was done, he pushed Dorcas away roughly. I had no tears left. I would fall asleep now and then I would be dead. Everything would be peaceful and fine. My head was numb. I prayed that Dorcas felt the same way.

A third man came to Dorcas. I was only able to shake my head steadily. How could this be happening? How could wizards be so cruel?

After the Death Eater had his, Voldemort stepped towards Dorcas. His thinking seemed to be done. He used a charm to wake her up.

„Dorcas Meadows, I am going to ask you for the last time. Who is member of the Order of the Phoenix?"

„Me!"

„You? And?"

„Me! Dorcas!" Dorcas continued to scream her name, laughing crazy.

„My Lord, she seems to be out of her senses." A Death Eater with a soft voice said.

Voldemort bent over her.

"Well, worthless mudblood. I know you are in the Order, but you refuse to help me. I hope you enjoyed your last hour. _Avada Kedavra_."

Green light hit Dorcas and she wasn't anymore.

"No!" I screamed out loud.

"Miss Burke, you will be my guest until I have decided how you will die." He bowed and left the room.

My body was shaking. A lot of Death Eaters left the room now. My guard dragged me to my feet once more. My heart hammered in my chest, my mind started working again. I had to get out of here!

I saw the wand of my guard poking out of his trousers. Didn't he learn to never ever keep it there? Though my hands were still cuffed, I would be able to snitch it. Eight other Death Eaters were still in the room.

I remembered a sentence Steven Krum had said ages ago: If you have to fight against a superior number, always go for the strongest one first. It was a desperate plan, but I was in a desperate situation.

I quickly grabbed the wand, kicking my guard as hard in the womb as I could. He made a sound like a balloon loosing its air. I opened the cords tying me and swirled around. I had to get out of here. I made a shield charm around myself quickly, it was weak, but it had to last.

The Death Eaters had drawn their wands, approaching me. I fought like I had never done before. Desperation gave me additional power. I jumped, ducked, shot spell after spell in all directions, backtracking to the door, Voldemort did not disappear through. I had no idea where this door would lead me, but it was all I had.

I felt like back in school when I had to face Sash Zlanikov in a duel- lesson. He was taller, bigger and better, yet I miraculously managed to beat him. But I definitely didn't want to risk a trial of strength with Voldemort.

The door behind me flew open. Two Death Eaters ran towards me.

I levitated one of his fellows and send him flying into the two newcomers. All three smashed on the floor. I jumped behind them.

The door was no good. A window! _Protego_! I crashed through the window onto a lawn.

I heard them screaming and running. I tried to apparate, but it didn't work. No! I started running. I felt the first curses flashing around me. I couldn't win a fight against hundreds of them! An old trick dawned in my head. I slashed my wand in a whip-like move behind me, slashing their faces. I heard them screaming. Yes, this was a good one, but not effective enough. I reached the gate, but it didn't open. I had to get out of here. Nothing else mattered. The hedge was thick and high, but now it was escape or death. I jumped into the hedge, grabbing branches, squeezing me through them. I felt that the hedge started to tighten, it was going to strangle me. I ripped myself out it literally and fell onto the ground on the other side. I couldn't breathe at first, I had smashed on my back. Meanwhile, the Death Eaters came running towards me again, they had no problems with opening the gate. One of them was close to me. I apparated and yes! it worked.

I crashed onto a meadow near Edinburgh. I had loved playing here as a little girl. I felt something crashing next to me. Merlin, it was Death Eater! He must have grabbed my cloak. I jumped to my feed, he started to fight me, but he was feeble. Suddenly, I saw him touching a black mark on his left arm. It looked like a tattoo, a skull with a snake. He touched it and it glowed red. The swooshing sound in the air gave me an idea, what this mark was able to do. I disapparated. Now I stood in front of an old welsh castle I knew from a book. Nobody appeared this time.

I changed my place for a few times more, but I had no idea where to go. Godric's Hallow came to my mind. It was well protected and I hoped I would manage to get in there. I was afraid for the Lily and Harry, but there was no other place to go for me right now. I apparated into the wood near the Potter's mansion.


	13. Awakening

**Chapter 13**

**-Awakening-**

I looked like a monster. Beside my torn and bloody robes, I was covered in mud. I had to laugh about myself. How could I think about this now?

One of the enchantments of the Potters house was that it recognized welcomed visitors. It was no problem for me to enter the ground.

Wistful, I had to think about the last time I had been here, it had been Harry's first birthday. Now the garden appeared cold and gloomy to me though everything was in full bloom. My brain simply refused to accept what it had just witnessed.

The house was completely illuminated, though the curtains were closed. Approaching the living-room window I heard distant voices of a lot of people. I peeked through the curtain, I was able to see the outlines of people due to the light. James and Remus sat on the couch, their faces contorted in pent-up tension. Sirius sat on the floor in front of James, his back leaning against the couch, his face buried in his lap. My heart filled with warmth at the sight of him. But I would have never even thought that something might have happened to him. He knew his business. At least, he knew it better than any of them. Dumbledore stood in the middle of the room, he was talking to Moody, Peter, three men and a woman, I didn't know. Hello, Order of the Phoenix, I thought sarcastically. So finally we meet.

I teetered to the kitchen door and not wanting to break another window, I knocked. After a few seconds James appeared, his wand at the ready. One of the men I didn't know was on his heels. James looked at me like I was a ghost. I started to fidget. Just let me in! James opened the door, his mouth wide open, too.

"Hello." I really had no idea of anything else to say.

James started screaming: "Padfoot! Padfoot!"

The strange man gave me a glass of water I drowned. I didn't realize that I had been so thirsty. The scratches of the branches suddenly started burning fiercely, I felt every bone in my body ache.

Sirius flew around the corner in the kitchen and his face became the same expression James' still had.

My knees were shaking; I had the feeling I would be collapsing any second. Sirius had recovered and with a scream he grabbed me and drew me into his arms.

I saw that he had been crying, something I never saw before. As I felt the warmth from his body flooding mine, my knees gave way and I started crying horribly.

Sirius just picked me up, carried me to the living-room and laid me on the couch. He covered me with his cloak and sank on the floor next to me, one of his hands holding mine, the other stroking my hair, murmuring words I couldn't understand.

Dumbledore instantly bend down to me, x-raying me with his gaze.

"What has happened to you?"

I shook my head no.

"What happened to you, Miss Burke? Where is Dorcas?" His voice was stern.

I cried harder than ever, images started to return.

"Albus, leave her alone!" Sirius snarled, turning towards him.

The old men simply looked at him. James gave me a Firewhisky. Now this was exactly what I needed! I drowned it and took a second one. Sirius and Dumbledore were still glaring at each other relentlessly. I took a third glass. Now I felt calmer.

"She is dead." Both their heads turned to me. Faltering I told them everything that had happened to me that night. I always had to interrupt myself, because the memories were too horrible.

* * *

„So what do you think, Albus?" Moody asked later when he and Dumbledore were alone in the kitchen together.

„Dorcas didn't betray us. She was a brave woman."

„I was referring to Sadra."

„I don't know."

"Not many escaped the Headquarter of Voldemort to tell the tale."

"Lily and James nearly did, too."

"How about the leak in the Order?"

"She doesn't know about the Order."

"Are you sure? Sirius is too much of a spitfire for my taste. He could have told her things."

"I know. But these marks she told us about. That's how they communicate. Don't you think that this information would be too much of a giveaway for a spy?"

Moody shrugged. "And how did he know about Dorcas' membership at all?"

"That must be due to our leak. Though I wonder why doesn't already know the rest of us. Obviously we are sold out one at a time. But I don't believe it is Sirius. I will go to Hogwarts now. I will fetch my Pensive and collect Sadra's memories of tonight before she will be able to manipulate them, just in case."

* * *

I woke with a start. It was dark, it had to be night again. Sirius, who was sleeping next to my couch on the floor, woke up immediately and took my hand.

"Sirius, why didn't you tell me about the Order?"

He didn't answer.

"Why?" I pushed.

"I was not allowed to. We had to make sure that you are trustworthy."

"You didn't trust me? After all?" My voice sounded shrill in my ears.

"I am not the only member of the Order."

"You should have told me." I repeated.

"I wanted to tell you, but Dumbledore refused to give me permission. We can't tell everyone about it. Voldemort is hunting us. We don't even know which Aurors we can still trust."

"Am I really everyone?" I asked ignoring the rest of the sentence.

"No, you are not. But remember when I met you? You were always surrounded by some Death Eaters. Do remember what I told you back then? You could have been a spy for them."

"Me? What kind of spy would I have been? Being your girl for nearly two years, hoping that one day you might tell me something that could interest the Death Eaters?" I couldn't believe my ears.

"You are well aware that other people did even worse things."

I shook my head.

"I don't believe that you didn't trust me the whole time."

He crawled on the couch to me, pulling me close.

"I did trust you. I wanted to tell you, but Dumbledore…"

"Does he make your decisions lately?" I snapped.

"Sadra, without him the whole fight would be useless. He is the only one Voldemort fears. I respect his decisions, even if don't like them. It wouldn't work any other way."

I remained silent. I felt betrayed, even if I heard the truth behind his words. Yes, this was what he had talked about when wanted me to go back home. Should have gone. If I had known this! I would have left! Now leaving wouldn't be possible anymore.

He embraced me, whispering:

"I love you. Please understand me."

I shook him off. "Leave me alone."

* * *

Dumbledore woke me up as the sky turned from black to grey. I saw the outline of Sirius' in front of the window. He was tense. But why? My head was spinning. Dumbledore was talking to me, half of his words didn't reach my mind. But I gave my memories more than willingly to him, I felt released. Still everything seemed to be unreal. I laid back on the couch, my head aching, all the noises around me sounded like I was underwater.

The men crowded around the Pensieve and dived into my memories two at a time. If I hadn't been too dizzy to think at all, I would have laughed, because it looked so funny to see all the men diving into the stone basin and coming out ghostly white. For Sirius it was worst. He had to endure all the accusations Voldemort had made and had to witness my humiliation- lying naked on the floor in front of thirty or more men.

Dumbledore nodded gravely. For tempering with the memories there had been no time. He turned to Sirius.

"Well, what do you have to say?"

He shook his head. "None of this is true."

"How did he know about the baby you want?" I asked puffed. This was so embarrassing.

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. I…I love you, I mean…I wanted to have a baby….with you for love's sake, to…come on, you know how I feel about this!"

The others looked at him.

Dumbledore jumped to his aid. "We all know that Voldemort is a very accomplished Legilimes. No accusations. We need to talk about this. But I want to discuss this with Moody, first. Alastor- a word, please."

He shot a side-glance towards Moody, who nodded.

Both of them left for the kitchen, Sirius started to pace the room. He was furious, muttering things under his breath. The other members of the Order left the room one by one because of his unnerving behavior until only Sirius and me were left.

I wanted to sleep, but Sirius kept pacing the room.

"I have to kill him. Merlin, he is going to pay for this."

"Sirius, please. I have to sleep." I moaned, my head was aching now like it never did before.

He sat next to me, trying to enclose me in his arms, bit I couldn't stand being touched.

"Leave me alone, please. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need rest."

He swirled around. "You believe this, don't you? You believe I am a Death Eater! You believe I slept with Dorcas and you believe I need you for pure-blood breeding!"

"No, no, none." I groaned.

"Why did you ask this question then? Hell, I love you! I didn't even think of touching other women since I know you, look what I put you through! Would a Death Eater do this to his heir's mother?!" He was beside himself, I think he was highly charged, too.

"Sirius, please." I started crying again. I hated myself for being this weak, I didn't want to do this all the time. But my nerves were on the edge.

He put his head against a cool window. His knuckles went white from gripping the windowsill.

"Oh, I can't." He turned and left the room. I had no idea where he went to when I heard the door slamming, but I couldn't care. I took sleeping potion and slept for two and a half days.


	14. Recommencement

AN: Still less reviews than chapters. So many people put my story on their 'story alert list', but somehow you guys just don't review. I wish, I knew why. Every time I see a new review, I am really excited and very glad. Reviews keep me writing. So keep reviewing (thanks amrawo, crisblackmalfoy, Curiositykils, sand's gal and zen-chic-78) or start reviewing, please! 

**Chapter 14**

**- Recommencement-**

After I woke up, I heard that Sirius still hadn't returned. James was very concerned. I couldn't really care about Sirius. My head was still spinning. I didn't know what to think anymore. I didn't believe that he was a Death Eater, but I was furious he had kept me in the dark. Stupid Dumbledore and his stupid Order! I was torn between love and hate and the desire to sleep for the rest of my life. 

Sirius, it turned out a day later, had met Fenwick and Longbottom to create a plan of battle, but since they had no idea where Voldemort was hiding, it had been fruitless. Nevertheless, this occupation had cooled Sirius down a little. Three days after my abduction James talked him into returning to Godric's Hallow to give it a break. 

When he came back he was in nearly the same state I had been three days ago. He hadn't slept at all. When he looked at me, there was something strange in his gaze. It was rejection. He crossed his arms and told me in a cool voice: 

"Listen, I sorted a few things out. I will never ask you to be my child's mother again. But I don't know if I want to have a relationship with you anymore. I thought you loved me and I never dreamed that Voldemort would be able to step between us like this. But he did. I can see the doubt in your eyes every time you look at me. I never dreamed that on day the suspicion would be this way round. You- accusing me to be a spy…" He laughed bitterly.

"You kept your Order a secret all the time. Does it really surprise you that I am not sure whether to trust you or not?" I was angry.

"Merlin, this is what Dumbledore was talking about. Can't you understand my position in this case? I would have told you anything. But I am one of many and if I would have been mistaken it might have endangered all of them. That's why we decide together."

"But…" I found no words to express my feelings. I knew that there are certain rules to obey. I knew that the decision to tell me about the Order had not been in Sirius' hands. I could even accept that. But I wanted him to suffer the same way I had to. He had to feel bad for what happened to me! He had to feel worse than me, because I had been through all of this because of him! He wasn't allowed to be right after all. A simple 'sorry' wouldn't be enough. 

And how did Voldemort know about the baby? And why did Sirius choose me of all women? And who was the spy? I wanted answers. 

"Well, do 'they' think I am trustworthy now?" I spat. I wanted to hurt him.

"I think so."

Desperation, frustration, agony- 'I think so.'

"Fine. Now that you trust me I can finally go back to my beloved Death Eaters and sell the whole Order out. Then you will have your fucking spy and traitor. Since you are not able to spot him!" My voice was scathingly. 

"This is nothing to make fun of!" His voice became louder.

"Oh sorry, your holy Order! How could I forget!" I gave him a glance containing all my despite for the Order. 

"Sadra, you knew what you were dealing with. Merlin, you just witnessed what this is all about! I told you from the beginning that there are things I am fighting for- and dying for if necessary. You cannot act like a child excluded from a game! I thought you'd understood. Obviously you didn't."

"No, obviously not. I am just a stupid witch good for nothing! Well, if that's how things are between us, I might as well leave." My voice was deadly calm now. I had pissed him of. Satisfaction ran through my veins.

"You might." 

Without as much as looking to me for a second time, he went into one of the guest-rooms and right off to sleep.

What? I couldn't believe what I had just heard. He was dumping me because I was angry at him? For him betraying me all the time? For me doubting his loyalty after all of this? 

I jumped to my feet and started to toss things intoa bag, blind with tears. That was enough! How dared he to treat me like this? After all I have been through? He had been right all along- it _was_ all his fault!

I left Godric's Hallow without saying goodbye to no one except Harry and Lily. Lily tried to soothe me and to persuade me to stay, but I wasn't even listening to her.

In my flat I found a letter from the all-knowing Dumbledore.

_"Dear Sadra,_

_I can only imagine how you must feel right now. I want you to know that we do not think that Sirius is a spy for the Death Eaters. We assume that Voldemort's accusations were made up to lure you in a trap. We know his modus operandi and are sure that he made everything up. _

_Don't blame Sirius for his silence. You have to blame me. I forced him not to talk to you. He loves you and is suffering, no matter what has happened. I allowed myself to secure your flat. We believe it is the best for you to stay there for at least two months. Voldemort is now thankfully convinced that you know nothing about the Order. We hope he will not be hunting you, but since you escaped him, he might do so. So stay put. I will make your excuses at Gringott's. _

_Yours, Albus Dumbledore"_

I threw myself on my bed and cried hard. Nice. All alone in my flat, dumped by my love, maybe hunted by the most dangerous wizard of all times- but hey: an old man wrote me a letter, telling me not to worry. Great. Just great. 

* * *

After two weeks I still hadn't heard from Sirius. I didn't think of contacting him. He was the one who made a mistake, not me. I was sooooo very mad at him. First, he lied to me all the time and then he was pissed because I didn't trust him after finding out that he had been feeding me lies all the time. He couldn't be serious. 

James, Lily, Remus, Peter, Moody, Dumbledore, they all sent me owls all day, every day, visiting me, trying to see how my condition was. They were also trying to persuade me to see Sirius, to talk to him.

"He misses you so badly." "You have been acting like an asshole." "Imagine how he must feel." Yackety-yak. I simply refused. He told me that I might leave because he wasn't sure if I was worth it! Hello? It was a slap in the face. It was without equal. 

Yet I never felt so alone in my life. On the sly I was waiting for Sirius. I didn't want people to come here. I wanted him to come here to me or drop me a line. I wanted to see his eyes. But did I really want to? He had been concealing the Order all the time. Would I have done the same? I had seen how Dorcas had died. With her mouth closed. Would I have been able to do this?

Dumbledore talked to me about the Order, since I knew about it anyway. He wasn't really offering me a membership, because he thought I would be safer if Voldemort would assume I didn't know anything. His explanation was fine. I didn't want to join them anyway. This was not my war. It had never been. I would keep my mouth shut, but I wasn't intending to get involved any deeper if possible. I had definitely seen enough of this. 

But still I was desperate. And I was still in love with Sirius. The idea of him being a Death Eater appeared to be ridiculous once more. But was he still in love with me? Would he ever come to me? 

* * *

He came for me that very night. I don't know how he had managed to penetrate all the spells Dumbledore secured my flat with. He just stood there in front of me suddenly and looked at me with questioning, grey eyes. My first impulse was to yell at him, blame him for everything, hate him for letting me wait here all the time. Instead I turned my back to him. My mind was blank. 

Then his hand grabbed my upper arm. Sirius turned me to face him. Who did he think he was? Though my mind was empty- one thing was for sure: I was furious, so I just lunged out with my other hand, wanting to slap him. He was far too quick for me, he caught my arm in mid-air, his expression softening. 

Of what happened then I only have inaccurate memories. I heard fabric ripping, felt him pushing me to the floor, fucking me, I heard my moans, I felt like suffocating for I could not get enough oxygen through the feeling he gave me. My orgasm was so strong, it really did hurt. But I was relieved of an unbearable tension. He slowed down, kissing me with so much passion I was ready to continue immediately. The second orgasm entirely relaxed me. He picked me up, positioned himself on the couch with me on top of him, throwing a blanket over our bodies. He was in me, but didn't move at all. It took only a few seconds and we both fell asleep in this position without saying a word. 

I woke up hours later because I felt his heat increasing inside of me. Sirius woke up, too and we did it once more, half sleeping and dreamy. It felt gorgeous. "I love you and I will not live without you" were the only words he said to me this day. Then he took me in his arms and we slept again. 

When I woke the next morning he was already gone. But on my blanket there was a white rose, cool from the autumn's breeze outside. I was sure, he was working. James had told me that Sirius wanted to capture Voldemort to make him pay for all he did to me. There was no sign in my flat that he had even been here. Maybe I had dreamed the last night? No, I could still smell his after shave. Merlin, I loved him. I couldn't help it. I had to understand him, forgive him, to do whatever was necessary to keep him. I was in too deep to back out anyway. I went into my bathroom and took a long hot shower. As I picked up my contraceptive potion bottle, I suddenly knew what he had meant month and month ago. What he had felt when he said, that he wanted to leave something in this world. Something only he and I could create. I poured the potion away. 

* * *

The following night was quite cold for a night in September. I lay cuddled under my blankets when I heard him entering my flat. I sat up when he stood next to my bed.

He sat down in front of my bed, his right hand cupping my chin. 

"There is only one thing I need to know: Do you still love me?" He was whispering.

"More than ever." I considered telling him about the potion, but I decided against it. I don't even know why. 

I undid his shirt, kissing his soft skin underneath tenderly. 

"Merlin, I missed you more than I can tell." He moaned, slipping under my blankets. 

Sirius turned me to spoon style, moaning, kneading my breasts and my butt gently. His breath in my ear made me come very fast. He relaxed a little, waiting for me to recover. He gently positioned my leg behind his butt and his fingers found their way to my secret spot, working it just the way I loved it. He whispered in my ear: "I love you like crazy. I will never hurt you nor will I ever allow anyone else to hurt you again."

I had done the right thing. How could I not love this man? How could I ever think he was unfaithful or betraying? He was all the man. 

"Just get on with it." I begged, I could hear his smile when he started moving faster and harder. 

* * *

The following weeks appeared to be a dream. Sirius' and my relationship was perfect. He told me everything I needed to know about the Order, we had talked about the things Voldemort had said. I was sure that Sirius was trustworthy. The love I had for him was stronger than anything else I had experienced so far. 

It was the end of October. I sat on my table, my calendar in front of me and tried to focus on counting. I was nervous, because I was already pretty sure that I was with child. I was past due quite a time. 

Suddenly Sirius rushed into my flat. I jumped for I had expected him to be at work. Hastily, I pushed my calendar into my bag.

Sirius was excited, his fingers ran through his thick, jet-blackhair. 

"Dammit baby, Dumbledore just told us that he has received information that Voldemort is going to hunt James and Lily down! Tonight we will perform the _Fidelius Charm_ over their house. The usual protection will not be sufficient anymore. I will be their Secret Keeper. But I will have to go into hiding then. Things are getting too tight with me walking around here. Voldemort will guess -or worse know- who is the Keeper!" 

My head spun. "What? What? What? Slower."

"Don't worry, baby. It's okay." He laughed.

"Why? How does Dumbledore know?" Why on earth does he want to hunt Lily and James?

"I have no idea."

"What's _fidelius_? The charm making people unlocatable for their whereabouts are concealed in one single living soul?"

"Exactly. The so called Secret Keeper. Which is going to be me."

"Secret Keeper? You?" 

"Who else? James insists on taking me though Dumbledore has offered himself. But Voldemort will guess anyway that it's either me or Dumbledore." He looked at me, raising an eyebrow. "Listen, we talked about going into hiding quite a few times. I think it is safer for you to come with me. I was thinking about a nice place in Scotland."

"I have to go back to work!" I responded completely irritated. 

He laughed. "No, it's okay. I want you to be with me. We can live from my money. In safety."

"But I like working." I didn't study to become a princess. 

"We will find an occupation for you. Don't worry, Shorty. I have to make a run now. I shouldn't even have been here." He laughed, kissed me rapturously and literally flew out of my flat again. 

What had this been? First of all, I picked up an old school book and checked it for the _Fidelius Charm._ It sounded pretty good to me. At least, the Potters would be entirely safe. But why wants Voldemort to hunt down James and Lily? Why not…let's say Dumbledore? I sighed and sat on my couch. I was worried. We would be going into hiding. The idea didn't really scare me. We had talked a lot about this. Matter of fact, the idea of being an outcast with my man gave me a kick. Obviously he felt the same, otherwise he wouldn't have been so excited. At least, we would spend some time together. But would it be possible to take care of a child when you are on the run? We should do this _Fidelius-_ thing, too. And I should make sure whether or not I was pregnant first. 


	15. Ends

**Chapter 15**

**- End****s-**

I stood in front of my mirror two days later, stroking my flat belly. I was pregnant. I would have a girl. Sirius' daughter. I felt tears dwelling in my eyes. How would she look like? How would she be? Would she inherit his temper? What would my mother say? I had to think about so many things. What about Voldemort? Would he harm her? Sirius would protect her. I would be there for her. I just knew I received her the very night Sirius and I had made up and I decided to pour away the potion. My heart felt so full of love.

I smiled at my reflection. It took just a little test to change from the all-eyes-on-me-party-queen to a caring mother. I felt completely different. Entirely happy, totally relaxed, complete. 

I picked up the letter Sirius just owled to me once again.

"_Baby,_

_I am very busy right now, preparing our disappearance. I think I cannot make it before Halloween, even if it breaks my heart. But soon we will have very much time together. So maybe it's better if you enjoy your freedom now, before I will be holding you tight night and day. I will fight, kill and die for you._

_All my love, S._"

I laughed. Soon there would be another woman in his life to take care of. So, be it. I will tell him on Halloween. I was used to the fact the he didn't have time for me a few days in a row. 

* * *

Halloween I looked my very best. I was dressed in black, my diamonds sparkling and my hair in wide curls, the way Sirius liked it most. I had a fondue prepared and was waiting for him. He had said he would be there at eight. But he wasn't coming. I became more and more angry. The clock on my wall was ticking derisively. Tick- he will not be coming, tock- he will not be coming. 

Coming at eight- not being there at eleven. Frustrated I cleared the table and slumped on my couch. He could at least have owled. I knew there was no sense in me owling him. If it was something related to his work, he wouldn't answer anyway. And what else should it be? Surely he would be attending some kind of spontaneous raid. Moody took quite a liking to this. I would have loved to drink wine, but I had to think about my daughter. Midnight, he still wasn't there. It must have been one o'clock when I finally fell asleep on my couch. 

At six o'clock in the morning I woke up, because I heard screaming. It came from my fireplace.

"Sadra! Sadra! Wake up! It is unbelievable!" It was Clot. 

"What's up?" I nearly sprang to my fireplace. Was something wrong with Sirius?

"He is dead!"

"Who?" I panicked. 

"He-who-must-not-be-named! Harry Potter killed him!"

"What?" I laughed. It was the first of November, Clot was a bit late for her April Fools' jokes. Or a bit early.

"He is little older than a year. How is he supposed to kill someone?" I chuckled.

"Nobody knows! O Sadra! The Potters are dead!"

"What? First, you tell me Harry is a killer, now the Potters are dead? Did you take some of the pills from the medical cabinet?"

"Sadra! Listen! He-who-must-not-be-named came to Godric's Hallow this night! He killed Lily and James and when he tried to kill Harry, the curse kind of backfired and killed him!"

"That's impossible." My knees were weak. Is that why Sirius never came last night? James and Lily dead?

"Dumbledore just brought their bodies to St. Mungo's. You know I have night shift this week. I am so sorry, Sadra. But isn't it great? The darkest wizard of all times is finished!"

"Did you see Sirius?"

"No, I didn't. Though a hell lot of people are searching for him." Her voice was cold all of a sudden.

"What? Why?"

"Sadra, word is in the streets that Sirius betrayed Potters. Sold them out to the Death Eaters. They say that he is one himself. An Auror told me that he is the right hand of Vol…him."

"Sirius? Never!" I exclaimed. 

"That is what people say." Clot's face wore a stern expression. 

"You don't believe this shit, do you?"

"I don't know. He was always the secretive type, hm? Didn't you complain?"

"Clot, where is he?"

"If I knew, I would have told the Auror. He was a fine..."

I heard knocking on my door. "Clot, there is someone." All of a sudden I was shivering. Who on earth was knocking? Where was Sirius?

"Maybe it's him. You better tell him to run for it." With a pop she vanished. 

I walked over to my door with shaking legs and in a bad need for vomiting. When I opened the door I was facing Moody, accompanied by two other Aurors. I was relieved. 

"Moody!"

"Is Sirius here?"

"No, Moody- there is…"

"Miss Burke, I have a warrant here. Please get dressed properly and follow us."

"What? That's a joke!"

"You are accused of conspiracy. Sirius Black is a Death Eater. You might have some useful information for us."

"What? No!" I retorted hotly. 

"Get dressed and follow us. Otherwise we are entitled to use force. Bones, Harris search the flat for him."

The men pushed past me and started to wreak havoc in my flat. Tears streamed down my face, but I didn't even recognize that I was crying. 

"Moody…"

"Please, just get dressed. I am as shocked as you are." Moody whispered. His face was grave.

* * *

I was sitting in a bureau in the ministry. They had asked me hundreds of crazy questions. With whom did Sirius meet? To whom did he talk? Did I ever see him doing suspicious things? I knew nothing. I didn't even know what they were talking about. My mind was blank and finally the Aurors decided to give me a break.

Now I was all alone in the bureau. My body just didn't stop shaking anymore. Sirius. Where are you? The thought of my baby burned like fire in my mind. 

I looked at my cup of tea gloomily. I hate tea. Moody told me that Voldemort had known where the Potters were hidden. The Secret Keeper betrayed them. Sirius. He was the Secret Keeper. Didn't he tell me so? Sirius sold them to Voldemort. James and Lily and Harry? This could not be the truth. It was simply impossible. There had to be a mistake. For Merlin's sake- Sirius loved James, Harry and Lily. 

Another Auror started to interrogate me. The same questions all over again. No answers whatsoever. 

It must have been around noon when the uproar started. They had captured him. I felt it. They captured the father of my child. My man. 

If I would have gotten up, gone to the window- I knew, I would have been able to see him. But my legs weren't working. He would tell them that there was a mistake. Maybe a Death Eater used _Polyjuice Potion_ or something? Maybe they put Sirius under the _Imperius_? I knew I was befooling myself. _Polyjuice_ doesn't give you the knowledge of the person you are impersonating. And I've read that neither _Imperius_ nor _Veritaserum_ work with _Fidelius_. The Secret Keeper has to tell the whereabouts of the person he is hiding calculatedly and voluntarily. The strange Auror stepped to the window. He looked out of the window, then turning to me, staring at me, not saying a single word.

It felt like ages of silence until Moody appeared. He was white as a ghost. His eyes were searching mine. But I already knew what was coming.

"They have him." 

I nodded and waited for the horrible words I was sure he was going to say. Never I saw a face more white and overexerted like his before.

"He killed Peter Pettigrew and twelve Muggles."

"No." I breathed.

"Little Peter. Surely couldn't stand a chance against my boy wonder." He laughed.

Moody had always been very fond of Sirius and his abilities. His boy wonder. Never in a million years I would have bet that I would meet Moody's strange humor again in a situation like this. He sat down and looked at me.

"Seems like he fooled the two of us, hm?"

I stared at him. My mind was numb. Surely I would be waking up any second now. But I didn't. I never did. 

"Where is he?" My voice was rasp. 

"In a dungeon in the cellar. Crouch wants to send him to Askaban immediately."

"You think I can see him?" He needed to know about the baby. If he only knew. Everything would be okay again.

"No." 

I nodded. What did I expect? 

"What happened?"

"I am not allowed to tell you. You are still a suspect."

"Suspect? Of what!" I snapped.

"Sadra, it seems like our dear Sirius hasn't only been a simple Death Eater, but the right hand of Voldemort. You have been his girlfriend for two years and shortly after you find out about the Order, Sirius goes and kills his best friends. Change of plans you made?"

I shook my head. I couldn't believe my ears. 

"Do you remember what happened in this Headquarter? Do you think we made this up? Like a little amateur theatre?" My voice cracked. 

"You know what? I wouldn't be surprised at all! Not after today!"

"May I go?" This was too much for me. 

"No." He eyed me warily. 

But I just sank back in my chair. "Tell me what you want from me."

"Tell me: did you know it?"

"Know what?"

"That he is a Death Eater!"

"Merlin- no! He isn't. You know him. Come on!" I had jumped to my feet, clenching my fist so hard my nails bore into my flesh. 

Moody watched me frowning. 

"Would you agree to an interrogation with _Veritaserum_?"

"That's illegal."

"Dear, dear. Do I look like I give a damn? It makes it easier for all of us. Otherwise you have to stay here until your dear Sirius sings out." 

"You don't even have a doubt that he is guilty? You know him!"

"Yes. And I know that he was my best pupil ever. But he is also short-tempered and easily debauched to crazy stuff. You are a temptation and he would have gone any length for you."

"You are telling me that I lured him into being Voldemort's right hand?"

"Maybe."

I was breathing heavily. This was Moody. A man I had liked. I had respected. Now he was treating me like I wasthe Queen of theDeath Eaters myself. 

"Moody! You know Sirius! You know me! How on earth can you say stuff like this! Sirius would have died for the Order!"

"But you wouldn't have."

"All right, that's carzy talk. Just give me that fucking serum. I can't stand this!" I knew I was playing into Moody's hands, but I was surely not willing to listen to more of his accusations. 

"I think you can. Maybe he betrayed you like he betrayed all of us."

"I hope you do notneed me as a witness during the trial? You know your _Veritaserum_-Deal will fall through in front of any Court. "

"There will be no trial. There are crimes that are beyond secular jurisdiction. Killing his best friends along with twelve Muggles, for example." 

"Fine. I hate courtrooms anyway." I smiled. 

* * *

I left the building. Moody didn't even excuse for his behavior after I had passed his illegal test. But I didn't care. I felt completely unaffected. This was not my life. Period. This was some kind of wicked nightmare. 

So I went window shopping. They had such cute little outfits for my girl. And Harry would love this magic lion! I would have to ask Lily if that was a good Christmas present for him. 

Back home I drank coffee and flipped through a magazine when it knocked again. This must be Sirius. I got up and opened. It was Dumbledore. Another decripit lunatic.

"Sadra. How do you feel? Moody said you were acting kind of funny."

"Me?" I laughed. Why on earth people kept asking me how I feel? Why did they say I was acting funny? I didn't send Voldemort after my best friend and his family. I didn't impregnate a naïve, stupid, but – thank Merlin-pure-blooded blockhead. I didn't betray her or the stupid Order I concealed from her for years. I wasn't a Death Eater. It was not me. It was him. Did anybody ask him how he felt lately? 

I started laughing and was not able to stop it. Dumbledore took my arm and shook me. That made it even worse. I hiccoughed:

"You are asking me how I feel? Brilliant! Fucking good! I am having the time of my life!" My laughter became hysterical and finally I burst out in tears, my body started shaking incontrollable again. 

"I think you have a shock. I am going to take you to Hogwarts. You will be safe there." 


	16. Denouements

**Chapter 16**

**-Denouements-**

The next thing I remember is waking up on a fluffy couch in Dumbledores office. Though I had never been to his office before, I knew that this couch wasn't there on a regular basis. I felt oddly calm and relaxed. I was sure they had given me something. 

I heard murmuring and when I sat up a little, I saw Dumbledore and the back of a black-haired man. Sirius? My heart started beating wildly. 

The man spoke. No, it wasn't him. His voice was familiar though.

"I do not think that the Death Eaters are searching for her. You tracked down most of them by now anyway." The man just said. 

Dumbledore saw that I was awake, cutting the other man off with a sharp gesture. 

"Sadra, how are you? You have been asleep quite a time." 

The black man turned. I recognized it was this Snape-guy.

"What day is it? Where is Sirius?"

"He is in Askaban." 

"Still? Will he come back?" It was desperate question, but the only one that came to my mind. 

"Severus, could you leave us alone, please." Dumbledore sighed.

Snape nodded and gave me a court bow before he left. 

"Sadra, come here and sit down. You have had a shock."

"Will he ever come back?" I insisted.

"No. Never." 

I bit my lip and looked at Dumbledore appealingly. 

"So it is true? He was a Death Eater all the time? Voldemort was telling the truth?"

"I am afraid so." Dumbledore looked unusually old. 

"Are you allowed to speak with him?" 

"No. No one is. But he isn't talking anyway. Crouch brought him to Askaban in person. There will be no trial. What he did is confession enough for Crouch."

"What are you referring to? To James and Lily? To Peter?" My hand glided absent-minded over my stomach to the place where his daughter lay.

"Do you really want to hear the details?"

"The sooner, the better."

"Well, it was little Peter Pettigrew who found Sirius first, though a squad of Aurors was looking for him. The surviving Muggle witnesses told us that Peter cornered Sirius and he asked him how he could have done this to James and Lily. Sirius didn't even contradict. He just killed Peter with a curse so mighty, it killed twelve surrounding Muggles. A curse only a few people mastered. Sirius is among them. I have been told that he has used it in the past. When you were abducted, for example. When he was captured he started laughing like a madman. The Aurors told me it was creepy. He didn't say a word for his defense or anything. Matter of fact he didn't say anything since." 

"He did not even ask for me?"

"Nothing. He said nothing. Not a single word." 

I shrugged. "Well, case closed, I guess."

"Sadra, you don't have to pretend strength. I know how you must feel."

"Nobody can. You know shit. I don't want to tell you all over again what he did to me! You know it. You have been there. What he put me through!" My voice was bitter.

"But still you loved him."

"But he didn't love me. Period." 

"He loved you."

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"I have never seen a man more in love, except for….Anyways, he loved you."

"And what good will his love do me? He lied to me all the time. I can't believe that he was with the Death Eaters all the time. And I was unaware of this all the time. "

"But he loved you. Sometimes the world is not all black and white."

"Very funny. I guess mine will be black for quite a time now. And I will never find out what his true feelings were, because thankfully he is in Askaban for killing thirteen people, betraying Lily and James and being a Death Eater." I got heated. "I don't give a flying fuck if such a person loved me. Maybe it was him who raped Dorcas!"

"He was with us." 

"Gosh, than he raped another woman or killed her or whatsoever!"

Dumbledore was x-raying me again. I heaved my shoulders. 

Dumbledore just told me that he thought Sirius really loved me. But what did that count? Did it help me? No. But seriously- Sirius- a Death Eater? No way. My mind started playing pinball again. 

"Merlin, this can't be the truth. There must be a horrible flaw in the whole affair." I sighed.

"I wish there would be. Where is the flaw? What do you think?"

"I have no answer whatsoever." I shook my head. It made no sense at all. 

"Sadra, please. If you have any idea…" 

"I am sure you already know what I told this deranged Moody under the influence of _Veritaserum_, don't you? I do not have the slightest idea."

"Sadra, is there any secret you know of him?"

"Me?" I laughed. "I would be the least of all persons to know his secrets, wouldn't I?"

"Sadra…"

"I don't want to talk about this any more. If he was something to say, he will do so."

"In Askaban there will be no one to hear him." The old man sounded sad.

"He had plenty of opportunity to talk, didn't he? If he chooses to laugh instead, so be it."

"Sadra…"

"No, that does it. How long did I sleep?"

Luckily, Dumbledore agreed to my change of topic.

"Don't worry. I had Madam Pomfrey looking for you in the Hospital wing for a few days, but since a few students fell ill tonight, I brought you to my office. I don't want the pupils to see you. I was afraid that Death Eaters might be searching for you."

"Why should they?" 

"To take revenge on you. Sirius sent their Master to meet his downfall." Bang- back on topic.

"Wouldn't that count on his behalf in Court?" I jested.

"No. Nobody could have foreseen what will happen."

"Where is Harry?" For the first time I asked myself this question. 

"He is with Lily's sister. She and her husband will raise him. They have a son around Harry's age." Dumbledore did not sound too enthusiastic. 

"Why not a wizard family? Lily wasn't exactly on good terms with her sister, you know?"

"Yes, I know, but I want him to grow up with Muggles. I am afraid that he is not safe in this world. There are still Death Eaters on the run."

"Really? Do you think they are still a danger?"

"Yes, they are. That's why I gave Harry to his aunt and that's why I am going to ask you to stay here for a few more weeks. We still do not have enough information about the role Sirius played."

I nodded. Where else should I have gone to anyways? Every other place would be holding too much sad memories. 

* * *

My body recovered fast. My soul never did, I think.

But the weeks in Hogwarts helped me to recover. I attended the funeral of Lily and James. They were buried next to each other on the little graveyard in Godric's Hallow. But I was running the gauntlet there. Everybody looked at me as if I had killed them myself. 

So I didn't attend the commemoration for Peter. But I visited most of the trials against Death Eaters. I tried collecting all the information I could get about these persons for I was hoping that one of them would have to say something about Sirius. But none of them did. He was still in Askaban and nobody had to say a word about him. Was that because he was such a top-secret- right-hand-man? Or so dangerous? Or just because he has never been there? 

Every night I was crying. The horrible images from Voldemort's Headquarter kept reappearing. How he told me what Sirius was up to. My imagination was so vivid, I could almost hear Sirius talking to Voldemort. Telling him about the plan to breed purebloods. In other nights I knew for sure that Sirius was innocent. I just knew that all his love must have been real. Nobody was able to fake that. Then again I remembered the so called "Romeos"- Russian agents that married women to spy on the women and their companies. Those guys even had a wife somewhere else while they had happy a family-life with kids and everything with their spy-on-wives. Could I have been so wrong about him? His smile, the look in his eyes, his tenderness? I was torturing myself beyond reason. 

Sirius didn't make my lot easier. He never asked for me. He still wasn't talking at all- at least not to my knowledge. Why didn't he defend himself if he was not guilty? What was he up to? 

I found no answer to my questions whatsoever. Meanwhile his child was growing inside of me. It was still not to be seen. I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy. I wanted to sort out a few things first and surely didn't want other people to mess with my decisions.

After all those sleepless nights I had begun to hate my baby. I wanted to get rid of it. I didn't want to have kids. It was all Sirius' idea. He wanted little purebloods for the dark army of his commander. Not me. 

But I had been so happy with the pregnancy. I had been thinking about names and dreaming about our future as a little happy family. He messed up. Or I did. 

I started drinking again. There was no sleep to be found until I was drunk. Drinking made me forget. Forget, that this child was not the result of the undying love between Sirius and me but a parasite that was living off of me. Either it was the result of his madness or my stupidity. I was disgusted, humiliated, embarrassed by myself. 

* * *

One of these nights when I was strolling the castle accompanied only by my bottle of Firewhisky, I ran straight into Snape. 

We had never talked so far. I saw him every now and then. I had heard that he had been a Death Eater but changed the sides long before Voldemort fell. I was curious about his story, but I didn't had the courage to talk to him, because I was afraid that he was one of those men who raped Dorcas. 

He looked at me. His expression was unfathomable.

"I hope that this bottle does not contain what the label says." 

"Well, why not?"

"Miss Burke, I know it."

"You know what?"

"You are pregnant."

"How do you know?" I was startled. 

"I have examined your blood to find out if you are all right."

"How nice. While I am unconscious a strange man fumbles with my blood and discovers what even the baby's father does not know." 

"Is it Black's child?"

"I am not even going to answer such a question." I was affronted. "Did you tell anyone?" 

"No. I did not. Neither am I intending to do so. But still you are not allowed to drink. You might harm the child."

"Don't you say?!" I mocked and wanted to go.

He grabbed my arm. 

"Listen, Miss Burke. I am surely not the president of the Sirius Black fan club, but you are harming an unborn child. It is not the baby's fault that you slept with the wrong man."

"I hate it!" I spat. My words resounding from the walls were horrible. "I want to get rid of it!" I had just started to get going and drunk as I was, I loved the drama of the situation. 

"You are drunk." He reached for my bottle.

"I am not."

"You belong to bed. I will take you there."

"I am an adult woman. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want."

"Did work out pretty feeble so far, hmm?" His voice was pure acid. 

"How dare you?" I roared, searching for my wand. Of course, I had left it in my room.

Snape looked at my search. His eyes were truly black. 

"Yes, now I can imagine why you and Black fell for each other. Now please follow me. Your tantrum is waking up the pupils."

I snatched my bottle from him and set off in the other direction. I didn't get very far. I was stopped by something that felt like a solid wall made from air. My bottle flew out of my hands into his outstretched one. 

"Miss Burke, I am responsible for the school tonight. If truly necessary you may harm yourself and your child in your room. But not here. And surely not with this bottle."

* * *

The encounter with Snape had scared me. He had been one of them. He had mad power, that much I had felt. And Dumbledore had vouched for him. I wanted to know why. He seemed to be truly evil. I could easily imagine him to be Voldemort's left hand. Maybe he knew about Sirius.

But first I had to get rid of my other problem. I was cautiously investigating where I would find someone to abort my child. I went to Madame Pomfrey and asked her if she knew anyone who was doing this (for a friend of mine, of course). She was shocked. 

"Miss Burke, this is dark magic, very dark magic. I know no one to do such a horrible thing."

My gosh, she was a prissy person. It was nearly Christmas. I had to act. Sirius was not going to have a trial, he would rot in Askaban. He didn't need this child anymore. He needed nothing. Neither did I. I was finished with love. I reached the conclusion that he had double-crossed me all the time. Sometimes I dreamed about his eyes, grey and full of love. Never he could have done this to me! When I woke up, I hated myself even more. Without rhyme or reason. If he didn't do it, why didn't he fight? I would simply refused to give birth to the child of this monster. Everyone would hate my baby for it was his. I wanted to spare my child- and myself. What kind of life was expecting the daughter of Sirius Black out there?

I contacted Clot. She was the only person left to trust. First, she was kind of shuttered. But after I told her everything I knew, she was reconciled. 

"A child? Now? What about Sirius?" Her hand was holding mine.

"I don't know. He will die in Askaban for all I know."

"But he wanted to have this baby?"

"Clot, I told you! I wanted to have it! He didn't even know what I was up to."

"All right. I will see what I can do."

She responded a few days later. 

"Sadra, no Healer will do this. You are too far along. There is only a potion that might help you to get rid of your problem now. But that's a dark peace of art."

"Dark?"

"Dark magic. No one will do this here. I think nobody would even be able to."

I sighed. "Thanks, Clot."

* * *

So, it seemed like I had to get in touch with Snape. He was the only person I knew who had worked with dark magic. I just went to his office and knocked.

"Enter." His calm voice answered.

"Hello." I felt tiny between the towering racks filled with objects in multi-colored potions.

"Miss Burke? To what do I owe this pleasure?" 

"I have a request. It is delicate, because it is not exactly legal as I've heard. But I am sure that you are able to do it."

"I guess I know your request." His gaze lingered on me. I knew, he knew.

"Tomorrow evening. Here." He dismissed me without another word. He was strange, but he was emitting indescribable power. 

What was wrong with him? The illegality didn't seem to be the problem after all.

I asked Dumbledore later that evening why Snape was skulking and sulking all the time.

"I didn't even saw him smile once."

"Let's say- he has lost nearly as much as you." The old man retorted before he took a second helping of pudding. 

* * *

The next evening I went to Snape's office. I wore black like him. My diamonds glistened in the candle light. I didn't know why I dressed up like this. 

"The potion is over there." His voice came from behind me. I jumped.

He looked good in the light. He was not as tall as Sirius and far from being brawny, but he looked mysterious with his glittering black eyes. Again I felt his presence like I was very close to him even though he was a few feet away. The same second I felt guilty. How could I think like this when…well, when what? Sirius was gone for good? 

I stepped to take a look at the potion. It was deep crimson. I shuddered.

"You might feel drowsy or sick after taking it." His voice was soft for his standard.

"May I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Go ahead." He sounded irritated. 

"Did you ever see Sirius in a meeting of Death Eaters?"

Snape looked me dead in the eye. 

"You want to have a pleasant chat with me about the man whose child we are about to kill?"

"This is not a "we"-thing."

"I am afraid it is. Providing this potion makes me your accomplice."

"Are you going to answer my question?"

He sighed annoyed and crossed his arms. "No, I didn't. I never saw him there, I never heard of him and never knew he was one of us. However- there are a few people most of us didn't know. No one except the Dark Lord knew all of us." His tone was matter-of-fact.

"Thank you."

"May I ask a question in return?"

"Sure."

"What has he done to you? How was he able to bring you in this situation?"

"He didn't need to do anything. I loved him. That was enough."

Snape slowly nodded. "May I ask you another question?"

I laughed. "Okay, if I get another one, too."

He shrugged. "Is it really true that he doesn't even know about your condition?"

"Yes."

"So what will your second question be?" He continued without commenting. 

"Have you been there?" I stared at the dungeon floor. It felt such a childish thing to ask, but somehow I wasn't able to restrain myself from this question. He knew again what I was talking about.

"Yes." His straight answer stole my thunder. 

"Did you…?" 

"No. I am not a rapist." 

"But you saw me there?" 

"Indeed, I did. And I liked what I saw." He sneered. Was this my imagination or was his gaze lingering on my breasts?

"Your dueling abilities are outstanding." Not everyone is as bad as you think, I thought. 

"Thank you." I felt stupid. "Was it always like that?"

"Often."

"Why did you join them?"

"That's another story."

"Why did you double-cross them?"

"For love." I was surprised by his honesty. 

Quickly I scanned the women on "our" side. Dorcas? Marlene McKinnon? Couldn't be referring to Dorcas, could he? Would he have let this happen? I couldn't imagine. 

He looked down at me, casually leaning against his desk. Did he just shook his head slightly? 

"Who broke your h…?"

"No." He cut across me. 

"Did it work out?"

"No." This time his voice was bitter.

"What would you have told your love if she would have been a Death Eater and she just found out that you are the world's biggest shark?" 

"I would never have done this to her."

"You are a great help."

"And you are asking too many questions." His voice was sharp.

I looked into his eyes, something he saw in mine made him continue:

"Listen- this is your decision. And only yours. If you were my woman, I surely wouldn't have done this to you. But since I am not and your shark is in Askaban forever, you may as well do what you want. I think you'll like this answer. Such a friend of self-responsibility you are. "

I made a face. Did he have to be such an ass?

"Why are you helping me?"

His voice was calm and unagitated again when he asked:

"Are you sure about this?" His eyes lay shortly on the potion.

"No."

We both looked at the innocently crimson potion. We looked up again. Our eyes meet. 


	17. Visits

**Chapter 17**

**-Visits-**

I recalled this evening for the hundredth time. I had to look away from his gaze. I had had the distinct feeling that he was reading my thoughts. He had cupped my chin and forced me to look into his deep black eyes again.

"She is of your blood. What does the father matter? You can't blame her for his faults. She needs your love. Who is interested in him?" He had said.

"But I am so afraid."

"You don't need to be afraid. I'll be there for you."

"But I can't stay here."

"Go abroad. Get rest. No one needs to know who her father is."

I had chosen to keep my baby. I had left England a week after my conversation with Severus. I just took some stuff from my flat, went to Sirius' flat, picked up everything worth money the Aurors had left, packed my bags, sold my shine and left.

I decided to live in Southern France, a landscape I had always loved. So it was now or never. This was the only time to burn my boats completely. Only Severus, Clot and Dumbledore knew where I was at. Severus and Clot were the only person who knew whose baby this was.

Every time I met strangers and they asked me for the baby's father I told them he had been killed in a terrible accident. Pitiful people tend to ask less questions and still they were satisfied for they had a horrible story to gossip about.

I started working for the Wizarding Bank in France. I earned good money there and I found a wonderful elderly witch who would become my childminder, taking care of my daughter when I was at work.

I had no contact to my family anymore. I had owled to my mother when I had settled in France, but her reaction had been disconcerting:

"_Sadra,_

_you should have told us about Sirius. I knew that he was only pretending to be a Muggle-lover! Your father was delighted when he heard the truth! It's a shame that he is in Askaban! But we are willing to welcome him as son-in-law whenever those dark times are over. Serena will wait for Mulciber, too. He has been captured a few days after Sirius. We hope, he will be fine. He isn't the youngest man anymore. Is there any possibility for you to see Sirius? _

_We are so proud of you,_

_Your loving parents._"

This letter made me aghast. I wouldn't answer to her, never tell her about the child. All I wanted was peace for me and my child. Not my mother and her crazy hags pampering her for being Sirius' daughter, not all the others hating her for being it.

During my pregnancy I was still haunted by all kinds of memories, self-reproaches, addressing reproaches to Sirius and all of that. I hated the whole nine of them. The Death Eaters, the Order, everyone.

The only person I could stand during those days had been Severus somehow. We wrote to each other quite often ever since the night in his office. I admired him though I knew he had been one of them. But he had been running with the hare and hunting with the hounds, and he did it smooth. He cheated the gallows. He made no mistakes. Not him.

I wished Sirius had been as brutally calculating as Severus had been. Then he could still be with me and our daughter. I would have forgiven him anything as long as he would be with me. Given that he ever really loved me. But didn't Dumbledore say so?

My daughter was born in a hot night in July. I named her Adhara for this was a star of the same constellation Sirius' name came from. I don't know why I did this. I felt it was the last and only thing I could ever do for him. She was a part of him as well as she was a part of me and there was no point in denying this fact.

My little angel. How much I loved her. After she was born, I had just stopped thinking about the past and decided to focus on her future. Her life would be perfect. Nobody would do to her what her father had done to me. On the other hand I knew I had to be grateful that he gave her to me. I sighed. There really should be none of him no more.

Clot immediately came over to see my baby-girl.

"Merlin, is she cute! Look at these little hands. Five tiny fingers! And these eyes!"

I laughed. My heart was full of pride.

"The color of the eyes will change, I guess. Nearly all kids have blue eyes when they are born. Even though it would be a pity." Adhara's eyes had the color of the Caribbean Sea.

Severus came to see us at the end of August. He looked at Adhara for half a second.

"So, are you happy with your decision?" He asked.

"Yes. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For helping me decide in her favor."

"Not at all."

* * *

I sighed. It was summer again. Nearly four years had passed. I stood on my terrace, listening to the eternal sound of the sea. I loved my quiet life here. The only thing that caused trouble every now and then was Clot when she and Adhara were raving the house. I went inside to fetch a glass of white wine. With the glass in my hand I looked for Adhara, who was vast asleep. She resembled her father in so many ways. She inherited his thick, jet-black hair and her blue eyes had turned into his grey. Her face was more like mine as far as you can say this about a four-year-old-girl. Her temper was tamer than his had been, but she was able to burst out like him occasionally. I kissed her forehead. How I hated these nights when I had to think about him because I saw his child. I shook my head and left the room.

It was close to midnight, it was still warm outside, the cicadas were singing, I was enjoying my wine and was completely relaxed when I heard a tiny plop. Suddenly I was scared to death. Somebody had just apparated in my garden. My wand was in the house, of course.

"You really should learn to keep your wand close."

"Severus?"

"The very same."

I felt a mixture between delight and fright. What did he want? Was he here to bring bad news? We wrote to each other, but since his visit four years ago he hadn't been here.

"Now that's a surprise."

"I can imagine."

"What is it you want?" I tried to sound not too dismissive.

"I was writing a letter to you when I decided that a visit might be much nicer."

"You are not sober, right?" I smiled.

"Exactly."

I laughed. I knew he was no danger for me.

"Well, fine. Have a glass of wine and sit down."

"Thank you. This place is terrific!" He sounded almost enthusiastic.

From the place he took his seat, he had a great view down the hill, leveling off right into the white beach. The air was full of the smell of rosemary, the velvet-blue sky full of stars.

"Yes, I love it. I am really happy that I found this place."

I wanted to give him some wine, but he pulled out a bottle of Firewhisky.

"Don't you like this anymore?" He mocked, his eyebrow raised.

"Erh, the thing is- I have a child and I cannot afford to boost all night anymore."

"Tonight you can. I want to talk to you. I will take care of the rest."

"You are not using any kind of magic on my child!"

He rolled his eyes. "And you used to be so brute. I remember a little night-time encounter in the castle where a pregnant woman was fighting to keep her bottle."

I bit my lip. I was not proud of this.

"Hang-over potion and a waking-up-detection-spell." He suggested.

"This seems to be very important to you."

"It is."

"What happened?" I put glasses for the Firewhisky on the table. Somehow I was really looking forward to booze up again. "Any bad news?"

"No, I think it is more of a question. And I think you are the only person who will be able to discuss it with me properly."

"Uh, sounds scary. I hope it isn't some kind of test." I laughed.

"How long do you think have love and hate a permission to live?"

"What do you mean with permission?"

"How long are you allowed to suffer from love or hate without being a lunatic?"

I knew exactly why he chose me for this now…

"I guess time heals all wounds, doesn't it? There will come a day you just don't feel it anymore. You just don't love or hate this person anymore."

"And if this day doesn't come, this makes you a lunatic?"

"Everyone will come to this day sooner or later, I think. Depends on your character and what the person you love or hate did to you."

"So you say that it is a question of time and cause?"

"Yes." To sum it up.

"So how long do you think, you will hate Sirius?"

"I don't hate him anymore, it's like…I don't know."

"Do you still love him?"

"No. Not like that…"

"When did you stop loving him and when did you stop hating him?"

"You mean a date? There is no date for stuff like this. A lot changed after I gave birth to my girl, but even after that I've been thinking a lot about how I feel for him."

"When did your sentences started to fill with all the 'not like that' things?"

He drowned his fourth shot like a madman.

"I don't know. What are you playing at?"

He slammed down his glass. "I need to know when it stops." He refilled, I quickly drank. Was I about to hear his story?

"It's ten years today. And she is dead for more than four years now and I still feel like…"

He really sounded like a maniac, drowning his next shot.

"Who?" I was thrilled.

"Lily."

"Lily Potter?!" I shrieked.

"Lily Evans, should have been Snape, Potter. Exactly."

"She told me that you fancied her in school, but I never thought she was the love you were talking about years ago in your office!" I was aghast.

"She told you?" His expression became greedy. "What did she say?" He was a lunatic!

"She told me about the pranks James and Sirius played to you."

"Yes. Those heroes! Do you know why I was interested in the Dark Arts?! Why I did all the horrible things I did? Because I wanted to gain powers those idiots didn't have. I wanted to make them pay for all they did to me! It's all their fault. Without them Lily would still be here." His words sounded pressed, like he was restraining himself from shouting.

"Wait, wait. Their pranks made you a Death Eater? O, come on!" I laughed.

"They did. I wanted to be better than them! I was working hard on new spells, new potions, everything to make them pay. Every time I found something they started using it against me! Always four on one. The others thought it was great fun, but they destroyed all my hopes."

"Your hopes?" Quickly I gave him more Whisky.

"My family has been a disaster. I was dreaming about being the best and coolest student, Hogwarts has ever seen, to make Lily fall for me, but what did I meet? Potter and Black."

I felt sympathy with him. I could remember James as a boy too well. It must have been hard to be their prank-target for seven years- always in front of your secret love.

"And then they destroyed my friendship with Lily!"

"Wait, wait. She told me you called her a mudblood!"

"That was an accident. Merlin, they were taking my pants off! I lost control. Because of them I lost control _once_ in my life! And why didn't Lily forgive me? Because of them!" He clenched his fist. I was confused.

"No, she told me it was because you liked your creepy friends more than her."

He hesitated. "No. Never. I wanted to fight Potter and Black."

"But Lily told me she asked you to break off the friendship with them! And you refused."

He looked at me. Then he decided to disregard my objection.

"Then she started going out with him- him of all people. I joined the Death Eaters. She would have been the only person to prevent that. But she was with super-Potter now. I experienced respect and tribute for my knowledge there. But I still loved her and hoped that there would come a time I would be able to be with her. Even if she was a mudblood, nobody would have asked questions if she was married to me, one of the most valued Death Eaters. And what did she do? She married Potter, joined the Order and gets knocked up by Potter. I wanted to hate her, but still I couldn't. When I found out that the Dark Lord thought her boy was meant by the prophecy! I begged him to spare her." Desperation made him speak faster and faster, words broke out of him like an earthquake.

"What prophecy?" He was way too fast for me, I was loosing track.

"Phh, a prophecy saying a boy would be his downfall. I only overheard half of it. The Dark Lord worked out that it could either refer to Neville Longbottom or to Harry Potter. The Dark Lord chose Potter and wanted to kill him. This was a shock. I begged for Lily's life. I met with Dumbledore and offered myself as his spy. That's why they performed _Fidelius_. Luckily for the Dark Lord, your Black wasn't the friend Potter always thought. And I lost her. Again. This time due to your spouse. They ruined my life. But still I love her." He was breathing hard.

My mouth hung open. Wow. "You told him?" He wasn't listening and I was not sure if I had meant telling this prophecy to Voldemort or telling Dumbledore after whom Voldemort would go.

"I am going to kill him in case he ever leaves Askaban. I want you to know this."

This didn't take me by surprise.

"Why did you tell me to keep his child then?"

"I was not intending to do so, believe me. I would have loved to meet him and tell him that you killed his child with my help! But he has abused you, too. You were looking so beautiful and innocent that night. You needed to be taken care of. You tend to be self-destructive. And your daughter is going to be raised by you. She will not be like him. I can tolerate her like I could have tolerated Harry. If Lily only had decided to come to me." His voice was bitter.

I had really no idea what to say. I should have known this. He was drunk. He was grieving. He was making no sense. He was blaming Sirius for his misery. So did I. But I had Adhara and he had nothing.

"That's why wanted to talk to you. How long will this last?" His black eyes met mine.

I shook my head. "I cannot tell you. But did you ever ask yourself if Lily might have chosen you if you would have broken off with your friends?" I wanted to distract him.

"Did she ever mention such a thing?"

"To be honest: the day she found out that she was pregnant, she was talking about you. She wondered if this might break your heart. She was worried for you."

He made a horrid sound. "No!"

"And being honest: I think she might have chosen you over Potter, if you didn't call her a mudblood."

"He forced me to!"

"No, he didn't." Merlin, he obviously wasn't willing to take some of the blame himself.

Severus glared at me. "Why didn't she just forgive me?"

"I think, you calling her a mudblood was the straw that broke the camel's back. She asked you to drop your Death Eater friends and your dark occupations so very often. She was sick of making your excuses."

He got up. "It was not my fault. It was theirs."

"I wasn't there, but when you are growing up you should learn to see things from a different angle. The cleverer give in. If you would have just ignored them, they would have lost interest. But you wanted to tangle with them. They didn't make you a Death Eater! You always wanted to be one, from the very beginning. Lily told me. You even tangled with them after school! So don't you go and blame others for your faults."

"It's all Black's fault. He betrayed her." He protested.

"Yes. He did. He did betray her. But what he didn't do is to make you a Death Eater. That was your decision alone. Against Lily and for them!" I had gotten up and stepped next to him. He was drunk, lonesome and desperate- just like me. Still he annoyed me.

"Your decisions are your responsibility. You cannot pick responsibilities you want to pick and leave the rest behind. If you would have abandoned your Dark Arts everything might have gone a different way. But you will never know. And don't you ever go again and blame others for your own faults."

Still I knew how he was feeling. Searching for answers that could not be found.

"I will make him pay for this." He spat.

"You will have my greatest sympathy."

"Now, now. Is this hate?"

"No. That's fairness."

He laughed out bitterly.

"Fairness. If you would have seen what I saw, you wouldn't even use this term anymore. There is nothing fair in this world. Look at me. I am a former Death Eater, standing here, drinking and enjoying a moonlit night while Lily is dead."

"She chose her path as well as you did. She wouldn't be complaining."

"She really loved that bastard, didn't she? The self-announced Muggle-rescuer. Why on earth was he with Dumbledore anyway? He was a pure-blood for Merlin's sake! Why couldn't he stay at home with Lily?"

I laughed for this was the same questions I had asked Sirius so many years ago. But feeding Snape his answer would be cynical.

"Maybe he did it for Lily? She is muggle-born and might have been a target for you one day."

"Lily? Never. I would have prevented this."

"Like you prevented her death?"

"Don't you dare to talk to me like this! I begged for her life, I betrayed my beliefs for her, I ran to Dumbledore for her! That was cringing. And still…"

"Severus, there is no way to change what has happened. You may as well focus on the future."

He looked into my eyes. "I will do."

I looked into his unending deep black eyes. I felt like all my thoughts were there for him to read. My desperation, my loneliness, my doubts.

Suddenly I felt his lips on mine. It felt so natural. We were mature, lonely, footloose and fancy-free. We were seeking for comfort in each other.

His kiss was light and tentative. I responded with more than four years of locked up passion. He deepened his kiss, strong and demanding now. My head swirled. The last man I had been with had been Sirius. I didn't care. If Severus didn't take me there and now, I would kill him. He pushed me to the ground which suddenly was full of soft cushions. My clothes he took of in the old fashioned way. His tongue explored my naked skin, searching for my erogenous zones. Merlin, I wanted to be fucked not seduced. He stood up, standing in front of me. He was still fully clothed for he didn't allow me to undress him.

"Let me look at you." His voice was commanding. I had the feeling of hundreds of hands gliding over my body, caressing me in every way I liked. My back arched with the sensation.

My own arms started moving along with the gentle touch on my skin. My fingers reached my clit and I started stroking it slowly. His gaze seemed to direct my fingers. I had to moan, though I didn't mean to. Never did it feel so good before. I was close to coming, but he didn't seem to care. He watched me, his face contorted with lust.

Then he ripped his own clothes- he had to hurry or I would have come. He was kneeling between my thighs, taking my hand, making me touch him. He was huge and hot. I could have screamed with lust at the very thought of him in me. Why did he have to take so much time for everything? The second I finished this thought, he started entering me. He was very cautious, working his way into me really slowly, savoring every second. My orgasm hit me like a wave, taking me away. It felt like ages until I heard myself panting again.

"You are a fast one, and a most enchantingly one at that." His deep voice was close to my ear.

My thighs felt weak. I tried to sit up, but Severus simply flipped us around, so that I was sitting on top of him.

"You won't get away until I get mine. Look at me." Not wanting to stand back behind his skills, I rode him like a professional jockey. His black eyes were focused on me, intensifying the sensation of every touch. I came again before he did, but my wild bucking hips pushed him over the edge.

Without saying a word, both of us drowned another shot. He drew me in his arm and we both gazed onto the sea, silent.

But my head was spinning. What did I just do? He was the enemy. Was he? Nobody knew. I felt so safe in his arm. I had felt safe with Sirius, but this here felt like we were in some kind of indestructible room or something. Still, I didn't feel tenderness in his touch. How should I? I knew that he didn't love me. I knew he had been thinking about Lily when I fucked him. I had been thinking about Sirius. That was the deal. Merlin, what would Sirius say if he ever found out that I had sex with Severus of all people? Maybe Severus was on some kind of long-term revenge session? To make sure that Sirius wouldn't be only dead after Severus was through with him, but devastated? No, in this plan was a flaw. Nobody knew if Sirius ever really loved me. But maybe Severus just wanted to make sure he didn't overlook any opportunity to torture Sirius?


	18. Changes

**Chapter 18**

**-Changes-**

We woke at dawn. White blankets were covering our naked bodies. I knew he woke me with some kind of spell.

"I will leave now." He whispered.

"Okay." I murmured, facing him.

He looked into my eyes. "I am sorry."

"For what?"

He came to his senses. "For not being the gentleman I should have been."

I chuckled. "Not to my disadvantage, I think."

"In case you worry…I will tell nobody about this. Not even Black."

"Nice. Now you are a gentleman." I mocked.

He smiled. "This is a matter between Black and me. And only us."

With these words he vanished.

* * *

I returned to my single mother life, but I felt so much better. The memory of my special night satisfied me very time I recalled it. Severus kept sending his letters as usual and so did I. No regrets.

Christmas Eve he dropped in again. I just had finished cleaning the mess Adhara had made with her food. There was no snow at all at the Mediterranean Coast, but suddenly I felt thick white snow flakes sinking slowly on my head in my kitchen.

I spun around to see him in my garden, enjoying his entrance.

"Hey." I laughed. And yes- I was definitely happy he was there.

"Hey. I thought I could wait for Santa with you?"

That was so unlike him. I laughed.

"Sure. Eggnog? Or Firewhisky?"

"Oh, I'll take some Eggnog first." He stepped in front of my fireplace.

I handed it over to him. "And how did I achieve this honor?"

"I wanted to make myself a present." He looked at me calculating.

"And that would be?"

"Undress yourself." It wasn't a request, it was a command. But like the last time I wasn't able to withstand the force in his voice. He would do me good again.

"Whatever you say." I laughed, not moving.

He whirled his wand in a soft motion and my clothes started to move off my body, stroking it slow and gently.

His black eyes shimmered with lust. "Lay down in front of the fire."

My hot naked body was enthralled by the ice-cold sensation of the floor. It should have been much warmer. My nipples puffed out. I moaned.

He stepped towards me, naked now. Some of his eggnog he poured in my navel and licked it out, slow and sensual. Then he drew a line of the beverage from my breasts to my thighs. He started licking real slowly, when I tried to touch him, I felt that I was pinioned.

His features were diabolic in the flickering firelight, but I was captivated. The second I thought he would reach my clit, I felt him entering me instead. He felt sensational. Since I was not able to touch him, I focused on looking in his face, so he could see how much I liked what he did. He focused on my eyes, too. He was fast, his thrusts hard and deep. The second I came he flipped me over and doggy-styled me. His expert fingers on my clit were stretching my orgasm into what seemed to be eternity. Then he grabbed into my hair and pulled me up roughly so my back was close against his chest. He grabbed for my breasts and came.

Severus was breathing heavily, pressing me close his chest. "Hope, you didn't mind?" He whispered.

"Not at all." Merlin, this firelight was enchanting.

"Is there a present you want to have?" His voice was playful, his fingers reaching for a praline.

"More of this." I groaned.

"Modesty is not yours, is it?" He laughed and sank between my thighs, allowing the praline to escape inside of me, starting to search for it with his tongue.

* * *

He was there on New Year's Eve, too. He cast a spell so that Adhara wouldn't wake up from our noises, like he had done the last time. Then he took care of me. I loved it. During the days I would be the single mom, working hard, taking care of my child- at night I would have a wild affair. I knew there was no way to conquer his heart, and I was fine with that. After the disappointment with Sirius I felt no need for a relationship at all. Severus and I would talk, we would sleep together, and he would leave. He would come when Adhara was asleep and leave before she wakes up. He would be my little, dirty secret. And I was very happy that way.

His long white fingers were playing with my hair.

"A knut for your thoughts." He teased.

"They are worth a galleon at least!"

He opened his hand, handing me a galleon.

"How did you do this? You cannot conjure money like you cannot conjure food!"

He smiled. "Is that true?"

"Is this dark magic?"

He rolled his eyes at me. "Surely not. It's leprechaun gold."

"May I ask you something?"

"Again!"

"Where is your dark mark?" I had recognized that both his arms were plain white. Like Sirius' had been. I was sure they were able to hide the mark, but now I had the opportunity to ask someone who would be able to explain.

"Disguised. You don't want to look at it all the time, don't you?"

"You can disguise it?"

"Sure. Otherwise the Aurors would have had less fun, figuring out who was one of us and who not. We would have been giving ourselves away all the time."

"Show me." He sighed, murmured something and it appeared on his left underarm. I was startled. It was pitch black, a snake extruding from a skull, ugly and scaring.

"Enough?" He scoffed. I nodded.

"What did you do when you were a Death Eater?"

He stretched. "Mainly research."

"What kind of research?"

"Listen, the Dark Arts are not all about killing and destroying. It is more about pushing the boundaries of magic further. Gaining powers others don't have. Be better than them."

I knew he was a powerful wizard, I always felt the power he was emitting when he was near me. He was nearly like Dumbledore, only his vibes were completely different.

"But why?"

"Men need to be better than their opponents or they will lose. Potter taught me that much."

"Oh, will you stop this, please?"

"No, it's a simple truth. Men want to have power to rule other men. That's what it's all about. Power."

"That's stupid. Not all people are like this."

"All men I know are. It's easy for you to talk. You are female, a pure-blood, you are rich, you are beautiful. You never had to fight to get something you want."

"What about Lucius? Same goes for him."

"Except being female and beautiful, I would think. He has to defend a position he has inherited. That's even harder in some way, since everyone is trying to step up to you. But since you are not a man, you won't understand anyway."

"What? Women don't need power? Or what?"

"You have more power than you think. You rule over the man. You make them fight."

Was he kidding me or was he serious?

"But there were women among the Death Eaters."

"Few." His voice was derisively.

"You don't approve?"

"No. Basically, they have caused more trouble than anything else. Always first with their mouth, but no plan what to do whatsoever. It was time-consuming to get them out of their self-created trouble. Besides, they were distracting some of the men. Whores."

"Really?"

"Some of them have been in bed with nearly every Death Eater available."

"How about yourself?"

"Some offers are tempting, but I prefer respectable women."

"Did you ever force a woman to be with you?"

His black eyes glistened. "I already told you that I am not a rapist."

"But since you are so stone-aged you couldn't stand behind your crew or what?"

"I never touched a woman without her permission."

"Did you ever kill someone?"

"What kind of a question is this?"

"Did you or did you not?"

"I did."

My eyes widened with shock.

"That's so typical for women. Asking questions. Not being able to cope with the answers."

"Many?"

"Few."

"Merlin."

"O come on, what did you think? We all fought this war with words and flowers? Did you ever ask Black how many deaths he has on his name?"

"Don't you regret what you did?"

"Some I do, most I don't. If I wouldn't have been better I would be dead now."

"But…"

"Enough of this. If you want me to leave for what I did, I will."

* * *

I didn't want him to. I needed him. He needed me. We were using each other to be not all alone, to have someone to come to, to talk to, to understand, to seek comfort. He took care of me, helped me when I needed something- be it a potion for my ill child or an arm to hold me through the night. He was not an evil person after all.

Sometimes I even thought that Lily would have been much better off with him. I have never seen a man more prudent and calculating than him.

Everything he did was all planned out. There were backtracks, fall back options, ways out. He would never mess up. Even in Sirius' position he wouldn't have fucked up like this. He would have found a way to have life the way he wants it to be.

Though this was really attracting me, on the other hand he had no passion whatsoever in him. He would never get up and do something completely stupid. Like James and Sirius so often had done. One morning for example, they decided to brew coffee on their own in Godric's Hallow. Instead of water they took beer, because they thought coffeer would be the optimal beverage. Making drunk and awake in one zip. Of course, the mess bubbled over and left a kitchen to renovate.

Severus would have sniffed at this 'childish' behavior.

Or how Sirius always lost his temper when he thought someone was harassing me. I sighed. Or our first encounter in the Leaky Cauldron. Or how he used to flash me the puppy eyes with his irresistible smile… Well, passion only get you so far. Though Severus did no bed-time reading for Adhara, she profited more from him than from her useless father.

When Adhara was around five she started to ask for him. All the other girls in her kindergarten had a Daddy but she didn't. I remember debating the issue with Severus.

"What shall I tell her?"

"What's wrong with the truth?"

"Sometimes you are so very funny: 'Your father is a mass-murderer, who betrayed his best friends and your mum? But don't worry, honey, he will be in Askaban forver.' Yeah. "

"And what pray-tell are you intending to tell her?" He raised his eyebrow.

"What I told all the other people- that he is dead."

"You think that is a good idea?" He sneered.

"What else should I tell them?" I shrugged.

"You would be better off if you would have told them he deserted you."

"Why?"

"Because in the unlikely case he ever comes back and for the even more unlikely case I will not be able to kill him before he gets here- what will you tell Adhara then? Oops, must be some kind of resurrection?"

"That's veeeery unlikely, I think. You and Clot are the only persons who know who is her father. But nonetheless- if he only deserted me, she might want to meet him. Can't I tell her that you are her father?"

"You must be joking, right?"

"Why not?"

"That would be because I am not her father. And she doesn't know me at all. And it would be colliding with your-I-am-already-dead-for-a-few-years-neighborhood-story. You should really be thinking before you start acting." He folded his arms.

"Too late."

"Tell her the truth."

"I can't."

"You are going to get yourself into a hell of a mess. Stick to the truth."

"But what if she tells her friends? I moved out here so we can be free! I don't want him to destroy my peaceful life once again! He is locked up for nearly six years now!"

He frowned. "Even children know that they should shut up sometimes."

"And if she doesn't? This is not fair!"

"All right. Tell her he left you. If she will start to investigate further in about fifteen years you still can tell her the truth."

"Just great."

"You know what I said about fairness."


	19. Proposals

**Chapter 19**

**-Proposals-**

This way it worked for two years. For me, for him. He came once a month, in his holidays twice or thrice a week. We often walked on the beach at night and just talked. We could have been a perfect couple- no fighting, just genuine conversation. Only love was missing. But was I missing love?

Shortly after Adhara's seventh birthday I became seriously ill. In the afternoon my head started aching and I was freezing. When I came home from work my vision was blurred and I was shivering. Madame DuPret- the cildminder- looked at me pretty worried.

"Mademoiselle, are you ill?" She asked in French.

I nodded.

"Do you want me to get a doctor?" I wasn't able to concentrate on speaking French now.

"Severus." I pleaded. I felt that I would need a wizard.

"Who?"

"My quill, please." I wanted to write a letter quickly, urging him to come. Everything was spinning. Adhara looked at me in horror.

"But, Mademoiselle- the fire. It's faster."

"I don't know where he is. Please." I sank on a chair, my head nearly exploding.

"Where could he be? I'll try to get him." She took my sweaty hand.

"Hogwarts maybe." My tongue wasn't working properly anymore.

She knelt in front of the fire and called Hogwarts. I looked on my left hand and saw red blotches there. Oh, me. Please not.

I heard distant murmurs, then a saw a black shadow emerging from the fire, approaching me, speaking words I couldn't understand. I felt that someone was dragging me from my chair. Then everything went black.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, I was lying on the couch in the living-room. My vision was still blurred, but I saw Severus standing in my pantry-kitchen, Adhara sat on the kitchen counter, watching him admiringly.

"No, look you have to be more careful with this root. Cut it a little more straight."

When he saw that I had opened my eyes, he picked my girl up and put her down before coming over to me. I smiled weakly. He bent over me, his hand on my forehead. It was ice-cold. Adhara jumped onto the foot of the couch.

"Did you just wash your hands? They feel like ice." I whispered.

"No. You are burning with fever. I am afraid you have Dragon Pox."

"What? No! How?"

He smiled. "I don't know."

"Do I have to go to St. Mungo's?"

"No. I contacted them. It is better if you stay here to cure it. It's very contagious. They would have to isolate you."

"But where is Madame DuPret?"

"I sent her home."

"But Adhara? I don't want to infect her. Or you."

"No problem. I have a special potion to protect me from infection."

"You can prevent Dragon Pox? You deserve a First Class Order for this!"

"You are not listening properly. I can't prevent it, all I can do is strengthening my own immune system. That's what the Healers would do in St. Mungo's, too. But it's complicate to brew and the ingredients are mad expensive. That's why you have to isolate the ill. But I'll be able to provide enough for me. Adhara is inoculated anyway. But we'll have to stay here."

I coughed. "I have no problem with my daughter staying here you know."

Again he smiled. "But she might have a problem with being locked up here."

"And you?"

"It's holidays. I can stay and work here. If you don't mind."

"Of course not. But Adhara?" I whispered. I knew he didn't like children.

"Adhara, could you fetch a glass of water for your mom, please?" He interrupted.

My girl jumped up and weaseled into the kitchen.

He turned to face me. "What about her?"

"I thought you don't like kids. Especially not her." I hissed.

"I do not like kids, correct. I hate her father, correct. But I think I will be able to suppress my belief in kin liability for a few weeks. For you. She is very bright. She helped me brewing the potion all day." Was there warmth in his voice?

"You can ask Clot for help. She works in St. Mungo's."

"Your volatile friend? I'd rather not." He got up and gave the glass of water Adhara just had brought to me.

"Sleep now." He kissed my forehead very gentle, picked up Adhara and went back to the kitchen.

"Okay, Adhara. I'll explain the moonstone to you now. It's an essential ingredient for…" His lecturing voice trailed away.

* * *

The fever burnt for five days. In my dreams I met Sirius nearly every time. Sometimes he was smiling at me, sometimes he was swirling through maniac laughter. I saw James and Lily. I heard Clot reciting her famous-in-school-answer to the question what where the greatest wizard-achievements in the ancient Rome when she had answered: wine, orgies and bulimia. I saw Remus smiling at me, heard Peter laughing and Sirius over and over again. Sitting in his cell in Askaban, staring at the full moon.

The sixth day I woke in my bed, my head was aching, my body still covered in red blotches, I was feeling weak and mangy, but clear. The room had stopped spinning. The full moon was shining into room. That's why I had been dreaming about it. It had to be middle of the night.

"Severus?" I whispered.

Within seconds he appeared through the door. "How are you?"

"Better." My voice croaked.

"Good, I already started to worry you may never get better."

"Where is Adhara?"

"She is sleeping. It's four in the morning."

"Didn't you sleep?"

"No, not at all." He had to be some kind of crazy crack vampire.

His hand lay on my forehead. "Yes, the fever is down. Very well."

I tried to sit up, but he had to support me.

"Thank you, Severus. I have no idea what I would have done without you."

"I told you I will take for you." He put his arm around my shoulder cautiously.

"Saying this is one thing, really doing it a complete different matter. Did you get along with Adhara?"

I could hear his smile. "Yes. She is a bright little person. She has been on my heels every day, wanting to know more about this potion, that spell and so on. You didn't tell her much about our world, didn't you?"

"No. I want her to be a normal child until her letter comes."

"You should do. She is so keen to learn. But I am afraid her food hasn't been the best for the last days. We had a lot of pasta and chips."

"She won't mind." I grinned.

"Yes, that was my impression, too." We fell silent.

"What can I do to express my gratitude? We have been keeping you from whatever you were supposed to do for so long." I asked wanting to break the silence.

"I told you that it's okay."

"But…"

"Stop it. I don't want to hear any of this. Thank me with becoming healthy real soon. Now you should sleep." He kissed my forehead and left the room.

I tried to sleep, but I felt too well rested. I had been sleeping for days. I stared at the moon. I knew the very same moon was to be seen over Askaban now. If it wouldn't have been for Severus I might have conked out. Thank you so much, Sirius Black. Irrational hate pulsed through my veins all of a sudden. Now who is teaching your child? Now who is taking care of your love? Now who is the head of our little family? Now who is the man that is fulfilling your duties?

I swung my legs out of the bed. The room started spinning again. I had to get to him! With all my willpower I managed to stand up and put on a dressing gown. Slowly, I was feeling my way to the door.

When I reached the living-room I was left breathless. Severus had managed to turn my living-room into a laboratory greatly resembling his study in Hogwarts.

"Why are you out of bed?" He snapped.

"I…what happened here?" I was completely distracted.

"I am working, as I told you I would."

"But what are you doing?"

"Research."

"What are you researching this time?"

"Didn't I tell you that you are asking too many questions?"

I sighed. His expression softened. "Come on, you belong to bed. You haven't been eating for six days. You must be very weak." He led me back to my room.

"Severus, may I ask you something?"

"Dear, dear. This will never stop, will it?"

"Can you just hold me for while?" I said in a tiny voice.

His black eyes widened in surprise. "All right."

He sat on my bed, I positioned myself between his legs, my back on his chest. He started stroking my face real slow and gentle. I felt asleep very soon.

I woke again at sunrise. One of his hands still lay on my cheek, the other one was on my stomach. He was sleeping. Finally. I snuggled closer against him. How I had missed closeness. Having stunning sex was one thing, but cuddling sometimes was far better.

"Sadra." He murmured and opened his black eyes. How deep and dark they were always took me by surprise. He shifted me into a more comfortable position, pressing my body close against his.

"Marry me." His voice was a mere whisper. I must be dreaming.

"What?" I whispered even quieter. Maybe he was talking in his sleep.

"You understood me perfectly well." His voice was low, menacing.

"You asked me to marry you?"

"Indeed. If you will be able to stop your all-the-time-questioning one day."

"But why?"

"Question again."

"You want to marry me because…fill the gap!"

His hands entwined mine. "I want you to belong to me. Officially."

I was stunned. Why did he want to marry me? I never had been under the impression that he was the type to marry anyway. What was he playing at? I felt his thumb gliding over my hand, causing spills on my spine and a certain heat in my lap.

"Become my wife." His breathe in my ear was unusual hot, making me feel relaxed. What was he doing? I had been very ill and he made me feel all sensual with a mere touch. I turned to face him. He had been there for me. He took care of me without hesitating when I had been close to death. He was powerful, he was strong. With him at my side there would be no more threats in my life. He would keep us safe. All I had to do was say 'yes'.

Was it my concern why he wanted this? He was giving me everything I needed and if he wanted marriage in return, why not? I knew that life would have no more love for me in store. I admired him, I respected him, he was laying it down in the bed-room. Could there be anything else to ask for?

He turned me head to face him. When his eyes found mine, one of his eyebrows was raised questioningly.

"I will." I gasped out.

"It wasn't that hard, was it?" He bent down, pulling me into a kiss.

* * *

It took only a few days to recover completely. Severus and his machinery of war had vanished from my living-room. Clot popped in for a visit.

"So you are going to marry him?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"He says he likes New Year's Eve. I would prefer spring or summer, but I don't care."

"That's strange."

"What? Marriage on New Year's Eve?"

"No, him. Why is he so keen on marrying you suddenly?"

"I don't know. He says he wants me to belong to him. And he wants it officially. Maybe he is afraid I might go and get me a new affair and his caretaking won't pay off?"

"But does he love you?"

I laughed. "Clot, not less or more than I love him. Love has been a bitter thing for both of us. I think both of us see it a little more pragmatic."

"But what's in store for him? Don't get me wrong, you are beautiful and everything, but I think that _you_ are definitely the one profiting from your relationship. You should have begged for the marriage."

"True. But I have no idea." I shrugged.

"You remember what my granny always said? 'Marry only for love'. What if you meet someone you really fall in love with?"

"This will not happen. And it's not like I don't love him, it's just a complete different kind of love. It's not this head-over-heel-fight-for-me-die-for-me-teenage-thing. It's more mature. About respect, reliability and trust." I hoped my tone would settle this matter. Of course, she had a point, bit what should I do? Back out?

Clot chuckled. "If I would have told you ten years ago one day you will talk to me like that, you would have killed me."

"Yes maybe. But that was before I had the misfortune to meet Sirius to knock all the nonsense about love out of me. This is the best way possible for me."

"Are you marrying him because you are afraid of being alone?"

"Clot, I will be alone all the time even with him being my husband. He is living in Hogwarts."

"And what does Adhara say?"

"She is happy. Finally she has a Daddy, too. And the youngest Potion's Master and Head of House ever on top of that."

"You sound like your mother, do you know that?"

"You know, sometimes I think life turns all of us into people like my mother. Remember how enthusiastic and motivated we used to be in school? Move along world, it's us! Now all we do is worrying about ourselves like our dear parents."

"That's true."

"Severus is keeping all the promises Sirius has made."

"All right, I will save New Year's Eve for you this year."

"Good luck, because I wanted to ask you to be my matron of honor."

Clot laughed. "Yeah, of course! Make sure you throw that bridal bouquet right into my hands. Who is going to be Severus' best man?"

I swallowed. The term 'best man' belonged to Sirius and James. Oh, me. How could this all be happening?

"Sadra?" I got a grip.

"Uhuh, you will like that one- it's Lucius Malfoy."

We cracked up laughing. After we had finished, her hand was pressing on my underarm.

"But be careful anyway. He seems to be quite the possessive type."


	20. Marriage

AN: Thanks a million, amrawo! It makes me happy that you read, review and even like my story so far. To all the others: Where are my reviews? I know how many people are reading this story! Why don't you ever review? It would make me seriously happy to read from you.

**Chapter 20**

**-Marriage-**

Most of our guests would be his friends, but of course, I knew most of them. They all were people Sirius had warned me about so frequently. Adhara would not be there, we had agreed that it was safer this way. People would be able to put two and two together and Severus was refusing to tell the people she was the result of a brief affair I used to have.

"Do you think I want my friends to believe I marry a slut? Besides, you need to be more than blind not to recognize that she is from Black. Look at her." End of discussion.

He had a point there. She resembled her father in so many ways. And every single day a bit more. His hair, his eyes- I even knew that she would be become taller than me, knowing how tall her father had been. And she was a real tomboy. Like him.

Adhara was pretty disappointed first, but Severus had solved this problem very easily: He sent her and Madame DuPret to London, watching the fireworks. Both were glad. Case closed. That's how life worked with Severus Snape.

* * *

The night before the marriage I had spent with Clot- drinking of course.

"How do you feel?"

"I don't know. I am afraid. My close season is over. I had such a peaceful life in France. Now I am dragged back to public. I just hope I can get back to my quite life with Adhara afterwards."

"But you don't want to tell people where you live?"

"No, you, Dumbledore and Severus from my old life. That's it. Everything else is endangering Adhara."

"What about your parents?"

"I wrote to them, without exactly inviting them. Look, what came back." I sighed.

"Oh dear." Clot looked at the around twenty pages of the letter from my mother. "What does she say?"

"Eighteen pages accusing me for not writing back in 1982 and never writing to her ever since. Followed by one and a half pages telling me that she has investigated about Severus and thinks it is okay to marry him for being in Malfoy's good books. Finally, she hopes that Sirius Black does approve with my decision because he is the better man even when he is locked up."

"No." Clot was appalled.

"Yes." I sighed.

"Did you write to him to Askaban and asked him to give you his blessing?" She mocked.

I didn't laugh. My insides were squirming every time I had to speak about him.

"No letters allowed." I said in a hollow voice.

"I know." Clot rolled her eyes at me. "Do you fear him?"

"He will never see sunlight again. Severus is the better man."

"Though Sirius had the better looks."

"Clot!"

"What? What's true has to be held true. He was a fine ass."

I had to laugh. "And a bad ass on top of that! Should have been your boyfriend. I knew it all along."

"By the way- did you invite Remus?"

"I was thinking about it. But I haven't been in touch with him for nearly eight years now. And Severus doesn't want to see him anyway."

"A pity. He was such a nice guy."

"And since when do you like nice guys?"

We cracked up again.

* * *

Our marriage was on New Year's Eve. He wore his usual black and I wore a decent, but crisp expensive pearl white dress. When I approached him through the rows of the guests, I saw pride gleaming in his black eyes. I had to smile for I saw Clot eying Lucius, who was standing next to Severus, greedy. He was good looking, I had to admit, but I never liked the fair blond type. The ceremony was very nice, though I had to swallow hard when I was declared to be Mrs. Severus Snape. I had always pictured being Mrs. Sirius Black for myself.

The best part of the night was the party, of course. After I threw my bridal bouquet right into Clot's hands, it set off. After the first dance with my husband, Lucius took over.

"Mrs. Snape. You are an enrichment for our circle of friends. Severus is the luckiest man on earth. He has chosen wisely. Such breathtaking beauty."

The whole evening was filled with compliments like this. I became the feeling that Severus had managed to purchase an item much sighed-for, because he had negotiated cleverly with its owner somehow. I dragged Clot to the dance floor.

"These people are so horrible! They talk about me and to me like I was a piece of art. Like I was some kind of decoration. 'Yes, you look nice with the curtains.'"

"I am afraid these men really think about women as accessories. Look around!" All the women were tarted up and fitted out with all kinds of crisp expensive jewels, clothes and everything. But they didn't look like they ever laughed at home. A lot of the elder guys had women with them who were way younger than Clot and me.

"O dear, what have I been thinking to agree to this?" I gulped a goblet of champagne.

"I was asking myself this question when I thought about the name Sadra Snape."

I snorted into my goblet, quickly grabbing a new one from a passing waiter.

"Severus is not like them, he only plays along." Was I deceiving myself or Clot?

"Cheers!" Clot laughed. "Which one is Lucius' wife?"

"The blond one over there. Narcissa. They have a son."

"Yerk. She is so skinny and gaunt. Why do they only have one child? If he would be my husband I would have a child from him every nine month."

"Didn't you say he was only a three out of ten in bed?" I grinned.

"Well, maybe a four. But see how good he looks! He is darn sexy!"

Severus stepped to me. "Shouldn't you spend some time with your husband?"

I laughed. I was tipsy, I had already forgotten that this was my own wedding. Buggering around with Clot had reminded me of my good old school-days. I would have loved to hide somewhere with her now, observing the guests, running them down and making a plan how to reunite her with Lucius tonight.

"Sorry, Sev. But most of the people you are talking to are just horrible."

"I asked you not to call me Sev." His hand gripped my wrist so hard it hurt.

"Ouch! This hurts."

He led me to our place of honor. "Sorry." There was no remorse in his tone.

I sat next to him, feeling bored. People kept coming to us, making their usual compliments about my looks and how advantageous our relationship was. I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes at them. Clot was already flirting with a man I didn't know. I saw Lucius looking at her longingly. I had to tell her! When she looked at me I gave her a wink.

"And how many sons would you like to have, dear Severus?" I suddenly heard an old girl's voice saying. My head flew into her direction. I had been so focused on Clot that I didn't realize this old hag talking to Severus.

My cheeks burned, I had never even asked Severus if he wanted to have kids of his own. I just had assumed he wouldn't since he hated them anyways. Merlin, being in bed with him was one thing- and a particular good one- but having his kids? I couldn't imagine.

"We will see." He answered smoothly. Phew! Narrow escape.

"Darling, would you like to dance?" I fawned.

He looked at me, his black eyes glittering malicious. "Sure."

When we had started dancing, I whispered urgently: "What's this about kids?"

"She was just asking. Quite a usual question for newly weds, isn't it?"

"No, I mean- we never talked about this. I mean….do you want to have children?"

"Are you denying me what you gave so willingly to Black?" His tone was insidious.

"I don't… mean….it's…"

"Did I ever tell you that I am a Half-Blood?" He hissed.

"No." I breathed.

"Is this a problem for you?"

"No." I answered honestly. I was just surprised for he had been in Slytherin and was Head of their House now. His eyes bored into mine.

"We will talk about the child-issue later. There is no hurry."

"But you don't even like children. Why do you want to have some now?" I insisted.

"I said we will talk later." His voice was very soft, but sounding more dangerous than ever.

I shot him an angry glance and was happy that this nasty Carrow-guy wanted to dance with me so I could let go of Severus.

Later, Narcissa Malfoy approached me.

"Sadra, how nice. Didn't see you since the year dot. Have you been hiding until you found a decent man to rebuild your reputation?" Her voice was silky.

"My reputation?" What on earth was she talking about?

"Well, I didn't forget about Sirius in case you worry. We all didn't know if you were on Dumbledore's side or on our side after they had caught him. Such a quick departure and nobody had the slightest idea where you have been hiding. But obviously you have been on the right sight all the time and played along with Black. And now you found the next powerful ascender to fulfill your ambitions. Congratulations, Severus is the best choice possible by far. Seeing that Sirius won't come back to you."

"Whatever you say, Narcissa." Rage boiled inside of me.

"I would love to invite you and your husband to our annual winter party in two weeks."

"That's very nice. I will tell you if we can make it."

"Yes, do this please. Where will you two live? In Spinner's End?" She asked in her sweetest, falsest voice. Judging from her tone she might as well have asked me if I was intending to wash my hair with dog crap from now on.

"No, I will be staying in my hideout, you know. Less unpleasant visitors." I smiled warmly.

"Well, whatever it is, it must be better than this hut." Her smile was just as warm.

"Narcissa, if I didn't know better I would think you are disrespecting my husband?" I managed a voice even sweeter than hers.

"No, of course not. It is not his fault he is not a descendant of a family like yours. I would say your marriage is a win for both sides." She swept away.

I pushed through the crowd until I found Clot. She was still talking to the stranger.

"Fuck Lucius tonight. No matter what!" I hissed. Clot grinned approvingly.

"Severus." I offered him a most graceful smile, holding my hand out for him.

He took it and kissed it gentle. I pulled him close, making it look like I wanted to kiss my dear husband.

"We have to talk. I just had an unpleasant conversation with Narcissa."

"Narcissa being unpleasant? That's impossible." He sneered.

"Indeed?" I snapped, hating him.

"Since you learned so quick how to act in company- what is it?" He whispered in my ear, gently shoving me to the dance floor where a slow blues was playing.

"Why did you marry me?"

"I told you. I want you to be mine. And everybody should be aware of this fact." No, Severus- we weren't playing like this.

"Did you do it for my name? My money? My blood?" I was furious. I knew he didn't do it for what I would have called love, but I hated the feeling that I was a means to an end in his opinion.

"Concerning the name- I gave you mine. Concerning the money- I have more than enough and especially more than you since your wealth is a question of heritage. Concerning your blood- may I remind you that I would have married Lily? But I won't deny that I do consider it as a pleasant side effect. I just told you that I am a Half-Blood. Nobody here ever asked for my status since I have been in Slytherin. I am valued here. But though I am my own man, a pure-blooded witch being my wife is strengthening my position."

"Is this all you need me for?" I felt depressed all of a sudden. Was there not one man in this world that liked me for being me? Did they all need me for pure-blood breeding? I looked onto the tips of shoes, feeling tears forming in my eyes.

"Look at me." He commanded. I looked at him, tears swimming in my eyes.

He smiled when he saw I was close to crying.

"You will never learn your lessons, will you?" He sounded affectionate, taking my face into his hands, his lips gently brushing mine to allow him a kiss.

"I married you because we need each other. I will not allow any other man to mess with you ever again. I need a fighter like you right at my side. A place I can rest my head at. Blood is a positive side-effect, but not the reason why we are here. And I promise you there will be no children until you say so. Now tell me what did Narcissa say to upset you like this?"

I quickly retold what she had said.

"Oh dear. Spinner's End really gotten to her. It's the house of my parents. I inherited it when they died. I kept it for some reason. I never needed a new house for I was there five days a year maximum. She's been there once." He looked away.

"She has been there…?"

"She is Lucius's wife." He said leaving me to guess whether this means he would not touch her or I should shut up. I hated this bitch. Hopefully, Clot would make her pay tonight. But the feeling of jealousy running through my veins made me feel incredibly alive.

Severus smiled at me. "Jealous?" He teased. How did he always know?

"To be honest: kind of- yes."

He gaze became rigid, he smiled at me. "You are jealous because of me?"

"Why not?"

"You are incredible. I am so glad that you are officially mine now." He laughed.


	21. Rituals

AN: Thank you for your reviews, your suggestions and your criticism!! I ask you to excuse my halting style for English is not my mother tongue and unfortunately I never spend more than three weeks at a time in an Englisch speaking country. Keep reading and reviewing please!

**Chapter 21**

**-Rituals-**

Two weeks after our wedding the famous Malfoy-Winter-Party was scheduled. Sirius was wearing black dress robes and I had to admit that he looked pretty fly for his usual standard. I wore a banging silver and white dress as a nice contrast.

"I hate these events." Severus grunted annoyed.

I was attaching my second earring. "But why? I really like to meet other people."

"It's a bunch of chitchatting hags and old men talking about things they don't even understand. That's what it is."

"Gotten out of the wrong side of bed, hum?"

He looked at me with a stern expression on his face. "What do you know?"

"Nothing yet." I smiled, grabbing for my silver handbag heading for the door.

* * *

I don't know what Severus complained about. Malfoy mansion was worth a visit, with its huge halls, the marmoreal fireplaces and heavy precious Gobelin tapestry. When I stood in the entrance hall my mouth kind of hung open, I have to admit though I don't want to. Paying Narcissa Malfoy a compliment is really hard for me, but this place was more posh than my parents' castle.

"Ah, the Snapes." Would I ever get used to the falsity in her voice? I felt my face contorting in the effort to give her my fakest smile possible.

"Narcissa, how nice to see you." Severus shot me a sideward glance. I was pretty sure he just wanted to make sure that it had been really me who spoke for my voice sounded pressed with sweetness and slime.

"Is this your first time in my house? I will show you around later! First, I have to welcome the other guests. Do you know Draco, my son? Say 'Hello' Draco."

He was unmistakably his father's son. The same pointed face and the horrible light hair.

"Draco will start Hogwarts the year after next. I am sure he will be a Slytherin like the rest of our family. " She gave a high-pitched giggle as if she just had told some classy joke.

I had to restrain myself from rolling my eyes at her. Maybe my recollection wasn't correctly, but I could have sworn she hadn't been that annoying some fifteen years ago.

"Nice, then you will come into the house of my husband." My voice was so clucking I reminded myself of my threehundred-and –fiftysomething year old grand aunt. What a stupid thing to say. I was even able to humiliate myself in front of a child.

Draco looked at me mildly cloyed, but smiled. Firewhisky. Here. Now. Fast. I had to escape the clutches of Narcissa, her mere presence turned me into a person I didn't want to meet.

Luckily, Lucius was approaching us, slapping amicably on Severus' shoulder.

"Severus, my dear old friend. And his enchanting wife." He kissed my hand perfect in form, leading me towards a huge door.

In the gigantic living-room all the creepy acquaintances of Lucius and Severus were convened. I recognized a few faces, but most of them I had never met. Lucius introduced me here and there and head was soon dizzy with about two-hundred names and the appertaining faces. A lot of them worked for the ministry, others owned shops or companies. He had gathered the crème de la crème of our society in his house, that much was true.

"Your parents send their apologies. Your mother seems to be a bit ill lately. But I am sure she will recover in no time." With these words he left me standing in a group of elderly men, disappearing in the crowd.

One of them brought me a Martini. This had to do. After giving myself Dutch courage I was able to master the night pretty good. Most of the elder men were easy to wrap around the finger, slobbering for me and kissing the floor I was walking on.

I saw only flashes of Severus every now and then, but every time I saw him he seemed to be more annoyed.

It must have been around midnight when he grabbed my arm, dragging me discretely towards the library. "What is it?" I was whispering without knowing why.

"You will see."

In the library around fifteen men had formed a circle. Their wives stood lined up on the other side of the room.

"Go over there." Severus demanded, taking a place in the circle himself.

Not Narcissa again. I chose the other end of the line, standing next to a witch I had never seen before.

"What's going on?"

"This is an old ritual. Don't worry." Her voice was little more than a breath.

Lucius commenced: "To the Dark Lord. Our true and eternal master!" The men in the circle all took small silver knives from their robes, using them to cut into the flesh of their left arms.

"Upon my life! As long as blood is running through my veins I will be a faithful servant to the Dark Lord! I will do everything in my power to prune this world from mudbloods and scum. The Dark Lord!" Lucius spoke loud and clear.

"The Dark Lord." The other men repeated in a dark choir.

Lucius turned to face us women. "Women be of proud and purity. Serve your men and the Dark Lord. Bear pure-blooded sons and raise them to be men in a better world."

The witch next to me gave me a gentle push. "Go to your husband and kiss away the blood."

Obviously I had chosen the wrong end of the line. I was so confused, I staggered to Severus. He looked me dead in the eye, holding out his left underarm to me.

"_Kneel down!_" A small voice in my head commanded. I obeyed and knelt in front of him, his arm now at the height of my mouth. It was a miniscule cut, a drop of his deep red blood oozing from it. I kissed his cut, immediately having the iron taste of blood in my mouth. I stared on the floor. Severus reached his hand out for me, I laid my cold one into his warm and he pulled me towards him, making me stand next to him. His arm firm around my waist.

The witch that had been next to me walked over to her husband, the man next to Severus. Apparently, I was done. All women performed the same strange ritual I had just endured. My attempts to make eye contact with Severus failed. He kept staring at the others, all I could feel was him calm and steady breathing.

After the last couple- Lucius and Narcissa- a goblet full of wine appeared in each man's hand.

"The Dark Lord." Lucuis said again.

"The Dark Lord." The others iterated and every man poured a bit of wine on the carpet and then drank himself.

* * *

"This was the biggest farce I've ever seen!" I yelled when we were back home. Surprise and disgust had silenced me until this point, now I was fuming.

"What about the peacocks?" Severus mocked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I stand corrected."

He laughed out. "This is nothing. It's a stupid thing we used to do as Death Eaters and Lucius is keen to keep the tradition."

"Nothing? Nothing?" I snapped my fingers under his nose. "This is nothing. You swore a allegiance with a dead monster you ought to fight!" I spluttered.

"It's only words. It doesn't mean a thing."

"You have me drinking your blood, putting _Imperius_ on me and dare to tell me it's only words? You are nuts!" I roared.

"Please, drinking my blood! You make it sound like you had to drink it in buckets. We are talking about a drop of blood. It's supposed to be a vow between couples, swear allegiance to each other." His voice was all calm.

"To the Dark Lord you mean."

"These words mean the same to me as they do to you. Nothing."

"Why are you still with these people then? Why don't you just go and find yourself some new friends? You don't even like them."

"This is for reasons better left unsaid. As for the _Imperius_ I will apologize. But you didn't know what you had to do."

"Very right! You could at least have told me what you were up to! Then I would have stayed at home!"

"That was exactly the reason why I didn't tell you." He looked at me smug.

"Great! Just great! I will never ever do this again!"

"You will. You will do it as I will do it."

Saucer-eyed I turned my back on him. This was madness.

"Listen, Dumbledore wants me to stay in their good books just in case." His voice was betraying impatience for the first time.

"In case what?"

"In case the Dark Lord will return."

"He is dead." Will they never learn it?

"Maybe. Maybe not."

"What?! Are you kidding me? Harry Potter, you remember?"

"Thanks to your dear voice I do. But Dumbledore and I agree on the point that he will return one day. He is not dead and not gone."

"Then the two of you should drink less!"

"I am not the one in this room who has an affinity to alcohol. And I am going to swear allegiance to the devil if necessary to finish the Dark Lord for good. And you are going to do it along with me."

"And if I refuse?"

"You won't."

"Why not?" I would be refusing everything from now on!

"Because you don't want your daughter to grow up in a world ruled by him, do you? You still remember how it used to be ten years ago?"

"Hardly." I grunted, sitting on my bed now.

"Talking about allegiances- you know whose wife you are, don't you?"

"What? Going to take me to task?" I snapped.

He had grabbed my hair, pulling me slowly towards him. I feared his dominance and harshness as I was attracted to it.

"I do." I shot at him aggressively.

"Tell me then." He hissed.

"I am yours." I stared into his black eyes, but there was no feeling to be seen in there.

"Then behave like it. I will not allow any other man to disrespect me like they did tonight."

"Who disrespected you?" I gasped.

"All of them. They all talked to you like you were unmarried. They flirted with you. And you allowed them to do so."

"I was only conversing. You want me to be charming, don't you?" I couldn't believe how he managed to turn the tables to his advantage so fast.

"I want you to stick with me until I tell you to converse. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Sir."

"You will not have the cheek to flirt with any of them again?"

"No, Sir." I mimicked.

"Good." He pushed me roughly away from him. I turned to face him, rage pulsing through me. His eyes on the other hand glistened with fury and pride. In a swift and sudden motion he grabbed me again and drew me into his arms.

"Because-" He kissed me on my mouth.

"No one-" He pulled away again.

"Is able to make me feel the way you do."


	22. Interludes

**Chapter 22**

**-Interludes****-**

I wanted to be true to my word. I really wanted to behave like the perfect, devoted wife whenever we went out. And we went out quite often. But the problem with him was that it was really hard to get some affection from him. Usually, he was all calm and unaffected. It took me quite an effort to make him show some emotion at all, which made our fights bordering on irrationality. Sirius had always immediately responded to accusations or bitching and he had been as easily provoked as me. Severus on the other hand- I could throw at him whatever I wanted, he would just stare at me, sneering, responding darn cool and rational, making me feel like one of his stupid pupils. The more he gave me the feeling of being stupid, the angrier I became. I nearly never achieved my goal of making him yell back at me. He loved to see me trapped in a fight I had begun and was not able to finish because his arguments were much better. I hated him for this. I reacted by searching for his weaknesses, his soft spots. And unfortunately, affecting his honor was striking a bonanza. I know, it's mean, but without emotion I cannot live and since anger was easier to get than anything else, I focused thereon.

So- despite my promise- I was flirting quite a lot, waiting for us to be at home and get my share of his emotions I needed so badly. I don't know if he saw right through this or not, but he played along and usually in the end of a fight I would get what I had been craving for- some words assuring me of the existence of his feelings for me.

* * *

On a Friday night I met with Clot in a dive in Nockturn Alley. It wasn't as bad as it had been during the days of Voldemort's reign, but the pubs were still full of doubtful characters.

Clot hadn't managed to drag Lucius off the night of my wedding, but a few days later. He kept seeing her on the side ever since.

"He still is a four out of ten, I would say." Clot sighed. "But he is sexy."

"I hope Narcissa doesn't find out."

"I bet that was a lie. You would love her to find out." Clot grinned dirty.

"I would love to see her humiliated, but she doesn't need to know that it's you. She is one of those hags going after the affair, not the husband."

"How about your husband?"

"Ten out of ten."

"That's not fair. You said Sirius was a ten out of ten. How come you always meet the ten out of ten guys? One of them has to be a nine."

"No idea. Back luck, Clot, I guess. A ten is a ten is a ten is a ten. And Severus is a ten anyhow." I retorted stubbornly.

"Yeah, I heard so."

"What?!" I spluttered in my Butterbeer.

"Um, Lucius let something slip. He said that some of the women in their circle were about to scratch each others eyes out just to get him. For he was so young, but very highly regarded and mad skillful. But he was hard to get." She assured me quickly.

"Good." I stopped coughing from the beer I just had inhaled. "But how does Lucius know? I expect, he didn't sit there and held the candle?

"Correct in its essentials. But he heard gossip. Narcissa must have been really keen to get him before she got the opportunity to get engaged with Lucius. He told me she sneaked to his house, nearly begging him to marry her, but he refused."

"No." My eyes must have reached the size of saucers.

"But yes." She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Now this explains a lot!" We burst out laughing. There was no way I that would be taking this slag seriously anymore.

"Indeed it does." After running our mouths about Narcissa for a while I asked:

"What else did he tell you?" I was really curious what else would be in store for me.

"He told me that Severus is an expert on a certain subject." She teased.

"He is an expert in quite a lot of subjects." I played her off.

"_Sectumsimpra _or something like that."

"What is this supposed to be? Must be something dirty by the way you are grinning."

"No, it is a spell he has invented in school all by himself, Lucius told me. It is really advanced dark magic and Lucius says that there is still no better spell so far to…Well, it must be really nasty. He didn't want to show me."

"Clot, are you mad?! You cannot allow him to use you as his guinea pig for dark spells! You have no idea what it does!"

"Ask Severus. I would love to know. I have never made a spell or a jinx myself, have you?"

"No. I do not even have the faintest idea how it's done."

* * *

When I came home that night, I was quite drunk. We had had such great fun. I loved these weekends when Adhara was staying overnight at the house of one of her little friends and I could hang out with Clot like in the old days. But why was my living-room illuminated? Did I forget to switch the light off?

I stepped into the room and saw Severus sitting on my desk, grading papers.

Quickly I leaned against the doorframe. I didn't want him to see how drunk I was.

"That's a surprise." I greeted him.

"It shouldn't be since you are entitled to know it's my monthly weekend off." He didn't even look up.

"Really?"

"Apparently. I did not yet start sneaking from the school."

"Sorry, I forgot. I was in a pub with Clot."

"Now who would have thought this?" He still didn't look up but put a forceful 'T' under the paper he had finished reading.

"Yeah, she told me some interesting stories."

"Well, that's very nice of her, isn't it?"

"It were more stories from Lucius she has been retelling me."

"Oh dear, I told him frequently to break himself of his bedroom confessions." He was reading the next paper. I did not have to ask why he knew from this affair.

"I thought they were rather interesting for his confessions included your person."

"Me? I have never been to bed with Lucius." I heard amusement in his voice.

"He told Clot that you have been really famous with the Death Eater…girls."

He looked half up. "Is that true?" He was smiling maliciously.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Am I asking you for your past? At a certain age there is no way pretending you will get involved with a virgin." He was reading again.

"Lucuis told Clot that Narcissa even begged for you."

He looked up at me, his eyes narrowed, sneering.

"Narcissa should keep her mouth shut. How can she tell stuff like this to Lucius? And now? Really, her husband telling his paramour about his wife's sin's of youth. I ask you."

"So, it's true?"

"Surely it is."

"And he told her a lot of other things you did in school." It was half a lie, for she told no more than this spell-thing, but now I was interested to hear more from his past. We avoided this theme as often as possible, both for reasons common knowledge.

"And what pray tell did I do at school?"

"Inventing very nasty spells, for example."

"Ah, I must have been a naughty boy."

"Will you tell me about it?"

"A simple and plain 'no' will do, I guess."

"But why?"

"A Knut for every question I answered so far and I would be a billionaire by now. You are my wife, you have a child on your own. Why on earth should I discuss my barred school-spell-work with you?"

"Why not? Clot and I think that it is pretty admirable to be able to invent spells."

He looked up again, his eyebrows raised mockingly. "I swear: you would not admire my work from these days."

"Why not?"

He got up and strode towards me, his black eyes boring into mine intently.

"Because it is not exactly nice, you know?" His fingers started to undo the buttons of my blouse.

"Why did you say 'no' to Narcissa then?" His soft and cool lips touched the skin on my neck gently.

"You want to talk about Narcissa now?" He laughed softly. These gleaming black eyes…

"If you would have just found out that somebody made a fool out of himself to make me marry him, you would be interested, too."

"Not at all. I wouldn't even be surprised, let alone that I want to know the details."

"Well, I am not like you. So please tell me why. After the stuff you said about the positive side effects of marrying a pure-blood I would really be interested why you didn't take her."

"I did not like her. She is unstable and selfish. She is one of those women bringing a man down. It is a simple but true answer and I hope this will do."

"I just want to know what made you so special that they all were craving for you."

"You will have to ask them, not me. The only thing that makes me special is the inaptitude of the others to use their skills properly. Be it with women or with spellwork. But I proved myself enough in these aspects, I grew out of this."

"I consider this as a 'no' to the upcoming question if you will ever show me one of your inventions?" I whispered, enjoying his smooth movements.

"As I've said from the beginning."

"You are not fair."

"And I will never be, my princess." He whispered directly in my ear.

"What?" I laughed and backed away a little to see his face. He never called me a princess before.

"If you insist that I tell you stories from my schooldays, then I will tell you that I have been a prince in school." His voice was lofty as a storyteller's.

"A prince? How? Was this a Hogwarts-title for people who invented the best spells for charm classes?" You never can tell- with Dumbledore as Headmaster.

"Not at all."

"How can you be a prince then? There is no aristocracy in our world."

"I was half a prince."

"Half a prince? And half a beggar or what?"

"I used to call myself the Half-Blood Prince in school."

"Why that?"

"Because I happen to be half a prince." He grinned.

"Aha! Seeing as you are a half-blood your father was a muggle-prince?" How cool was that? I mean, why not? Why should witches always marry hoi polloi?

"Alas, my love you do me wrong."

"Oh, Severus. Stop bugging me. You never told me anything about your family so far except that your mother was a witch and your father the muggle. If he has not been a prince how can you be a half-prince?"

"It was my mother's maiden name. Prince. Eileen Prince."

"Wow, that's it? Usually you are more creative." I jibed at him.

"I told you- my schooldays were not a fountain of esprit. I was a boring geek and bookworm." He faked sorrow in his voice, but I knew that he had played me off with his story for some reason.

"Now you mention your mother…"

"Nah." He silenced me with a deep kiss.

* * *

The summer Adhara had become nine years old, Severus and I were taking a walk on the beach, as so often. Adhara was staying overnight with a friend of hers again.

"The Potter boy will come to school this term." He said, sounded annoyed.

"Really? I wonder what he is like. Did Dumbledore say something?" I was curious.

"No, but I am sure that he is like his worthless father."

"Didn't you say you don't believe in kin liability anymore?" I laughed.

Merlin, Lily and James were dead for nearly ten years. And Sirius…never mind.

Severus shot me a nasty glance. I had perceived that he would hate James and Sirius for ever and much longer if possible.

I laughed: "Give him a chance. He is half-Lily."

* * *

As to be expected, my word went unheard. Severus started complaining about Harry in his letters the second he had set foot in school. I asked Severus not to take his revenge on James out on Harry. But I knew it was hopeless. Severus had found someone to continue his animosity with. Stubborn and self-righteous as he was… I laughed. Sirius had been stubborn and self-righteous as well. But could there be more difference between two men? Was there a difference? None of them would have ever stopped hating the other- that much was sure.

During the school year Severus' letters became more alarming. He had to skip half of our weekends. He wrote me about the mysterious behavior of a certain Professor Quirrell and that he was afraid, this Quirrell might be intending to harm Harry though Severus had no idea, why.

'_Princess mine,_

_you won't believe what happened here on Halloween. Someone (I have the distinct feeling we are talking about Quirrell) led a Troll into the school. It nearly killed Harry and some of his sidekicks. He didn't succeed though. I have no idea how Harry managed to find that troll for he was supposed to be in his Common Room. He told us some crazy story about warning one of his accomplices, but I think they worked hand in glove. But the other teachers bought his story, of course. He resembles his dear father in so many ways… Since he has been made Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team for being impertinent and rule-disregarding he is even worse. But Slytherin is going to win the Cup anyway. We won it every year since 1985. _

_Talking about Quidditch: This week Quirrell tried to jinx Harry off his broom. I was merely able to prevent that. I have no idea what Quirrell is playing at. There is no hint whatsoever that he was somehow connected with us in the past. Maybe he has information about the Dark Lord we do not have. But maybe he just hates Harry for being so very annoying. He shows no sign of outstanding ability but is already big-headed like James. Anyway, the day before the match I received a nasty bite from Hagrid's…one could call it a dog. Ruddy thing. Dumbledore asked me to secure the Stone additionally and somehow I was distracted (because I was thinking of you, of course) and one of its three heads managed to bite me. No big deal, it was cured within hours. _

_I have no idea where Hagrid always finds this kind of creatures. He called it Fluffy, can you believe this?! I would have called it gory monstrosity. I don't know what's coming next. Dragons maybe…_

_I will have to stay here for Christmas, but I'll be there for our Wedding Day._

_Love, Severus" _

The day before New Year's Eve Severus came. Adhara was very pleased to have him around her again. She bombarded him with her questions about school, flying, charms, whatever.

"You are definitely coming after your mother." He sneered. I had to laugh.

This evening the three of us were on the couch in front of the crackling fire. Severus was lying behind me and I had Adhara in my arms. I had been reading the fairytale of the three brothers out to them. Mainly to Adhara, of course. My little angel had fallen asleep during the story. I stroked her thick hair, it felt like I was stroking Sirius' hair again.

Severus groaned behind me. "This is too much harmony for me." He stretched sleepily, his fingers gliding over my arm. "Is she sleeping?" I nodded.

He got up and took her little body to her bed. "This bedtime reading makes me tired, too." He smiled when he came back, slipping back onto the couch, putting my hair aside and kissing my neck.

"You are so caring and beautiful." He murmured into my ear. We started kissing slowly.

"May I ask you one thing?" He whispered close to my mouth. I chuckled.

"Again!" I mocked.

"How do you feel about having my child now?" I backed away from him.

"What?" He took a strain of my hair, pulling me towards him again playful.

"Yeah, maybe I want to have one of this little things for myself." His tone was challenging while his soft warm hands glided over my arms. The fire cracked when a log of wood fell into the ash underneath, spraying red sparks through the fireplace. I was relaxing under Severus' gentle touch.

"Are you sure about this?"

"No." He mocked, kissing me tenderly.

* * *

After the holidays Severus went back to Hogwarts. We (or rather me) decided that the child-issue could wait a little longer. I just wasn't feeling like having a child again.

Severus kept writing me letters, telling me how very unlikable Harry Potter was and that Severus had to referee Harry's Quidditch Matches on top of everything else, in case someone was trying to harm him again. His letters always made me laugh for he was raving lunatic with the Potter-case. On the other hand, I felt a little ashamed of him. Why did he have to be mean to the son of his greatest love because he had the wrong father? Would James have treated a son of Severus and Lily equally mean? Sighing, I folded his latest letter. I am afraid James would have done so, let alone Sirius.

Severus managed to visit us only twice again in this term. He was very tense about the whole Quirrell- situation.

"The only good thing about it is that no DADA-teacher lasted for more than a year since 1958. I really wonder how we will get rid of him."

* * *

We would find out very soon. When Severus came home to me on the first night of holidays, he was alarmed. We sat down on my terrace and had some wine. He frowned.

"We need to talk."

"Go ahead." I laughed. What were we doing already?

"Sadra, this is dead serious. We found out that Quirrell has been obsessed by the Dark Lord. Quirrell is dead and the Dark Lord has vanished again, but he is surely not dead. That much we are sure about now."

"What?" My glass nearly fell.

"He is not dead. You know we never really thought he was, but now we are sure."

"But you backstabbed him. We will kill you!" I was surprised by the power of the heart-clenching feeling in my chest.

"That's not important. We have to know how he managed to survive."

"Not important?" I looked at him disbelieving.

"Listen, a lot of Death Eaters ran out on him. I'll think of something if he ever comes to ask me. But how can you survive a killing course? Potter shouldn't have and the Dark Lord neither. But I have no idea how they did." He seemed to be searching my face for the correct answer.

"How should I know? You are the expert on this subject."

"Right."


	23. Verities

**Chapter 23**

**-Verities-**

During the holidays Severus was very busy. He tried to solve the riddle of Harry's and Voldemort's survival. I have no clue what he was searching for, but whenever he was at my place, he was reading in heavy, old books. Adhara was very fascinated by these books, but she wasn't allowed to look into most of them.

In August I received a letter from Durmstrang inviting me to a meeting of all alumni.

"See, see. Headmaster Karkaroff." Severus sneered while his eyes scanned the letter quickly.

"What's wrong with him? He has been made Headmaster a few years after my graduation."

"Nothing wrong with him." Severus grinned evilly.

"What?" I squeaked. His voice had been far too sardonic not to raise my interest.

"He tried to sell me out. Dirty bastard."

"What do you mean? Sell you out?"

"He was a Death Eater. And when he was captured he tried to bargain with the ministry. His freedom in exchange for the rest of us." He spat on the floor.

"Really?" This was too interesting to start complaining about my parquet.

"He is a coward and a pushover."

"He really tried to sell you out?" Childish pride pulsed through my veins. Severus was not be fooled. By no one.

"Yep, thanks to Dumbledore his accusations haven't been shouted from the housetops. But he still managed to bring some people into serious trouble or even into Askaban."

"But that's horrible. How can you cheat on your friends like that?"

"Ask Black. And the Death Eaters weren't even a nice bunch of friends." He sneered.

"Why didn't people take vengeance on him?"

"Most of those he betrayed were in Askaban anyway. And why should those who managed to keep out of trouble endanger themselves by killing such a coward? But since the Dark Lord is not dead, things might become different." He smiled horribly, bending over his book again.

"You want to kill him?" I was shocked.

"No, he is not worth the effort. But I'd rather see you not going there."

"I wasn't intending to do so." Not worth the effort?

"Good."

"Severus, do you have a conscience after all? You sit there and the idea of the Dark Lord being back doesn't scare you at all. Now you even start talking about killing Karkaroff! I thought you were on our side now."

"I am. But I will have to do whatever will turn out to be necessary."

"Including the death of Karkaroff?" I felt fear like I would be facing Voldemort face to face again. Would Severus really be able to play this game?

"He is still alive, isn't he? What are you whining for? You are too softhearted, really."

"Because I don't want to kill people?"

He got up and quickly strode over to me, browbeating me. "Do you think I did this for fun? Do you really think I wanted to kill people? Do you think I am sadistic? Do you know me after all? You have no idea. You have always been sheltered. It is my highest goal to keep you that way, but never dare to accuse me like this again!" His eyes glistered with fury.

I stared back at him. He was a strange man. A gentle knock on the window distracted us from our fight.

"Adhara!" Severus called for her unnerved. "An owl." Adhara simply loved owls delivering letters. Since I hardly ever got mail via owl, she was allowed to get Severus' owls for him all the time. She appeared immediately.

"Wow, this is one from Hogwarts, isn't it?" She beamed, opening the window, allowing the owl to jump in.

"Possibly." Severus sounded composed again. He really had himself under control. Applaudable.

Adhara detached the letter cautiously from the owl's leg, stroking its feathers gently. Severus took his letter while she started giving munchies to the owl.

"They are so beautiful." She sighed after it had taken off again. "I want to have one for my own."

"I will get you one when you start school." Severus said absentmindedly while reading the letter. Adhara beamed with joy. She had to wait only one more year!

"So, what does Hogwarts want?" I tried to sound as unaffected as him, but by the look he gave me I didn't seem to have succeeded.

"It's just McGonagall informing the rest of the staff about the new DADA-teacher."

"Who is it going to be?"

"Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Woooh!" Adhara wolf-whistled. "He is very handsome."

I stared at her disbelievingly. It was not the fact that my ten-year-old-girl thought of a man way older than myself as handsome, but the sound she had made. It had been the very same noise Sirius always made when he thought of something (women basically) as handsome. Can you inherit such noise-making-abilities? I never knew. Severus was frowning, too.

"Adhara, a modest young lady doesn't behave like that. You are not born in the gutter to make sounds like a dosser." His voice was waspish.

"Sorry. I won't do it again." Adhara said meekly. She never tried to discuss with Severus for she knew that he could be very strict. Severus nodded and she left the room.

"You should really keep an eye on her manners." He looked at me. Now that was enough!

"It's not her fault that she is Sirius daughter, remember?" I was pissed because he had been so strict with Adhara for a thing she couldn't help after all.

"I didn't tell her off for being Sirius daughter. I was telling her off because a wolf-whistling girl is a hussy." His voice was calm. I hated his composure. I wanted to hurt him.

"Come on. You are just as shocked as I am that she sounds exactly like him. It is hard work for you pretending that you do not to hate her like you hate Harry, isn't it?"

His eyes were slits when he spat: "You have no idea, do you? Maybe I should hate her like I hate Harry. But I don't. Do you know by any chance what it costs me to bear her sight every day? She and Harry- both resembling their great fathers in so many ways. My arch enemies- and who is taking care of their brats now?! Me! And if you want to know why I don't hate Adhara like I hate Harry- I have a simple answer: Her father at least managed to prevent the useless death of her mother!" Here we go. Round one- fight!

"May I remind you that you are not completely innocent in her death?"

"This-" Never I heard his voice hissing more dangerously "won't be necessary."

"And concerning the brats- I am perfectly able to take care of Sirius' brat myself. You don't have to bother."

"What do you know?! WHAT?" He was really setting off.

"Me? I know nothing as you so kindly remind me all the time." I enjoyed my position. For the first time ever, he was the one who was reaching boiling point fast while I remained pretty calm.

"It is the first obligation of a man to take care for his wife and his kids! Still everyone worships Potter for his o-so-tragic death. He was nothing more than a coward, self-pleased and his boast so big he thought he could _fight_ the Dark Lord!"

"We all know that you didn't like him, thank you."

Severus mouth closed. Something in his black eyes seemed to change.

His voice was soft, when he spoke again, yet more frightening then everything I had heard so far, including Voldemort himself:

"You will never understand me, will you? You will not even try. You and your superficial friends. Black, bored with being spoiled decided to play a double game to make his life more interesting, your friend Clot- sleeping with married men to spice her adrift existence! And you- your biggest problem ever must have been that some of your Muggle-designers didn't have the shoes you wanted in exactly the same color you decided to purchase! What do you know? How dare you to talk to me like that?"

He had never excoriated me like this before. He turned away from me, his black robes swishing over the floor.

"I would prefer if you would not start to get personal, you know. Show me some respect. I am your wife, remember?"

"Respect?" He laughed. "What you know about that?"

I wanted to retort, but he turned to face me again, his eyes glistered with such intense hate- I stepped back automatically.

"What do you know? What do you know about a woman marrying a Muggle for reasons unknown? A Muggle who is a heavy drinker? A man that used to scream at his wife when he was drunk? A man who is beating the shit out of her while their child is watching? Doing things to her you don't see, but hear through the locked door when her screaming woke you up in the dead of the night? Being helpless, being unable to prevent harm from the person you love most? Being unable to protect her? Tell me, what do you know about these things?"

I had backed against the wall, staring at him in horror. He seemed to be beside himself, his face was white with fury.

"Tell me- what do you know about a mother muttering that she will kill him one day, reading books of a powerful kind of magic who will make her able to do so? You would have read

these books, too, wouldn't you? You would have wanted to be able to side with her, too. Wouldn't you? But nothing will happen, he will continue pissing his money up the wall, she will

continue to be beaten up and raped. You start asking yourself who is the coward? The Muggle? The mother? The son? Shouldn't he step up for her, when she is obviously unable to do so

for herself? You would have loved to make a friend you can tell at least a little bit about yourself, you would have loved to come to a place where you could start a new life. Where you can

learn how to help your mother. You would have loathed Potter and Black, but hey- you have your goal, a bunch of people who share your goal and your friend. Every holiday you spend at

home reminds you how very necessary it is to keep working! There is no more screaming or beating in front of your eyes, because you are close to manhood now and threatened the

Muggle more than once that you will kill him if you ever catch him abusing your mother again. Christmas before your N.E.W.T.'s you come home to find your mother dead. The Muggle tells

you that she died in the night because she poisoned herself. Her body is already gone, you will never find out the truth. Maybe it was the truth, maybe he killed her, maybe she died from

a broken heart. Wouldn't you have loved to kill him this very second? Wouldn't you have missed your friend to talk to? The friend you called Mudblood accidentally once? No you can't, she

ran off with your arch-enemy who made you call her that. What would you have done? I decided to go back to those people who shared my goal. Power. One day you will receive a

message from the Muggle. He is very ill. He wants you to visit him. When you arrive at your house you find him half-dead-drunk. He is not even able to talk to you. He babbles something

of your mother being a witch and a horrible person who didn't deserve better and should fry in hell for giving birth to another of her kind. He will choke, he will gag. You will not be able to

distinguish if it was your hate or the cancer that is strangling him right under your nose. You will leave. The next day he will be dead. You will not know if it was you or not. So you will

continue to learn, you will gain power, still you will miss your friend. Witches come and go, you are not interested. Then things will start to fall apart and shatter. Your dear friend is dead

and gone and you will have to blame yourself for this. And it just doesn't stop to hurt. Then you realize that there might be another person you could talk to. A person you weren't even

aware of when she stood in your study and asked you to help her killing the baby of your other arch enemy. Remember the summer I came to visit you? I never choose my friends over

Lily. I chose my mother over Lily. I thought you would understand one day, but apparently I was mistaken. You will never understand what it means to be out there on your own."

* * *

AN: Thank you Lilycharmer359, I haven't realized that I had blocked anonymous reviews! To the rest of you (except amrawo of course! ): Review please!


	24. Outbreaks

AN: Please review! I can't believe how many people are reading this and do not review. Your reviews are my wage. Please don't let me starve!

**Chapter 24**

**- Outbreaks-**

The first days after our fight, I felt very uneasy. I had never known these things about Severus' past and I felt sorry for him. He must have had a horrible childhood. On the other hand, he had no right to treat me like this. He was an adult men, he should overcome his past one day. But would I be able to live with a past like that and how? Who was I to condemn him outright? He was right: My childhood had been very sheltered and yes- I have been spoiled beyond reason. All that went wrong in my life was caused by my own decisions or me trusting the wrong person, but not by my parents. At least not when I was a kid.

Severus always said that life was unfair, but still he couldn't stop complaining that it was, at least not when his youth was concerned. Lily. I think I am not even able to comprehend the kind of feelings he must have had for her. I would have loved to ask her again why she chose James of all man. And now Severus had to watch their son, in his eyes a symbol if his failure in all respects, I think. And me? Having the child of his enemy's sidekick, who is responsible for Lily's death like no other? And still he took care of their "brats". He just did it. And in case of Adhara he never even complained so far. But why did he choose me of all people? Not to loose the connection to his hurting past? I will never understand him. But I decided trying to be nicer to him in the future. I have never been the resentful-type-of-person.

* * *

For Harry his second year in Hogwarts turned out to be as bad as his first one. Severus kept me informed about all the events in Hogwarts, but barely had time to visit us. I sighed and picked his latest letter up again.

"_Princess mine,_

_I have no idea which lunatic asylum Dumbledore visited to find Lockhart. This man is barmy. He is always talking about his great adventures, but he has no powers whatsoever. He asked Dumbledore to allow him founding a Dueling Club. Of course, Dumbledore agreed. The situation in the school is very strange for we have no idea what is going on since the second attack. I guess a little dueling will not change the matter. I am going to be his "assistant" as he puts it. We will see of how much assistance I will be for him…But maybe I can prevent a catastrophe. _

_Potter is as annoying as ever. After his flying-car-entrance in September where he fed McGonagall and Dumbledore one of his cock and bull stories (told you) to avoid getting the boot, he was hunted by a Bludger last time he played Quidditch. It was great fun to watch. He broke his arm and when Lockhart tried to heal it he vanished Harry's bones instead. How thick can one be? I really have no idea who is worse, him or Potter. And people think that Harry is the Heir of Slytherin? If he is the Heir of Slytherin there must have been a serious genetic swamping through the centuries…"_ And so on.

Then I remembered something. Back when we were kids, James and I had been asked by his mother to do some family research. I think she wanted to distract us from hexing her carpets, but…

Harry- the Heir of Slytherin? I wrote to Severus that this was rather unlikely for his heritance. I remembered scanning those books of wizards genealogy with James, but there had been no connection whatsoever between the Potters and Slytherin. We had only found out that James was a descendent of the Peverell's. But what good will this do?

* * *

Severus came home to us in the first week after the beginning of the holidays. He seemed to be pretty stressed out and indicated that he and Dumbledore might have an idea how Voldemort managed to survive his own course, but he didn't want to talk about it. He just wanted to rest.

In July Adhara turned eleven. I would send her to Beauxbatons in September. Severus gave her a real beautiful white owl for her birthday. She was simply delighted.

The last night of July Severus and I sat on my terrace again. We were holding our wine-glasses and enjoyed the stars. Adhara stayed overnight with one of her Muggle-friends as so often. She had a lot of friends. Charming and outgoing as she was. Sirius all over again...

My body has heavy with languidness. I had been working the whole day while Adhara had been marauding with her crew in the neighborhood and Severus had read one of his horrible tomes bound in black leather. I yawned. Though I was tired, my life couldn't have been any better. I had my husband, a man I respected and cherished. My daughter had grown to be a gorgeous little person who was about to start wizard-school. It was summer, I was free. Nothing could disturb my little peaceful life.

We toasted. Severus followed my example and yawned and stretched.

"This must be the best place on earth." He groaned.

"Better than ours, I guess."

"Come on now. I am giving you a compliment and you have to be mean!"

I laughed. "Sorry, didn't mean to be mean."

He quickly stepped over to my chair and grabbed my arms roughly. His bedroom-style still was very dominant. He turned my chair towards him and took my face in his hands.

"Good, because a mean girl doesn't deserve this kind of treatment." His tongue tip played with my neck, while his hands held my face. "So you didn't want to be mean?"

"No." I gasped. He picked me up and took me inside the house. He pushed me to the floor in front of the fireplace and with one expert thrust he was inside of me. He took me hard and wild, sweat was running down our bodies, everything was completely silent except our moans, echoing magically through the empty house.

Afterwards we lay in front of the fireplace, covered in white sheets. Severus was sleeping, I could feel his steady breath caressing my shoulder. Usually I was the one to sleep first, but tonight a sudden rush of emptiness had replaced the satisfaction Severus had given to me. He was an excellent lover though he was very dominating. Sirius, on the other hand had been so full of passion, pure lecherousness, love. My insides squirmed. Bad conscience, I guess. I know I was unfair. And why did I have to think about Sirius now?

In the middle of the night I woke with a start. I had been dreaming. Something bad had happened. My heart was beating fast and arrhythmic. Did somebody scream for me?

I turned to see that Severus was wide awake, too.

"What is it? Adhara?"

"No. She is safe." I didn't ask how he knew, he always knew these things.

"What's it then?" My heart felt clenched.

"Something strange is happening out there." He got up and dressed quickly.

"Is it the Dark Lord?" I was so used to this term, I had started using it, too.

"No." He seemed to be listening into the night.

"I will go and see Dumbledore. As soon as I know something, I'll tell you." He left.

I wasn't able to go to bed anymore. I felt a strange urge to go somewhere. But where? And why? So I opened another bottle of wine and sat on the terrace again. I watched the sunrise while getting tipsy, when suddenly a doe ran through my yard. Alas, my mind must be playing tricks on me. I should definitely drink less for these animals were pretty rare at the Mediterranean Coast. Then I realized it was all silver and misty. It was one of those _Patronus_-things.

It spoke with the voice of Severus:

"Black escaped from Askaban. No idea how. Stay put!"

I heard my glass shatter. No. No way. No way! Adhara. Did he know? It was impossible to escape from Askaban! No dark wizard ever managed this. Merlin, even Grindelwald didn't escape from his prison! And if he was able to do so, why now? Why not nearly twelve years ago? Twelve years! My head rang. I wanted to drink, but my shivering hands didn't detect my glass. Right, it just smashed. I took the bottle instead and nearly drowned it at one gulp.

He couldn't know about Adhara. The only persons who knew that I was pregnant with his child have been Severus and Clot. All people here who know Adhara and me have no contact to England. As far as I know. But surely not to prisoners in Askaban. But why twelve years? Maybe because of the Dark Lord? Merlin, have mercy.

* * *

I still sat on my terrace when Adhara came home around noon.

"Hey, Mom. What's up with you?"

"Nothing, hon." I startled.

"Are you kidding me? You are wrapped in a sheet and you are sunburned."

I looked down at myself. She had a point.

"Sorry, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't get to sleep no more. So I went here to watch the sunrise- and obviously fell asleep."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "You are strange sometimes, Mum."

"Yeah, guess, they'll never make me president."

Adhara laughed. Did it just sound like a bark? No, my ears were playing tricks on me. She leaned against the balustrade, her arms crossed. Her hair slightly curled. My picture-perfect girl. So very much she looked like her father. I stared at her kinky black hair.

"Mom?" She now sounded scared from my crazy behavior.

I had to get a grip.

"Come on Adhara, let's have lunch. How about fish fingers?"

* * *

Severus came back at night. I was outside again, drinking heavy. He would give me hang-over-potion. I needed to be drunk.

"You should stay sober! Imagine he just appears here and you are drunk!"

"Will he?"

I had allowed Adhara to spend the night with a friend again. I wanted to drink- nothing else. Thinking was no good. I would reach no conclusion anyway.

He slammed a _Daily Prophet_ on the table. I saw the movement of the front page picture from the corner of my eye. I was not sure if I would be able to look at this. But Severus unfolded the paper and held it right under my nose.

I closed my eyes. His face was waxy white and sunken, his hair was now elbow-length and matted. But his eyes- I avoided to look at them feeling nausea.

"Not quite the beauty he used to be, hmm?"

I shook my head. Severus shot a nasty glance at the picture and slammed the paper down on the table.

"In our newspaper here was nothing." My voice was tiny.

"Tomorrow there will be. In England even the Muggles are warned already. But we assume he will stay in England."

"Yes?" I sounded pleasantly surprised.

"Sadra, for Merlin's sake! Get yourself together. We need your help now. Are there any hideouts or places you know where he could be hiding?"

"I told Moody twelve years ago, if I knew such places I would have known that he is a Death Eater, right? I know no fucking place where he might hide. Except his mother's house. Since he is the only Black left, it will belong to him now. But I am sure, he will not go there."

"How about Adhara?"

"He DID NOT KNOW that I was pregnant. Okay?" I yelled.

"Isn't she an heiress?" He held his ground, not allowing me to irritate him.

"No, they only bequest their male family members- born in wedlock." I grunted.

"Good."

"Well, I don't know…"

"I didn't mean 'good' in the sense of sexual equality. But 'good' in the sense that he won't walk into his mother's house to be told that his daughter owns everything, because he has landed himself in Askaban." He said smoothly, but sounding distracted.

"Mrs. Black didn't know about her."

"You know that magic has its own means sometimes. Especially with property."

"He won't go there." The image of the waxy-skinned man danced in front of my eyes.

"Why are you so sure?"

"Because he hated them." I retorted grimmly.

"Do you have any idea why he escaped?"

"Me?! No. I've been racking my brain the whole day, but no. But to my opinion it comes down to two options: Either he found out about Adhara or the Dark Lord must be calling."

"He is not 'calling' the others of us at any rate. But if Black was his right hand, he might have a special connection to him or something…" He paused, seeming to think. " And how should he know about Adhara?"

"No idea." I shrugged. "Maybe they have a special connection, too."

Severus made a face. "You are not serious."

I laughed. "No, I am not."

"Situation is a little too severe for your jokes, you know?" He sneered.

"Sorry." I grinned. How could we be talking like this now?

"What could he be up to?"

"I don't know!" Did I ever know what Sirius Black was up to? So I suggested: "Maybe he just wanted to be free?"

"It's not like you are snoozing under the loving care of the Dementors for twelve years, then get up and decide to leave. No one ever escaped there. The Dementors are supposed to destroy your soul. You should not even be able to think anymore! But Fudge told us today that Black seemed to be completely unaffected. He must posses powers so dark he could be the Dark Lord himself."

Did he just sound envious? I looked up at him.

"Well, then one thing is for sure. He IS a Death Eater."

"We all agreed on this point ages ago. But escaping from Askaban? I wouldn't know how to do it." This time his voice sounded admiring for real.

"Do you think the Dark Lord would be able to?"

"There would never have been the need for him to escape from a prison. Who would have been able to imprison him?"

"They imprisoned Sirius."

"Because he is a madman, laughing his ass off, waiting for the Aurors. Any other idea?"

I shook my head.

"Well, let me enlighten you. The Dementors told us that he has been talking in his sleep. He kept repeating the words: 'He is in Hogwarts'."

"He? You? Dumbledore? My gosh- Harry?"

"I see we are thinking along the same lines."

"But Harry is in his third year. Why now?"

"I am not a madman, I wouldn't know."

"Maybe the Dark Lord can only come back if Harry is dead? And they had to wait for twelve years for some wicked magical reason?"

Severus snorted. "Wicked magical reasons. Alas, we have no idea. But nobody is supposed to know that we assume he is after Potter. Is that understood?"

"Absolutely, Professor."

He suddenly changed the topic:

"Where is Adhara?"

"She spends the night with a friend of hers, Yvette. Just a few houses from here."

"You used the spell that shows you if she is in danger?"

"Sure."

"Don't booze up. The best spell is worth nothing if the caster has passed out."

He suddenly kissed my forehead. "See you." And with that he was gone.

I picked up the _Daily Prophet_, looking properly at the picture for the first time. His face was like a skull, he might as well have been dead if it hadn't been for his eyes. His vivid grey eyes. I hadn't seen these eyes for eleven years, nine months and eight days.

.


	25. Aspiration

**Chapter 25**

**-Aspiration-**

I had to endure these eyes every day for the next weeks. Every day his face was on front page. He was so pale and skinny, not looking like himself anymore. I sighed and put the newspaper down when I saw Severus approaching. He looked ready to eat someone alive.

"Now what's wrong with you?"

"Dumbledore is a maniac." He leaned against the balustrade, arms crossed.

"Don't you say? This thought clearly ever crossed my mind."

"You know who is going to be the next DADA teacher?"

"Not you."

"Haha. You are so funny sometimes. He will never give me this job. He is too afraid that he might loose me after a year. But instead he decided to make a choice that makes me want to resign immediately…"

"Don't keep me in suspense."

"Remus Lupin."

"Moony?" The person Sirius pretended to suspect as the spy. "Why him of all people?"

"Maybe he thinks Potter needs the last of his Daddy's pals around him."

"Don't be ridiculous. Harry cannot even remember him. What did Lupin do all these years?"

"I don't know. Something wicked I am sure. Him being a- do you know by any chance what he is? Did your dear friends and lovers ever tell you?"

"Tell me what? What is Remus, except a friend of Sirius?"

"Worse than that."

"What?"

"A werewolf."

"Are you kidding me?!" I was flabbergasted.

"Never I do. Didn't you realize that he was ill every month?"

"He was not exactly my friend. I only met him every two month or something."

"Well, that's what he is. And your friend Black here-" he tipped on the picture "once wanted to play me a trick and lured me to this beast when he was transformed. But luckily, Potter got cold feet and stopped him just in time. Or I would be dead."

"Lily told me the story. Sixth year, right? But she said nobody ever knew what exactly happened that night. They wanted you to meet a werewolf? You must be kidding."

"Dumbledore made me promise never to tell." His black eyes glittered.

"One man, one word, hmm?" He leaned forwards, gripping the armrests of my chair, speaking only inches from my face:

"You are my wife and I think that I can trust you. Tell me if I am mistaken." His eyes glittered with fury. He pushed himself up again. "I will not tolerate this. Lupin is a danger for the pupils. And best friends they have been- who says that Lupin will not help Black to get to Potter? We have never been able to clear up the matter. Who says that Black and Lupin didn't work hand in glove? After Black was imprisoned nobody even made words about Lupin being a potential spy anymore."

"Dumbledore trusts him. So I think he will have his reasons, won't he?"

"You never know."

"You could give him a chance."

"You sound like Dumbledore already. 'He is not a danger, Severus. He was on our side all the time. By the way- I wanted to ask you if you could brew _wolfsbane_ for him.' Inept as he is, he is not even able to do this himself."

"Hey, this potion is new and incredibly hard to make."

Severus smirked. "Really?"

"I know- there is nothing you are not able to do. Except escaping from Askaban."

He watched me depreciatory. "I have been and still am working hard for my skills. That's why I am able to do all these things. I never strutted around with my friends, bothering other people. If he wouldn't have done so, he could brew it on his own now. But I have to cover for his lack of ability. He spends his schooldays mithering me and I have to help him out now. Looks like I have to take care for the bequest of each and every Marauder."

"Whims of fate. Brats and potions everywhere you look. Feel flattered- you backed the right horse. He needs you now."

"Now what's gotten into you? Your comments are not really helpful at all."

"All I am saying is that you will not be able to change Dumbledore's decision. And you definitely will not resign now. So why are you complaining? You should be happy. Two of them dead, one practically helpless without you, the last one on the run. You won, they loose. Lupin needs you now. Be a man about it."

"I don't want to be needed. Least of all by from one of them."

* * *

Week after week passed, but Sirius wasn't found. Adhara was in Beauxbattons now for two month. Severus and I had agreed that it would not be necessary to warn the Headmistress- Madame Maxime- about Sirius. I was glad that Severus shared my point of view, because otherwise I would have to tell Madame Maxime about Sirius being Adhara's father. And I wasn't willing to tell anyone.

My once vivid house was very quite now without my little madcap around. No laughter, no chaos, no bedtime-reading or snuggling with her till Christmas.

But her letters told me that she simply loved her school. She already made about half a million friends there and was enjoying her lessons. Teachers reported that she was very bright and eager to learn. My finger ran over the picture I had on my desk from her. She never caused any problems for me. My little darling. Her smile was so kind. But her eyes. I looked over to the newspaper, stating that Black had been sighted somewhere near Hogsmeade by a Muggle- published with a photograph of him once more. Exactly the same eyes. I shoved aside the paper quickly. She was my daughter.

* * *

On Halloween I was in a very wistful mood. I decided to light three candles: One for Lily, one for James, one for my old life. Severus wouldn't come tonight for he had to stay in school this weekend. I stared at the flickering candles and allowed all the old memories to dance through my head. Youth will have its fling. I smiled. It had been a great time. No matter what happened thereafter. Twelve years today.

Following a sudden impulse I grabbed my cloak. Though it was windy night, I took the candles and was on my way to Godric's Hallow. I wanted to bring Lily and James their candles. When I reached their graves and put the candles down, I started to cry horribly. I hadn't been crying for ages, so I allowed the tears to stream down my cold face, relieving me from my grief. How wonderful our lives could have been, if it hadn't been for Sirius. I blew out my last candle, the one representing my old life. This was history now. "Sleep tight, Lily and James." I left the graveyard.

I came home early the next morning. After the graveyard I had visited the Potter's house for the very first time since they died. I was shocked by the destroyed place.

Bathilda Bagshot found me standing there, crying my eyes out again. She had recognized me and invited me to a few of her horribly sweet liqueurs. We had talked (more cried) about the old times, till both of us had no tears left. I was tired, but still I hadn't felt that peaceful for a long, long time.

I was surprised to see Severus at this time of the day. He was clearly waiting for me. My heartbeat doubled. He had found Sirius and he had killed him!

Severus grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards him rudely.

"Where have you been?" He spat, his black eyes boring into mine.

"Godric's Hallow." Why on earth was he so angry?

"I was worried!"

"If I had known you would come, I'd have left you a message." I played him off.

"Did you meet with him?"

"Whom?"

"Black!" He shook my arm in a painful way.

"Are you mad?"

"I was afraid that Black has been here, too."

"Too?" I was confused, Severus was still staring in my eyes.

"He broke into Hogwarts tonight."

"What?!" I had to sit down.

"He wanted to hide in the Gryffindor Tower, but when the guarding portrait refused to let him in without the password, he destroyed it and buggered off."

"No." So it was true, he wanted to kill Harry.

"We searched the castle, but he was gone."

"How is this possible? I thought there are Dementors guarding the school?"

"We have no idea. Well, I have one, but the Headmaster doesn't want to hear it."

"Lupin."

"Exactly. I wanted to make sure that you are okay, but when you didn't react upon my floo-calls, I decided to come over here. Checking whether he has killed you here or you are just wrecked."

"Neither nor." I shrugged. "But how can he enter Hogwarts?"

"We don't know. And I am very sorry indeed that he didn't linger. I would have loved to butcher him. For it is twelve years now, he…" He stopped, caught a breath and looked at me.

"You've been there? I was wondering why your eyes are all puffy and swollen." He smiled.

"Yes, I brought some candles to their graves and met Bathilda…" Another tear formed in my eye. Severus pulled me close and began to kiss me real tenderly.

* * *

Severus had to stay in Hogwarts for Christmas again, but he would come for New Year's Eve. Adhara's Christmas present had been a broomstick. She had been beside herself. She loved flying. She was even thinking about applying for a Quidditch Team next year. Sirius had never been much of a Quidditch player. He had liked it, but he never played himself.

He had loved motorbikes, yes. I remember all these horrible bewitched motorcycles he had owned. I shook my head.

"What's up, Mum?" Adhara asked.

"Nothing." I sighed. "I am just sentimental because it is Christmas and I have missed you so much."

"Really? I have the feeling you are pretty worried for something all of the time? And Severus is behaving strange, too."

"Is he?" Better to talk about him than about me.

"Yes. He is in a very bad mood all the time."

"He is stressed you know. He is working too much."

Adhara looked at me skeptical, but didn't continue.

"Do you think they will capture this man someday?" She asked instead, pointing at the newspaper, showing Sirius' face again. My insides squirmed. How could I have forgotten to put this away?

"Most girls in school think it must be cool to be like him. Breaking out of a prison and be on the run you know."

I was shocked. "What pray-tell is cool on prison-breaking? He was in there because he killed a lot of people. How can you say that's 'cool'?" I roared.

"Mum? What's up with you?" Adhara backed away. I had been screaming very loud.

"Sorry, darling. But you weren't even born when this man committed his crimes. Those were horrible days. I have lost a lot of friends back then. I can't stand that you and your girls think that he is some kind of a movie star. He is a mass-murderer. And that's it."

"Did he kill friends of you?" Her eyes widened in shock. His eyes. I tried hard to calm my breath. I needed Firewhisky! My daughter thought of her father as some kind of admirably rough-neck.

"Indirect."

"Tell me about it." Her voice was interested.

I took a glass for my Firewhisky.

"I can't. I am sorry, but I can't. It has been too painful for me." The conversation about telling Adhara the truth came to my mind. What if one of her friends started to recognize the resemblance? No, he didn't even look like himself anymore, let alone Adhara.

"But Mom! He killed friends of you? I thought he killed Muggles?"

"Does that make a difference to you?" That would be clearly too much for me.

"I never knew you had Muggle-friends. Tell me about them. Where did you meet them?"

Thank Merlin, I just got her wrong. "No, those Muggles he killed weren't my friends. But he betrayed some of my friends so they got killed."

"How can you betray someone so that he gets killed? I don't understand."

"Just imagine you are playing hide and seek and you tell the seeker where the people are hidden."

"But that's unfair."

I had to laugh. "Yes, dear. That's exactly what it is. Especially when the seeker is not only seeking you, but your very life. So please, don't ever think of this man as a cool person."

"But why would somebody do this? Why does someone want to murder someone else?"

"I don't know Adhara. I never understood this."

"I don't understand this. Maybe Severus can explain this to me. He is always explaining things in a way I understand them."

"Why don't you go to bed now, darling? It's late."

She left and I my trembling hands found the bottle. This had been a close catch. What have I been expecting? She had no idea. Sirius Black. He is your father. Yes, he used to be very cool. Your stupid mother just didn't recognize that he was a Death Eater. Stupid Mom. You want to meet him? Well, no idea where he is. But mind that he doesn't know that you exist. Must have missed the opportunity to tell him. By the way- your step- father is going to kill him anyway, so you better hurry. I laughed out bitterly. The liquor burned in my throat. I leaned against the cool window. It was very cold outside. Why did he want James to be dead? And Lily? I had been true to Adhara- I had no idea. The sky was very dark. What would life have been for the two of us if he had only been true to me? Didn't he tell me about the Order because he wasn't really into it? I tried hard to remember what he had said back in those days. Would I have cared? My husband was a former Death Eater. I wouldn't have cared if Sirius had been one as long as he had been by my side. Maybe all these speeches were meant to trick me into admitting that I liked the Dark Arts? Would he have revealed his true allegiance to me if I had done so? And what if he would have told me what he was about to do? Why did he tell me that he was their _Secret Keeper_, he could have told me it was someone else. Did he really expect to get out of this with Dumbledore knowing his position? He did. Nobody knew that Harry would survive. But how would he have explained this to me? Never? Did he ever care?

"Sirius. Did you ever think about me?" I whispered, misting up the icy window.

* * *

The next day, Severus was there. I told him about the talk I had with Adhara the night before.

"Calm down. She is reading the paper in school, of course. But she has no idea."

"When she asked me what he did to my friends…Shall I tell her about Lily and James?"

"No, it's okay. She will loose interest soon, anyway. You know how little girls are."

"I hate him." I suddenly spat. "Is there still no trace of him?"

"We think that he might have sent a broomstick to Harry on Christmas."

"What?! A broomstick? Now what is this supposed to be? Making up for killing Harry's parents with Christmas presents?"

"We are checking it for jinxes and everything." He sighed. "I wish I could do more to find him. But he seems to be unlocatable. I would need more time to investigate. But I am busy at the school all the time."

"What about Lupin?"

"No, he had his full moon afflictions on Christmas. Merlin, how I hate the whole nine of them!" He snapped aggravated.

* * *

In February a letter from Severus arrived. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of January.

"_Princess mine,_

_last night Sirius Black entered the dormitory of Harry Potter with a knife. Apparently, he tried to kill Ronald Weasley who woke up and screamed so loud that Black fled. The dunderhead Longbottom ( I told you about this abnormally dumb person) wrote down all the passwords and left them lying around. Just great. If only I knew he would be coming…_

_As affairs now stand, I will never be able to leave the school again. We need to take care of the pupils, especially Harry. Black seems to be pretty determined to finish Harry off. _

_Love, Severus" _

I sighed. At least, I could be ironcast sure that he wasn't after me and Adhara. He was focused on Harry. He stayed in England all the time.

When I lay in my bed I started wondering why. Did he forget about me? Did he just didn't care what happened to me? Did he just didn't find me like Severus doesn't find him? And why was I thinking about it? I should be glad that he wasn't after me. Instead I felt disappointment. I know, I was beyond help.

* * *

Clot was at my house when Severus' letter arrived telling me that he caught Harry sneaking around in Hogsmeade. I will spare you with the details- you can easily imagine what this letter was like.

Clot laughed at Severus' style of writing.

"He is always so funny when he is really mad at somebody."

I raised an eyebrow. "I can understand him this time you know."

"Of course, he is right. But still…"

"How can Harry be stupid like this? Sirius is a mighty wizard and he is determined to kill Harry. How can he be reckless like that?"

"He is like his father I guess. Reading between the lines, Severus thinks so, too." She chuckled.

"I am not sure if James would have been that reckless."

"Now you are befooling yourself, Sadra. He would have been. Along with Sirius."

"But there has to be some Lily in him. He can't be all James." I sighed frustrated. Harry wasn't making it easier for none of us.

"Obviously, he is. But why is Severus raving about Remus like this?"

"He thinks that Lupin might be working hand in glove with Sirius."

"Him? No way!" She exclaimed.

"That's exactly the answer I would have given you when you would have told me that Sirius is a Death Eater." I sneered.

"But Sirius has always been the more ambitious type. Mad skills and everything, good-looking, adventuresome and rampant. That's exactly the type to do something completely unexpected. Remus is so down-to-earth."

"You will never overcome him, huh?"

"I really liked him. But- do you believe him to be Death Eater? For real for real?"

"No." I sighed. "I don't."

"Do you think Sirius will start looking for you after Harry delivers himself up?"

"Honestly, I have been asking myself this question. But I think he just isn't interested in what happened to me after all. He never really loved me."

"He did. I agree with Dumbledore on this issue! He loved you."

"Then why didn't he drop me a line?" I laughed.

"Maybe he doesn't know your new last name?" Clot's voice was icy.

"Clot, he isn't looking for me. He wants to kill Harry and I have no idea what he will be doing afterwards if he doesn't die trying. But it will not be me."

"I wouldn't be too sure if I were you."


	26. Cognisance

AN: The Sirius-free time will be over after this chapter! Please read and review!

**Chapter 26**

**- Cognisance-**

But weeks kept passing and passing. There were no more news or sightings of Sirius Black. Still Severus stayed in school nearly all the time. Since he found the Marauder's Map in Harry's bag he was sure that Lupin and Sirius were working together and tried to lure him out of the school.

I vaguely remember Sirius telling me about this map they had created in school, but to my knowledge Sirius had been pretty upset because he told me that this map had been confiscated by the caretaker ages ago and he didn't even get it back even after he had finished school. This- of course- was supporting Severus' theory. I was sure a teacher in Hogwarts would be able to retrieve the map from Filch and smuggle it into Harry's bag.

In May I intended to meet with Clot in Hogsmeade. Before it was time to see her, I visited Hogwarts on Severus' demand. It was the first time I had been there for nearly thirteen years. I stood in Severus' study, looking at the irksome glasses full of slimy items. He sat on his desk, staring at me. Something was wrong with him. I could sense that much. My finger ran across a rack, becoming grey from dust.

"You need to dust off." I commented my behavior.

"Why did you agree to meet her here?"

"Whom?"

"Do you always have to answer with a counter question? How many people are you going to meet in Hogsmeade tonight? If you didn't lie to me, there should be only one possible answer." His voice was soft, but I knew the danger was huger by far when he was talking softly.

"Clot." I nodded.

"So, why here?"

"I don't know, she suggested this place." I shrugged.

"Because Hogsmeade is so full of beautiful memories for her? She has been to Durmstrang, if I recall correctly."

"You do. I don't know why she suggested it."

"It wasn't more your idea to meet here? See if you will find Black? Or meet with Lupin? You haven't been here for ages. Why now? Don't lie to me."

"I don't want to meet Lupin, maybe Clot is intending to run into him somehow. I don't know. She used to fancy him and Clot is pretty persistent." Somehow I wasn't willing to tell him the truth.

"Especially since Lucius isn't interested in her anymore."

"I guess."

"Is she your best friend or what?" His anger became apparent in his voice. "What is it you want here? Don't feed me this story about your friend planning to bump into a former crush of hers accidentally tonight of all nights."

"It's childish, I know. But she overheard somewhere that he has an appointment in the Hog's Head tonight. And asked me to come." I admitted.

"And you? You are coming here to help her? Perfectly well aware of the fact that Black is running around somewhere here? And you are aware of the fact that I think that Lupin provided him access to this castle twice? Why on earth did you agree to come? I think you are trying to find him. Or ask Lupin for him. Don't think I didn't recognize that you are thinking quite a lot about him lately and why he doesn't try to contact you." How did he know?

I stared at the tips of my Gucci shoes, thinking hard. Why did I agree to this stupid plan? I had been too well aware of all those facts Severus just had mentioned.

"That's not true." I looked in his eyes.

"Lying sure comes easy to you. You don't have to take a breath, blink, nothing. Tell me, do you really want to draw his attention on you?" I heard Severus voice coming from far away. Yes, that is what I wanted actually. I wanted him to track me down. I wanted to hear the truth. I wanted to hear him admitting that he betrayed us and that he wants to kill Harry and support Voldemort. I wanted him to tell me that he never loved me and that he didn't really care for me all the time. Maybe I wanted him to tell me the opposite. That he loved me and escaped because of me? I was traitorous. I was disloyal. I knew. But still I had agreed to come.

"Well, I thought things were different between us now. But obviously he has some kind of power over you I do not possess. So go ahead."

I bit my lip. "It's not like that."

"Like what is it then? Enlighten me, please."

"I want it to be over. It cannot stand all these unanswered questions. When he was imprisoned I thought 'That's it.', when he escaped I thought 'It will only be a few days and then he will be dead or captured and that will be it', but nothing happened. He is on the run for nine month now, without me being any the wiser. I have to step up for myself, if I want to have answers from him. And now is the only time I might be able to get them."

I was not sure if my shoe tips had enjoyed my speech much.

"Look at me when you are talking to me."

I looked up. "Is this all you have to say?"

"If the things you just said are all you have to say to me, then this will be all I have to say to you." His tone was carefully plain.

"Severus, this is not a matter between me and you. Like it is not a matter between me and you when you kill him because of what he did to Lily."

"And you think you will succeed in finding him when I do not? Are you sure that you really told me everything about him I need to know?"

"I did." He looked at me, considering every word I had just said.

"I will refrain from killing him myself. I have a wife to take care of now. If he is recaptured the Dementor's kiss will be performed at him anyway. He will be worse than dead. And my family will not have to suffer from my revenge." His tone was light, casually.

But I got the message, of course. I was more important to him than the revenge he had been living for so long and now he expected the same from me. He should be more important to me than the search for my answers.

We looked at each other. Alas, couldn't he fight dragons or something instead of doing something noble? There was no way I could be going to Hogsmeade tonight.

* * *

I met Clot in London the week after my defeat in Hogwarts. Quickly I told her what had made me cancel on her.

"He is really wicked, you know that? He scares me. Why does he always know what you are up to? I will not be able to look into his eyes again." Clot shuddered.

"But tell me- did you see Remus?"

"More than that." She grinned. "We talked and had a butterbeer together. Actually I have to thank Severus for stopping you. I appeared five minutes after he was due to his appointment in the Hog's Head, strode past him and a guy I do not know and gave him a wink. The other guy left two minutes later and Remus literally flew over to my table with two butterbeers in his hands. Said he was really pleased to see me and everything. We had a nice chat."

"Well, that much worked out, huh? It's really amazing how you planned that one out."

"Nah, you know I am the best 'meet-people-by-accident'- planner. He asked me about you, of course. I told him that we have still contact, but that you live abroad. He told me to say hello to you from him and that was that. He didn't mention Sirius after all. I don't know if that's a good sign or a bad sign."

"Did he talk about his work?"

"Yes, quite a lot. But Black's inroads aren't topic talk of the day exactly anymore."

"Hum." I was disappointed to be true. I had hoped she found something out.

"We said, we'd owl and meet again."

"All right. Then you have everything you wanted, I guess."

"Always have, always will- but to veer off: I won a trip for two people to the Maldives. You want to join me? It's the first three weeks of July. First class, baby!"

I laughed. "Where did you win a trip to the Maldives?"

"_Witch weekly_. I thought every one knew that the bassist of the Wired Sisters dumped his last girlfriend on March 21st. That's common knowledge. But she was ugly anyways."

"Okay, I see." Clot and her gossip…

"So, what do you say?"

"That's in Adhara's holidays. I cannot leave her at home alone."

"She will be thirteen, I am sure she will be glad to be home alone."

"Right- until it's either breakfast time or the carpet just won't stop burning."

"Are you married or what?"

I raised my eyebrow at her. "I doubt that Severus will agree to babysit her."

"He is so selfish." Clot grinned. "Let's take her with us."

"I don't know. This might be mad expensive."

"Hello? Since when you are broke?"

"I will talk to Severus about this."

"Dear, now you don't sound like your mother anymore, but like my grand-mother. Ask your dear husband then. But he'd better say 'yes'. This will be not only ladies night, but ladies holidays."

* * *

To my surprise Severus was immediately agreeing to the idea of me spending my holidays with Adhara and Clot on the Maldives. I don't know why. Maybe he was planning to use his free-time to track Sirius down and hand him over to the Dementors or kill him 'accidentally' by himself. He wanted me and my daughter out of his way- that much was sure. Little did we know, that it would turn out to be unnecessary soon enough.

My living-room was chaotic. I had stuff thrown everywhere, trying to pack for my holidays. Would I be needing a jumper? The nights might be cold. But surely not cold enough for a mohair pullover? I sighed and slammed it on the floor.

"Sadra!" I jumped to see Severus' head in my fireplace.

"What happened?" I immediately knelt in front of my fire-place for his voice had been so very urgent.

"Black." He was panting like he had run a long way.

"What?" I gasped.

"I captured him, but he escaped."

"No." I breathed. "What happened?"

"He…"- His voice was shacking with hate. "He and Lupin lured Harry and his friends into the Shrieking Shag. I wanted to bring Lupin his _Wolfsbane_ because this stupid idiot is so fucking dumb that he forgot about it. They were all having a nice little chat in there. Black must have told them a crazy story: He is innocent. He wasn't the Secret Keeper but Peter Pettigrew and it was Pettigrew who killed all those Muggles, not Black. Harry and his friends attacked me, I was unconscious for a while, when I woke up again Lupin was gone and the rest was knocked out cold. I brought them to the castle and Black was to be handed to the Dementors. But he escaped on this ruddy Hippogriff. I guess that Dumbledore helped him."

My mouth stood open in horror. This story was not making sense at all.

"And Harry believed that Sirius is innocent?" My head was spinning.

"He did." Severus growled. "And I am afraid that Dumbledore believed him, too. He talked to him in the tower. He must have confounded them!"

"Dumbledore? I don't think that he is to be confounded. Didn't you tell me that he is a skilled Legilimens?" I felt that my body had started shaking again. Could this be possible? Sirius innocent? How? Why?

"What do I know? Dumbledore always loved his little marauding assholes. He is going to buy any crap they present to him." His voice rattled with anger and badly suppressed hate.

"But what if that's true?! What if he has been innocent?" I cried.

"He is not innocent. I will prove it! He was the right hand of the Dark Lord. He might convince a school-boy and a foolish old men of his innocence, but not me."

"Severus!"

"No! He is responsible for Lily's death and I will not allow him to get away with another of his fantastic stories! I will make him pay for all he did to her!"

"Severus!" I panicked, my brain was over-full with thoughts, emotions, fears. Peter? Could it have been Peter? Adhara! If he was innocent after all? Why didn't he come to tell _me_?

"Sadra, I want you to go to Maldives right now! I will make your excuses at work and bring Adhara to you. But I cannot guarantee for nothing from now on! The old fool might be senile enough for Black, but I will make him pay!" His face was white and contorted with rage. I have never seen him more repelling. With a whimper I backed away from the fireplace, I was completely unable to cope with the things I just heard.

"Leave tonight!" Severus roared, then I heard a pop and he was gone.

* * *

"He trusts him. Remus, Harry and his friends all saw Peter! He is alive! Sadra, Sirius is innocent!"

I fumbled with the straw of my cocktail. Clot had arrived a few hours ago, Adhara was with her. Severus had picked her up at the end of term and brought her to Clot. Adhara was in our little wooden house on the beach, sleeping for it was after midnight.

"And your dear husband was so nice to let slip that Remus is a werewolf. He will never get a proper job again! Severus is such a mean person."

"He is anxious because of Sirius."

"Anxious? Him? I've never seen a person less anxious, believe me! He is evil! And he has been a Death Eater for real!"

But I knew better. What would it mean to our marriage when Sirius was innocent? He had to be anxious. Clot was still talking, but I wasn't listening to her anymore. She had met Remus who told her everything first hand. She kept retelling the story, swearing up and down that Peter Pettigrew had been the one to betray the Potters and that Sirius wanted to kill him for this the day the twelve Muggles died by a course from Peter.

"…for the time…

"Clot?" I interrupted her.

"Hum?"

"Why did he not contact me to tell me the truth?"

"He has been living in the Forbidden Forrest in Hogwarts' grounds for Merlin's sake. He cared about nothing except Harry who was in peril danger because of Pettigrew! I guess he thought that you moved on. Which is exactly what you did."

"Is this an accusation, Clot? Are you blaming me now that I didn't keep faith in him? You of all people? Remember what you said in that fireplace to me the night they brought in James and Lily? He could have told me that he was not their Secret Keeper! He had a week time to tell me!" The last sentence was more screamed than anything else.

"I don't know why!" Clot snapped back.

"I would have gone any length to prove his innocence if I had only known." I whispered while tears started streaming down from my eyes.

"So you believe him? Him and Remus and Dumbledore?"

I slowly nodded. Severus' story was a spawn of his hate and his fright. I might not have believed it when it would only have been Remus to tell the tale. But if Dumbledore believed Sirius, it had to be the truth. I never liked the old men, but if there was one thing for sure, then the fact that Dumbledore was not to be confounded within seconds, not even by Sirius. Dumbledore had helped Sirius to escape and he had done so with a reason. But what would happen now? I greedily gulped some more of my cocktail. I had no idea whatsoever what step was to be taken next. Clot beamed at me.

"I knew you would come to your senses."

* * *

A few days later, I sat on the beach, listening to the eternal sound of the ocean. Waves would be licking the sand for ever and ever, no matter what would happen to me or my life. It was strangely pacifying. The moon light was glistening on the playing water, making the dark sea look friendly and peaceful. Clot had gone to bed what felt like ages ago. I sat there and drank, drank and drank more of these colored cocktails day after day, but I still wasn't feeling better or boozed. The soft, neat white sand ran through my fingers, a gentle breeze was playing with my curls.

I felt his presence before he even might have been there.

"You." I whispered.

"Me." He stated.

"What is it you want?"

"To talk to you."

"How did you know where I am?"

"Clot wrote to Remus."

I nodded. I should have expected something like this. I heard that he was moving towards me, I could smell the dirt in his robes, but lingering beneath this prominent reek, I could smell his scent. Sirius Black.


	27. Reunion

**Chapter 27**

**-Reunion-**

When he sat next to me, I kept my eyes closed, breathing heavy. I wouldn't be able to look into this haunted face that did not look like the wonderful face I had used to know.

"You are so beautiful." His astonished whispering voice complimented me.

I did not reply. What should I say? You are not? Being skinny and haunted suits you? I hate you? Die a painful death? Leave me alone? Did you ever really love me? Silence seemed to linger eternally until I finally gasped out:

"You said that you wanted to talk to me."

"I suppose that Clot already told you the story she heard from Remus?"

"Indeed she did."

"I am innocent, Sadra. I want you to know this. I did not betray the Potters. I have not been their Secret Keeper."

"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was all hallow, I would have to start crying any second, thinking of the night I had awaited him to tell him that I was with his child. Clot in my fireplace, Moody, the awkward questioning, Dumbledore telling me that Sirius had been the Secret Keeper. I felt how hate was taking over control in my emotions. He had a whole week time to tell me that they had switched!

He remained silent, I felt his gaze lingering on my face. I finally opened my eyes to face him. His hair was cut and he was freshly shaved. He was not as horribly skinny as he had been on the pictures in the newspaper, but he still looked pinched.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" I repeated forceful.

"I wanted to, but I never made it."

"I know that much or you wouldn't have spent twelve years in Azkaban! Why didn't you tell me? Why?" I hissed softly, reminding myself of Severus.

"The night we met at Godric's Hallow, we swore that we won't tell anyone what we just did, except you. It was my idea to make Peter the Secret Keeper. I thought that Voldemort would be coming after me anyways and that it would take him years and years to track me down for I would be in hiding with you. In case he found us, I hoped that he would spare you when he figures out that I was not the Secret Keeper and by that time he might have forgotten about little Peter completely. Pettigrew, the small rat in our group." He snorted.

"You would have gone into hiding with me, making me think that you are still the Secret Keeper?" I didn't want to know the answer.

"No. That was never the plan."

"But why didn't you write to me or something?" I pushed the thought aside that I could have written to him about Adhara, too.

"I wanted to tell you in person. This is not a thing to write in a letter." Right he was.

I laughed. "You better should have done so." So should I. This couldn't be the truth. Twelve years because he didn't drop me a line and I didn't either. This was far beyond irony.

"If I only knew then what I know today, Sadra. I believed that it would be of advantage for us to take Peter. I did not bargain on him being the spy."

"That much is obvious, yes." I spat.

"Since when are you sarcastic?" He frowned.

"Oh, let me think. I think it started the second Moody appeared in my flat, arresting me for conspiracy."

Sirius grey eyes looked into mine. The fire that used to burn inside these eyes seemed to be gone. For a split second I had to fight the impulse just to grab his neck and kiss him, make us forget what had happened and feel like we were in our early twenties again, the next second I was fighting the urge to slap him.

"What did he do to do?" Sirius growled. I shook my head dismissively.

"This is not important anymore."

"What did he do?" Sirius voice sounded dangerous, as if he was planning to get up and beat the shit out of Moody if he had treated me somehow inappropriate. This very second my hate took over- how could Sirius be talking to me like this now? He had been planning to live in hiding with me, hoping Voldemort would spare me, because he wasn't the Secret Keeper anymore, unfortunately he somehow didn't manage to tell me about his plans and now he was playing the hero! Why didn't he just tell me the second they had made this stupid decision?

"Whatever Moody did, will not be changed by you anymore, you know? Maybe you should have told me- or for all I care Dumbledore- that you were not the Secret Keeper! Then nothing would have happened to you or me! Why didn't you tell it to the Aurors who captured you? Why not to Crouch? Damn, Sirius! Why not?"

"I was too shocked." His voice became louder, too. "Baby, I just found out that Peter betrayed Lily and James! And it had been me to suggest this little son of a bitch as their new Secret Keeper! I felt uneasy that night. I wanted to check if Peter was okay before I came to you. When I found his hideout empty, without a sign of a fight or anything, I knew this would end up in murder. I wanted to check on James and Lily then, but all I found were their bodies in a ruin! I left Harry in Hagrid's mercy for Dumbledore wanted it this way and knew I wouldn't be sleeping again until Peter was dead. I found his traitorous ass in no time but when I was about to kill him, he started accusing me, cut off his finger, used a curse he shouldn't even have the power to master, transformed and was gone! Him! Little Peter Pettigrew got the better of me, Sirius Black. I started laughing for I had no idea what just had happened. When they found me, covered in blood and peaces of all those dead Muggles, my nerves were gone. I couldn't stop laughing. I had to think about you, Lily and James, Harry. At that point I was still sure that my innocence would be proven in no time, but it never happened. I was brought to Askaban and that was that."

"Why didn't you ask Dumbledore for a visit? Why didn't you tell Crouch? You just sat there and said nothing!"

"I knew they wouldn't believe me. I heard all those ruddy Death Eaters coming to prison talking about what the outside world thought I did. I heard that you had vanished, I was afraid you might be dead. There was no sense in talking to anyone anymore. I practically killed James and Lily, I was responsible for twelve dead Muggles, for your disappearance. Didn't I deserve to be there?"

"Is that the question?" I shook my head. "Why didn't you tell anyone? I would have done anything to prove your innocence. Why not Dumbledore? Before you took off to hunt Peter down you could have told me…" I was more talking to myself.

"Baby…" He took my hand into his. It felt bony, aridly and weak. It felt unlike him.

"Don't." I whispered, shaking his hand off. He couldn't just call me 'baby' like in old times, making me feel like I still belonged to him after all he had done to me. It was all his fault. There wasn't even a proper reason for not telling Dumbledore. It was their boast all over again. They all had been much too clever and far too crafty to make a mistake. My life had been destroyed by their over-fed egos. I felt sick.

"Please, Baby…" He put his arm around my shoulder. I shook him off.

"Why didn't you tell Dumbledore? He could have prevented this!"

"We…I don't know. There was never an opportunity."

"No opportunity to tell him? He is butting in everywhere! There is no way there was no opportunity to tell him that you switched in seven days time! You could at least inform him that you weren't the keeper after you met Hagrid!"

"Dumbledore was busy and…"

"BUSY?? Too busy to listen to you? To James or Lily? Don't make a fool of me!" I screamed on top of my voice.

"Sadra…"

"WHAT? Did you suspect him to be the spy? What on earth was it? Don't you dare to lie to me now!"

"It's easy to judge now. We thought it would be okay to tell him when we met next time. I thought I would have plenty of time to tell you, too."

I jumped to my feet, wanting to kick a good amount of sand into his dumb face.

"And now…" I wasn't able to breathe properly no more. "Now you come here after you have been on the run for more than a year to tell me you _missed out_ on telling Dumbledore or me? Do you have the slightest idea what you did to me? To my life? FUCK YOU!"

He got up, too. "Do you know what I did to my own life? Hell, do you think I wanted it to be this way? Do you think I liked it this way? Being locked up for nearly twelve years? I wanted to be with you, I wanted to marry you! I wanted to have a family with you."

The thought of Adhara struck me.

"You got what you deserve, fucking asshole!" My voice screeched like the starting engine of a jet fighter. How I wished I hadn't forgotten my wand in the house again. I would have killed him on the spot. If he would have been a traitorous Death Eater at least! I would have been able to cope with that, but not with this. Not with this!

"Sadra. I will not allow this! Merlin, I love you! I loved you each and every second of those years! I could have killed myself when I came to my senses. When I heard that you had disappeared! What do you think it felt like for me?"

"Are you asking for sympathy now?!" I roared.

"No. Never. I ask for your forgiveness. I did not hurt you on purpose. Kiddo, if I had known what would happen- do you really think I would have not told you that we switched on the spot? I fucked it up."

"And what did you think? 'Remus is the spy? I have no evidence whatsoever, but it is him. So let's just switch to someone else- someone not half as decent as Remus and not immediately tell Dumbledore?' Are you loco? You fucked up- damn right you are- you fucked up! For real-for real! " My voice had reached a level only bats would be able to hear. I stared at him completely aghast.

"Baby…"

"No! Don't you dare to call me your baby ever again!"

"But…"

"But my ass!" I yelled and tried to slap him in his stupid face. He avoided my hand, making me loose control completely. I tried to hit him, I wanted to hurt him, making him pay. He destroyed my life! Listening to Dumbledore's orders as cool as you please after he found Lily and James and not telling Hagrid or Dumbledore what had happened! I knew that I didn't stand a chance against him when it came down to physical power, but I didn't care. Of course, I had never been quick enough for him. In no time, he caught hold of my wrists. I felt his strength, the warmth of his fingers.

I don't know how or why, but I found myself crying in his arms harder than ever. My life, my love, my daughter- for no reason at all she didn't have a father. How could this have happened? How could he have let this happen? Why didn't he tell anyone? How could I have ever lost faith in him of all people? I SAW him with James, Lily and Harry. How could I ever think that he could have done this to them? If I only would have had the opportunity to look into his eyes once! But Moody, Dumbledore, they had all been so convenient! They thought it possible. But how could I? I can't tell you whom I hated more- him or myself.

"You could at least have told me that you are an _Animagus_." I sobbed. "Maybe I could have put two and two together and help you."

"I fucked it up, Baby. I completely fucked it up. There is no more I can do except being men enough to come here and to tell you in person what happened and beg for your forgiveness."

He looked into my eyes again. I couldn't help it. I had never been able to withstand his animal magnetism. A look into his grey eyes was enough to disarm me completely. His hungry mouth found mine and my mind was gone. I can't recall if we have been kissing for hours or seconds, when he drew me under his cloak and started to thrust into me with a force which was as agonizing as it was exquisite.


	28. Confessions

AN: Thanks for your reviews! To answer the question why Sadra married Snape (why do most of you hate him?): She does kind of love him and she is impressed by his skills and by the fact that he has it always his way. Now that Sirius is back she gets confused, because she had mad love for him. And being one of those people who are unable to check themselves she starts messing up. I hope you will like this chapter and will review diligently!

**Chapter 28**

**-Confessions-**

I woke with a start. The early morning breeze on the beach was chilly. I was wrapped in Sirius' cloak, he was sitting next to me, looking at me with eyes full of love.

"Sirius." I whispered, reaching out for his face.

"Shhh, don't. Let me look at you. I missed looking at you when you are sleeping." The tenderness in his voice made me sick. What did he expect now? What did I expect now? I felt sick and started shivering lightly. He drew me into his arms, whispering in my ear:

"How I love you."

"Sirius…"

"Don't speak." He started kissing me again. I had to tell him about Severus, about Adhara. But I couldn't do it now. Now I wanted to feel him, to be with him, I needed him so badly. I just wanted to stay on this beach for ever and ever, our bodies entwined, united in eternity.

* * *

The sun came up slowly. I lay in his arms, he was playing with my hair.

"Sirius. I have to talk to you." My bad conscience made my insides squirm. What did I do? I cheated on my husband. My very dangerous husband who was holding his pride above everything else. I would not be getting out of this alive. But I didn't deserve to either.

Sirius was breathing uneasy.

"I don't think that I want to hear whatever you will tell me."

"I am married."

"I know."

"How do you know?" His fingers ran down my arm, taking my hand, entwining his fingers with mine, holding them up to my eyes. Severus' ring.

He looked into my eyes. "Do you love him?"

I was not sure if he knew who he was talking about.

"He is a precious person." My voice was pressed.

"Will you get divorced for me? " He grinned at me, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"This is not as easy as you might think."

"Who is he?"

He didn't know.

"You know him." Sirius looked at me questioningly, one of his eyebrows raised.

This would be horrible. How I wished that the last twelve years would never have happened.

"Who is it?" Sirius pushed.

"Severus Snape."

Sirius instantly backed away from me, staring disbelievingly.

"You married Snape of all people?" He was bewildered, his voice harsh.

I slowly nodded. "Of all people. Yes."

"But you just slept with me." Did he think I hadn't recognized what I had been doing?

"Indeed I did." I said quietly.

"Do you love him?" His eyes were sad.

"I do." I confessed for it was the truth. It was not this Sirius-kind of love, but it was a stable and good feeling of respect and trust. The term love was filled better by far with this feeling than with the lunacy Sirius and me used to call love.

"You did not choose him to piss me off by any chance?" Sirius sounded aggressive now.

"No." I felt my temper rising immediately, too. "I chose him because he took care of me when no one else did."

"He took care of you? Don't give me that rubbish. This sounds like _Snivelly_ indeed. The second I was sent to Askaban he sneaks to you and takes care of the weeping willow. Oh yes! Must have been the best hour of his measly life. Getting my woman!" He was already yelling.

"I don't want to disappoint you, but when we married you were in Askaban for six or seven years already!" I shouted back.

"Why him? You know that he is a little, slimy…"

"Don't talk about him like that! He is my husband."

"Why are you sleeping with me then?"

"People tend to make mistakes sometimes." I spat and got up.

Sirius grabbed my arm. "Don't go! Don't leave me again!"

"I am married! I just cheated on my husband! What do you expect me to do?" Again my voice was shrill. I had really forgotten how it was to be with Sirius.

"What? What is it you will do now? Go home to _Snivelly_ and confess? Then continue pretending you love him when you don't?"

"What do you know?" I screamed.

"I know that you love me! I might have been in Askaban for twelve years but I surely did not forget how your love feels!"

"You mean how my body feels!"

"No- I meant what I said! Your body is none of my concern for you gave it willingly to this…but I know he never truly possessed your heart!"

"Sirius! What is it you want from me?"

He pulled me close surprisingly quick. "Stay. Just stay!"

I tried to free myself. "Sirius, this is not all you have to know."

He laughed bitterly. "Whom else did you marry?"

"This is not funny. I have a child." His grip slackened instantly.

"You have his child?" My gaze lingered a fraction of a second too long on his eyes. I was tempted to say 'yes', but I held my tongue. I turned my back on him.

"Whose child is it?" His voice was shaky.

"Yours." My whisper was so small, I was not sure he got me. I turned to face him again. He stood completely motionless. "You have a daughter."

"How can I have a daughter?" Now it was my turn to laugh.

"How? Well, think about it. Careless as you used to be about contraception."

"You have been pregnant?" He sat down, looking up at me.

"Yes." I slipped in the sand next to him.

"Fuck." He took his face in his shaking hands. "Tell me you are lying."

"No. It is the truth. I…I poured my potion away…after we…made up. I wanted to fulfill your wish. I wanted to tell you on Halloween." Now I was crying.

"No." He shook his head. "Please not." I stared at him. He was rubbing his face, I saw tears in his eyes. "Please not. You were expecting my baby and I…I wasn't there. Why didn't you owl me?"

"There are things you do not tell in a letter, right?"

"How old is she?"

"She will be thirteen in two weeks."

"Thirteen. My gosh. What is she like? Is she…Merlin, I have a child. My daughter. What's her name? Is she…where is she?"

"She is over there in our house." I laughed. "I named her Adhara." He was just staring at me so I added: "She has your eyes."

"Adhara." He repeated dully. "My daughter." His eyes suddenly shined with happiness and pride, the haunted look was gone and it seemed like a new light had been ignited in them.

"I want to see her!"

"Sirius! She does not know you and she has no idea who you are! She only knows you from the papers!"

"You didn't tell her that I am her father?" He was immediately angry again. "Does she think she is fathered by this ugly git?"

"She thinks that her father abandoned me when I was pregnant, which is pretty close to the truth, you know? And yes, I didn't tell her that you are her father for you were in prison for murder! Do you want me to tell her that?"

He moved uncomfortably. "No. Yes. No. I mean…but the others?"

"I told them the same story. There are two persons on this planet who know that you are her father. Clot and Severus."

"Does he treat her good?" It took a great deal of strength for him not to insult Severus again.

"Very good. She really loves him."

He laughed bitterly. "Isn't that ironic? He stole so much from me. My own child."

"He didn't steal anything, Sirius. It was you who was not there."

"I want to see her. Please Sadra. I need to see her!"

"I can't tell her that you are her father, don't you see?"

"Why not? I am innocent!"

"I…I…just can't. I can't tell her now that I have been lying to her from the day she was born." I stammered.

"Let me see her!" He begged. "I need to see her."

I panicked. What should I do? I needed a war council with Clot.

"Meet me here tonight at eleven. I will think of something."

* * *

When I came back to our little house, Adhara was already awake. She sat on the floor, reading in one of Clot's horrible gossip rags. She sat, her legs crossed, her hair falling over her shoulder, tall and slender, lightly tanned already. I could have cried at her very sight. My baby girl. If you only knew…

"Mom?! Did you sleep on the beach?" She shrieked.

Hardly sleeping. "Yes, I felt like doing so."

"You are losing it, right?"

"Not hardly." I smiled.

"Mom, you become crazier and crazier every day. When I said that I wanted to sleep on the beach, you said, this would be too cold and too dangerous. Now look at yourself."

This very moment Clot appeared. One look at my face told her everything she needed to know.

"Adhara, Mums need a little fun every now and then, too. And she can _protect_ herself from harm." Clots lips were slightly curled.

"Hey, but you are known to be the crazy one, while Mum is supposed to be the stuffy one."

Clot and I were laughing.

"Well, well. Still waters run deep." Clot commented.

"You are both mental, and that's it. Can we have breakfast now? I am starving."

* * *

I couldn't wait to tell Clot about last nights events, but we had to wait until Adhara vanished in the direction of the beach to meet with some other teenagers for a game of beach volley.

I watched her running away through the hot sand, so full of the life her father had once given to her.

"So you met him." Clot started.

I turned to face her. "I did." I couldn't help smiling.

"I wrote to him after you finally managed to see the truth. He was already searching for you."

"Thank you so much, Clot. This way I have the opportunity to control matters. Imagine he just ran into Adhara or Severus."

"Did you tell him?"

"Yes."

"What does he say?"

"To which matter?"

"Adhara."

"He wants to see her."

"Can't blame him for that."

"No. But I have to think about something now. Adhara thinks that he is a dangerous murderer and by no means I will tell her who he really is to her."

"We can tell her the truth. That he is innocent and will be hiding here with us now- as an old friend of yours for all I care."

"Will he be hiding here?"

"Why not? He needs a place to rest his head at. Why not with us?"

"And see how Severus will take this?"

"What the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over."

"But what if she tells him? Adhara loves Severus like a father. I am sure she wants to tell him about this."

"Hum, I am sure we can talk her into not writing to him. Let me think of something. She usually listens to me. But Severus ought to know, too. Pretending that Sirius is a murder when he is not, will not work forever. Not even for Severus."

"I think he knows the truth, he just doesn't want to accept it. He hated the wrong person for twelve years. And he loved hating Sirius for he is a much better target than little half-assed Peter Pettigrew."

"Did you sleep with him?"

I blushed. "I…I just couldn't help."

"Oh dear." She sighed. "You are not making this easier, girl."

"Clot. You have no idea. I didn't intend to do it, but there was no decision to make, it was more of a principle."

"Because you belong to him and not to this horrible bat?"

"I don't know."

"What will you do? Leave Snape?"

I shook my head. "No. I can't. I am in his debt."

"You have been sleeping with Sirius! And I bet you will do it again and again and again. And have you ever been able to hide something from this wicked man? What do you reckon he will do when he finds out?"

"Kill me?" I laughed weakly.

"If he has mercy." She retorted snappish.

"Clot, I know. I know that I am complicating matters unnecessarily. But… He is…I will not touch him again, all right?"

"Sure." She grinned.

"But first things first. And first thing now is the Adhara-matter. I will meet Sirius tonight, I need pictures of her. Do you think I shall bring him here when she is sleeping?"

Clot sighed, summoning her trunk. "You should be really happy that you have me. Foresightful as I am, I brought pictures of Adhara with me. Here. I think my selection is a good representation of nearly thirteen years living."

"Wow, Clot." I laughed at her admiringly.

"Yes, I am not only the show-stopper and the 'accidentally'-into-people-bumper but also your outer brain." We cracked up laughing.

"Bring him over here. She will be very tired tonight. And you know that she usually sleeps like a rock. He needs to see her." Clot's voice was serious again all of a sudden.

"Clot, will you take care of her if something happens to me?"

"I swear, I will."


	29. Nighttime

**Chapter 29**

**-Nighttime-**

I stood on the beach, looking at the twinkling stars. It was still very warm. Adhara had indeed been very tired, she had been playing and raging all day. I knew that this would stop all too soon. She was already beginning to curve and become a woman. This would be the last summer she would be my blithe little girl. Sirius had missed everything…

I saw him approaching. My heart made a jolt at the very sight of him. Whether it was from delight or fright, I cannot tell.

"Baby, you are so beautiful." He whispered absentmindedly, kissing my forehead. I knew him well enough to know that he had been thinking about me and Severus all day. About Severus raising his daughter, about Severus sleeping with me. About the fact that we stood with our backs to the wall. But like me he had obviously decided that Adhara was the most important issue.

"Where is she?" He asked urgently.

"Sleeping in her bed."

"Will I be allowed to see her?"

"Of course you will. Come with me." I gestured him to follow me. While I was leading him towards our house I had the distinct feeling that he attempted to speak for a few times, but I never heard a word coming from his mouth. I only felt his gaze lingering on me, burning like fire. Maybe he was hating me right now for marrying Severus.

Clot was awaiting us. She beamed at Sirius, I knew she had always liked him.

"Clot. Thank you." He kissed her cheeks. I was stung with jealousy for a second, but quickly reminding myself of the fact that if it hadn't been for her, we wouldn't be standing here now.

Sirius was uneasy when we sat down at the table. Clot had provided a late dinner and opened a bottle of white wine. I knew Sirius preferred red, but he didn't look like he was going to touch anything anyways.

"This situation is so crazy." He whispered. "I can't believe it. I have to sneak into this house like a thief to see my own child."

"Yes, it is crazy, but there is no other way. And will have to accept that, Sirius." Clot stated firmly. "The whole world believes you are a mass-murderer and a Death Eater on top of everything else. Adhara has been living a nice, peaceful life as the daughter of a rogue who abandoned her mother before he knew of her pregnancy. And she has a father now. You don't want to destroy this, do you?"

I simply loved her. She had the situation under control. She would not allow him or me to do something utterly stupid. Sirius looked up to her, shaking his head gravely.

"It's only…if I would have only known!"

"If Sadra only would have known…there is no point in complaining now. What is done, is done. There is no use crying over spilt milk. We cannot change it. Eat. We have a hell lot of pictures to show you."

Sirius stuffed some food in his mouth, but he was not eating with appetite. His eyes seemed to be searching for signs of his daughter. Of course there were a lot of them. Her bikini drying over the back of a chair, some of her books, a sketch block she had been drooling on, a pair of her shoes, hair clips.

"Drink." Clot advised him, heaving the photo albums on the table. I myself hadn't looked into them what seemed to be like ages. I stood behind Sirius, looking over his shoulder, feeling his tension as he started to flip through the photos. Everything was there- Adhara right after her birth, first smile, first yawn, first step. Sirius looked at each picture for an unnerving eternity. Clot drank the wine on her own now for Sirius wasn't touching his glass.

"Come here." He whispered when the first for him unknown person on a picture appeared, pulling me on his lap. His left arm was holding me around my waist firmly, with his right hand he entwined mine once more. I wasn't wearing my ring tonight. He used our double-hand to flip the pages. Clot watched us apprehensively.

"Who is this?"

"Madame DuPret. She used to be Adhara's childminder when she was younger."

"Why didn't you take of her yourself?" His tone was accusatory.

"Because…" It was quite an effort to control my temper at this tone. "I needed to earn money, you know. I was not able to live off from love."

"You have money."

"My parents are rich. Not me."

"Why didn't they give you money?"

"I never told them. I told you that Clot and Severus are the only people who know whose child this is."

"But you didn't even tell them that you were pregnant?"

"No. They would have known whose child this is. They were rather pleased with the fact that you turned out to be a Death Eater you know."

"But I never…"

"I know now. But they were more than glad to hear that you have been on the 'right' side all along. I wanted to spare my daughter with this."

"Did you hate me that bad?"

"I loved my child that bad. That's why I left and didn't tell anyone."

His grip tightened around my waist.

"How does Snape know?"

I sighed. I would have rather embezzled this part of the story. "Dumbledore thought it would be safer for me to live in Hogwarts for a while. Nobody knew if some Death Eaters might chase me and I had some kind of nervous breakdown. Severus found out that I was pregnant when he was examining a blood sample. Of course he was able to put two and two together. It was him who advised me to keep the baby."

"You have considered to…?"

I laughed bitterly. "Of course I did. Everyone kept reassuring me that you have been the Secret Keeper and the right hand of Voldemort on top of that. After all I had been through I didn't want to have her at all."

Sirius looked into my eyes, I saw how hurt he was. But I could feel no sympathy for him now. I've had to endure all of this on my own, too.

Sirius remained silent, turning the page. Adhara at the age of four, wearing one of those princess-dresses she wouldn't be caught in dead now. Adhara in London, watching the fireworks. This had been the wedding day of Severus and me. And sure enough pictures with him started appearing every now and then. The two of them bending over a book, both of them looking at something in the distance, Adhara asleep on Severus' arm.

I could feel Sirius' unhappiness at the sight of these pictures.

"Why is he doing this?" Sirius mumbled, staring at the picture. Adhara looked like a little angel, sleeping, Severus wore his usual black, his expression stern, but still you could see that he really cared. I just turned the page.

After we were finished with the books it must have been two in the morning.

"Let me see her." I nodded. Clot remained behind when we tiptoed to Adhara's room. I slowly opened the door, the smell of her sleeping body reached me. I could feel Sirius heart beating wildly. Adhara lay on her back, her black hair sprawled out on the cushions, her mouth slightly open. She looked so very peaceful, her breathing deep and steady. Sirius stood in the middle of the room, not moving at all. I saw his rigid face. Maybe this was too much for him. I looked at him. He came to his senses then, staggering towards the bed like a sleepwalker, going to his knees. His eyes were opened wide, his gaze inspired with awe.

"May I touch her?" His hand was horribly trembling over her cheek.

"Be careful not to wake her up." I whispered, perfectly aware of the fact that his touch could be lighter than a feather. He held her face in his hands.

"Oh my god." He whispered.

"Sirius?"

"Let me stay here! I will only watch her! She is sleeping!" He beamed at me, his face so full of pride. I had to refrain from laughing. His child was sleeping. Indeed?

"If she wakes up you must go, you understand? You will scare her to death if she sees you! I'll be in the living-room." He nodded, quickly turning to face her again, his smile so full of pride it looked almost stupid.

* * *

I went back to the living-room where Clot was halfway through her second bottle. I indulged myself in a glass of wine too and slumped to an armchair.

"This is so fucked up." I shook my head. Clot nodded deliberately.

"What is he doing?"

"He is watching her. He just found out that she is sleeping." I grinned.

"This must be so horrible for him."

Now it was my time to nod gravely. "Any idea what we shall tell her? I have not the heart to send him back to wherever he used to stay. Not now."

"Adhara will be cool if we just tell her that he is innocent and will be hiding at our place. Just tell her you used to be friends or something. She will understand that you didn't tell her until you found out the truth."

"But we have to restrain her from telling Severus. He will by no means be 'cool' with the situation."

Clot snorted in her wine. "No. Especially not when you are going to bed with Sirius on the side."

I stared at the wall blankly. "Indeed. But this will not happen again."

"I think she will hold her tongue if we tell her that Severus doesn't know the truth yet, but we will tell him a.s.a.p."

"I guess so."

"He will not show up here by any chance?"

"Severus? I don't think so. He told me something about a Tournament in Hogwarts next term. They have a lot to prepare. And he knows that this is supposed to be a Ladies Holiday. And it's Quidditch World Cup on top of everything else."

"Is he down for Quidditch?"

"Not really, it's more about meeting some of his… people. I don't think it might even be a problem if I tell him that we decided to stay a week or two longer. The only thing I have to think of is Adhara's birthday. I think he might come over here for it."

"Does Sirius know that he has been a Death Eater?"

"No. He suspected it all along though, but he doesn't know for sure. And please don't tell him or he will go ballistic again." She nodded. I knew I could count on her.

"And you? What are you intending to do?"

"I have no idea." I shrugged.

* * *

Clot fell asleep soon. I didn't feel like sleeping at all. I took my wine and sat down in front of our house. The sky was already beginning to change from black to blue when Sirius joined me.

"Do you have a cigarette by any chance?"

I threw my package over to him, and he sat down next to me.

"She looks like me." He sounded stunned.

"Don't be unfair. She is a girl after all." I mocked.

"You know what I mean. She is so beautiful. I can't believe that I missed her whole life. I can't believe that I have never been able to rock her to sleep or read out to her or…" His voice trailed away, he was inhaling the smoke, lost in thoughts.

"I wish it would have been different, too."

"And now? I mean- what will happen now? Now you know that I am innocent. Can't we become a family now?" It was a desperate question.

I lit up, too. "Sirius, I am married. I will not run out on Severus like this. He deserves so much better."

"But you don't really love him. You are thinking about coming back to me, don't you? I am your true man. You know it."

How I hated his horrible self-assuredness. "I don't know you Sirius. We have been together for about two and half years and that's nearly thirteen years ago now. Thirteen years is more than a third of my life you know."

"But you loved me. Think about yesterday. You love me."

"I got carried away. I…don't push me Sirius. This has been too much for me at once."

"And what about me? I have a child now all of a sudden. I want to take care of her"

"You can't. I told you."

"I will not allow you to leave me again. I will kill _Snivelly_ if necessary."

"I have never left. You left." We smoked in silence for a while.

"What now, Sadra?"

"Clot and I decided that you can stay here. We will tell Adhara that we used to be friends and that we just found out that you are innocent. We will stay here for two or three more weeks. You will not tell her that you are her father. And that's for it that now."

"This is more than I can ask for, I guess."

"Too right!"

He stubbed out his cigarette, looking me dead in the eye. "There is no way you love him the way you loved me."

* * *

I had sent Sirius to bed when the sun came up that day. Seeing that Adhara- meanwhile rarely but still- came to my bed in the morning to wake me up sometimes, I asked him to stay in Clot's room. She had a king size bed in her room like me, but Sirius just threw himself on the floor and was snoozing immediately. Clot, who I had woken up, grinned.

"He will never fall for me I am afraid." She yawned. "Now be a good girl and let me sleep. I have a terrible headache."

Though it was my second night with hardly any sleep I didn't feel tired. Maybe adrenaline just kept me moving. Thoughts were darting through my head, bouncing here and there but nothing wanted to fit together. He was innocent, I was married, Adhara. It was his fault. There might be things you don't tell in a letter, but being pregnant was definitely the better thing not to write in a letter. It is some kind of a sweet secret; you want to look into the eyes of the father when you tell him. There was no need for him to look into my eyes to tell me that they had switched. He had just been sloppy and reckless and careless as he always had been. Who would have guessed that there really had been things on this earth that might be able to stop mighty mighty Black and his fellows? He wouldn't have bet a knut there would be.

Yet I had been sleeping with him and I was feeling no remorse at all. Fear- yes. But remorse? True remorse? No. If Severus had been given the opportunity to be with Lily and he would have taken it, I would have understood him… Self-righteousness your name is Sadra. I would have gone berserk to be honest. But what now? Now times of blind passion were over and it was time to think again. I would need to make something up. Severus would call this my "Burke"-behavior. Settling matters within myself and expect that everybody else would be fine with that. What would I tell Severus? The truth was clearly not my favorite option.

I bit my lip, starting to prepare breakfast. It was very early, but what else was there to do for me? A restless witch whose world stood upside down suddenly and who had already made too many stupid mistakes in such a short period of time to ever find peace again?

* * *

Sirius and Clot were still asleep when Adhara jumped into the room. She was all bronzy and looked well rested.

"Woah, Mom! What's this? Pancakes, waffles, fresh rolls, muesli, scrambled eggs, fried egg and croissants with bacon? Will the Queen be popping in?"

She clearly woke me from my pondering.

"Morning, Adhara." I kissed her forehead. "Did you sleep well?"

"Perfect, though I dreamt I had a fight with Yvette and I felt so sorry afterwards but she refused to make up." She spouted, slipping onto the nearest chair. Asking what she had dreamt during the night was a ritual from my family I had adapted.

"Adhara, we have to talk." I sighed, crossing fingers that this one would work out.

"About what?" There was no fear in her voice just genuine curiosity.

"Remember Sirius Black?"

"Sure."

"There is one thing about him I didn't tell you on Christmas."

"What is it?" She seemed to be more interested in the food in front of her.

"He used to be my friend."

"What?" She looked at me with enormous eyes. "You have been friend with a mass-murderer?"

"No, it was before he became a mass-murderer. Or better said: Before I thought he became a mass-murderer. But now I know that I was wrong."

"Hold on, hold on. Try to make it nice and slow."

I laughed, she had this one from Clot. I sat down. "Adhara, Sirius and I used to be friends after I came to England. Both of us were friends with Potters and a lot of other people. You know that in this time the Dark Lord was reigning. He killed the Potters- our friends. We all thought that Sirius Black had been the person who told the Dark Lord where the Potters were hidden, but it hadn't been him. It was someone else."

Adhara frowned, eying me in thought. "But he still killed all those Muggles, didn't he?"

"No. He was intending to kill the traitor of the Potters, but he was faster than Black. The other man killed those Muggles and disappeared, leaving Black to be captured by the Aurors."

Adhara gave a laugh. "And you are buying this story? Mum, I ask you."

"I do. And I do it for a reason. It would take us too far afield to explain this to you now, but he is innocent. I know this, Clot knows this and a few important people know it."

"Why wasn't it in the paper then?" She started helping herself to some scrambled eggs she sloshed on a roll.

"Because most people do not know that he is innocent yet. And some people do not want to believe it, either." I was thinking of Severus.

"Why don't you guys just go and tell the others about the truth?"

"There are too few witnesses to support his story."

"Well, there are few witnesses for the existence of aliens too, but still a lot of people believe in them."

"Adhara, this is not a laughing-matter. Sirius Black is innocent but if the wrong people get hold of him he will be dead. The Dementor's kiss will be performed at him." I said urgently.

"What is this?" She eyed me skeptically, eating her roll.

"You know what a Dementor is, don't you?" She nodded. "A Dementor's kiss means that the Dementor is sucking our soul out of your body."

"Yerk!"

"Your soul will never find peace, even when your lifeless body finally dies from age. It is much worse than death."

"Why are you telling me this Mum?" Her voice was fearful now.

"Because he is here."

"WHAT?!" She shrieked, jumping up like she just saw a ghost.

"Shhh, don't panic- it's all right. Clot and I decided that he can rest here for a while for nobody expects him to be here of all places."

"But what if the Dementors come to us and kiss us?"

"Adhara, be reasonable. Look what they think Black has done. They were only allowed to perform the kiss when the Ministry recognized that they wouldn't be able to get hold of him. No one will allow a Dementor to kiss one of us. We wouldn't even go to Askaban. Least of all you for you are underage." Askaban. It was really the first time the thought crossed my mind that I might be arrested for helping a jailbreaker.

"What does Severus say?"

Dear- that she had to bring him up now! "He is one of those people who don't know yet about the truth! You must not tell him, you understand?"

"Mum, why does he not know? Usually, he knows everything."

"Well, this time matters are different. Adhara, you said that breaking out of a prison is beyond cool." She eyed me warily. "Did you or did you not say this? Now you have the opportunity to meet Sirius Black. But you must not tell Severus. Under no circumstances. I need to talk to him first. Then he will be okay with it." Severus did have a point- lying sure came easy to me.

Adhara didn't seem to be convinced.

"Come on, you don't want it to be your fault when the kiss is performed on Black because you told Severus about him and Severus has to feel all bad in the end, because he allowed to get an innocent man killed." I couldn't believe my own ears. What was I playing at? Frightening her with a mistake Severus might make. But it worked.

"So it must remain our secret?"

"Yes. It is our secret. Yours, Clots and mine. None of us will tell to anyone until I say so."

"Okay." Adhara was getting excited now. "But where is he?"

"In Clot's room. He is sleeping."

"In Clot's room, Mum? Are they in love?"

I laughed. Adhara's thinking was still very childish when it came down to things like this. She was using all the terms without knowing what the true meaning behind them was. Sure, she and her friends were fancying boys all day every day, but there was no real emotion behind it. Not yet. I knew this might change any day now.

"Who's in love?" Clot appeared, yawning widely. "Merlin, what kind of breakfast is this?" She literally flew over to the table, helping herself to coffee and croissants galore.

"You! And Sirius Black!" Adhara beamed, clearly feeling important.

Clot's eyes flickered in my direction for half a second. "So your Mum already told you that he is here?" Adhara nodded enthralled. "And you know that you have to hold your tongue no matter what?"

"Yes, Mum already told me. It's a secret between you and her and me."

"All right. And least of all you will tell Severus, okay?"

Adhara was very distracted now, clearly not thinking about Severus at the moment. "Yes."

"Good." Clot smashed sugar into her coffee. "Why don't you wake him up? He is not the best bedside rug I've had so far." She looked at me.

"So, are you in love?" Adhara was interrogating Clot overexcited.

I grinned, leaving the room. Let's see how you will get out of this, Clot. I heard her rather bored voice stating "Nah."

The thought crossed my mind that it wouldn't be a bad idea after all to tell Adhara that Clot was in love with Sirius, so she might understand why she wasn't allowed to tell Severus. But we could settle this matter later.


	30. Attempts

Sirius was sleeping when I came in, but the second my hands touched his face he was wide awake. This was one of these things about him- whenever he woke up he was just beautiful. His hair was ruffled, but sexy, his eyes were sleepy, but glinting and he looked more admirable than ever.

"Baby." He whispered, smiling drowsy up in my face. How could I not love him?

"Hey. Sorry, I know this was a short rest, but we are having breakfast and Adhara wants to get to know you."

"Kiss me."

"No, we…" Two of his fingers caressed the small area of bare skin between my skirt and my top, sending a tingling sensation through my body.

"Kiss me." He repeated, clasping his fingers to my skirt, pulling me gently over to him. We kissed slowly and playful, my good intentions immediately gone with the wind. His grey eyes were full of lust and his voice heavy when we broke apart.

"Let's have some breakfast." He easily got to his feet, dragging me with him.

* * *

I was the only one to feel the enormous tension inside of him when we approached the table. He was smiling light and casually. Clot faked some kind of polite interest in his coming, but Adhara stared at him in awe. I could feel the shock pulsing through his body when he looked into her eyes for the very first time.

"Hello!" Adhara's voice was friendly, she had never been one for shyness.

"Hello." Sirius sounded much less cool, taking a seat.

"My mother here-" she gestured in my direction with her fork casually-"just told me that you will be staying here with us and that you are not a murder." She really seemed to have an easy time talking to strangers.

"Uhm, yes. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For allowing me to stay here. And not thinking I am a murder."

"Not at all." She beamed. Clot and I exchanged glances while Adhara started to bombard Sirius with questions, he was pretty taciturn and merely focusing on her face. I could see that he was completely overcharged with the situation.

"Adhara, why don't you allow Sirius to eat first?" I interjected.

"Sorry." She was casting down her eyes.

"No. No, it's okay. I…I was just surprised. Yes. Breakfast with three young ladies is not exactly what I am used to anymore." I filled his plate with everything he used to like quickly.

"Did you get any breakfast in Askaban?" Adhara waved with her fork again, looking curious.

"No. There are no mealtimes in Askaban. You get food whenever someone feels like giving something to you."

"But that's horrible!" Adhara exclaimed compassionate.

Sirius looked a little too long at her, making her feel clearly uneasy. So she chose a change of topic:

"Do you want to come to the beach with me after breakfast? You could need some sun, because you are very pale."

"Adhara! He cannot run around in the sun like you. Keep in mind what I told you."

"But there are areas on this beach where are no people at all!" She exclaimed.

"But these are not the areas you and your friends are."

She looked at me reluctantly. "I just thought that he might like to get some sun after all these years in prison. I was not intending to ask him to play volley with us."

"You are right." He smiled. "I would love to get some sun, but I should try one of those lonesome places."

So this afternoon Adhara didn't join her crew again and went with Clot, Sirius and me to one of these extra lonesome places. We secured it with any kind of anti-detection spell we could think of and made ourselves at home on the beach. I dozed off almost immediately in the warm sun and only woke up when I heard Clot screaming and laughing on top of her voice.

Obviously she had been involved in some kind of water-battle against Sirius and Adhara for they all stood soaked wet in the ocean and threw water at each other. The sight hurt me incredibly. What kind of childhood Adhara could have had if Sirius had only been with us? Be it in hiding or not- he was a big child himself, but he would have made a perfect father and he could have given her so much. And why did he not? I felt nausea again at the very thought. A whole week. To tell me, to tell Dumbledore. After Sirius told me exactly about Hagrid this morning I was even angrier. A member of the Order, picking up Harry on Dumbledore's orders and what did Sirius do instead of telling him immediately what had happened? He leaves to kill Peter. He would have been arrested anyway. Vigilantism was not tolerated in the Wizarding World. He might have gotten attenuating circumstances. Did he ever think about me when he chose to go after Peter? He said 'yes' but his behavior has been a clear 'no'.

Now it was Adharas turn to scream. She was standing with Clot now after Sirius had thrown her into the water. Both started a vigorously counter-attack, driving Sirius out of the water. I saw him running towards me, I quickly closed my eyes because I didn't want to poison the afternoon with my brooding and my negativity.

Sirius shook his head over my stomach, making cold water drops falling onto me. I screamed out in faked surprise, reopening my eyes. I hoped the reluctance in them had vanished. I saw his heavy breathing, his already tanning skin, the sun reflected in millions of water drops running down his tall body. I instantly wanted him to kiss me, to feel him. Was it possible to love and hate a person that much at the same time?

He was smiling at me tenderly.

"I know I am repeating myself, but you are the most beautiful woman that ever walked earth surface. Will you come to the water? I need recruitment against them!" How could he be so lively and light after all that had happened?

"What?" He laughed when I didn't answer.

"How are you doing this?"

"What?"

"How can you be so…full of life and fun and everything?"

He frowned. "I am here at this terrific place, I have my daughter with me, I have the woman I love here and the sun is shining. What kind of an idiot would I be to start pondering here and now? This might be the best moment I can get in my life, so I will not ruin it. Come on."

He held his hand out and I took it. He was right. We might as well enjoy this. It would be all over soon enough.

* * *

His words were running through my head the whole day. 'This might be the best moment I can get.' His intolerable ease. Yet he was right. I might as well stop thinking about the past and the future. I had slept with him. I would pay for it no matter if I had done it once or a hundredfold. He had been twelve years in Askaban. Was it important to dwell about the reasons? How I wished to be like him- just chopping it all off and enjoy.

In the evening Clot and me fetched food from our house while Sirius and Adhara were collecting some wood for our barbeque-fire. We were all exhausted, but ridiculously happy.

"This is so much fun!" Clot laughed. "Sirius is just great."

Yeah, right. Great in fucking up…I would never be able to stop this.

"I only wish he would have been with us for the last twelve years."

"Sadra, come off it. There is no use in crying over…"

"I know. But somehow I can't forgive him that easily."

"This is not about forgiving. But what else can he do? Cut his head off to satisfy you?"

"For example."

"You are cruel. Nothing he can do will bring your last twelve years back to you. And they weren't all that bad remember? We had a lot of fun, too. Do not regret your own lifetime or you will end up like one of those old hags. Be positive for once."

I sighed. She was right, he was right. Still I wasn't happy. The last twelve years had been okay, but what could they have been like with him? It would have been so easy to avoid this nightmare.

* * *

It had been a wonderful evening, grilling meat and potatoes in the open fire, laughing, talking. Yet it made me feel melancholic, so I remained behind when Sirius and Clot went back to the house and brought Adhara to her bed.

The fire crackled in front of me. This is how it could have been. But it hadn't been. He didn't tell me and everything that happened, just happened. He had been in Askaban for twelve long years, I was married to another man. These were the facts. What now?

"A Knut for your thoughts." I winced. Sirius had just reappeared behind me, sitting down next to me, putting his arm around me, reminding me of Severus and the fake Galleon. I shook his arm off.

"Sadra." He looked into my eyes, his voice sounded hollow. "I know what you are thinking about."

"Well, it's not that hard to guess, I suppose." I snapped.

"Sadra, please. This has been the first day in my life I was allowed to spend with my daughter. Don't be like that. Believe me- you have no idea how much I regret what I have done." His grey eyes suddenly were full of tears and so were mine. I didn't refuse this time when he put his arm around my shoulder, drawing me close to his chest. I felt his tears silently dropping into my hair, his heavy breathing. This was too much for much, just as it was for me.

"She is so perfect, thank you. Thank you so much." He croaked.

So we sat together, holding each other, crying and mourning our lives. It might have been hours we sat like that. Sirius finally took a deep breath:

"From now on, everything will be different. I will hunt Peter down and force him to tell the truth. I will be whitewashed and I will be a free man. And I will live with my family."

"Sirius, you have no family." I was startled for my sentence sounded much harder than I intended it to be. Sirius looked into my eyes.

"I have Adhara. And I will have you."

"Sirius…"

"No." His face was rigid when he pulled me into a kiss.

"Sirius!"

"No, I don't want to hear this. This is madness. I don't know what you have been thinking when you married that git, but you belong to me and you know it!"

"You can't just show up here and expect me to jump at your command! I will tell you what I was thinking when I married Severus- I love him."

Sirius grinned at me as if I had just told him a lukewarm joke. "Sure."

"No, Sirius. You cannot shrug this off like that! He IS my husband, I married him with good reasons and I love him."

"Oh come on, nobody can love Snivelly. I am sure that even his own mother hates him!"

"Sirius, stop it!"

"What? Are you defending him? You really do? How touching! He is a greasy and slimy git and a horrible idiot and he is up to his eyebrows in the Dark Arts! I will not tolerate this person in close vicinity to my daughter!" He yelled.

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "You've lost it, right? This horrible idiot practically raised your daughter! He took care of her while you preferred to chill in Askaban for being too stupid to tell someone that you and James decided to back the wrong horse! Who are you to decide matters concerning Adhara? You are a stranger for her while Severus is her a father!"

"I will be a father to her! I am her father!"

"Sirius! You saw her for the very first time today! She doesn't know you, she doesn't know what you are to her! Please, don't do this! Don't do this to her!" Again tears started pouring from my eyes. Sirius immediately switched his mood, drawing me into his arms again, gently rocking me.

"I am sorry, Baby. Don't cry. This has been too much for me. My child, my own daughter. She is such a lovely girl. I love her, I love you. What can I do? I will not leave her ever again!"

Merlin, what had I expected? I shouldn't have told him. This was getting out of hands. Together we slumped into the sand, staring into the darkness.

"This is crazy." I whispered.

"No, it is not." Sirius took my hand. "It is easy. I love you, you love me. We will stay together from now on and Adhara will be with us. We are going to be a real family. We can have more children. Everything will be fine once my reputation is restored."

I shook my head no. No. No. No. Not like this.

"Don't you love me anymore?" His voice was close to my ear.

I stared into the red gleam of the fire. Did I love him? Of course I did. But I loved Severus, too.

"Sirius, it is not that easy."

"It is." He started kissing my neck.

"I need time to recollect myself. This is too much at once." I groaned, allowing him to continue.

"I will give you whatever you need." He murmured while he was undoing the first button of my blouse.

This would come to a miserable end.


	31. Serendipities

AN: Sorry, that it took me ages to update, but I have been working very hard at my office and there was no time left to continue the story! But now I am on holidays and the first thing I do is of course: writing. I will try to finish the story now during my vacation and post new chapters on a regular basis again. Enjoy this chapter and have a merry Christmas!!!!

**Chapter 31**

**-Serendipities-**

„You don't look too well rested."

"Ah, it's too hot there and…too much liquor." I laughed casually, hoping this might convince Severus.

I stood with my back to him, unpacking my luggage. I felt his gaze lingering on my back, burning like fire. Please, don't let him know!

* * *

The weeks on the Maldives had been as wonderful as they had been horrible. Sirius indeed had been living with us, playing all day with Adhara, spending the nights with me. I had tried to withstand him each and every time we ended up in bed together, I swear, but I just couldn't. We had laughed together, we had fought countless fights, we had been arguing in a circle, reaching no conclusion whatsoever. It had been like back in the old days, but those days would never return to us. It had been like being a family with him, a huge fake of a family we had never been. Still I hadn't been able to make a decision. What was I to do? What he did was beyond forgiveness. I loved him as much as I hated him. Why on earth didn't he tell at least Hagrid what had happened? Why didn't he defend himself? If not for himself, why not for me? How could he be so stupid? He just messed it up completely. Something Severus would never have allowed to happen…

Sirius had tried to push me all the time to leave Severus, but I refused to. Not like this. He deserved so much better. And was I willing to leave him at all?

* * *

"So tomorrow you will go home and play the devoted wife for him?" Sirius had asked in our last night, sounding aggressive, flickering his jawbones- a definite sign of his anger.

"We will see what will happen." I dreaded this moment more than anything else. But I couldn't leave Severus now. Not after all he had done for me, not like this. I loved him. I loved Sirius. I couldn't help it.

"Will you sleep with him?"

"He IS my husband, Sirius."

"And what am I? Your holiday flirtation?"

I sighed. No, yes, whatever. I had no idea who was what in my life lately. I am not asking for sympathy now, but being in love with two complete opposite men is not funny. I hated myself for ending up in bed with Sirius so often, I didn't want to cheat on Severus, but nonetheless I allowed it to happen.

"I have to kill him then." Sirius snapped. "I don't share you with him!"

"Sirius, stop it. It is hard enough for me. If he finds out what I did, I am sure he will kill me before you are able to kill him anyway. HE surely doesn't intend to share me either and he doesn't even know he IS sharing."

Sirius hit his pillow in anger. "What can I do? What do I have to do to make you leave this git for good?"

I shrugged. "I need time to think about this."

"What?" Sirius was on his feet in no time. "You even consider to stay with him? What is this?"

"Sirius! You cannot pop back into my once peaceful life and expect that you only have to snap your fingers and everything will be back in 1979! You spent twelve years in prison for no reason at all! I built a life out there! I raised your child all on my own! I found someone to take care of me!" I didn't scream the last sentence.

"Is it that what you need? To be taken care of?" Sirius spat. "You used to see yourself as so utterly independent, remember?"

"Right. This is going no where."

"Baby! I love you and I loved you for twelve long years! You can't cut me out like this! I am the father of your child!"

"Sirius, shhhhh!"

"You can't take her away from me! I need her! I need you!"

"Sirius, you are a convicted murderer! The whole wizarding world is looking for you! How do you want to live with us? Tell me!"

"I will track Peter down and I will make him pay! I will whitewash my name and then I will live with you and Adhara and Harry."

"Tracking Peter down doesn't seem to be that easy, hmm? Worked out pretty bad last time you tried." My voice was acid.

"I will find that rat and I will kill him!"

He had slept with me that night, holding me close to his chest.

"Don't allow him to touch you again."

When he was asleep I cried hard in my pillow.

* * *

So, here I was- back home, unpacking. Sirius had decided to stay at the Maldives for it was a safe place for him be. I had done Adharas stuff first, so she was able to set off to her friends saying hello and being out of my way. Though Clot and me were pretty sure that she wouldn't talk about Sirius. She really liked him and obviously he kind of let slip that he and Severus were enemies.

"I see." He said, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"Tell me about the riot again. Your letter was very short."

"That was nothing. A prank I would say." He used his wand to unpack my trunk, sending everything flying exactly where I wanted to have it. "Why are you wasting your time with muggle-unpacking?"

Because I can't face you. Because I hate myself for doing this to you. It took all my willpower to turn around. "I don't know."

"What is wrong with you?" His black eyes searched for mine, but I quickly looked on the floor. "You seem to be nervous."

"Just tired."

He stepped over to me, drawing me in his arms. I felt the power he was emitting, making me feel save and secure. Merlin, how could I do this to him?

"Get some rest then."

He gently lent me to the bed, sitting on the edge while I stretched out. There he was- all gentle and nice and I had to go and make a fool of him. I felt the urgent need to confess and beg for forgiveness, but I knew that was the one thing I would not retrieve from Severus.

I tried to close my eyes and steady my breath when I saw Severus touching his left arm. The very same spot the Dark Mark was.

"What is it?"

He shook his head.

"Why are you touching your Mark?"

"Why are you lying to me?"

"I…didn't…didn't..lie..didn't." Great start.

"You did." He slowly got up from the bed.

"No."

"People from the Ministry have been here, looking for you. They wanted to know where you are and if you might know anything about the whereabouts of Sirius Black. For you used to be his girlfriend."

My insides froze. What did he know?

"I told them that you are my wife and currently on a vacation. I told them that you surely have no contact to a convicted murderer whatsoever. Tell me- was I mistaken?"

"What makes you think…."

"Was I mistaken?"

"I…"

"You saw him, didn't you? Do you really think I cannot tell a hangover or tiredness from a bad conscious?"

"I really don't know what you are tal…"

"No, surely you don't." He smirked, turning to face me, his arms crossed.

"Did you really think that this would work?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did you really thing you were able to hide Blacks visit from me? From me?"

I knew not whether this was a trap or not. I tried to read in his eyes, trying carefully not to think about anything suspicious.

"You know your business, don't you?" He laughed.

I raised my eyebrows. Was he mad?

"Well, my dearest wife- your daughter doesn't yet."

"What did you do to her?" I howled.

"Nothing. I just used the opportunity of the little chat we had while you were unpacking her things to clear up doubts."

"Doubts?" My mind was numb. He had abused my daughter for his crazy mind-reading!

"Doubts, indeed. I trusted you until the second you came here, sneaking around like a little thief, not being able to look into your husband's eyes. Adhara being completely reserved- which is so unlike her. Never would I have thought that you met him! So I seized the opportunity- and what did I have to find? Surely you forbade Adhara to talk about him, but she doesn't know how to close her mind properly yet. "

"You abused my child to spy on me?" I roared.

"You made your child lie to me?" He hissed, his voice low and dangerous.

I bit my lip. What was I to say?

"You saw him! You know that the whole wizarding world is looking for him? Everyone from the minister himself down to the odd-job man in the Leaky Cauldron? And what does my lovely wife do? She meets him in her holiday paradise and doesn't tell a living soul except her faithful sidekick Clot, of course, and her innocent daughter. Endangering her child, her friend and herself! Making herself liable to prosecution! What you did is conspiracy! What did he tell you? Did he feed you this cock and bull story about having switched with Peter, too? The crab he fed Dumbledore?"

I felt tears dwelling in my eyes. Severus stared at me merciless.

"What did you do?"

I shook my head.

"WHAT?!"

With one step he was at my side, grabbing my wrists, dragging me to my feet. The tears started to stream down my cheeks.

No. Please, not like this.

"Severus, please…let me explain." I felt weak, I was too weak for this, I would not be able to hold him back, he already knew.

I looked up into his eyes, how I loved these deep black eyes. His face was white with rage. There was no sense in denying. He would find out sooner or later.

It took only seconds until his grip slackened, he took a step back, looking at me. His face was whiter than anything I had seen before. All I could see was bewilderment and hate.

"Whore." It was the merest whisper.

He turned on his heel and left the room.

When Adhara came to my room hours later, I still stood next to my bed, staring at the point where Severus had left my life.


	32. Subversions

**Chapter 32**

**-Subversions-**

„Still nothing?"

„No, nothing, nada, nichts, niente."

Clot shrugged. "This is strange."

"What? What is strange in the fact that he doesn't talk to me and doesn't answer my letters?"

I took a good sip from my Long Island Ice Tea.

Cloat and I had met in some stylish Muggle-Cocktail-Bar in London. It was October by then. Adhara had left for school again in September, being very irritated with the whole situation. She couldn't understand why Severus had left us and why Sirius wasn't coming to live with us. My explanations had been as feeble as me.

"Where is Sirius now?"

"I don't know. He has left the Maldives a few weeks ago, he wrote that he had the feeling he was being followed there, but I don't know where he is heading. Neither do I want to know."

"Sadra, be reasonable. He loves you. Go to him."

"No. I don't want to."

"Sadra, you will regret this. Severus is gone for good, so what's the point in not going to Sirius?"

"I hate him."

"You do not hate him."

"I do. He messed it all up. Look what's happening now! Look, what he has done to me!"

"You need two people to sleep with each other, remember? He has done nothing to you, you didn't want him to do."

I played with the straw. Sure, Clot was right, everyone was always right, except for me. I stared out of the window onto the street that glistened with rain. I had been sure that Severus would kill me. He would be out there- somewhere in dark and he would kill me. But not now, he would be waiting. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I sighed. He did not react upon my letters, my floo calls, nothing. I offered him the divorce, he didn't reply, I wanted to meet him, no reaction, I wanted him to talk to Adhara, no word.

Sirius was still on the run. I didn't tell him what had happened. I don't know why- I just didn't want him to know that Severus was gone. He would try to come and live with me. I wouldn't be able to stand this. Because of him and because of the Ministry. I knew they were keeping an eye on me. They came the day after Severus had left for another interrogation, I had been mad with fear that Severus might have informed them about what had happened on the Maldives, but it was just their routine. Severus was no snitch. He was a real man.

Clot finished her Planter's Punch with an unappetizing noise.

"You really should write to him. He will make you feel better, I am sure." Clot grinned dirty.

"Clot, the second Severus left my house I knew there will be no more Sirius Black in my life! This is not about casual sex and fun, this is about being a reasonable person."

"He was young."

"So was I!" I flared up. "He never trusted me. Neither with this Order-thing nor with their idiotic switch! He spent twelve years in prison for reasons only known to himself, breaks out and is on the run like he is some kind of schoolboy who sneaked out of detention! He asked me if he could come around and stay at my house when Severus would be teaching in Hogwarts again! Stay in my house! I ask you. He didn't change. He would make all his stupid mistakes over and over again. He didn't learn anything."

"How could he have learned in prison? How can you expect him to grow up in there and be a responsible adult?"

"How do you expect me to live with such a person after the only responsible person in my life just left me?"

"If you love Severus as much as you make it sound right now, why on earth did you sleep with Sirius? It's not like he forced you to do it!"

"No. I don't know. I loved him that much when we were young. I always thought of him as the love of my life. But I don't think such a thing exists."

"Maybe it does, but you refuse to see it."

Outside the rain started to mingle with storm, howling around the corners like haunted souls. I shivered. How bad I needed someone to comfort me.

And what if it had been Severus?

* * *

Christmas was very lonesome. Adhara decided to stay at her school when she had heard that Severus wouldn't be there to spend the holidays with us. I had written a letter to him, asking him to come for Adhara's sake and I offered him once again to divorce. He did not reply.

I drank some mulled wine, rereading the letter from Sirius that had arrived the day before:

_Baby,_

_I am so sorry to hear that our daughter won't be with you for Christmas, but on the other hand- I didn't spend it with my family too often either. Despite the fact I didn't like them at all (which is in your case simply impossible), it was more fun to stay in Hogwarts. ;-)_

_Harry will stay in school__ this year, too. It is Yule Ball in Hogwarts. I am so proud of him. How he managed to get past this dragon! Just like James._

_Shall I come over to your house? I am sure Snivelly will sniff around on the Yule Ball. I read between the lines that you don't think it is a good idea, but when I think of your skin and all those wonderful things I could do to you, I doubt that I will be interested in your opinion for very much longer. _

_Just kidding… _

_You know, somehow I love being on the run. All right, sometimes it is hard to get some food, but it is such a thrill whenever I do something against the law, like stealing or breaking into houses. I am pretty good at this kind of stuff now! You would be proud. No- you wouldn't. Seeing the lady you became, you might say that I am a reckless criminal. Talking about reckless- I love you like a madman. Please allow me to see you. I need to feel you._

_Love,_

_Scallywag_

I had to laugh again. He made me feel like I was fifteen again. "I am pretty good at this kind of stuff now!"- I ask you. Sirius was good at whatever he was doing. I put the letter on the table. Maybe I should allow him to come? What was the sense in dwelling over the past? I lost twelve years of living with Sirius due to his behavior, I lost my husband due to my behavior. Wasn't the time right to reap the fruit of our labor? I was alone, out there was a man who still loved me. Was there more to ask for? It would just take a few words, telling him that Severus was gone and he should come "to feel" me.

I took a quill, but as soon as its peak touched the parchment, I remembered those black eyes. I knew it, but I was afraid to acknowledge to myself that it was Severus who would have won if it still would have been my decision.

On New Year's Eve I started another letter to Sirius. I was drunk and convinced that I would be able to forgive him somehow. I looked out in the dark, frosty sky. This used to be my wedding day. I tried to recall the day of my wedding. The whole idea of being with Severus for reasons of safety, security and all this stuff. Two people who had lost their loves seeking comfort in each other or something like that…

It just changed. I remembered his black eyes, comparing them to Sirius' grey ones. Sirius' eyes were like a mirror of his soul, sometimes sparkling with joy or gleaming with lust, sometimes cloudy and sorrowful like a cold November day. Severus' eyes never revealed a thought or a feeling. They both were tall, Sirius used to be broader than Severus, but this had been before Askaban. His curly hair. I sighed. I was in love with the boy he used to be. The young reckless version of Sirius Black, but did I have love for the man Sirius Black? The man he was now? The hunted man who lied to me that much and who had messed up everything? Sure he was a beauty, sure his recklessness was still attractive, but what else? I had changed during those years. Did he change? And if he did- was it in a way which would allow us to be together?

Severus on the other hand used to have things his way. There was no way that he would have spent twelve years in prison. He was too smart.

A light breeze touched me, feeling like the slight brush of lips on my shoulder. A shiver ran down my spine. I was drunk and I was dreaming about lips to caress me, not able to decide if they should be playful like Sirius' or demanding like Severus', when I heard a light knock on my window.

Outside sat a little brown owl, looking like one of those from Hogwarts. I literally ran to the window, receiving the letter it had for me with shivering hands. It was Severus' handwriting.

_Sadra,_

_whatever Adhara has to tell me, be assured she does it on her own. There is no need for your letters concerning her, she is old enough to correspond with me. _

_Which brings us to the subject of divorce- you seem to be quite in a rush to open season on our marriage. I see no need for a divorce right now. Despite your pure-bloodedness my name might be the only thing able to safe you one day. _

_Severus_

I read and reread the letter for what felt like a hundred times. Why was my daughter keeping in touch with him behind my back? Why should his name make me safe one day? Why would he want to safe me in the first place? I quickly drowned more liquor to calm my nerves when I heard another gentle knock- this time from the back door.

Sirius stood there, grinning mischievously, looking buff.

"Hey, Kiddo. I was afraid you might never answer my letter." He pushed himself past me into my house, strolling through the kitchen right into the living-room, picking up my glass.

"This is a nice place." He smiled, giving me a wink.

"You are bold."

"Always have, always will."

"Severus could have been here."

"No, he couldn't. He has left you." Superiority appeared on his face.

"How do you know?"

"My daughter has told me." He laid a delicate stress on the first word. "And I wonder why her mother didn't tell me."

See, my daughter obviously was the one to handle my business now…I felt a short itch of jealousy, but shook it off quickly. Why shouldn't she be writing to her father or her step-father? She shouldn't be the one to pay for my disastrous decisions.

So I just shrugged. "Are you sure that this house is not under surveillance?"

"Pretty sure, yes." He grinned again. "If it is, we will flee together. I had few close catches during the last weeks. I am pretty good at narrow escapes now, you know?"

"Oh, Sirius." I slumped into an armchair.

Sirius lounged at my couch, looking at me with the familiar hunger in his face. "Come here." His voice was hoarse. I slowly got to my feet. Why not? For Merlin's sake? What was I waiting for?

"You look good. Why are you dressed that conservative?" I looked down my white blouse, the navy blue skirt, the matching pumps.

"Why not?"

"Because it is unlike you."

"It is like me. The only problem is- you don't know me. You know the person I have been thirteen years ago."

Sirius laughed, easily getting to his feet. "I definitely do not like the way this discussion is heading. Come here." He held out his hand to me.

His soft lips on my skin made me shiver in anticipation, this was not a light breeze but the real kiss of a passionate man. When his hands gently slid under my blouse to touch my skin in their firm way, I felt like floating. I needed to feel the hardness of a man inside myself, I needed the feeling of not being alone anymore.

I was not very nice with him that night and he answered to my nails with forceful thrusts, making me scream out with lust, but leaving me oddly unsatisfied.

Later, when I laid on his chest, listening to his calm and steady breathing, I thought to myself that this was a good way to celebrate a wedding day: Having sex with the mortal enemy of your husband. What a sweet revenge for five lines of utmost despite. Despite I had really earned.


	33. Valediction

* * *

AN: In case you all forgot- I'd love to have some reviews!!! Thank you!

**Chapter 33**

**-Valediction-**

I woke in the middle of that night, because Sirius was tenderly tousling through my hair.

"Wasup?"

"Sorry," he whispered "I didn't mean to wake you up. It has just been too long…for me without you. And now I can't be here next to you and sleep." His voice sounded distasteful by the mere thought of such a sin. I smiled and cuddled a little closer to the warmth of his body.

"So Snivelly left you?"

"Yes."

"Because of me?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell him?"

"No."

"How does he…?"

"Sirius, you said you didn't mean to wake me up- but now I will be not allowed to sleep anymore?" I saw absolutely no sense in talking about Severus now.

I could hear Sirius' smile in the darkness. "Not if I can prevent it." He whispered, bringing his head down to my breasts.

When we were finished it was already dawning. Sirius drew my body as close to him as somehow possible. "Baby, do you know what my biggest wish is?"

I shrugged and yawned. Being heavy with satisfaction and tiredness I was not thinking about any wishes other than sleep right now.

"I want to have another baby with you. And this time I want to be there all the time."

My body tensed. I would have to think of that potion!

He continued, obviously unaware of my reaction: "I want to see you with that pregnant belly, I want to feel my child kicking, I want to be there when it will be born. Hold it, wash it, watch it, anything you know?"

"Sirius, every child I would give birth to would officially be Severus' for he is my husband- still."

"I will marry you as soon as this divorce is through."

"And how are you supposed to marry me? We would need at least one official and I highly doubt he wouldn't recognize famous mass-murderer Sirius Black."

"Hmpf. I already told you that it's just a question of time. I will get that rat and I will squash it."

"Do you think they will charge twelve years against the verdict you will receive for killing Peter?"

"Either that or they will never find out it was me."

"Just great. And you are talking about having children. I ask you."

"You used to be more relaxed."

"Yeah, that "being relaxed" kind of vanished during those last twelve years. It would be a little cleverer to not kill Peter, but use him as your witness for the defence, you know? Telling everyone it was him who sent the Dark Lord after the Potters, being the Secret Keeper…"

"Oho, is it the Dark Lord now? Been spending too much time with your dear husband, hmm? Tell me- was he ever accused to be a Death Eater?"

"Dunno." For some reason I didn't want to tell Sirius the things I knew about Severus.

"Hear, hear. And what do you think, kiddo?"

"What am I supposed to think? I don't know anything."

"Aso."

"But you have to admit that killing Peter would be stupid."

"I promise to you, my love, I will not kill Peter before he whitewashed my precious name and if you agree to have another child with me I will abandon this plan entirely. At least, unless I am sure it will not fall back on me if some kind of accident will happen to him."

I chuckled. "Sounds fair enough."

"In return you will tell me what Snivelly was up to all these years."

"The very day Peter confesses that it was him who betrayed Lily and James, I will."

"Sounds fair enough." He murmured, now half-asleep.

* * *

The first days of being back together with Sirius had been wonderful. We hardly left my bed, making love, cuddling, holding each other, talking, laughing. But things started to change when I had to get back to work. Nearly every morning the same scene took place:

"I will leave for office now." I announced, looking at the bundle of blankets covering Sirius.

"Hmm."

"Make sure, you do not use any lights or anything else telling that someone is here."

"Hmmm."

"If you get bored you can give me a hand in the household."

"Grmpf."

"All right, then go and find out where Peter is."

"Hmmm."

The straw to break the camel's back was when I came back home from work one day in the middle of February and found the whole place illuminated- I thought I had to die from a heart attack. The Ministry has caught Sirius!!!

The facile solution was to be found in my chaotic kitchen. Sirius stood there in his underwear, drinking coffee and enjoying some nonsense he found on my muggle-television.

"This thing is so cool." He turned to me, smiling. "How was your day?"

"Sirius, you can't be serious."

He laughed. "But yes!"

"Sirius- the whole place is illuminated like some crazy heliport!"

"What is that?"

"Never you mind- Sirius, I am supposed to live here all alone. And usually I don't leave the house bathed in light when I go to work! This is suspicious!"

"Dear, are you chickenhearted."

"What?! Are you mad? Do you want to be caught? No problem- I will just floo-call the Aurors! But first I will have to check with my friends who will take care of Adhara if both of us are in prison for some month or years or whatnot!"

"All right, all right. I am sorry, calm down!"

"Sorry? Is that all you have to say?"

"I haven't been thinking."

"You- not thinking? That does seem to happen on a regular basis lately, right?"

"Oh, come off it!"

"You come here, I put you up and all you can do is endangering me? Who do you think you are? Did you lose that tiny bit of brain you had left in Azkaban?"

"Don't you go into hysterics! If- and now you better listen properly- if this house would be under constant surveillance they would have found me by now. If they would be peering through your windows they would have already seen me! If they would be listening on your doors, they would have already heard me!"

"But you don't have to invite them to start doing all these things again! I asked you not to switch on any lights. Where is your fucking problem?"

"I was bored!"

"Then go and find Peter! You are chilling here for nearly two month! I don't think Pettigrew will come here!"

"Are you kicking me out?"

"Yes! No! Sirius! You are hanging around here bone idle for more than seven weeks, you are doing nothing but eating my food!

"What? You want money? I have enough to pay for your stupid food!"

"No! I want to see you doing something!"

"I am not your stupid house-elf!"

"Merlin, I want to see you attempting to get Peter to whitewash your name! He will not appear here!"

"Are you sure? Seeing that he has to be a Death Eater- and you are so very fond of them, aren't you?"

"Sirius! That's the last straw! Out!"

Sirius pushed past me, his eyes sparkling with anger. I heard him rummage in my bedroom, reappearing fully dressed.

"Sirius, I…" I wanted to start an apology.

"No, it's okay. I know what a disappointment I must be for you. A criminal, who isn't even a real criminal, but some guy whose was punished for other people's mistakes. What a fool. You prefer those real evil souls, don't you? Then go back to your husband- oh, sorry- I forgot- he doesn't want you anymore!"

Hatred pulsed through my veins, how dared he to talk to me like that? I slapped him into his face with all the strength I could muster.

He looked into my eyes for a split second, then he grabbed me, pushing me onto the nearby dining- table, ripping off the buttons of my blouse as he did so. My thighs greedily spread for him and he entered me with a forceful movement, making my body arching towards him. It didn't take long, both of us were panting heavy from this brutal act. His head was resting against my chest, I could feel his heart still beating wildly.

"How I love you." He whispered.

"Then please, act like it." I sighed.

"I was really stupid. I am sorry." He winked mischievously at me. "And I am afraid that this place in your heart which allows me to come back ever and ever again will be taken by someone else one day."

I didn't reply.

* * *

The party truce didn't last very long. We argued nearly every single day, most of the time about useless trifles.

A few days after our propitiation received a letter. It was clearly a boy's handwriting. When he had finished it, he stood up, looking at me.

"I will have to leave."

"What?"

Sirius quickly told me what Harry wrote to him.

"So I have to leave."

"Are you mad? You cannot go to England!"

"Harry needs me."

"Sirius, this is lunacy! Not England of all countries! You are damn right- Harry needs you and you won't be able to help him when you are imprisoned again!"

"They won't catch me."

"Sirius!"

"What? Harry is in danger. And you are telling me to track down Peter all the time! Where do you think he is? He must be there- he is hunting Harry and I will stop him!"

"You can't do this!"

"And what else am I supposed to do? You oh so often told me that Peter will not come here, so what's your problem now?"

"Sirius, this is no laughing matter! Peter knows that you are an Animagus! You will not be able to hide there!"

"I don't care and I am not hiding from Peter!" Sirius was really irascible.

"You know what I mean!"

"Sadra, there is some Death Eater activity in Hogwarts! Do you expect me to sit here and wait for them to finish Harry off?"

"Dumbledore is in Hogwarts! There is no need for you to go there!"

"I am sure Harry will be glad to see me."

"No, after all he seems to have some sense! What if they catch you?"

"Don't you trust my abilities?"

"This is not about abilities but about being clever! There is nothing you can do for Harry! You cannot go to Hogwarts and sit next to his bed!"

"After all it is my fault that he no parents to take care of him anymore. So I will do it!"

"All of a sudden?"

"Don't you dare! I just showed you his letter! It is about time for me to start looking for him!"

"This is ridiculous! Dumbledore is looking for him!"

"I will go there you will not stop me!"

"Fine, then get your ass out of my house and don't you ever come back!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

He slammed the door behind him and was gone. I was gobsmacked. This couldn't be the truth. He couldn't really be going to Hogwarts. He couldn't be serious.


	34. Reversal

AN: Please leave a review!

**Chapter 34**

**-Reversal-**

The following weeks passed in detached monotony. Spring replaced winter, turning the landscape into a scented, blooming pleasure. I worked, occasionally I wrote to Sirius, but his answers were few and far between. Of course, he told me about the mad appearance of Mr. Crouch and his anger with Harry for being out of bounds- but this was more a laughing matter for me. Sirius being angry with someone for being out of bounds was a real twist of fate. Maybe he liked playing the responsible adult. Who knows? Since our row we had never talked about our relationship.

_______________________________________________________

It was in the end of June when I sat on my terrace, staring at the bland waves of the ocean. The summer evening was mild, the rosemary bushes in my garden smelled their best. I loved this time of the year. It was not too hot yet, but one was able to spend the evenings outside. Soon Adhara would be here with me, everything had returned to a routine. Sure it was a new routine, but it was a routine.

Tonight would be the night of Harry's third task. When he survived this one, I was pretty sure Sirius would be coming back to me. Or at least us. I smiled at the sunset glow, being in a tender mood. If he only would find Peter, but the rat seemed to have left earth surface. I wanted to sort things out, find out whether it would be possible for Sirius and me to be together, to be a family without the commotion all the time. The second child he had been talking about that night in January. I shook my head, having to smile because of my sentimental self. There would be plenty of time for all this. Little did I know how mistaken I would be.

____________________________________________________________

A cracking noise woke me at the dead of night.

"Faster, faster!" A whispering voice urged, the cracking continued as if more people stepped over broken glass.

Where was my wand? My shivering hands tried to detect it on the nightstand while I heard soft steps creeping closer.

"He is not here." A whispering deep male voice stated.

"I didn't expect him to. He was always a bit cleverer than that." A bitter female voice snapped in a low voice.

"He will be on the run." The third voice sounded like it belonged to a short, but fat person who was unable to speak as low as his fellows.

"Well, we will see if an adequate decoy may change his mind." The deep voice answered.

"Narcissa told me they have split up." The woman hissed.

"We will see!" The dark voice laughed, no longer whispering.

My door crashed open with a huge bang, sending wooden splinters everywhere. I jumped to my feet, wand at the ready, a little scream escaped from my lips as the lights were switched on, taking away my split second advantage of being used to the darkness.

I sprang behind my bed for cover when the three hooded and masked figures started shooting curses in my direction. I managed to stun one of the figures, but when I tried to aim at the small one, I had to find out that I had underestimated his powers. He deflected my course easily, making robes flying from the tip of wand instead, chaining me. A little movement with his wand caused me to be unable to hold the balance any longer and he dragged me over the floor towards him where he shackled hand and foot.

"Who are you? What do you want?" I panted.

"Mrs. Snape. Such a pleasure. Our parties have been dull without you." The man with the dark voice bent over me, looking eagerly at my breasts heaving fast up and down with frightened breathing. For a second I thought he might touch me, but he got to his feet again, turning his back on me. Death Eaters?

"Where is your husband?"

What did Death Eaters do at my house? Why were they looking for Severus? What did he do?

"I have no idea." I gasped, the robes sending a sharp agonizing pain through my body.

"When did you see him the last time?"

"Ahh, nearly a year ago!" The pain grew stronger, there had to be some potion in the robes.

"Does he write to you?"

"No, no…please, I- we are.. I am a divorcee!"

"Told you so." The waspish voice of the woman snapped.

"Then why does no one at the Ministry know that you are a divorcee? You are the wife of Severus Snape and that's it there!"

"We..we.. just didn't make it officially yet!"

"See." The woman sounded bored.

"She might be lying." The man sounded thoughtful.

"Oh, come on- he always operated alone. What would he need her for?" She spat.

"Maybe he is protecting her."

"As if he would be inters….The Dark Lord!" With her last half-sentence excitement replaced the boredom my private life obviously had caused her.

"What do we do with her?" My small catcher asked dully.

"We take her with us. We do not know yet what the Dark Lord wants to tell us. If we leave her here, she might warn him."

_____________________________________________

They sidelong-apparated with me while I was racking my brain. What was going on here? How could the Dark Lord be calling them? Wasn't he dead? No, Severus told me that they didn't believe him finished. But how? And why? When did the Death Eaters reform? Tonight? Because of the third task? Was Harry alive or did they already kill him? I started shivering madly. What was going on?

________________________________________________

I must have been unconscious for a little while for I could not recall how I came to the complete unfamiliar place. It was huge room, countless fires were burning and all of them looked like ordinary fires, but they emitted no warmth nor brightness nor sound. Everything was strangely cold and reverberating like in a tomb.

"He arrived!"

"He is here!"

"He came a few minutes after we got here!"

"What will happen?"

Excited whispers from countless voices flew around the room. I tried to focus on their meaning, but my head was dizzy and I was not able to think properly. What time was it? I couldn't tell if I had been here for hours or days. What if Adhara's holidays had already begun? There would be no one to open the door. I looked down my body. I was wearing a dressing gown made from white silk over my white and very thin nighty. I felt my head lolling around, suffering from vertigo. What time of the day was it?

A door between two fireplaces suddenly sprung open- the whole place seemed to hold its breath. Two shadows emerged, my vision was too blurred to make out any features, I could only see them approaching to the place where I lay.

He was a few feet away from me when I recognized him- Severus. He shot me the shortest glance possible, his expression inscrutable.

"Now what is _she_ doing here?"

"Well, we took her here for a little interrogation in case you wouldn't show up." The high-pitched voice! Now I really started trembling- it was him! Voldemort had a body again!

"I explained to you my Lord, why I showed up with the shortest possible delay. But you will agree that it was much better this way."

"Indeed, it is. You have done well. But now it is time to go back to Hogwarts or Dumbledore will become suspicious. You may take your wife with you."

"We are not together anymore. I was under the impression people here should know that."

Voldemort stepped into my field of vision, looking down at me. His horrible white face with the snake-like nostrils and those eyes…Suddenly images of Dorcas' inhuman suffering swirled through my head.

"Severus, I must ask you- how can you not be together anymore with such a beautiful woman? And of purest blood she is, Miss Burke. Yes, I do remember you." His voice sounding that tender made my insides squirm even more. What would happen to me now? I silently prayed for Severus to get me out of here somehow.

"This, my Lord is a matter between her and me."

"I am not sure if you understood me correctly, Severus. This is a daughter of the House of Burke. This blood is so valuable, it might be the only one nearly good enough for me. Not still- of course- seeing that at least two men have made sure that she is not a virgin anymore." He laughed. "But she married you, Severus. A marriage I will give my blessing, because you are one of my most valued servants. No other- I repeat- no other Death Eater is allowed to have such a pure-blooded wife, except he himself is made from blood just as fine." The last word lingered in the room. I knew that Voldemort was aiming at Severus' heritage.

"My Lord." Severus' words sounded pressed.

"We cannot leave it to the wizards and witches to choose their partners anymore. Too many of them chose unwisely. I want children, a lot of children. Children full of pure and magical blood. But what good does it to be surrounded by all this pure-blood when you all don't use the opportunity to breed?" He held out his arms, looking around.

"Lucius, is Draco still your only child?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"We have to change this, my faithful Death Eaters. But before we do this, we will find those who betrayed us and free those who still suffer in Askaban for crimes they have not committed!"

He turned back to me, then facing Severus again.

"You chose wisely. Now bring her home, report to Dumbledore and be back."

For the first time Severus faced me. As usual, in his eyes there was nothing to read for me.

"Are you able to get up?" His angry voice betrayed his coolness.

"Sure." I wanted to show him that I was able to be as strong as he was. Feeling my way up the wall, I was able to stand up.

He looked at me with a stern expression. My clothes revealed more than they hid, but he didn't seem to care.

"Come." He offered me his arm and we left wordless through another door, walking down to a garden, through some kind of a tunnel until we reached a field to apparate.

Back at my house, I sat on the couch shivering. I felt perished. Severus stood opposite me, his arms folded in front of his chest, he looked furious.

"Great. Just great. If I would have been told to make a list of my problems only yesterday, I would have been sure that your name wouldn't appear on it."

I looked up at him. "What you mean?"

"Didn't you hear him?"

"Severus, what is going on here? Why is the Dark Lord back? Where does he come from?" I felt tears forming in my eyes. I just had been kidnapped by some crazy Death Eaters, nobody offered me any explanation and my husband was treating me like scum.

"Where is Black?"

"How would I know?"

"He will explain this to you. It is his job, not mine."

"Severus!" I was not able to hold back the tears any longer.

"No!" Severus backed away, talking more to himself. "That is too much asked for."

With that he disappeared.


	35. Arrangements

**Chapter 35**

**-Arrangements-**

"Severus."

"My Lord?"

"How is your lovely wife?"

"I think she is all well, my Lord."

"You think? Why do you not know?"

"I didn't see her again, my Lord."

"Why not?"

"My Lord, we had our reasons for breaking up. I would prefer not to see her again."

"Severus, I will not tolerate this."

"My Lord?"

"As you know, I usually do not interfere in relationships of my Death Eaters, but after all you married that woman for reason, Severus. You will under no circumstances leave her now when we are taking over again. We have to keep an eye on her and we have to be careful that she doesn't run off to- for instance- Black and his Order friends."

"My Lord, she does not know any secrets concerning my person. She can be no danger for us. Just leave her alone as I will do."

"What did she do to you, Severus? I am asking for too much, you think? And what makes you hate her that much? I shall see- most of your friends here cheat on their wives all the time, so this cannot be your problem; you are too much of a realist to argue with me because of some love you have for another little girl you want to marry. Is it that she has been cheating on you?"

"No, my Lord."

"Then," his voice became angry, "I do see no reason why you shouldn't be her husband anymore. Next time I see you I want to hear the soul-shaking story of the reconciliation between you and that Burke-girl. I want you to share your bed and board again. Now follow me, we have more important issues than your marital problems."

"Indeed, we do, my Lord."

________________________________________________________

"No." Severus stated flatly, casually leaning against the wall, his arms crossed.

"But Severus- you cannot disobey the orders of Lord Voldemort. You know that!" The old man starred down his crooked nose. "If it is Voldemort's wish that you and Sadra get back together, you should do this."

"No."

"Severus, what is this? You used to love her. I never asked for any explanation from the second you told me you have left her, but I will have to ask you now." Dumbledore sighed.

Severus straightened. "Ask her."

"I will ask her, but now I am asking you."

"Listen, Albus- this is going too far. I agreed to spy on Voldemort, I will do everything I promised to you the night I warned you because of Lily, but this will not be working."

"So- what is your plan? Punishment by the Death Eaters because of disobedience? Because you refuse to take your incredibly beautiful and pure-blooded wife back?"

Snape shrugged.

"Severus. Of course, you do not have to take her back and love her. You will just have to fake it."

"Oh, really? I could have guessed that much." He sneered.

"Severus. You are a close reasoner. You would never be that stubborn if your heart wouldn't be involved."

"This is not about the heart."

"Tell me- about what is it?"

"This is a question of pride!"

"With whom did she sleep?" Dumbledore wondered why he hadn't seen this from the very beginning of their discussion.

Snape rolled his eyes, trying to refuse the answer, but seeing that this would be useless, he spat: "Black."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "Now I see. That complicates matters."

"Quite."

"Severus, I understand what you are feeling right now, but I am sure you will agree that there has a solution to be found. And the solution surely cannot be to disobey a direct order from Voldemort. Especially not after your problematic re-entrance in his service."

Snape nodded gravely.

"You are to dictate the terms."

"What do you mean, Albus?"

"I mean: what will be your conditions to play Sadra's husband again?

A swift smile crossed Snape's face, then he sighed, thinking.

"No Sirius Black in her life. I won't touch her, be assured, but I will not tolerate the two of them making a fool out of me in front of everybody else. She will have absolutely no permission to visit Grimmauld Place without me. Black will not be allowed anywhere near her. I can and will not use my energy to check whether she is faithful or not. If this here will be over one day the two of them may rest in peace together."

"You want me to forbid a love? You know how I must feel about that?

"Don't give me that rubbish. If she would have loved him like mad, she would have waited for him or whatever. Look what I do for a person long gone!"

"You cannot expect people to be as strong as you are."

"But at least I think I could have expected my wife to be."

Dumbledore nodded slowly. Snape had a point there.

"I will talk to her."

_______________________________________________________

Dumbledore took his travelling-cloak. Poor Sadra. But she had affronted Severus and though a gifted and smart wizard he was- he was not forgiving easily. Sometimes Dumbledore wasn't even sure if he wasn't forgiving easily or just never forgiving at all.

And he knew that he couldn't expect Severus to play his roll when gossip about his unfaithful wife would occur. Severus was able to take a lot, but his proud was his most precious commodity. He had been like this ever since he had been a little boy in school. The fact that he even had agreed to play along had been a giveaway in his eyes. Dumbledore smiled. So Severus had loved Sadra after all.

When he arrived at her house, he found it empty. He frowned. Adhara would be coming back in two days. Sirius was already in Grimmauld Place, where Dumbledore wanted to have him anyway. It was too dangerous for him out there with both the Ministry and Voldemort after him. He sighed. She couldn't be far.

____________________________________________________________

I sat on the beach, watching the sunset. It had been almost a week since my abduction, but no one had been here to explain a thing to me. No Severus, no Sirius, no Death Eater, no one. Now in the red rays of light I felt it all might have been a strange nightmare. I stretched out and relaxed. Soon Adhara would be here.

I didn't hear him coming and was pretty surprised to see Dumbledore in front of me all of a sudden.

"Dumbledore!" I breathed.

"Please, call me Albus." He laughed, sitting down in the sand with the energy of a young boy.

"You chose a real nice place to raise your daughter. How old is she? Soon fourteen, right?"

I slowly nodded, not sure in which direction this conversation would be heading.

"Severus told me what happened to you last week."

"Severus." I repeated dully. So he still existed after all.

"Yes. And he thinks I shouldn't be here to talk to you, because he thinks you are not trustworthy."

"But I am. Usually." I frowned. Did Dumbledore know?

"He told me what has happened."

"He did?" I felt like a little girl being addressed by her father because the police just told him she had been caught stealing.

"Yes."

"Albus, please. I didn't mean this to happen. I was just so confused." I started crying for the first time since Severus brought me back to my house. Dumbledore patted my back gently and a little clumsy. The last week had thrown my entire world up and down yet again. Nothing seemed to fit anymore. Sirius didn't even drop me a line so I assumed he ran out on me once again and Severus...well, he obviously hated me.

"Sadra, there is a lot explaining to be done. Before I will start I want you to answer me one question: Who do you love?"

I shrugged. "No one. No one loves me." I looked defiantly at him.

"Do you still love Severus?"

"I think I do." It was a small whisper. "I thought I could live with Sirius again, but if Severus would have allowed me to come back to him, I would have done so."

"And do you love Sirius?"

"I think yes. But he has left me again. I thought he would come back when his business in England is finished, but I haven't heard from him after all."

I heard Dumbledore taking a deep breath. "Sadra, the Order is reuniting. I am afraid that your person might cause a lot of trouble amongst its members, but nonetheless I will ask you if you want to join us this time?"

"No. I will help you again, but I do not have the strength of Dorcas. I can not stand a torture like she did. Not me."

"You won't. You are protected by Severus' name."

"So he is working for you. I wondered."

Dumbledore didn't answer. "Sirius had to hide. The Ministry doesn't believe that Voldemort is back."

"So he is?"

"You have seen him, Severus told me!"

"I did, but do not know whom or what to trust these days. Not even my eyes."

"All right. I will tell you exactly what has happened. When I am done you will see that we indeed need your help."

Dumbledore quickly explained what had happened in the night of the third task and the following days. My mouth literally hung open.

"But how can I help?"

"Think about the night you met Severus there."

"The Dark Lord still wants him to return to me?"

"He does."

"Severus will not do this. Since he left me all I got from him is one measly piece of paper telling me to leave him alone." My voice sounded bitter.

"He will. He will play the role of your husband again, what will happen to his heart I am not able to tell you. But he has conditions."

"Like what?"

"Like no contact between you and Black."

"Why do I have to accept conditions?"

"I was talking about needing your help."

I slowly nodded. "So- the Dark Lord wants us to be back together again. He wants Severus and me to have children- which is not going to happen, because he won't touch me. On the other hand I will not be allowed to see Sirius anymore. Sounds great. Swapping a man that might love me for a man who definitely does not love me. Not exactly what I would call a good deal."

"I know. But you just told me that you still have love for Severus. He is the strongest weapon I have and if he doesn't obey Voldemort he becomes a blunt sword. He needs to be in Voldemort's good books."

"But what's in store for me?"

"Only being wizard-kinds salvation." He smiled.

I stared at the stars. "Heroes die, too. I prefer a happy life."

"Sadra, you have to understand Severus. You broke his heart, you hurt his pride. Now it is time for you to repay your depts. It won't be forever. The Ministry will accept that Voldemort returned and we will fight him together."

Severus. Dumbledore was right. I owed him to play the game on his terms. It was my fault that things ended up this way. Besides, Sirius wasn't keeping his promises yet again.

"All right. Tell him, I agree. But what does Sirius say to this?

____________________________________________________

"WHAT?!" Sirius jumped to his feet, sending the chair he had been sitting on flying.

"This is a joke, right?"

"Sirius, calm down. It is crucial for the Order to proceed like this. The information Severus is able to provide is most important! Without it our whole work would be impossible!"

Sirius turned from Dumbledore to Snape, who was leaning against the kitchen-wall in Grimmauld Place, looking at him fathomless.

"Don't look at me like this, wanker! Or I will beat that ugly nose right out of your face!"

"I'd love to see you try." Snape sneered.

"SIRIUS! SEVERUS! Enough! This is going absolutely nowhere!"

"He just wants to annoy me! He can't cope with the fact that Sadra chose me over him! This is pure chicane!"

"No Sirius. First of all, it would be endangering the whole Order work if Voldemort would find out that Mrs. Snape is having an affair with Sirius Black, second it would be endangering Mrs. Snape if Voldemort would find out that she has an affair at all and third I can understand why Severus doesn't want his wife to have an affair." Dumbledore was getting impatient. He didn't expect Sirius to go on the barricades like this.

"But they split up! You left her!" Sirius swirled around to face Snape again.

"Yes, for reasons _you_ should know best."

"This is a grotty trick, Dumbledore! He just wants to drive a wedge between me and Sadra! Don't you see this? He wants to pinch my woman!"

"Oh, Black." Snape rolled his eyes. "I don't want to have her. At least since you laid your dirty fingers on her."

"Didn't mind the first time that I had my dirty fingers on her before you could get her, right? Why should you mind now?"

"Oh dear. Think whatever you want. Reasoning with a brainless person is a waste of time. I have better things to do."

"Yeah! Like telling Voldemort that the Order trusts you with my woman, right?!"

Snape raised his eyebrows, not replying.

"Dumbledore, you can't be serious!"

"I am, Sirius. Usually you are the first one to accept necessities in a fight. You have Severus' word that they will only play the married couple. If this is over and Sadra loves you and you love her, you will be able to be together again. Let us all hope this will happen soon! We need to convince the Ministry now! Severus, you may go."

"Right. See you around Black. Have fun defending hearth and home." He swept out.

"I WILL KILL THAT BASTARD!" Sirius roared, wanting to go after Snape, but Dumbledore held him back.

"Sirius! Keep your hair on. Severus really has an easy time provoking you."

"Slimy git!"

"Listen Sirius, I saw Sadra. I didn't want to say it in front of Severus, but she is very unhappy with the situation. She said you haven't been writing to her for a long time and she thinks you left her for good."

"What? Merlin, no. I just didn't found the time to write, you know?"

"That's a poor explanation."

"Am I allowed to write her now?"

"I'd say no. But I will ask her for a visit here as soon as possible, so you can sort things out."

"Under the nose of that asshole?"

"Sirius, please. You may hate him, but he won't touch her."

"Let's hope so."


	36. Games

**Chapter 36**

**-Games****-**

"So."

"So." I tried hard to sound as icy as he did.

"Seems like we are wife and husband again."

"Yes, it does."

"Well."

"What is it you want me to do?"

"I want you to come with me to the Leaky Cauldron tonight."

"Where we will do what?"

"Where we will play our reconciliation."

"Ah. Aren't we doing this right now?"

"Hardly."

I stared at Severus. He scrutinized me with an air if utmost abhorrence. I had tried my very best to look good, dressed in a decent, but sexy pantsuit, sporting my diamonds. I don't know why I bothered to dress up like this, but somehow the knowledge of being dolled up to the nines gave me a false sense of security.

"And what do we need the Leaky Cauldron for?"

"We need some witnesses for our reconciliation."

"Ah. Why?"

"I want independent people to report about it."

"Independent people reporting…hear, hear."

He sneered. "What is it you want? Did you think I would come here to be nice to you?"

"No."

"Very well. At least you will not be disappointed."

"Severus, please. Just let's deal fairly. There is no need to be that mean."

"No, of course there isn't."

"Fine. Just let us be friends."

"Never I will be your friend again, Sadra. That much I can promise right here and now."

I sighed. "All right. After we made up in the Leaky Cauldron- what will be up next?"

"I will take you home and I will stay there for the night."

"Insulting me for the rest of the night?"

"Maybe." His voice was silky.

I shook my head. "This won't be working. Do you really expect me to sit next to you in the Leaky Cauldron, smiling and playing infatuated when you talk to me like that?"

"You love acting, don't you?"

"Severus, we agreed to play this game. You set the conditions, I agreed. But it doesn't work like that!"

"It will. You will see."

He swirled around, his black robes billowing behind him. "I will be expecting you there at nine o' clock. Be a little late."

* * *

The pub was overcrowded when I entered a quarter past nine, but I immediately spotted Severus sitting on a table in a far corner, reading tomorrows issue of the Daily Prophet. When I approached his table, he smiled warmly and reached his hand out to hold mine.

"There you are."

I gave him a false-could-have-been-for-Narcissa-smile. "Severus."

He gestured me to the chair opposite to him.

"It has been a long time." Merlin, what was he playing at?

"Indeed, it has."

"You look stunning."

"Thank you!" I grinned ironically. Suddenly, I looked stunning. This was too stupid. After we had taken our seats, I leant over to him, whispering in his ear:

"You do not intend to behave like this for the rest of the evening, do you?"

"You can talk about whatever you please as long as you look very glad to see me." He hissed.

"Matter of fact I am glad to see you."

"Well, that's good."

"We could use this pleasant chat to sort some things out. Always smiling sheepish, of course."

"And what pray-tell exactly it would be you think we should sort out?"

"Severus, this is silly. If we want to appear like a couple we have to be friendly."

"But I am." He raised his eyebrows mockingly.

"You are perfectly aware what I mean."

"You think I should be behaving nicer to my cheating wife?"

"Does he know what happened?"

"Who he?" Severus was clearly enjoying my attempts to start a reasonable conversation.

"The Dark Lord."

"You would like that, wouldn't you? Me- being left with egg on my face. Of course not."

"Then what did you tell him why we split up?"

"Nothing. There is no need for. He doesn't want to know."

"Okay." I looked at the card, trying hard to think of something that would make me able to get through his barriers.

When the waitress appeared, Severus just ordered a bottle of Firewhisky, clearly ignoring my thoughtful flipping through the card.

We drowned our first shot in complete silence. When Severus refilled our glasses, I listened eagerly to the sound of the pouring liquor- knowing that this would be clearly the only way to penetrate his shell. I dimly remembered the night nearly ten years ago when he arrived at my house completely wasted, the first time he had ever confessed his true feelings for someone.

"To Lily." I toasted.

Severus slammed his glass on the table. "How dare you?" He spat.

"Tss tss, I thought we would be acting tonight, Severus. Get a grip." I smiled coldly at him.

He eyed me wearily as if he would see me properly for the very first time this evening.

It only took him half a second to regain his composure. "To Sirius."

I smiled and we both drowned our shots. This was the second I knew that he was my true partner in crime. The only one who was learning the games I played as quickly as I changed them. After he had refilled our glasses, a real smile curled his lips.

"That was a good one. I didn't see it coming. You are surprising sometimes."

"Thank you." I smiled.

"Why did you have to do this to me?"

I looked at the worm-eaten table. "I know that this may sound ridiculous and I know that you will not believe it- but I didn't mean to hurt you. I never wanted. If I would be able to undo it, I would."

He slowly nodded. "Well, there is much truth held in your sentence. You will never be able to undo it."

"I know. And I know that you will never forgive me."

"Right."

"But now that we are working together, please just let's try to get along as good as possible."

"Maybe, we can. But I want to know- what is it that makes him so special? Why did you just throw our marriage away?"

"I never meant to. I already told Dumbledore and I will tell you now: If it would have been my choice, I would have stayed with you."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. And because I cannot forgive Sirius what he did, just as you will never forgive me what I did. In the end we are all losers. Except you maybe."

Severus stared into nothingness for a moment, looking thoughtful. "I have been the loser since the game started I guess. If he only would have spared Lily."

"What would you have done then?" Curiosity made me lean over the table.

"I would have taken care of her."

"You really think she would have lived with you?"

"Why not?"

"Because you are the one who sent the Dark Lord after the man she loved and her son." I repeated curtly.

"Well, I guess, you may have a point there." He was already three shots ahead of me. "But maybe I would never have told her?"

"Severus, you have been a Death Eater after all. Do you really think she would have tolerated this?"

"No."

"So what? Would you have quitted?"

"There is no quitting the Dark Lord's service."

"You kind of did."

"I am trying to repay my depts."

"So do I." I looked directly in his eyes, hasty adding: " I should never have done this to you and I know that I am beyond forgiveness, but I want to pay for it like you do."

"Did you ever really love me?"

"More them I ever acknowledged to myself."

He reached over the table, taking my hand. "I appreciate what you just said."

I smiled, slowly leading his hand to my face. When his hands reached my cheeks, his fingers glided over my skin, tracing its features.

"Black will be dying from jealousy."

I grinned back at him evilly. Change of game again.

"Severus, we have reached the best point we will be able to have from now on in this life."

"We had better."

I knew instinctively that this was a trap. He wanted me to declare love for him to torture Sirius with it. I drowned another shot under his monitoring eyes, just smirking.

"Do you know what I loved most about you?" He teased.

"What?"

"I often underestimated you."

"Now _that _is a compliment."

"It is. For it doesn't happen often."

I smiled at him sardonically. We just had concluded peace.

We drank a lot that night, now only talking about insignificant things. When we staggered out of the last pub in Nockturn Alley both of us were completely wasted.

"Let's go home." Severus suggested.

"Where would that be?" I slurred.

He laughed. "A graveyard in Godric's Hallow and a house in London, I guess."

"You really think?"

"Dunno."

"O dear." I sat down on the sidewalk, not able to cope with the mixture of feelings in my heart. "I used to have a home in Southern France."

"So did I."

"Where did you spend your last Christmas and New Year's Eve?"

"Hogwarts."

"Did you miss me?"

Severus knelt down next to me. "I did. But what would that change?"

"Nothing." I shook my head. "Absolutely nothing, I guess."

"I hope I will have an overnight accommodation in your house tonight? That is part of the plan."

"Sure. We ought to be acting."

"Right." I felt the warmth of his body through his cloak.

"Adhara will be coming home tomorrow."

"I know."

"Please, Severus, swear that you will not let her down."

" I won't. She is like a daughter for me."

"Did she write to you often?"

"Yes. But don't worry- she kept her promise not to tell me about Black."

"I wasn't worried about that."

"What is bothering you then?"

"You are like a father to her. Could you please behave like nothing had happened between us now that we are intending to play the happy couple again?"

"I will."

"Thank you."


	37. Familiarisation

AN: Please leave a little review for me!

**Chapter 37**

**-Familiarisation****-**

The next morning was rough. I suffered from a horrible hang-over when I stumbled into my living-room where Severus slept on the couch.

I could hardly remember last nights events, but I was pretty sure that I had tried to drag him to my bedroom, but he just shook his head and fell on the couch. But I was not sure whether this really had happened or it was just my imagination.

"Severus?" I whispered, gently tipping him on his shoulder.

"Hmmm?" A mere grunt came.

"It's nearly eleven o'clock!"

"It's holidays." He groaned.

"Adhara will be here in an hour."

"Oh, right." His disgruntled face appeared out of a cushion. "Gimme a second."

Though it caused a horrible ringing feeling in my head I had to laugh at this. "Right. I will be showering."

When I left the shower some ten minutes later, he stood in my kitchen, yesterday's shirt unbuttoned, looking well rested, waving with a little phial.

"Oh, give it to me! Give it to me!"

"You know- I was always wondering why you aren't keeping a decent stock of hang-over potion. And by decent I mean at least two buckets." He sneered, handing the phial over to me, and allowing his shirt to slip to the floor as he headed for the shower.

____________________________________________________

Two hours later we sat on my terrace having lunch with Adhara. It took my by surprise how she had grown during the last year. She was already a little taller than me which gave me some kind of uncomfortable feeling for I couldn't pretend she was my little girl any longer if she was towering me.

She was simply delighted that Severus had "returned" to us, now confabulating with him about her teachers, telling him that Madame Maxine did not appear to the end of term feast and it was rumored that Karkaroff didn't return to Durmstrang either.

"Yes, we heard that much, too. But Madame Maxine is taking a well earned break. She wasn't feeling too well the last month and is taking a cure. Even Dumbledore advised her to do so. She will be back in September."

"Oh, that's good. I really like her. And what about Karkaroff?"

"I have no idea." Severus repeated curtly. "Maybe you should go and unpack your stuff now."

"All right." She laughed, jumping to her feet and rushing into her room.

"You really don't have any idea what happened to him?" I smirked.

"No, but I can tell what _will_ happen to him soon. Assuming it will be only a question of time Igor makes a foolish mistake, revealing his hideout."

I slowly nodded, my attention focusing on an owl, coming down at us, clearly heading for Severus. My stomach gave a jolt when I realized the letter had Sirius' handwriting.

Severus opened the letter, jeering, his black eyes glistening malevolently. "See, see. A little love letter for me from Black."

"What does he want?" I snapped.

Severus eyed me over the edge of the letter, his eyebrows raised, smirking.

"Here you go." He dropped the letter on the table for me to read it.

"_Snape,_

_Dumbledore told me you are not even man enough to allow me to write to Sadra herself, so I will have to request this way. I want to see Sadra and talk to her. Tell her to meet me at Grimmauld Place and tell her to bring along Adhara. I want to see my daughter. _

_Sirius Black"_

"Did someone ever tell him that a request should be phrased in a nice way?" Severus was clearly enjoying this.

I tried hard to ignore the fact that Severus obviously had declined his permission for correspondence between Sirius and me.

"What do you say?" I sounded just as unaffected as I had intended to.

"For all I care." He shrugged, sounding bored.

"Fine. Tell him we will come to London next Wednesday. I could do some shopping there for Adhara anyway. She grew out of most her clothes."

Getting up and directing the dishes into the kitchen with my wand, I felt Severus' gaze lingering on my back.

_____________________________________________________

Of course, Adhara was very happy about going to London with Severus and me. Severus had seized the opportunity to tell her that he now knew, too, about Sirius' innocence that very evening, but leaving no doubt about what he was really thinking of Sirius.

"You don't like him, do you?" Adhara asked after he had finished.

"As a matter of fact, I don't."

"But why not?"

"He is an exaggerated opinion of himself and is a selfish, sloppy person."

Adhara eyed him insecure. "I thought he was nice."

"Well, you have been mistaken. Besides, it is quite a feat to be in prison for twelve years without reason." He shot me a nasty glance.

"That's enough, I think. Adhara, just because Severus doesn't like him it doesn't mean necessarily that he is a bad person. Everyone has his own opinion. Just remember your friend Ingrid- you liked her while Yvette hated her."

Severus sneered. " Right, Adhara. Take your mother for instance. While I hate Black she thinks he is a very nice guy."

Adhara looked from me to him, back to me and again at Severus. The tension was seizable.

Adhara was clearly feeling uncomfortable now.

"Anyway- I am really looking forward to the trip to London! I heard Diagon Alley is always worth a visit." Neither me nor Severus showed any reaction.

"Right. I think I will go to bed now." She got up.

"Good night, darling." I said, Severus gave her a nod.

When she had vanished, I hissed: "Do you want her to know by all means?"

"Want her to know what exactly?"

"That Sirius is the reason we broke up?"

"_We_ broke up. That sounds so much more innocent than the truth, don't you think?"

"You want me to tell her?!"

"No, there will be no need to confess that you are a cheat."

"Fine."

"You should go to bed now, too. I think it is better for both of us when you are sleeping when I will be joining you."

"You want to join me?"

"You expect me to sleep on the couch when we are supposed to be back together again? What do you think Adhara will think?"

"No. Of course not." I was puzzled by the strange conversation.

"Don't worry. Unlike other persons sitting at this table I am true to my word. I will not touch you."

"Sure." I got up wondering why he had to be that mean again.

___________________________________________________________

I hated these nights. He usually came to bed one or two hours after me, slipping under the blankets, making himself comfortable and falling asleep almost immediately, leaving me lying there in the darkness without a mere touch or a word. I was relieved when he started to be gone for the nights, doing work or whatever I wasn't supposed to know about.

____________________________________________________________

Diagon Alley was overcrowded, but Adhara and me enjoyed the afternoon very much.

"I really cannot decide which style I like better- Paris or London!" Adhara sighed, looking at a pair of fly shoes in a shop window.

"Just chose Milan." I laughed. "Come on now, we better hurry or we will be late for our meeting with Severus."

We had agreed to meet at the entrance of Nockturn Alley, when we approached, I saw he was already there, talking to a very attractive young witch. She laughed out hearty the second we had reached them. I heard my brain roaring with jealousy. What did he have to tell her that was so highly amusing? Who was this anyway? Whoever she was, she was surely ranking below me!

"Ah, darling! There you are." Severus greeted me, placing a decent kiss on my hand. "See you around, Luana!" He was taking leave of her without as much as introducing us.

Luckily, Adhara popped the question I was trying to bite back.

"Who was that?"

"Oh, that was Luana Gamp. She graduated from Hogwarts four years ago."

"Gamp? Pure-blooded?"

Severus looked at me surprised. "Why…yes. She has been in my House."

"Aso."

He smirked. "I see. Now let's go. We don't want to be late for our appointment with yet another pure-blood."

_____________________________________________________

In Grimmauld Place Number 12 my mouth hung open. I had never been to this place ever since the party I had visited with my parents years and years ago. The house now was gloomy, filthy and somehow...eerie. I just wanted to start complaining about this fact when I saw Remus approaching.

"Remus!"

"Sadra! What a pleasure to see you again!" He exclaimed, embracing me hearty. "Severus." He was greeting the latter with a nod.

"Lupin."

"And you must be Adhara. I already heard a lot from you." She beamed.

"Follow me, the others are in the kitchen."

"Others?"

"The Weasley's arrived yesterday and Mundugus and Tonks are here tonight, too."

"And..." with a sideward's glance at Severus he added "Dumbledore will be here in a few minutes, too."

He took us to the kitchen, the only room halfway decent in the house and introduced me to Tonks and Mundugus and the whole Weasley gang. I recognized immediately that Adhara was more than taken with the twins. Sirius was sitting at the table, far from the door, staring at Severus hatefully from the moment we had entered the kitchen. Only when Adhara jumped over to him to say hello, he looked away, gazing at his child instead.

When Dumbledore had arrived, he swept out of the kitchen with Severus, leaving the rest of the chatting community to prepare dinner. Adhara was talking animatedly to Fred and George when I slipped on a chair next to Sirius.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You said you wanted to talk to me."

"I did."

"Well, what is it?"

He laughed bitterly. "What it is? I wanted to tell you that I didn't mean to let you down. I didn't write to you because of the sequence of calamities in Hogwarts, I really thought it would be no problem to return to you this summer. But now…"

"Now?"

"Does he treat you good?"

"As good as I can expect."

"Hm."

"Sirius." I took his hand.

"Sadra. I really love you. I really do."

"I know."

"But now I am stuck here, I am not even allowed to leave the house! And this arrangement…it makes me sick."

"Sirius, you know why we have to do this. He really does not touch me at all."

"But to beg for his permission every time I want to see you or my child! Not being allowed to write to you! He only set these conditions to humiliate me!"

I looked into his grey eyes. What was I to say? Of course this was a triumph for Severus, turning the knife in Sirius' wounds though it had been my faults as well.

"And being a prisoner in this house. I hate this place more than Askaban!"

"It will soon be over. What is the Order going to do next?" I tried to distract Sirius from his bitterness for I knew there was nothing we could do right now.

"O, I guess Dumbledore and your _husband_ are discussing that matter right now. There must have been some kind meeting with Voldemort yesterday."

"I think so. He didn't come home tonight."

"Home?" His eyes were sad.

"Sorry." I whispered.


	38. Proceedings

AN: Thank you for reviewing Rose of the West! I think I will heed your advice to look for a Beta Reader to check the grammar. Are you available? ;-) To rest of my readers (I know how many you are!!!): please leave a review this time! Thank you!

**Chapter 38**

**-Proceedings****-**

A week later I sat on my terrace with Severus, having a Sunday brunch in the sunlight. Adhara had already left for she was going to see some of her friends at the beach. Severus was reading the latest issue of _Transfiguration Today_, taking a sip of juice every now and then.

"Adhara asked me if it would be possible to visit London soon. She wants to see Sirius again." I remarked, addressing the cover of the journal.

Severus appeared from behind it, grinning dirty. "Fred and or George Weasley more like. She has a crush on them. Or at least on one of them."

I had to smile. "How do you know?"

"She came to me yesterday evening when you took a bath, quizzing me about them. Very inconspicuous, I can tell you."

"And what did you tell her?"

"That they are irksome troublemakers, but like her mother she seems to have a liability to this type of guy."

I ignored his last half-sentence for I knew he didn't say that particular sentence to Adhara, but to me.

"And what do you say?"

"Well, there is no need neither for Adhara nor for you to visit London all the time now. It might look suspicious. I'd say we can go there one more time this summer and that's it. I do not want to draw attention to the fact that my wife has taken a new liking to London all of a sudden."

I nodded. There was no arguing this point. The only victim would be Sirius, but at least he and Adhara were allowed to correspond.

"We are invited by the way." He continued, while disappearing behind the journal again.

"Ah. And who is inviting us?"

"The Malfoys. They want to give a summer solstice barbeque."

"O dear."

"Well, every important wizard will participate, including the Minister himself."

"But you had a row with him!" Severus had retold me the argument between Dumbledore, McGonagall, the Minister and him the night of Barty Crouch jr.'s death.

"I will try to avoid him as good as I can, but you will watch him for me instead. Try to find out what his current position is. If he still doesn't believe the Dark Lord to be back."

"Why should he? Nothing strange has happened so far."

"Dumbledore will talk to him again tonight."

"All right."

"But there is another thing I need to talk about." He threw _Transfiguration Today_ on the breakfast table.

"That would be?"

"Sooner or later there will be a meeting of the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord where he wants us to bring along our wives. I am sure he wants all of you to swear allegiance and loyalty to him."

"Blood again?"

He snorted. "Maybe. But I am asking you to practice Occlumency. I know you are pretty skilled, but you have to keep up working. You used to be very good at dueling, too, but to my displeasure I have been told that you performance was pretty weak when they came to fetch you the last time."

"I had been sleeping."

"Petty excuse."

"I want to see you when you are attacked at the…" I fired up.

"I am just asking you to practice. The Dark Lord is a most skilled Legilimens and if you are not able to close your mind properly our cover will be blown." He interrupted unnerved.

_____________________________________________________

That night a severe thunderstorm rampaged, waking me in the dead of the night. A look at the empty pillow next to me told me that Severus wasn't in the house. I got up, wrapped in a nightgown made from finest white silk, and peaked into Adhara's room. She was sleeping deeply, the thunderstorm had just caused her to cover her head with her cushion, but otherwise she didn't seem to be disturbed in the slightest.

So I stood at my bedroom-window gazing into the night, watching the flashes sometimes turning the sky as bright as day, sometimes just making it shimmer in a mystical violet.

I didn't hear Severus approaching, but suddenly felt his warm breath in my neck, causing a chill in my stomach.

"Why are you awake?" His voice was a gentle whisper right next to my ear.

"The thunderstorm woke me up." I turned to face him, his features looking arcane in the mystic light. The sight of him caused a yearning pain in my heart, making me feel a peculiar sexual tension between us, a strange arousal. I reached my hand out to touch his cheek.

"What are you doing?" He was still whispering.

"I am touching my husband." I whispered back seductively.

I felt his black eyes boring into mine, his face illuminated by another flash, immediately followed by a crashing thunder.

"Severus." I felt his hot lips on mine, kissing me gentle and playful for what felt like an eternity. The next thunder was so close the house shook, making Severus to break apart.

"Go to bed now. I have to think about a few matters." He turned on his heel, leaving me to stand in the darkness.

__________________________________________________________

The evening we were about to celebrate Midsummer Night at Malfoy's Manor, I stood in my bathroom, fumbling with my earrings. Severus didn't not try to touch me or kiss me ever since our encounter during the thunderstorm, neither did we ever talk about it. Finally, I just had managed to attach my second earring, I heard my muggle-phone ringing. I was sure it had to be one of Adhara's little friends and sure enough I saw her sliding down the hallway on her woolen socks to get it when I left the bathroom.

Adhara stopped right in front of the phone, answering it eagerly. She was always very proud that she had just as much experience with muggle-stuff as she had with the wizzarding-world. I could see Severus watching over to her from my desk, where he had been reading something, shaking his head in disapproval because of her sliding through the house.

Apparently it was one of her friends, because she started to whisper urgently and most secretive, telling the person on the phone she would be returning the phone-call soon.

"Who was that?" I heard Severus interrogate.

"None of your concern." Adhara answered with a pretty flustered voice.

"Do you really think so?" His voice was stern, but I could hear his amusement.

"Sorry, I.. didn't mean to be disrespectful. It…it was just a friend of mine. She..she asked if it would be okay with me if she stays over in Michelle's house tonight, too."

"Aso." He mocked.

I had to suppress a grin. Obviously Severus had caught a little more of the conversation than I had done and it was obvious that Adhara and her girls were up to no good. I walked into the living-room.

"Adhara? Hurry up, we want to leave at seven and by that time you should already be at Michelle's house." I pushed her.

"Yes, Mom! I will hurry!" Thankful for the interruption she ran out of the room, leaving me to face Severus.

At the sight of me, he smiled, leaning back in his chair casually, crossing his arms.

"You look stunning."

I smiled. I was wearing a light, but festive shoulder-free dress with a matching stole, silver stilettos and sumptuously silver jewelry.

"Thank you."

"You are welcome." He grinned.

"So what is she up to?" I sighed, finishing our little game of exchanging courtesies.

"Well, reading between the lines I guess that Michelle, her and the unknown girl from the phone want to drink a little tonight."

"What? She is not even fourteen!"

"Don't you say? You consider this an effective counter-argument?" He sighed.

"Of course!"

He smiled and got up. "And what can we do?" He asked, walking past me, one hand on my bare shoulder, coming to a halt right behind my back.

"I will call Michelle's mother, asking her to keep an eye on the girls."

He laughed. "I am sure that will do. That poor woman. You want her to stay up until the break of dawn or whenever thirteen year old girls go to bed if they have the opportunity to spend the whole night together."

"So- please- you advise?"

"They were talking about a bottle of sparkling wine. Threaten her with horrible punishments in case she steps out the line and let her have a glass or two."

"You want me to allow this?!"

"Oh, come on. Of course I don't want you to allow this, I just want you to ignore it. She knows that she is not allowed to drink alcohol, she knows that alcohol is bad, but she is nearly fourteen and she wants to try it. There is nothing you can do about this! How old have you been when you boozed up for the first time?"

I would have loved to say eighteen, but sticking to the truth I answered sheepishly:

"Twelve."

"You see. Adhara is a very responsible person. She has to make her own experiences. I am sure she will keep things under control."

"Are you sure?"

"I am."

"But…"

"What but? You want to shackle her? Sooner or later she will take a sip of alcohol anyway. It is better for her to learn how to cope with alcohol here with her friends and sparkling wine in a house where adults are around than in the school grounds with elder boys and Firewhisky. Believe me. I've seen it too often."

"But..it's unfair! Last year she has been my little girl and now she is becoming an adult without me noticing it!"

"C'est la vie. It has never been fair to none of us, right?" He squeezed my shoulder. I knew he was thinking about the last summer and me being unfair to him. "Better be her friend than her governess. First, you have never been very strict with her and now definitely is not the time to start being it and second being a governess doesn't suit you at all." He teased. "Your problem is to accept you are getting older, hmm? Now your daughter is intending to booze up you cannot deny the fact that Adhara's childhood is over. But be assured- there has never been a more attractive woman with a pubescent daughter than you."

I chuckled, feeling stupid. "I guess you are right."

"And you have still a few years to come before you reach your climacteric period."

"Asshole!" I grinned.

His black eyes glinted. This was one of the moments I regretted Sirius deeply.

Adhara jumped into the room, ready to go. "Hey! I am ready!"

I kissed her forehead. "Have a nice evening!"

"I will, Mom! Have fun, too!" She turned to leave when Severus addressed her again.

"Adhara, be reminded that no party whatsoever will restrain me from coming over to Michelle's place and fetch you in the dead of the night if this might turn out to be necessary. So be good and have fun."

She smiled at him, nodded and left. You have got to hand it to him- he knew how treat pubescent children. Threatening and collaborating at the same time.

_________________________________________________

Malfoys party turned out to be just the catastrophe I had expected it to be. When we reached their manor the first thing that jumped into my eye was the new "No solicitors!"- sign. I had to roll my eyes at this for real, thinking about vanishing it and see what will happen. Sure enough millions of solicitors would come, crashing the gates. Such braggarts.

As Severus had warned me, everybody who was anybody was there and I was introduced to at least another seven hundred people. But I played my part- being charming, small-talking and trying to listen to the Ministers latest realizings. Apparently, Dumbledore's latest argument with him didn't change a thing, because I overheard him talking about Cedric Diggeroy's death, making it sound like a tragic accident, even indicating that it had been Harry who killed him accidently and was too cowardly to admit it.

Narcissa laughed at this. "Yes, that would suit Harry and Dumbledore, Minister! My son Draco - who is in Harry's year as you know- told me that there have been rumors all year that it was Dumbledore himself who put Harry's name in the Goblet of Fire so he can become even more famous. Dumbledore really loves him. Of course, he always favored Lily and James Potter in the past, but one can over-egg the pudding, really."

"Oh, yes. Absolutely Mrs. Malfoy! That is exactly what I think!" Fudge grinned.

I felt anger boiling trough my veins. It was one thing not to believe a school-boy, but Dumbledore, McGonagall and Severus had given evidence about Barty Crouch's confessions. There was no shoving off the testimony of three Hogwarts teachers because it was more comfortable this way.

Sure enough Narcissa came to me a little later when I stood next to Severus, retelling him what I had overheard, smiling wide and false.

"Well, Sadra. What do you think?" Was it imagination or did she gave me a wink? Sure enough she knew the truth and she knew that I knew it as well.

"Think about what?" I retorted a little too annoyed.

"The latest visions of our dear Minister? The vision of a stable and prosperous society in our world?"

"I think if he has visions he should go and see a Healer."

Severus snorted into his goblet.


	39. Debut

AN: This is a rather dark chapter. Nonetheless I would be glad to get some reviews!

**Chapter 3****9**

**-****Debut-**

"I hate everything here."

"You have to listen to Dumbledore. What else can you do?"

I sat once again in the kitchen of Grimmauld Place Number 12, talking to Sirius, who became even bitterer since the last time I had seen him. It was the day after Adhara's fourteenth birthday and we had come for our second visit to London.

"Dunno." Sirius' fingers drummed impatiently on the table. His eyes seemed to be searching the room. Adhara stood there, talking animatedly to Fred Weasley, his twin-brother George was having a game of wizard-chess against Remus, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasely were sticking their heads together discussing something concerning Harry. Severus was talking to McGonagall and Arthur Weasley in a far corner, looking bored. Molly and Ginny meanwhile prepared dinner. Sirius hardly had taken notice of his daughter he had wanted to see so desperately.

"You should have searched Peter instead of taking care of Harry last year. Maybe things would be different now." I said fiercely, knowing that I was unfair.

"_He_ knows where he is, I am sure." Sirius stared at Severus darkly.

"You want Severus to drag Peter here so you can kill him? Fine idea."

"Oh, sorry. I forgot- he is your beloved husband."

I rolled my eyes. Sirius was insufferable in his bad mood. "I have no problem with my _beloved_ husband dragging people here, you know? The only problem might be that killing Peter here and now wouldn't change a thing. Officially he is already dead and to whitewash your name you should give Ministry at least the opportunity to know better first. Give them new facts to ignore!"

"Oh, now you are sarcastic! Must be due to the influence of your dear Severus."

I sighed. Sirius had managed to surround himself with a brick-wall, seeing only what he wanted to see. The sight of him hurt me, his grey eyes had lost all of their life, now having dark circles around them.

"Sirius, you are sealing yourself off from us. Look, Adhara is here, Harry will be coming soon. Times will change, there will be a way out of this. Just keep the faith."

"It's so very easy for you to talk like this. You are not captured here. I want to go out, stretch my legs, do something."

"But what is there to do? Severus told me that the Dark…that he wants to hear the entire prophecy before he starts to strike. All you could do now is guarding that stupid door in the Ministry."

"Better than nothing."

I made a face. There was no way to talk Sirius out of this.

"Why guarding it anyway? If your dear husband would tell us when they are about to go there, the only thing we had to do would be at the right place at the right time." Sirius caviled.

"It is not done with going there as you are well aware. It's the Department of Mysteries not for nothing."

Sirius grunted splenetic. We stared at each other in silence for a minute. Something had gone. An invisible wall had built itself between him and me. Had Severus been counting on this?

Both our heads turned suddenly when Adhara gave a very high-pitched, girlie-laugh at one of Fred's jokes. "He didn't say that for real? No fucking way!"

Sirius looked at me as if her word choice was my fault.

"What?" I teased.

He looked into my eyes, starting to nibble on his left index fingernail, shaking his head.

"You have been right all along. It was foolish of me to think we could become a family. You have your family. Unsound mother, dastard step-father, wayward child- all well."

"You call your own daughter wayward?!" I couldn't believe my ears.

"Well, that's what you made her. You and _him_!" He hissed, seeming to be glad that he found a way to start a fight with me.

"I see. Sure enough- if you would have raised her, she would be a fourteen- year old president of the world by now! Oh, but- hey- a flaw in the plan! You did not have the opportunity to raise her because you have been to prison because of…well, what was it? Nothing? Ah- no, not nothing of course! It was for being an idiot!" I already regretted that I had answered him at all for I knew what he was up to; I should have just gotten up and slapped him into his stupid face. To call Adhara wayward! Leave alone the rest…

"Sadra!" He grabbed my hand, pinning it on the table when I tried to get up.

"WHAT? You foul…" I lowered my voice, recognizing that the other people in the kitchen looked at us "There is _nothing_ I have to say to you anymore!"

Severus' eyes quickly swept the scene. "Any problems?" He asked, coming over to the table, cool as you please.

"None of your concern, _Snivelly_." Sirius spat.

"Well, as to be expected. Rows about cleaning compounds have never been of my concern."

"YOU!!!" Sirius roared, letting go of my hand, instead reaching for Severus' neck, who quickly cast some kind of spell to repel Sirius without wand or words.

"No fighting in MY kitchen!" Molly Weasley screeched.

"This is not YOUR kitchen!" Sirius roared.

"Sirius!" This time Arthur was interjecting.

I backed from the table, Sirius immediately turned to me. "Sadra!"

"I am out of here!" I grabbed for my cloak. "Enough is enough!"

"NO! Don't you dare!"

"Dare what? Hmmm?" If Sirius was declaring war he just found the right opponent!

"Mom!" Adhara was standing at my side all of a sudden.

The recognition of her presence seemed to calm Sirius. "Sadra, please…"

"I will take a walk." I announced, throwing my cloak over my shoulders, leaving this kitchen for- as I was sure- good. Outside the door I lit a muggle-cigarette, inhaling its smoke greedily. It was Remus who followed me.

"Can I have one, too?"

I laughed involuntarily. Remus never had smoked a cigarette in his life before, but nonetheless I threw a weed over to him. He sat next to me at a bench in the middle of Grimmauld Place and we puffed away our cigarettes in silence.

"Dumbledore dreaded this moment."

"What moment?" I snapped, still boiling with rage.

"There are two men in the Order who definitely have too much feelings for just one single woman."

"He knew what he was playing at. So don't give me that rubbish!" I stubbed my cigarette out like it was Sirius himself.

"Can't you understand Sirius?"

"I can!" I snapped. "Of course I can." I repeated a little nicer. "But could anybody here please understand me, too? I agreed to play along and I do play along. What is his problem? If he would have taken his time to write something substantial to me during the last year…ach."

I took another cigarette. "It's not like he had never been given a choice. He just always chose wrong." I was inhaling the blue smoke.

"And Severus?"

"He is not choosing wrong. Never."

"I see."

"You don't like him, do you?"

"Actually, I do. I mean he is not exactly a person to like, but I see him for what he is today. He is a most skilled wizard, able, strong. I often wish we would have become friends during our school-days."

"So you forgave him that he told everyone that you are a werewolf?"

"Yes, I did. We did everything we could to torture him during our school-days and I deserve punishment for never stopping James and Sirius from doing so for I never was interested in harming him himself. So here I get my comeuppance. That's fair."

"I wonder if Severus would agree."

"He wouldn't. If there is a fault in his personality it is never to forget or forgive. He will save every insult, every threat, everything. Maybe he will not make everyone to pay for it like he has made me, but he will never forget. That is why he is on our side right now. Voldemort promised to spare Lily, but he didn't do so. That's all."

"That's all? A bit much, don't you think?"

"No, I mean- one shouldn't break the promises given to him."

"I already did."

"He must have love for you."

"Maybe."

"And Sirius…I don't know. No one is able to talk to him these days. He is aggressive, unstable. He is unhappy. And the two of you always knew exactly which buttons to push to set the other one off."

"He called Adhara wayward! Because she was laughing a little girlish and used a "dirty" word! I ask you. And he called me unsound. Do I have to accept this, because he is in a bad mood?"

"No. That's just him. If he is unhappy, he wants to make other people unhappy, too. I am sure he regrets what he said, but maybe he couldn't let opportunity pass to torture you."

"And why pray-tell does he want to torture me?"

"Because you don't need him. He needs to feel needed. Look, what he is enduring. He is sitting in this house he hates all day every day, there is nothing to occupy his time, all he sees are members of the Order come and go, Severus accosting him all the time, you are somewhere out there, doing whatever you please, his daughter with you, doing whatever she pleases. He is nit allowed to see her often. He must feel redundant, there is absolutely nothing to influence or to take care of."

Feeling much calmer, I looked at Remus. "Still he does not have the right to treat me like that."

"I did not say that he has. Voldemort is exerting too much pressure on us, even without doing something."

I laughed. "Fine. Looks like we are the winning team, hm?"

"No one said that it would be easy. But we cannot afford to behave like this. I shall talk to Sirius and you shall talk to Severus. He is not making Sirius' lot easier."

"Nor is he intending to."

_______________________________________________________

"Are you ready?"

I slowly nodded, not sure why my knees started to feel like pudding all of a sudden.

It was the first Thursday in August, tonight would be the night I had to face Voldemort again, this time as Mrs. Severus Snape.

"Was it him who sent the Dementor after Harry?"

"For all I know: no. To my knowledge he didn't even contact them yet, but you never know. They are his natural allies."

I shuddered. Would I be able to do play my role?

___________________________________________________________

The meeting was held at Malfoys manor again. The Death Eaters wore their dark cloaks and horrifying masks, I was only able to make Severus out because of his height. Their spouses were unmasked, dressed in elegant clothes like me, most of them looking relaxed. They had been with their men before Voldemort's downfall and had nothing to fear so far.

Narcissa used the opportunity to smile encouragingly. The room once again was filled with a diffused light coming from the blue fires which were still not emitting warmth. Voldemort was already in the room, sitting in a high chair, reminding me strongly of a throne, his back towards us, gazing into the fire.

I concentrated on not thinking at all, and I can tell you it is hard not to think at all. The little voice in your brain is most chatty when you least need it. Severus had told me that two other Death Eaters had to introduce their new spouses, but I only saw one woman looking as anxious as I felt- but hopefully not looked.

The room was completely silent, it was unnerving. Deciding the best thing to keep my brain busy with nonsense was to recall all my favorite songs from the Eighties; I commanded my chatty inner voice to repeat the lyrics of Aerosmith, Simply Red, Blondie and Madonna over and over again. Hey, this was fun!

When my brain started to intonate "Like a virgin", Voldemort suddenly got up, surrounding the chair, facing the crowd.

"My faithful Death Eaters! We gathered here to bid welcome to the new wives of two of our fellows. May they be strong and faithful to their husbands and towards our group! May they give birth to strong and loyal sons, raise them to be a strong part of our new society!"

While he was speaking I started to ask myself, why the women were supposed to recognize each other- it was not really hard to put two and two together to figure out that Narcissa was here for Lucius- giving iron-cast prove that he indeed was a Death Eater.

"Miss Burke!" I looked up to see that Voldemort was addressing me. I curtseyed deeply.

"My Lord," I addressed him respectfully, "it is Mrs. Snape now."

Voldemort smiled, looking even more horrible than he usually did. "Mrs. Snape indeed. I was glad to hear you and Severus have made up. I was worried. Tell me, why did you break up?"

"My Lord," we had studied this over and over again, "we suffered from the disadvantages of our long-distance-relationship. As you know I live on the Continent and Severus does not have a lot of time for me, because he is working in Hogwarts."

"But this did not change."

"No, my Lord. What has changed is our way of dealing with this problem. When we met again, we both felt that our love was stronger than our problems."

"Did she participate at the oath-ritual?" He addressed a Death Eater to his left.

"Willingly, my Lord." Voldemort nodded, turning to the right. "Severus, come here."

"My Lord." Severus bowed in front of him.

"The oath."

I had to kneel in front of Severus, kissing yet another drop of blood from his wrist, afterwards I was allowed to stand with the rest of the women, wishing I could stand next to Severus. Being close to him in situations like this made me feel comfortable and protected.

Voldemort caught my eye at this very thought, smiling his horrible smile again. I restrained from think how stupid I was for forgetting Occlumency for a mere second, but concentrating on my wish to be next to Severus.

"Miss Burke, you really seem to love your husband." He sounded surprised.

I curtseyed again. "Yes, my Lord. And it is Mrs. Snape."

He laughed his high pitched, cold laugh.

"Right. Mrs. Gibbon- if you please." He called the anxious looking woman towards him, asking her questions about her relationship and her views of the wizarding-society. She seemed to be a prudent pure-blood, glad to join the circle, so she only had to make the oath just like me.

After we had finished, I thought the evening was through, but to my utmost horror, Voldemort addressed the only masked figure taller than Severus.

"Thorfinn, how about your wife?"

"My Lord, when I suggested to her to come here with me, she plainly refused. I already informed you about this aggravation."

"Ah. Well. Indeed. I think you will be glad to hear that she will join us soon."

"Really?" Throfinn's voice was eager.

"Yes." The little voice in my brain warned me because of Voldemort's tone and I could see that Severus was feeling the same for he stood even a little taller than usually.

"Here she comes!" Voldemort announced, when a door on the far end of the room flew open, releasing a hovering body, apparently unconscious. Thorfinns eyes widened.

"Did you know, Thorfinn, that she is muggle-born?"

"No!" Thorfinn exclaimed, obviously really repulsed by this fact.

"Yes, she is! She pretended to be half-blood, didn't she? And didn't she tell you that she likes the fact that you are a Death Eater?"

"Ye..yes."

"Lies! A pack of lies, Thorfinn! She is a mudblood and she hates your past and future! The only thing she loves is you!"

Thorfinn didn't say anything anymore. There was no need for none of us to ask how Voldemort knew.

"Women- out! Except of you- Mrs. Snape and Mrs. Gibbon!"

My heart sank- what would be happening now?

"Go over to your husbands!" It felt like an eternity to walk over to Severus in a decent manner. I would have loved to run over to him, embrace him, make him protect me. When I finally stood next to him, I felt his arm around my waist, securing me, though I could feel he was fraught, too.

"Now you will learn a precious lesson about disobeying me!" He slashed through the air with his wand, waking Thorfinn's wife.

"Well, mudblood- who do you feel?"

She was staggering, clearly disorientated. "Did you really think you could fool me? Me of all wizards? Thorfinn here might be dumb enough for your games, but not me!"

"Thorfinn!" She whimpered.

"Greta, is it true? You are muggle-born? The latter asked.

She cried hard, nodding. "I am so sorry! I love you, please! Please, listen to m…"

"So, Thorfinn- who's it gonna be?" Voldemort interrupted. "She or your Master?"

Thorfinn looked thunder-stricken. "My Lord?"

"Who is your choice? Me or the dishonest mudblood who refused to show up voluntarily here tonight?"

"You, my Lord."

I gasped inaudible, feeling Severus gently squeezing my arm.

"Nott, if you please." A masked figure left its position, standing over Greta.

"My Lord!" Thorfinn exclaimed.

"What is it, Rowle? Do you disagree with the death-sentence I put upon her?"

"But she is…"

"A treacherous mudblood, I know. Don't thank me for making it easier for you! Nott!"

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Nott said coolly, sending the jet of green light flying. Greta gave a light sigh and collapsed.

I felt horrified, wanting to scream out, but Severus pulled on my arm, so no sound could leave my lips somehow. Thorfinn stared at her body motionless.

"Death Eaters and wives- ye be warned!" Voldemort exclaimed, turning on his heel, leaving the room and the rest of us to stare at Greta's corpse in disbelief.


	40. Debates

AN: Reviews, reviews, reviews- please!

**Chapter 40**

**-****Debates-**

We arrived at my house at the break of dawn. I slumped on my couch. Never ever before I had realized what Severus was actually doing there. He was spying on the world's most dangerous wizard, a man who wasn't ascribing importance to human lives. Merlin, my heart felt ready to burst with stupid pride. I watched him admiringly as he walked through the room, fetching two glasses and a bottle of Firewhisky, pouring the liquor out and placing the glasses in front of our seats. His expression was stern; he seemed to be thinking about something.

"This-"he waved his glass, toasting, "has been a close shave."

"Why?" I drowned my Firewhisky quickly. "Do you think he noticed I have been lying?"

"No." His eyes bored into mine for a split second. "No. If he would have thought you were lying both of us wouldn't be sitting here anymore. I was actually afraid he would ask you to do his bidding."

"Me?!" I spluttered.

He slowly nodded.

"But I am not a Death Eater! I mean…I am…I can't…I will not kill people for no reason at all!"

"You call this no reason at all? I've seen less reason." He got up, walking over to the window to watch the sun rise. I followed him.

"Do you think…" I took a deep breath. "Do you think he will ask me to do such a thing in the future?" I felt childish for asking this, but I couldn't help it.

He turned to me, his eyes searching my face with a soft expression. "No. He usually leaves our wives alone, but tonight…I don't know. There is something about you. I don't know why he dotes on you like this."

"Maybe he _did_ notice I have been lying."

"No, surely not. As I've said before: we wouldn't be standing here if he had felt the slightest doubt about your _sincerity_."

I felt tears forming in my eyes, my nerves were really shot. Luckily, I hadn't thought about all possible consequences before I went there or I wouldn't have left the house at all, I swear.

"Come here." Severus drew me into his arms, holding me close against his chest. "You have done well, don't worry. You won't have to face him often." He gently kissed my forehead, releasing me.

How bad I wished to stay there, to feel him. Why couldn't he just kiss me, touch me, make me feel good?

"Severus?" I whispered.

"Hm?" He had been staring out of the window again.

"Would you have killed her if he had asked you to?"

"Sure."

"Sure? Is this really all you have to say? We are talking about a dead witch here."

"You witnessed the scene. This has been a done deal. Be assured I put no value to killing other people, but this was far from being a case to start discussing."

I looked at him, feeling depressed. This was clearly more than I had bargained for.

"Don't be afraid." With this he threw on his cloak. "I will have to see Dumbledore now."

"Okay." I said meekly, feeling small and desperate.

He looked at me, seeing how miserable I felt. "Sadra," he sighed, putting my face in his hands, directing my gaze into his eyes, "please don't be afraid. I will take care of you."

________________________________________________________

The following weeks were hard to endure for me. Though I was more than used to being alone, I felt strangely vulnerable and depressed. Adhara was back in Beauxbatons, Severus was in Hogwarts again and I was left alone to ponder over the senseless cruelty of Voldemort.

In mid October a letter from Severus arrived.

"_Dear Sadra,_

_though I was already aware that Black is truly and utterly stupid, he managed to set a new record even for his standards. Not only he accompanied Harry to the Hogwarts Express- recognized and informed to the Daily Prophet by Lucius, of course- yesterday he nearly got caught by Dolores Umbrigde in the fire of the Gryffindor Common Room._

_It's not like it's not already hard enough to keep things under control here, let alone pleasant chats between famous Potter and Black! Needless to say that Harry held an assembly in the Hog's Head, recruiting people for a Defence against the Dark Arts- Group causing Umbridge to forbid all groups and societies in the school. I am pretty sure Black was involved in concocting this disaster as well. Plotting in the Hog's Head- I ask you._

_Well, to cut a long story short- Dumbledore wants you to visit Black in Grimmauld Place and try to knock some sense into him. And- yes, he is perfectly aware that the two of you didn't speak to each other ever since your row in the summer. _

_So go there whenever you please for all I care, but be careful to have an iron-cast excuse for being in London again. _

_Umbridge by the way is a highly amusing person. She looks like a toad and obviously is very excitable, to my greatest pleasure Harry is spending more time in her detention than he has ever done in mine- which says something. She is not very skilled if you ask me, but she's got it in for half-breeds I can tell you._

_By the way, this year it will be my turn to have the complete holidays off. So I will be around for three weeks._

_Severus_"

I smiled at the letter. Adhara had already informed me that she would be staying in Beauxbatons for Madame Maxime decided to revive the tradition of having a Yule Ball after last years success. Of course, Adhara was beside herself, already begging for some of my finest jewelry. Would this be an adequate excuse for London? Buying dress robes for her? Why not? And I could use the opportunity to hang out with Clot again, so I walked over to my fireplace, contacting her.

______________________________________________________

It was a stormy Saturday and I was walking through Diagon Alley with Clot. It had been a beautiful gossamer so far, but now November was finding its way into the country, bringing storm and rain. We had found the perfect dress robes for Adhara, now dusk was descending fast upon us and I would have to go to Grimmauld Place and talk to Sirius.

"I really have no clue what to tell him."

"I am sure he just wants to apologize and had to create a little dramatic effect to preempt Severus."

"I don't know. That's not his strategy usually. He loves confrontation, especially with Severus I am afraid."

"Strange men, both of them. Right, I'll leave you now, preparing a nice bed for you. Tonight we are going to party!"

I sighed and nodded in her direction so it would look like we were about to apparate together, while in actual fact I was heading for Grimmauld Place and she would be going to her flat.

Nothing had changed so far in Grimmauld Place, it was still a gloomy and irksome place. The Weasleys were gone, tonight only Mundugus and Remus were around, but both of them vanished from the kitchen the second they saw how Sirius and me exchanged killing glances.

"Now to what do I owe this doubtful pleasure of your visit?" Sirius sounded cold, his face was in a bad need for a shave.

"Dumbledore asked me to come here and see if we manage to treat each other like human beings." I tried to sound completely unaffected by his rudeness. Merlin, he was the one who used to swear up and down how he loved me. I sat down near the fireplace to dry my soaked cloak, Sirius took the seat opposite to me, looking grim.

"Is there any need for us to get along? I am not allowed to see you or my daughter anyway, so what good will it do to get along with you?" This time his voice betrayed a hint of desperation.

"We need unity in the Order."

"Oho- the Order! Now the Order is important to you all of a sudden? I remember a time you simply refused to join our side."

I took a deep breath. No, Sirius Black, not this time. I would stay calm, I was going to party with Clot tonight and everything would be just fine.

"You know why I refused. You kept the Order a secret from me all the time and after I found out about it, I was a _tiny_ bit harassed. Besides, you and me were not on speaking terms for reasons best left to themselves. And I did not want to "join" this time by the way, this was more a necessity to keep Severus in the good books of you-know-who."

"Why you are doing for Severus what you haven't done for me?"

"Do you really think the situations are comparable?"

"Why…yes."

"No. This time I have to atone for my faults. _My_ faults. I ruined my marriage because of you and the least thing I can do now is to help Severus. You-know-how practically ordered Severus to go back to me. Believe me- he didn't want to."

"And back then?" He leaned over the table eagerly.

"Sirius- you didn't tell me about the Order, I was abducted, we fought- I mean, I did help the Order all the time, but after all that had happened to me…Come on, we have talked about this ages ago."

"And now?" His hands were on the table, he was moving them towards mine without ostentation.

"Now what?" I started to redo some of my hairclips, carefully avoiding this touch.

"How are things between us now?"

"I am here to offer you my friendship."

His right hand banged on the table. "Your friendship? What is this supposed to be?" It only took him a half a second to reach his boiling-point.

"Look it up in a dictionary." I replied coolly.

"You want him, is it that?" His voice was becoming even louder.

"No." I felt relieved that my Occlumency-skills were at their zenith, though I knew Sirius wasn't into Legilimency at all. "I agreed to play my part on Severus' conditions. He is not stepping out of line, neither will I. I owe him that much."

"Him! What can you owe to man that vicious? He has deaths on his name!"

"So do you."

"But the people I have killed have been evil!"

"One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist. What can I say? Do you think it does make a difference who you've killed? Do you think Death Eaters don't have mothers, wives or kids?"

"They deserved to die." He spat.

"In their opinion we deserve to die."

"Well, they are wrong." He hissed forcefully.

"All right, but did you ever succeeded in convincing a madman that he is mad? This is not going to happen. You will never hear him say: 'You are right, I am mad.' That's not the way people are. If it would that easy, Dumbledore could invite the Dark…, invite Voldemort to a glass of ale and tell him to stop. We have to accept the facts and contrive ways and means to succeed. Which is exactly what we are doing right now."

Sirius smiled at me. "I wish you would have thought like this a few years earlier."

"Oh, I never thought it would work like this. Never. I only hoped the calyx would go past me, but it didn't, it always came back. Be it with you or with Severus, so now I will have to live with it."

"Sadra." His voice was much too tender all of a sudden, finally his hands got hold of mine, which I had carelessly put on the table again while speaking.

I gulped hard, after all I was sitting opposite to the man I had love so badly, who had hurt me in a way I would have never thought to be possible, a man I had sacrificed my marriage to.

"Sirius, no. Not now. There is a time for everything our lives, but now is not the time for you and me to make up…like this. I have disappointed Severus once, I will not do it again-" I soothed his upcoming retort with my hand. "We have a deal and this time I will be true to my word."

"He will never know." Sirius' hand was caressing mine.

"It is not about him knowing, this is about me being true to my word."

"Did you make an Unbreakable Vow or what?" He was flaring up again.

"This is not necessary. I don't need no vow to know where I am standing right now."

"Stand by your man?" He mocked.

I sighed. "Sirius, things are not that easy any more. I have responsibility out there."

"Thank you for reminding me that I do not."

"You have. Your domiciliary arrest will not last forever. You will have to exercise patience."

"I hate patience."

"I know. But you always kept telling me that there are things worth to do stuff you hate."

"You hate him?"

"No, you hate patience. Don't confuse things."

"Do you hate Severus?"

"No. Why should I? He was always taken care of me."

"I see." He gave me another seductive smile.

Merlin, he was hard to withstand. I hadn't been with a man for nearly one year, I knew what Sirius was able to do, but I was not allowed to do this. Not this time.

Sirius gaze lingered on my breasts, smiling. "He won't find out." Sirius repeated insistently.

I got to my feet slowly. "I don't care. We have an agreement, he trusts me to go here on my own and I will not prove him wrong for trusting me again." I had sounded more aggressive than I had intended to, but why Sirius always had to make things harder?

"Okay, okay. I just thought you might have missed me, too." He gave me a challenging look.


	41. Evening

AN: Please leave a review!!!

**Chapter 41**

**-****Evening-**

"May I introduce Yezabel Cartis to you?"

"Sure, hello Yezabel." I shook the hand of the fiery red-haired woman Clot just had introduced to me. She was looking very good, her red hair was long and shiny, her eyes of a deep blue and her fingernails were done in a fly design- and I had to admit: Yezabel definitely had style.

I had met with Clot in a newly opened up bar in Nocturne Alley, we just had drowned a few shots when Yezabel had approached.

"Yezabel is working for Gringott's in London."

"Oh, really? I used to work here, too. Seems like we have a career in banking in common." I laughed, trying to be nice. Actually I was not interested at all in meeting new people tonight.

"Indeed." Yezabel sized me up. "And I think we even have a little more in common."

"Really?" Like what, bitch?

"I am a former spouse of Sirius Black."

I had to suppress a grin. Okay, maybe meeting her would be fun after all.

"Hear, hear." I grinned.

"Yes, we used to go out shortly after he left Hogwarts." Was that pride in her voice?

Ahhja. "Well, that's funny, isn't it? Who would have thought I would meet an ex of Sirius here tonight?" I raised my eyebrow to indicate that this was clearly none of my business.

Yezabel gave me a deprecating smile. This was too stupid. Was she challenging me for a man who had left her ages before we had started to go out?

"I always knew he was bad." Yezabel stated.

"Yeah, well, so did I." I retorted thinking about the offers he had made to me a couple of hours ago. Clot was shaking from badly suppressed laughter.

"But a killer? Did you break up before he was arrested?"

"Yeah, kind of." I played her off and Clot nodded confirmatively.

"But he was a mad passionate lover." She went one better.

"Guilty as charged, I would say." Clot was nearly falling off from her chair.

"Do you still have any contact to him?"

"Hardly." I replied coolly. "He is on the run, as you should know."

"I read that he is hiding in London."

"So did I."

"I would love to see him caught."

"Why that?"

"We have a score to settle with each other." She told me importantly.

I smirked. A score to settle? With someone who was as good as dead if caught? She was definitely ascribing too much importance to herself. Merlin, their relationship was history for at least seventeen years!

"Ah, I was under the impression you were hoping for the Galleons."

The look she gave me could have been a tell-Narcissa-that-her-son-was-an-ugly-son-of-a-bitch-and-see-how-she-will-take-it-one.

"Frankly, I married well. I don't need Galleons."

"I am glad to hear." I sneered, refilling our glasses. She smiled benevolent.

Merlin, did she realize I was hosing her? Clot meanwhile had to refrain from cracking up.

"Don't you have any bad feelings for him?" Yezabel asked.

"Me? No." Severus was right- lying really came easy to me. "After all we broke up some fifteen years ago. There is no sense in crying over spilt milk, right?" I grinned at Clot.

"ABSOLUTELY!" She wheezed.

"Well, seems like didn't he mistreated you in the same way he mistreated me. If you will excuse me now- I will have to go back to my husband." She smiled at an elder, balding wizard about half her height.

"It was a pleasure to meet you." She shook my hand again and nodded gracefully towards Clot. "Clothildis, see you in St. Mungo's. Have a nice evening." With this she swept over to Little Longnose.

"Clot? What was that?" I rolled my eyes at her in a mocking way.

"Oh, that was the wife of a head healer from St. Mungo's."

"I see."

"Yeah, well. Working at Gringott's is a nice suavity. She was promoted to do some half-day bill-checking there, because her husband is such a high-roller. She is of no use to anyone there."

"Don't you say?"

"You know, Severus is doing you good. I've never seen you more sarcastic than today!"

"Oh, come on!" We cracked up.

A few shots later, Yezabel was forgotten, Clot and me rocked the dance-floor for this place was playing some of the best music available.

"Oho, look who's coming!" Clot looked over my shoulder. I turned to see the entrance on the other side of the room. It took me only seconds to see that she was referring to Severus, accompanied by no other than Nott- the man who had killed Greta.

Severus had spotted us, too, but he indicated by a slight move with his head to leave them alone. I nodded subtly.

"Don't you want to say hello?" Clot asked.

"He will come later, I am afraid they are not here for nothing." Sure enough Severus and Nott were walking over to a table in the back. There was something distinctive about Severus. He never bumped into people, people seemed to sense his presence and made way for him before he was even close to them, moving with the rhythm of a panther on a hunt, always looking stern and focused.

"Is this man ever able to relax?" Clot obviously was thinking along the same lines.

"I don't know." I murmured, the sight of him made me remember some of our finer moments.

I had been so used to his presence that I had already forgotten the power he was emitting. I sighed. My bad.

We started dancing again, but I was no longer enjoying it, so we went back to our table, watching the rest of the crowd.

"Who is the other guy?"

"Oh, Clot, not again!"

"He is kind of cute." She insisted.

"Somehow every man seems to be kind of cute." I grinned.

"We will see." Nott was approaching our table, four drinks hovering in front of him, Severus was still at the table in the back, talking to a person there, sitting in the shadow, frowning his forehead in concentration.

"Ladies. Severus asked me to keep you company while he is...negotiating." He smiled. He was a beautiful man by no means. He was pretty old compared to us, quite tall, with thick graying hair and ice-cold blue eyes. One couldn't call his face ugly, but it was angular and featureless. Nonetheless Clot deigned to present her nicest smile to him.

"Thank you very much." She eyeballed the drinks he had brought, multi-colored, creamy cocktails with lardy-dardy visors for us, Firewhisky for the men. A good old patriarchic Death Eater.

"You will not make my wife very happy with this." Severus commented when he joined us a few moments later, shoving his drink over to me and placing a delicate kiss on my forehead. The slight touch of him caused a sensation in my stomach. His black eyes had already swept over to Clot, he greeted her and sat down. An awkward silence fell.

"Well," as usual it was Clot who started the conversation- "what are you doing here, Severus? Don't you have to be in Hogwarts?"

He looked at her taxing, taking his time with the answer. " Even I have weekends off every now and then."

"Ah. And you use them to go to a pub in London?"

"That much is obvious." He loved to upstage Clot.

"All right. And who is your friend here?"

"I am Mr. Nott." He replied coolly himself. Very likable. Mr. Nott…

Clot shrugged, obviously both of the men very not up to party. "I think I will dance a little more, do you come with me, Sadra? So these party animals can talk?"

Severus put his hand on mine.

"Why don't you dance with her, Theodor?" Severus gave a dismissive jerk, causing Nott to get up and follow Clot.

His hand was still on mine and I savored its warmth and strength when he started to talk:

"Why are you here?"

"I could ask you the same question."

"Well, I guess my answer will be less pleasant than yours. So why?"

"We just wanted to party a little."

"A little?" He raised an eyebrow, looking over to Clot who was indeed twirling around the dance-floor while Nott danced with the elegance of a bull in a china shop.

"I do not want you to bugger around here, flirting with other men."

"Why not?" He pressed my hand harder.

"Because you are my wife and the wife of Severus Snape is not loitering in a pub in the dead of the night."

"What you wanna do? Send me home?" I was scandalized.

"Not at all. Now that I am here, I can check whether you are a good girl or not." He gave me a wink. "Just kidding. But speaking of good girls- how was your meeting with Black? I am actually surprised not to see him here."

"Very funny. It was okay." I looked directly into his black eyes to show him that there was nothing to hide.

"So you are on speaking terms again? Or even more?"

"Speaking terms."

Severus nodded. "Okay." He released my hand, drowning the other Firewhisky Nott hadn't touched.

"Your friend is very funny. First Lucius, now Theodor."

I ogled over to them. Clot swirled around him in her usual dancing manner, clearly irritating him, but nonetheless, he seemed to be pleased with the situation.

"He is old."

"He is married. Oh, I stand corrected- that doesn't count in the eyes of you and your friend."

"Severus, please."

He shot me nasty glance. "I was just thinking about how beautiful this evening could have been if you hadn't to cheat on me."

My eyes focused on the opposite wall. "Aso."

"Oh, come on." He took my hand, kissing it gently. "Let me be bitter." He mocked.

"Fine- be bitter. Am I allowed to dance now?"

"Yes please, let me see you move." I looked at him- he was a very strange man sometimes.

"Don't you ever dance?"

"No." He smiled. "I am not making a spectacle of myself."

"And what did you do here if it's not dancing?"

"I was on a mission."

"What did you have to do?"

He shook his head. "None of your concern. Go and have fun."

I got up, standing in front of him. How I wished I could just sit down on his lap…maybe I should just do it? He was playing the nice husband, why shouldn't I play the devoted wife? I hadn't finished ruminating when Nott came back, fighting for air.

"Your turn, Mrs. Snape." He gasped, slumping into the chair I just had vacated.

I had to laugh, he really was not the fittest man I met so far, but –my humor quickly evaporating- he was a dangerous man without conscience.

"Tell me, Severus- is it true that Mrs. Umbridge banned Potter and the Weasley twins from Quidditch?" Nott was fanning himself.

Severus smirked. "Indeed she did. Quite a funny story. Why don't you dance with your friend, my love?" He looked at me and I understood myself as dismissed.


	42. Returnees

AN: Please leave a little review!

**Chapter 42**

**-****Returnees-**

The holidays were rainy, dim and misty- all in all- it was definitely a time to stay at home and look into a brisk fire, which was exactly what I did most of the time.

Sure, Severus came over to my place, but all he did was reading, reading and reading and if he was not reading he was leaving for some kind of mission he didn't tell me about. Sometimes I felt like he didn't even know I was there at all. When he had arrived I had been creeping around him, trying to get some of his attention, but he had his mind elsewhere and was clearly not intending to spend a nice vacation with me. I grew pretty frustrated and was in an ill mood most of the time. But he didn't seem to care.

The only- one shouldn't call it a highlight, but it was- highlight was the attack on Arthur Weasley, bitten by no other than Nagini. Since Severus had told me about the prophecy ages ago, I knew the reason why it had happened. I knew that Voldemort was desperate to hear the whole thing and I also knew that he had set Severus on a mission to make one of the Unspeakables fetch it, but this didn't work out for the man was now in St. Mungo's. But judging by the brooding and reading Severus performed every day he had something more important on his mind.

Christmas came and went, so did our wedding day without any comment- needless to say.

On Severus's birthday I was staring out of the window into the gloomy night. Outside was sleet, inside I didn't feel any warmer. I had prepared a nice dinner, but the birthday boy hadn't arrived so far. He had left this morning, telling me he had an appointment with Dumbledore- yet again.

"Hey." A grunt greeted from my fire. Finally.

"Hey." I tried to sound cheerful, but the look on Severus' face nipped any cheerfulness in the bud. "Now what's wrong with you?"

"Dumbledore gave me a nice task. Very nice."

"And what kind of task is this, pray tell?"

"I will have to teach Occlumency to no other than Harry Potter." He spat.

I had to laugh. "Oh dear, and I was starting to worry."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, I am glad to see you amused."

"Severus, he is a boy. Why do you have such issues with him?"

"Because I know where this is heading. I will have to give up my free evenings to teach someone inept and unwilling. I told Dumbledore to teach him himself, but he said he cannot do it."

"Why not?"

"Because he thinks that there is something "special" about Harry's scar. 'Severus, I fear this is not a normal scar', 'Severus I am afraid there is a special connection between Harry and the Dark Lord', 'Severus, he needs to learn how to close his mind'. I ask you. If there is something about this scar than it is the fact that it makes Harry even more arrogant than he already is." He made a face.

"I think if Dumbledore has such suspicions you should just do it."

"Back-stabbing, that's what you do best, isn't it?" He teased.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest. "Maybe. And if you may take one good advice: If you want to vent your spleen- do it, but don't use me as your target!"

His black eyes immediately locked into mine.

"Why, well, I guess, I should apologize?"

"You will be marked with "Outstanding" for this cognition!"

He sat down, looking up at me, smiling. "You are sweet when you are angry."

He was disarming, so I decided to sit down, too.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I will do Dumbledore's bidding, of course. I know he is right, but think I've never been asked to do something that repulsing."

"Not even to kill someone?"

"Good question." He mocked, pulling out a bottle of clear liquid from under his cloak.

"What's that?"

"You will find out soon. Something finer from my muggle heritage."

I inspected the bottle labeled Vodka.

"I will tell Harry the day after tomorrow. He is still in London."

"Why not tomorrow?"

"Because tonight I want to celebrate." He opened the bottle, pouring out two shots.

I drowned the burning liquor, feeling warmer than I had done the whole day.

"Hmm, that's good stuff."

"Soon you will find out that everything in life is relative, except Vodka- it's absolute."

"Cheers!"

* * *

I was sleeping deeply when I felt a gentle hand touching my shoulder.

"Sadra?"

"Hum?"

"Sadra, wake up."

"Wasup?" I grunted. I knew the voice belonged to Severus, but he ought not to be here. It was the first day of term, he had been supposed to teach Harry Occlumency tonight, something he was never tired to comment on since his collision with Sirius two days before.

"Quick. We did it."

"Did what?" I mumbled. Did he manage to teach Harry Occlumency that fast?

"They are on our side again."

"That's crazy talk. Let me sleep." I grabbed for my pillow.

"Get up- NOW!" I felt my blanket vanishing.

"WHAT?!"

"Do as I tell you!"

"What's up with you?" I flared up. Who did he think he was to behave like this?

"The imprisoned Death Eaters are free! The Dementors joined us! I succeeded! Hurry!"

I sat up, still dizzy. What was he talking about? Did he just say that he made the Dementors join the Death Eaters? I was not sure if this was something Dumbledore would approve.

"You did this?"

"Yes. Now hurry, we are expected."

"But…what? How? I mean, you are in the Order!"

His hand slid into mine. "Don't worry. When the Dark Lord entrusted me with this mission Dumbledore and I agreed that this mission would not be worth a blow of my cover. Sooner or later they would have joined us anyway. What we have to offer them is more of their…style."

"But why are we expected?"

"The Dark Lord wishes us to greet our fellows."

"But I am not one of you!" I finally got up, starting to search my wardrobe for something adequate to wear.

"Don't you say?" He mocked. "You are supposed to come with me because you are my wife and tonight I will be honored beyond measure. I think he wants you to witness this precious moment in your dear husbands life." His gaze lingered on my body for a second while I was trying to fight my way into a tight black polo neck jumper. The hunger in his expression vanished the second he realized I was looking at him to be replaced by a sneer. "Are you ready?"

I fumbled my hair into a bun. "I think so."

* * *

The place we went to was yet again illuminated by the strange blue fire that did not emit any warmth, there was hardly any light and I was only able to make out the outlines of most of the people. Severus held my hand, it felt warm and I felt his confidence- something that calmed me down a great deal.

"Severus!" Voldemort sounded almost enthusiastic.

"My Lord." He bowed slightly.

"My faithful Death Eaters!" Voldemort's voice was unnatural loud and quivering with glee. "Tonight is a special night for all of us! I may say it is the best night since I returned to you! Severus endeavors have been crowned with success. Tonight the Dementoras of Azkaban joined our forces and released your fellows! Bid welcome to those who suffered in the dark prison for our cause!"

A door to my left opened and ten shadows emerged, walking towards Voldemort, greeted by cheering and applause from the surrounding crowd. One of the shadows was moving in a graceful manner and I knew it had to be Bellatrix, the dear old cousin of Sirius, her husband on her side. All of them looked haunted and gaunt, but nonetheless fanaticism gleamed in their eyes, especially Bellatrix was trembling with anticipation. Voldemort greeted all of them and when it was her turn, she slumped onto her knees, kissing the hem of his robes, sobbing.

"My Lord! My Lord!" She cried.

"Bellatrix. My dear, beautiful Bellatrix. Get up. Your period of suffering is over. You have been most faithful."

"My Lord, finally. I would have gone any length to find you if I only would have been given the chance!"

"I know. Now go over to your husband. Tonight we will celebrate your return."

Bellatrix turned and walked past me. I tried to hide behind Severus shoulders, but when she saw me she stopped dead.

"What is _she_ doing here?"

"She is my wife." Severus replied smoothly.

"What? You married Sirius' girlfriend?" She seemed to consider whether this was a great insult or a stupid idea.

"Obviously." The mutual dislike was tangible.

"I see." She shot me another nasty look and walked on without further comment.

Meanwhile Voldemort had finished to welcome back the Death Eaters from Askaban and a goblet full of red wine appeared in the hand of every attendant.

"My friends! Let's raise our goblets and drink to Severus! He is the man that made this night possible. And he did it quick. To Severus!"

"To Severus!" The crowd toasted. I gave him a side glance, but he did not seem to be affected by the scene. He was standing tall, his lips curled in his usual slight sneer, his expression otherwise unfathomable. I felt a rush of pride by the very sight of him again. Whatever he did, he did it right.

He turned to face me, giving me a light smile. "Are you okay?"

"Sure." I whispered.

"Come here." He drew me closer and slowly started to kiss me. I felt like fainting. Never in my life I had wished a kiss to last forever more than this very second. The onlookers cheered and some of them wolf-whistled.

"Well, well. I say we should drink to this beautiful couple! May they have a son soon!" Voldemort raised his goblet again.

Severus broke the kiss, sneering again while my head was swimming. How much I missed him!

"And to make a perfect evening even more perfect-" Voldemort continued- "Macnair here sent a nice little present to our friend Bode!"

Most of the Death Eaters seemed to be confused, Severus clearly not.

"And this nice little present did what it was supposed to do just two hours ago!"

Still the Death Eaters didn't know what he was talking about.

"It strangled him!" Voldemort laughed, some of the Death Eaters started to grin, but still his words didn't seem to make any sense.

"My dear Death Eaters- the nice little Christmas gift has been a Devil's Snare!"

People started cheering again, a lot of them laughed hearty. Clearly, most of them thought it highly amusing to present a Devil's Snare to an unconscious man. I wondered why the Healers in St. Mungo's didn't recognize it, because the plant was not exactly confusable.

The rest of the night was devoted to drinking and jovial small-talk, people didn't seem to think about the next day. I was wondering how Severus would be able to teach tomorrow, let alone me.

It was seven o'clock in the morning when we arrived back at my house.

"Great, no sleep." I grunted.

"Come on, you are used to staying up all night, aren't you?"

"Yes, but I usually spend the following day in bed and not behind my desk."

Severus scrutinized me. "You did well tonight."

I smiled, remembering his kiss. "So did you- obviously. Naughty boy- making the Dementors join the Death Eaters." This second the truth hit me like a hammer. WHAT did he do? What were they up to?

"Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"Will there be a second war?"

"I am afraid yes." He shrugged.

I wanted him to hold me in his arms and give me the peaceful feeling of being protected, but when I was close to him, he gently stopped me.

"No. I gave you that kiss to tonight because I thought it might be convenient. And it was. But don't let us confuse things. I will leave now. I have lessons to give."


	43. Obstinacy

AN: Today I am asking all those people whose favorite story this is to review. Thank you Rose of the West for your constant feedback!

**Chapter 43**

**-****Obstinacy-**

Spring had arrived and it had been about time. I enjoyed the warmth of the air outside, the blooming flowers everywhere around me and the gentle breeze the sea brought to my terrace. I sat there, having a nice glass of wine and was reading. Severus had written one of his usual short letters to me, informing me about the what-happs in Hogwarts.

„_Dear Sadra,_

_I am sure you already saw the interview Harry Potter gave to the Quibbler. He received tons of letters from the readers. It was great fun to see Umbridge going berserk about this. She banned the magazine from school immediately, threatening people to be expelled from school if she catches them reading it. She is so far from being a psychiatrist as I am from being a divination teacher, I can tell you. Of course, pupils (dumb as they may be in studies concerning their future) invented a lot of tricks to read it anyway and by forbidding it, she has just made sure that everyone is going to read it, including those people who are not interested in this issue at all. Anyway, I told you before that this woman is incredibly stupid._

_The best thing she did so far was to sack Sybille Trelawny. I mean, what does a school of the reputation Hogwarts has, need a divination teacher for? „Unfogging the future"- sure. If she would have managed to „unfog" the future we would not be sitting here now and doing what we are supposed to do. I think Dumbledore has kept her in school so the Dark Lord will not be able to get to her and question her about the prophecy she has made. Inapt as she is, I am pretty sure she doesn't even remember what she told Dumbledore. Well, you know him, he is always keeping people nice and safe. After Umbridge gave her the boot, he insisted that she can continue to live here. It was a pathetic scene. I was down in the dungeon, trying to teach Potter Occlumency when I heard her screaming. No composure whatsoever. _

_Talking about Potter- he is in a bad need to focus on learning Occlumency, but he is not improving at all. I found out that he somehow managed to witness the torturing of Avery for misinforming the Dark Lord about Bode. I told you what he did to him…I told him flat out that it is my job to find out what the Dark Lord is saying to his Death Eaters, but I think he enjoys the attention to much. And I am pretty sure our dear Black is edging him on, too. Maybe he tells Potter to check if the information I give to Dumbledore is correct. I really have no clue who he thinks he is. Except, of course the Boy who lived or whatever. _

_Well, you see- a lot is going on here. I hope it's more quite at your place. I'll write to you again soon._

_Bye, Severus"_

I sighed, putting the letter aside. "_Bye, Severus_"- that was good as "_sincerely yours_". On my table there was the March issue of the Quibbler, of course I had read and reread it about a thousand times and whoever gave Harry the idea to do this interview had advised him wisely. I took another sip of my wine when I heard a tiny plop.

I winced. Who had just apparated into my peaceful garden? I quickly grabbed for wand, I had with me all the time now. Yes, I guess even I am capable of learning.

"Sadra?" A soft female voice whispered.

"Tonks? Is that you?" What on earth was she doing here?

"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten you. Dumbledore sent me here to fetch you."

"Dumbledore? To fetch me? Why that?"

"He got sacked."

"He got _what_?"

"Sacked. He had to flee. The Ministry tried to arrest him."

"Him? How can the Ministry try to arrest Dumbledore? I mean he is the Headmaster!"

"Well, they did not manage to arrest him after all, but come with me. We have an emergency-meeting of the Order. Dumbldore asks you to come so you can attend in place of Severus. He cannot leave Hogwarts now."

"But what happened?"

"Did Severus tell you about the group Harry founded in October?"

"Sure." I quickly slid into my shoes and grabbed for a travelling cloak.

"Someone has sneaked on them. A girl from their group- Marietta was her name I think. Luckily, Kingsley was with the Aurors, so he managed to confund the stupid girl before she was able to wreak even more havoc. Umbridge tried to question Harry about it, because student's societies are banned now as you know and therefore wanted to expel him from school, so Dumbledore took the blame and told them that everything had been his idea. Fudge himself was at Hogwarts and he thought that Dumbldore wants to revolt against the Ministry by founding a student's army. So he tried to arrest him. Didn't work out, of course. Now he is in London and wants to talk to us. And you."

Damn, that woman was able to give a full report without taking a breath or interruption.

"Okay, let's go."

* * *

The kitchen in Grimmuald Place was lit by a nice, warm fire. Nearly the whole Order was there. Dumbledore told us again what had happened in Hogwarts.

"Well, I think matters are getting out of hand. I never thought that Fudge distrusts me that much." Dumbledore just finished.

"Albus, you always knew that he envied you! Ministry kept asking you over and over again to become Minister of Magic." Remus seemed to be surprised that the situation had caught Dumbledore off guard.

"I know, Remus, I know. But I also thought that Fudge would be intelligent enough to realize that my refusal did not serve the purpose to overcome him a few years later. I have always and will in the future care about the education of young witches and wizards most." The old man sighed.

"He is such an idiot." Sirius grunted.

"Maybe he is, but now it is open hostility between us and the Ministry- something I never wanted to happen."

"What about Hogwarts, Albus? Do you think you can leave your school at the mercy of Dolores Umbridge?" Kingsely asked.

"I have no choice. I guess Cornelius will appoint her the new Headmistress. But let him think he has Hogwarts under his control finally. He will soon enough find out how much he was mistaken."

"But, Albus- what about the pupils?" Remus looked scandalized by the mere thought of Umbridge being in charge in Hogwarts.

"There is nothing about Umbridge that directly endangers them. Not as long as Minerva and Severus are still there."

"Snape – yeah right." Sirius snarled. "Rather a Death Eater than a half-breed-hater."

I shot him a nasty glance.

"Sirius, you know that I trust Severus and that's it. Minerva and Severus will take care of the children."

"And where are you going to stay?" I wanted to know.

Dumbledore smiled at me warmly. I thought it was obvious to ask something like that, but he seemed to be touched.

"I have a place to go to, don't worry. Besides, without my duties in school I may have some more time to look into some other matters…"

I shrugged.

"Sadra, it is most important that Severus keeps teaching Occlumency to Harry, no matter what happens. Most important! That's why I wanted you to attend our meeting here tonight. Harry is not allowed to interrupt his studies. I want you to keep an eye on Severus and you, Sirius, to keep an eye on Harry. They seem to be as different as chalk and cheese. They love each other like Severus and James used to."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, because man he is, he is bawling Harry out."

"Sirius, it okay." Remus appeared to be annoyed by the constant picking on Severus.

* * *

Sure enough, it was exactly two nights later when the clinking of glasses woke me in the dead of the night. Somehow I knew that it was Severus, but nonetheless I tiptoed to the living-room, armed with my wand.

"Severus?"

"Yes." His voice sounded pressed.

"What are you doing here?" I saw that he had helped himself to Vodka.

"I wanted to get out of Hogwarts a little!" He snapped.

"Uh, sorry. Don't mind me- come to my house in the middle of the night and be angry that you have to talk to me- no problem."

His black eyes seemed to glisten with fury. "Excuse me." He drowned his shot, refilling quickly.

"And what, pray tell, made you come here and drink Vodka? It's Wednesday or Thursday, something between eleven and four o'clock. Not the time for a courtesy call, right?"

"Potter!"

"Now what did he do this time?" Harry seemed to be reasonably talented when it came to trouble-making.

"This little snotty brat seized the opportunity of my absence to take a peek into the Pensive."

"Oh, my gosh!" There was need to ask further, I could remember the Pensive only too well and putting two and two together, I had a vague idea of what must have happened. "What did he see?"

"He…" Severus was breathing hard, "he witnessed a little nice scene from my schooldays."

Needless to ask which one. I knew there would be only one scene Severus would be hiding.

"Oh dear. What did you do?"

"I threw him out." Severus still was radiating hate.

"You didn't slap him?"

He gave me an annihilating look. "No."

He sat down while drowning his third shot. I slid next to him and started to massage his shoulders.

"Severus, just calm down." I felt his tenseness loosen a little under my touch.

"No." He groaned.

"I guess, he won't tell anyone?"

"If he does, he will be as dead as his father."

"I know you will contradict now, but calling Lily a mudblood is not that bad, is it? I mean he doesn't know the story behind this scene and I guess he won't be surprised to hear you call someone else a mudblood." I knew I had too far the second I finished the sentence.

Severus turned to face me, his voice murderous.

"So you think it is okay? I ruined my life that very day! They took my pants off! The only condition for our lessons was NOT to look into that Pensive. And even one condition is asked too much if Harry Potter is concerned, right? Poor boy won't be surprised to hear me call someone a mudblood. No, indeed. You would be surprised what I'd love to call _you_ now." He got up and took his cloak.

"Severus, please." I tried to get hold of his wrist, but he shook me off.

"Go away."

"Severus, you mustn't stop to teach Occlumency, do you hear me?"

He snorted.

"Severus, please! Dumbledore told me to keep an eye on you. You can't stop it."

"No. I will not endure the presence of this spoiled, stupid boy a second longer! He is too stupid to learn anyway. I couldn't care less. May the Dark Lord kill him."

"Severus, please calm down."

"I am calm. But there will be no more lessons with Harry Potter and there will be no more visits to my dear wife when I need a place to rest my head at."

"Severus, I didn't mean to…"

"What? To trivialize the biggest mistake a man can make?"

"I didn't mean to disagree with you. What he did was utterly stupid. I..I..just wanted you to keep up the lessons! Dumbledore said they would be crucial."

"Well, if it's that crucial he may teach this boy himself. I will not do it. I am fed up."

"But…"

"But no."

"But it's your obligation to help him!"

"I saved his dumb ass only yesterday when I gave fake Veritaserum to Umbridge. She wanted to question him about Dumbledore and Black. Thank Merlin that she is just as stupid as he is. Every decent witch would have realized the cheat. I am through with Potter."

"Severus."

"Shh." His long finder gently traced my lips, his eyes focused on mine.

"Go to bed now, you are tired. I will do whatever is necessary, but nothing else."


	44. Farewell

AN: Please feel free to leave a review!

**Chapter 44**

**-****Farewell-**

May came all too soon. I had tried countless times to persuade Severus into teaching Harry again, but all he would do is smirk and shake his head no.

A letter from Dumbledore had arrived, asking me to do exactly what I was trying to do already, but all begging was fruitless. Severus acted deaf.

Sure enough Sirius got wind of this, too. Obviously he had forced Remus to write me a letter, evading a break of his promise to Dumbledore to respect Severus' rules, but still cutting out on the latter.

"_Dear Sadra,_

_yesterday Harry contacted us via Floo (he somehow managed to break into Umbridge's office, the Weasley twins distracted her and have been expelled for this). Harry told us that he had looked into Dumbledore's Pensive and witnessed a scene from Severus' youth. Snape must have caught him and threw him out, refusing to teach him Occlumency ever since. What can you do about this? Please meet us at Headquarters as soon as possible. There is a meeting both Snape and Dumbledore will attend tomorrow._

_Love, Remus"_

Well, the mixture of all Snapes and Severus' made it easy for me to figure out who was the one behind the letter.

So I found myself back at the kitchen of Grimmauld Place once again the next evening. The eyes of Mrs. Weasley seemed to be red and swollen, the fact that her sons got kicked out of Hogwarts, clearly had finished her off. Remus was patting her back gently, trying to soothe her. Mundugus was smoking his disgusting pipe or whatever it was, while Kingsley talked to Tonks and Hestia Jones. Sirius was immediately striding towards me, he was on the warpath, I could tell.

"What is your husband thinking?" He barked at me for welcome.

"Hello, Sirius."

"How can he stop to teach Harry Occlumency? You know how important that is!"

"I know and I already tried to persuade him into continuing, but he refuses. Now what?"

"I will have a word with him about this!" Sirius flared up.

"Fine, do that." I sat down and grabbed for a butterbeer standing on the table.

Unfortunately, Sirius chose to keep me as his target as long as Severus was not there and sat down opposite from me. I looked into his grey eyes, once so livid, now so stale. Did I really ever had feelings for this man? Sure, I know, I had, but I couldn't recall them the second he sat there, staring at me disgruntled. I used to love the young version of him, but ever since he had returned from Askaban, he was a different kind of person. I knew I couldn't judge him for that, but still it was his fault that landed him in prison after all. I had reunited with a memory. I could have kicked myself. I didn't love this man anymore. I loved a different man. Why did I have to ruin it?

"Why are you so silent? No defending Snape?"

"Oh, Sirius- please. I am sure he will speak for himself. Besides, I am not here to make his excuses."

The next person to arrive was Dumbledore. He looked well-rested and happy. After he had greeted the Order he sat down next to Sirius, cheerfully winking at me.

"Sadra, how are you?"

"Fine. The only thing is- I didn't manage to persuade Severus into continuing the lessons."

"I know. Neither did I."

"What?" Sirius snapped. "He refuses?"

"He indeed does."

"But what now? You said it would be crucial for Harry to learn Occlumency?" I insisted.

"I know. But what can we do? I can't teach him myself and Severus is not willing to continue. You know about his pride." The old man sighed.

"You mean- you just allow him to give the lessons up? Because of his personality disorder?" Sirius groused.

"I can't force him to continue. And if Harry is practicing every night, there will be no need to have actual lessons any longer."

Both, Sirius and me, snorted. Dumbledore really tended to think better about people than they deserved. This moment, Severus entered the kitchen, his black cloak billowing behind him.

"Evening all." His black eyes swept over the scene.

"Ah! See who is finally paying us a visit." Sirius swore.

"Shut it, Black." Severus was in no good mood.

"Uhuh, no need to be that nice. Say, how does it feel to let a helpless boy down?"

"Did I let you down?" Severus raised his eyebrows in mock surprise.

"You are well aware about whom we are talking!"

"If you are talking about your dear godson- I didn't let him down, I am just not willing to take cheek from him. There was a simple and plain condition for our lessons- no looking into the Pensive. He doesn't deserve better."

"You know that he needs the lessons!"

"So did he."

"You are nothing more than a mentally deranged person! He is still a boy! Be a man about something once in your life!"

"Do I have to listen to that rubbish all the time? It's starting to bore me."

"Well, I'll give you something more interesting then!" Sirius got up, his fists clenched.

"Show me!" Severus crossed his arms, staring at Sirius despising.

"No!" Dumbledore banged his fist on the table. "Stop! I have enough of this! Sirius, sit down!"

Sirius remained standing, but he was moving no longer.

"We are supposed to be a brotherhood! Strong as one man! Now look at you!" The old man continued to speak, sounding desperate.

Severus and Sirius stared at each other, loathing in both their gazes. Dumbledore's piercing blue eyes flickered between them.

"Now, Severus, I'd like to talk to you- in the drawing-room."

My husband slightly bowed his head and turned to leave the room.

After he and Dumbledore had left, Sirius started to rampage again.

"I will kill him! I will kill that bastard!"

"Sirius! Be calm. We all don't like him, but he is important." This time Tonks was interfering.

"He is not. Who says that he isn't betraying us? Selling us out? Has anybody ever seen proof for his loyalty? He is laughing about us!"

"He is a man of strict principles." Remus voice was very silent.

Sirius was turning to face him with a look of wanting to kill him for this.

"What you call principles is madness." He spat.

"Sadra, what do you say?" Yes, thank you so much Remus. Involving me in a conversation like this…

"He is true to the Order." I decided to answer.

"How on earth do you know?!" Sirius was going for me again.

"He just is." Was there any sense in trying to be reasonable with him?

"Oh, only because he is making the clown for you doesn't necessarily mean he is true to us!"

"I am getting sick of this, you know?" I was unnerved.

"You are nothing more than his whore."

"WHAT?"

"You got me!"

"Okay, Sirius Black. There is only one thing to be left to say to you: Fuck off, you swellheaded, dumb-ass brick- head! I HATE you! I HATE you for showing up in my life again, and I hate myself for ever allowing you to enter it! I should have never have said a word to you again. YOU fucked it up! You ruined my fucking life! In the past and now! Don't you ever dare to talk to me again!"

With that I grabbed my cloak and left.

* * *

Severus stood in Dumbledore's office.

"Why did he go there? I asked him- I positively asked him- not to go there!"

"I know. But I am afraid your request was goading him into going there, too."

"You are not intending to blame this on me?"

"Never. I know you. I know that you are not egging people on to run into their death."

"Who killed him?"

"Bellatrix."

"His own cousin?"

"You know they haven't been very 'familiar'."

"Well, nonetheless."

"Nonetheless." Dumbledore tried to search the face of Snape for any hint of triumph, glee or happiness, but there was nothing to be seen for him. "You have done well tonight."

"I am not sure about this."

"I thought Harry would be able to manage Occlumency for himself after weeks and weeks of your teaching. You are a good teacher." He was falling quite.

"He never even tried to learn. I do not want to say this, but it is true- he never practiced, he never was able to…."

"Thank you, Severus. We all know this by now. It was my fault in the first place. I should have told him why he had to learn this. Whether from me or from you. It doesn't matter. Instead, I preferred to trust that things will be happening the way I want them to. What a stupid mistake. I am an old man. I should have known all of this. Known you, known Sirius, known Harry. What else except but knowledge does age give to you? How come, I oversaw this?"

"Don't blame yourself. I should have kept on teaching him."

"Maybe yes, maybe no. After all, I know he doesn't trust you. I should have done it myself. But what is said, is said, and what is done, is done."

"But the consequences?"

"We all will have to pay for them. I am old and still I am stupid. You are young. You had to suffer from things Sirius and Sadra did. It is not your fault. I should have given the lessons to him."

Severus' face was still composed. "I still should have anticipated this."

"You couldn't. How could we? It was Kreacher who sent him there. This is nothing we could have anticipated." Still, he was unsure.

Snape flicked his jaw-bones, looking at the wall. "Still, he was no great use."

"I made him of no use!"

"He was of no use! What else should you have told him except to stay home?! He was searched for mass-murder and of what kind of use he would have been? He messed up some fourteen years ago and what now? Ministry is against us, what could we have done?"

"Maybe, you are right. Who will tell Sadra?"

"I will."

"Is that a good idea?"

"You want to do it? The last time she saw him, she told him to fuck off."

"I know."

"I am surely not begging for this job."

"I will have to talk to Harry."

"A problem shared is a problem halved."

"Are you sure you will be able to suppress your happiness?"

"You may say I am a bad person, you may say I am an evil person, but right now- I am not happy." Snape left with his cloak billowing behind him, leaving it to Dumbledore to figure out whether he was lying or not.

* * *

"So he is dead." I looked at my wall, searching for an answer.

"He is."

"How did he die?"

"Bellatrix killed him."

"Avada cedavra?"

"Yes."

"Why was he there?"

Severus quickly retold me the events of the night, seeming uneasy.

"Fine."

"Nothing more?"

"No. What else can I say?" I looked up into his face, starting to tremble, but I tried to hide it my very best. Pictures from our youth appeared in front of my eyes. He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't. He used to be so young, full of adventure and laughter. He was the father of my child. I had loved him. Like a lunatic. He fucked up. What now? There would be no chance for me to apologize for the last things I had said to him- never. I felt tears forming in my eyes, not sure whether it was my sorrow or the sorrow I felt for him. Sirius wouldn't come back any more. No more Sirius Black. Never.

Severus was leaning against the wall, staring into my eyes. His gaze was completely inscrutable. I wished he would come over to me, but he didn't move. The tears started to fall, I couldn't hold them back, still unsure whether I was crying for Sirius or myself.

"Severus." I sobbed. "Could you please hold me?"

"While you are crying because of him? No."

"Severus." I pleaded, but all he did, was to brush away a tear from my cheek with his thumb.

"This your sorrow, not mine. You will have to go through it on your own."

I went to pieces. "Severus! Don't leave me alone! Please."

He grabbed for me, hugging me tight for a few seconds. "I will leave now. I am sorry, but I cannot watch you mourning over him. He stole too much from me. He doesn't deserve better."

"But I….I don't love him anymore. I am just…sad..confused!"

The black eyes bored into mine once more. "I will go now. The Dark Lord wants to talk with me about the fiasco Lucius and the others made. He will be very angry."

"But what about us?"

"Us?"

"I thought…"

"It's easy to know what you think. Now he is dead I have no reason to be reserved towards you anymore, is it that?"

I nodded, sobbing.

"He wasn't the one cheating on me, my dear. You'll find another one. The problem is you, not him." With that he left the room.


	45. Borderlines

AN: Sorry that it took me ages to update, but I was very busy with exams! Now I wrote another chapter and hope I will get a lot of reviews to keep me writing!

**Chapter 45**

**-Borderlines****-**

I slept bad for the next couple of days, tossing and turning, dreaming mad things about Sirius or Severus, sometimes nightmarish, sometimes beautiful. Often I woke up, sweated or frightened, wishing Severus would be at my side to calm me, but I hadn't heard from him for a while.

I tried my very best to shield Adhara from my viciousness, but of course, she too, recognized that I was in a bad state.

"Mom, what's wrong with you?" She kept asking, but what was I to tell her? Your father is dead, honey? Your step-father will hate me for the rest of my life because I cheated on him with your father? Too much drama even for a whole bunch of soap opera episodes if you ask me. So I just shook my head.

Viciousness was followed by depression. I would lay on my bed for hours and hours, staring at the ceiling, not knowing what to live or wait for. Not even Clot was able to reach me. I would listen to her talking, not hearing her words, they were deflected off me. So when Clot decided to take Adhara with her on a vacation to Italy, I agreed. It was the best solution for all of us. I was able to stare at the ceiling for a little longer and my child would have some kind of a holiday at least. Congratulations. Staring at the ceiling was oddly satisfying, and I didn't even feel like drinking anymore- which says something...

It must have been three weeks after my fight with Severus when I heard the gentle knock on my window, causing me to jump to my feet. It had to be something from Severus! All languor vanished on the spot. Greedily I ripped open the letter, the owl had delivered, reading it flabbergasted:

"_Dearest Sadra,_

_tonight there will be an important reception at my house. I will have very special guests that wish for you to come. Be there at nine o'clock or they will be displeased._

_Yours, Narcissa"_

Now what was it _she_ wanted?! Nonetheless I was greedy to see Severus again, so there was no choice but going there. Reading between the lines I was perfectly aware that this "reception" was some kind of Death Eater meeting and it was easy to guess that the only displeased-with-my-non-appearance-guest would be Voldemort himself.

* * *

Though it was June the night I arrived at Malfoy's manner was chilly and misty. I came there on my own, I hadn't heard from Severus so I assumed we weren't expected as a couple. The hallway appeared to be ice-cold, and Narcissa who came floating towards me in a most somnambulistic way appeared to be completely absent-minded. She even missed to make some remarks about her higher social ranking, something that surely never had happened before.

"Sadra, such a pleasure. I am glad you came."

"Narcissa, it has been a while. Where is Lucius?"

Narcissa seemed to focus on my face for the first time. "Didn't Severus tell you?" Her high voice was rattling with suppressed tears.

"Ah, he was working a lot and ah, we had some sort of fight…you know."

Luckily, Narcissa was so absorbed in her own thoughts that she didn't recognize that my excuse was a poor one even for my standards. And it was surely even less "convincing" after I heard what she told me about the happenings in the night they all went to the Ministry. No fight whatsoever (except, of course the Sirius situation) would have kept Severus from telling me this! After all, we still counted as a happy couple here.

Narcissa led me to the parlor where a lot of other Death Eaters and their spouses gathered around one of those blue fires, handing me a glass of Firewhisky. I gulped the brown liquor quickly, wanting more. Lucius and the others were arrested. What was the purpose of this meeting tonight? Would Voldemort try to close ranks? Would he force those who were not Death Eaters themselves to join him? My fingers around the refilled glass were numb and cold.

"You shouldn't be here." The deep, dark and calm voice of Severus sent down a chill on my spine.

"Why not?" I didn't turn to face him.

"Times have changed."

"I know. Some of you arrested, the Minister is aware now of his return."

"Obviously you found some time for reading the paper while mourning Black. I am impressed." His hot breath was close to my ear, making it hard to think.

"I already told you- I am not mourning him."

"It is dangerous here these days. The orders we get are becoming more and more vicious. You really should have asked me about this. I would have made your excuses." He was clearly ignoring my statement about Sirius, but there was this mocking tenderness in his voice I had missed so much. I didn't want to fight with him again.

"Well, a little late, I guess."

"Right."

"What will he make me do?"

"I doubt it will be what he makes you do, it will be what you will have to witness."

"Why?"

"We captured some of them."

"Of whom?"

"The Order."

"What?" My whisper came out a little louder than I had planned.

"Shhht. Remember Amelia Bones and Emmeline Vance?"

"Sure." I gasped.

"Amelia is dead and Emmeline will die here tonight."

"But Severus!" My voice was hallow with shock. "You have to help them!"

"I can't."

"But she…she…please. You can't allow this."

"I will not blow my cover for this." His voice became cold now.

"Severus!"

"Don't contradict me." I felt his warm, strong hand on my shoulders. I wanted to object, but his touch made the words disappear from my mouth. "As I have said before, you shouldn't be here. You should have asked me about this invitation. But- as usual- you acted on your own accord. Now you will have to face the consequences. Keep your mouth shut. This here is more important than you." I felt his hands vanishing from my shoulders, leaving them oddly cold. _'This here is more important than you'_? So- was he a Death Eater after all?

I turned, wanting to face him, but he was gone.

Instead the doors of the dining-room sprang open and Narcissa gestured me to follow her. The room was all dark and even colder than the hallway. There was no fire or lamp lit, but still I was able to see everything in a weird twilight. A woman was on the floor, her face was blue and black and so swollen one couldn't figure out her features anymore. The Death Eaters stood around her in a circle, the other guests and spouses behind them, trying to get a good look at the bloody mass of flesh that once had been a human face. There was no way telling whether this was Emmeline Vance or not.

"Mrs. Snape." I winced.

"Don't be afraid, Mrs. Snape." Voldemort placed a most delicate kiss on my hand. "Or is there anything that scares you?"

My mouth was dry and I was fighting hard to regain my composure. Severus was right- I shouldn't have showed up there. Especially not without practicing a whole lot of Occlumency before.

"I see that you are still not with child."

"Ah, no. Most unfortunately not." My voice was less than convincing.

"I will have a word about this with Severus. You do want to have children, Mrs. Snape?"

"Of course, which woman doesn't love to have kids?" This time my voice was strong enough to fake some indignation. Sure- we love children. Each and every woman wants to have hundreds of them…

"Still you seem to be unhappy."

"No, my Lord. It's just the circumstances. I am…I am not used to see people in state like this." My hand waved in the vague direction of Emmeline Vance.

"Of course, Mrs. Snape. A delicate witch like you should not be bothered with this. _Avada cedavra_." A flash of green light hit the body of Emmeline, causing the onlookers to jump. Her body twitched, then it was over.

My mouth hung open. Did he just kill her…because of? Because of what? Because I said the ugly sight was bothering me? I felt sick. Maybe there would have been a chance for her to escape? Maybe Severus would have been able to save her?

"Take her away." Voldemort's voice commanded two Death Eaters next to him. I fought nausea. I had to stay calm. "Well, I hope you are feeling better now?" Voldemort asked, turning to look at me. Was he torturing me?

"Ha, well." I smiled lightly. "Well, this was not exactly what I meant. I was rather asking myself why she was so battered."

"Didn't Severus tell you that she was one of those Order sluts?"

"Sure he did."

"What's the matter then?"

"I...I was just confused. I am not used to the sight of tortured people. That's all. Maybe I am really a little delicate." I giggled.

"You know, you didn't seem to be delicate the last time you were here with an Order slut, _Miss Burke_. On the contrary, if I recall correctly." His red eyes narrowed a little.

I swallowed hard. Things were clearly getting out of hands here.

"What are you implying, my Lord?"

"I remember your past, Mrs. Snape and I wonder if it actually _is_ past."

"Are you indicating the time you suspected me in the Order? You were wrong then and you are definitely wrong now. I am not interested in this…woman."

He shrugged, narrowing his eyes even more, making me feel really close to the edge.

"No, no. It was just her squished face, my Lord. After all, I am a woman. I have problems facing disgusting things." I tried to save my neck.

"Severus, come here." Voldemort called, leaving me to guess why he was calling for him.

Severus appeared, again he seemed to be completely unaffected.

"My Lord?"

"I want a word." Both turned their backs on me and left the room. My hands started trembling immediately, so I grabbed for a glass of Firewhisky. Great, I should have stayed at home! First, I accidently caused Voldemort to kill Emmeline on the spot, now I behaved so suspicious, Voldemort thought I was a member of the Order again! Quickly, I snatched a whole bottle of Firewhisky from a cabinet nearby and headed for the garden. I preferred to die in the company of some creepy peacocks, drunk.

* * *

It was about half an hour later, when Severus found me on the backrest of a bench, still having Firewhisky.

"Well done."

"What? When are we going to die?" I laughed, the Firewhisky was working.

"No, I was serious." Never you were….

"Hmmm? _You_ are telling _me_ something _I_ did was right?"

"You are drunk." He sat down on the backrest next to me.

"Right you are."

"The Dark Lord thinks you are emotionally unstable." Severus grinned evilly.

I stared at him in disbelief. "No." How did this wonderful man figured that one out?! How could I be emotionally unstable after the latest events?!

"But yes. Due to the fact that you are still not pregnant." He sighed, stretching his long legs.

I snorted. This one was really good. For a second I was asking myself how on earth Voldemort could be a mighty evil wizard if he was so void of all human feeling. Was he really thinking this? Did he really think I was "unstable" because I was not pregnant with a pure-blooded-super-child when he was killing humans in front of me?

"Give me some." Severus took the bottle from my hands, taking a good sip.

"And now?"

"Sadra, this has been a close catch. All I can tell you is that Emmeline Vance would have died tonight anyway. I guess you have made her lot easier. But it is sheer luck that the Dark Lord tries to be nice to you because he sees you a valuable pure-blood. He is not a nice person, so his fruitless attempts to understand your female feelings saved our lives tonight. But I doubt he will make this mistake again."

"Severus, he killed her, because I said I did not like the sight of her." I hiccoughed.

His black eyes bored into mine.

"There is nothing that could have prevented her death tonight, if it's that what bothers you. But you will have to learn how to cope with situations like this. There will be more and more of them. You remember what we did the last time. You just haven't been here."

"I am not sure if I can stand this."

"You promised."

"But what if we just…"

"Do you think this would make a difference? Do you think he will become a nice man if I make you a baby?"

"Well no, it's just…"

"It's just that you want to get out of this, right? You want to avoid this. But there is no way out of this anymore. We have gone too far, there will be no retreat and no surrender from now on."

"But I can't stand this without you by my side. Don't you understand that? I just came here because I wanted to see you, to talk to you."

"You could have owled me."

"That's not the same."

"It's never the same with you, Sadra. Listen, I made myself clear. You chose Black over me after all I've done for you. I will neither forgive nor forget this. I tried my best to give you my heart and you know what this means. And you threw it away, the first opportunity you got. And don't tell me about opportunities before him you let pass. Black was your litmus test and you failed."


	46. Bedtime Stories

AN: If you like what you read, feel free to leave a review!

**Chapter 46**

**-****Bedtime Stories-**

Severus, as so often, was leaning against the railing of my balcony, his feet crossed casually, in his hand a glass of rosé. After we had left the Malfoy manner he had decided that it was safer for us to stay at my house together.

"The last think we need is Death Eaters to inquire about the state of our marriage."

I enjoyed his stay. Of course, he was sleeping on my couch, but all in all the days were like usual married-couple-days. Working, shopping, cooking, eating, reading, talking, sometimes watching TV, though Severus still didn't like the Muggle-nonsense very much. I was glad to have company, to be honest. After all, we were friends and I had been very lonesome.

This night we had rosé and talked about a certain potion, disagreeing about its best way of brewing when a silver misty figure appeared behind him.

I knew it was one the Patronus-things and it was flying fast towards us, moaning, and the closer it came the more distinctive the word became:

"Severus." Over and over again.

"What the fuck?" Severus already grabbed for his potions-bag, ready to disappear. I stared at the misty figure wondering why Fawkes wasn't coming himself, because it was distinctively an imprint of Dumbledore's phoenix.

Severus was gone without another word, and I became anxious. What on earth made Dumbledore send his Patronus? His voice had been all weak and fragile. I took the bottle and sat down, watching the clock. One hour…two hours…three hours…what was happening? Did Voldemort catch Dumbledore? Was something wrong with Harry? All kinds of thoughts crossed my mind, one idea more stupid than the next.

It was half past four when he came back. Without saying hello he took my bottle of Firewhisky and helped himself to a shot. I walked over to the table where he was standing.

"What has happened?" My mouth was dry with fear.

Severus looked at me over the edge of his glass, his black eyes glittering.

"Dumbledore wants me to kill him." He stated very matter-of-factly.

"He wants what?!" I shook my head, hoping whatever was blocking my acoustic meatus and making me hear things would fall out.

"He wants me to kill him." Severus smiled evilly.

"Ah. And what took you so long then?" He was kidding me, so there was no need to be nice.

"Not tonight."

"Oh, and why not? Dinner invitation?"

Severus grinned. "Hardly."

I watched him drinking, raising my eyebrows to indicate that I was still waiting for a satisfying answer.

"It's true. He wants me to kill him. Because of Draco."

"Draco? Malfoy? Why that?" This was becoming more and more ridiculous.

"Well, you should know that the Dark Lord was very unhappy with Lucius' performance in the Ministry. After all, who wouldn't? Not able to fight a bunch of teenagers…well, now the Dark Lord wants Draco Malfoy to kill Dumbledore to repay his fathers debts. Or dies trying. And if he dies trying it will be my time to shine."

"No way. Draco can't kill Dumbledore. That's simply impossible. A boy like him can't kill one of the most powerful wizards alive."

"Dumbledore is not intending to struggle."

"What? This is madness, right?"

"He is going to die next summer."

"What? Why that?"

"He is infected with a strengthening _Septicaplagurus_ curse."

"What? How? I mean- this is dark magic only…oh. But isn't the curse bound to an item?"

"It is. It was ring and Dumbledore put it on."

"He did what? He put on a cursed ring? Is he senile?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "And I wonder why he didn't summon me earlier. It is a miracle he is still alive." His thoughtful voice trailed away.

"So you managed to contain the curse?"

"Yes, but he will die."

"And now he sacrifices his fading life to Draco?"

"To me." He sighed. "We both agree there is no way Draco is going to kill Dumbledore. But if he is dying anyway we want to make it look like I did it. He wants me to do it. The Dark Lord wants me to do it, too. Funny, now I come to think about it."

"Very funny, indeed." I searched his face for further explanation.

"Look, Sadra- to make a long story short. The Dark Lord is not expecting Draco to succeed, but he wants to see him try and fail to torture Lucius and Narcissa. The Dark Lord is gaining strength and power, he thinks he will soon be ruling our world again, so there is no need for me to stay in Hogwarts as his spy. To prove my loyalty he wants me to kill Dumbledore in the expected case of Draco's failure. And now Dumbledore wants me to do it, too."

"But you can't kill Dumbledore. What about the Order? Without Dumbledore they will not be able to stop the Dark Lord!"

"He is going to die anyway. Don't forget that."

"But…" I really had no clue what to say.

Severus took another shot of Firewhisky. "You see, this is the best way. My cover will not be blown."

"What will you need a cover for when the Dark Lord will be reigning again?"

"No need then. But if Dumbledore wouldn't be dying anyway, I wouldn't have killed him. You know that this would have been my death sentence."

I slowly nodded. I really tended to forget what Severus was actually doing every now and then.

"And the good news is…." he grinned mischievously "in return for the little favor of killing Dumbledore I will be made Defence against the Dark Arts teacher."

"You must be so happy." I remarked in a laconic way.

"You know what I like best about you?" He smiled.

"What?"

"The more awkward the situation becomes the cooler you become. I really like that."

I had to laugh, followed by a hollow sigh.

"What will happen to all of us?" Dumbledore had always been there, I had never actually liked the old man, but he was the only reliable constant in this world. The only one to fight Voldemort.

Severus strode over to me, allowing his hand to glide through my hair, pulling me close to his chest, whispering in my ear: "Don't worry. We will find a way out of this."

* * *

It was two days later- a misty night, the roll of thunder was coming closer and the air was unbearable sticky. I had opened my window, trying to get some breeze, but my attempts were fruitless. Severus had been summoned to the Dark Lord hours ago.

I still wasn't able to grasp the whole situation. A lot of what-ifs joined the general confusion. Seeing that I wouldn't be able to reach a conclusion anyway, I decided to take a shower, the only way to get some refreshment.

Wrapped in a towel I came out, nearly running into Severus who was in the living-room.

"Why should you be in such a rush?" He laughed, grabbing my arm to keep me from falling into his open bags.

"Are you leaving?" I blurted out like a small child while my heart sank at the very sight of his bags.

"I have to. The Dark Lord wishes me to do some research in England. And he gave me a highly useful assistant: Wormtail. Nice one."

"Peter Pettigrew? Of what kind of assistance can he be?"

Severus shot me a nasty glance. "Rebirth is his field of expertise I have heard."

"This is not funny." I grumbled, slumping onto my couch, I was so used to his presence, I didn't want to stay in my house all alone again.

"What is it princess?"

"Nothing."

"You behave like a child, Sadra."

"I know, I know." I got to my feet again, trying hard to swallow down the lump of disappointment in my throat.

"You know that this has not been a holiday camp." His voice has harsh.

"I said I know." I flared up.

His black eyes bored into mine when he looked up quickly.

"I want you to come every second weekend during the holidays."

"What? Why that?"

"Because Wormtail is under the impression we are married in case you forgot. It would look a little suspicious if you wouldn't turn up every now and then, don't you think?"

"Yes." Came my lame answer.

"All right. Come to see me weekend after next then. And don't look that sad. We are happy together." This time his smile was sadistic.

I made face. I knew I didn't deserve better, but it was hard enough for me the way it was and he hadn't to make fun of me.

He laughed. "Oh come here." He pulled me close and embraced me real tight. His touch sending a sensation through my body and as much as I could feel on my stomach, he was enduring the same feeling and he let go of me real quickly, immediately looking into my eyes again.

"You smell so good." His voice was husky and I knew he was fighting himself. For a second I was tempted to seduce him, knowing I would succeed this time, but I decided otherwise. He deserved better. If he ever wanted to kiss me again, he should make the first move.

* * *

It was ten days later when I was walking through the hideous street called Spinner's End. Adhara was still in Italy with Clot, writing funny picture-postcards every now and then, telling me how much fun they had. Maybe I should join them for a week or two? Merlin, this town was bleak.

The door opened immediately after the first knock, revealing Peter Pettigrew. I swallowed hard. Though I had seen him on a few occasions, I never had to endure the snitches presence so close and so long.

"Sadra!" He squealed, making me feel even more uncomfortable. I vaguely remembered all those evenings we spent together with James and Lily and Sirius. After all, he was the man who destroyed Sirius' life. And mine. Not to speak of Lily and James. I would have loved to punch or kick him in his stupid, grinning, colorless, shapeless, ugly face.

"Peter." I heard myself twittering instead.

"Come in, come in. We had some beautiful female visitors so far, but you are the most beautiful!"

"Really?" My voice became cold as ice. Female visitors? Beautiful? Hear, hear. I instantly regretted every second of my live I had been nice to Severus Snape.

"Yes!" He reaffirmed. "Narcissa and Bellatrix have been here last week. But you top the bill."

I nearly had to laugh about myself. Severus didn't like Narcissa very much and Bellatrix? Well, I think both of them would rather kill themselves instead of touching the other.

"Darling, there you are." Darling? He never called me 'Darling' before and he shouldn't get used to it. Severus swept over to me and embraced me, placing a delicate kiss on my lips.

"Hey, Baby. How are you?" I asked sweetly, seeing in his eyes that 'Baby' had been the right revenge for 'Darling'.

"Ah well, tired. A lot of work lately. Wormtail, a little privacy would be nice." He turned to face Peter.

"No, Snape. Sadra is an old friend of mine. I want to talk to her."

"But she doesn't want to talk to you. Now go."

Peter looked ready to kill, but left the living-room without another word. Severus sat down on the couch, grabbing for his glass of red wine. "Come here." He patted on the place next to him, his face serious and tense.

"What is it?" I slid next to him.

"Oh really!" Severus got to his feet, sending a curse into a book shelf, causing Peter to clop into the room. "What are you thinking, man? What?"

"She was my friend." Peter whimpered.

"I told you 'no'!" Severus spat.

"I want to talk an old friend of mine, what's your problem?" Peter said bravely.

"My problem is that she is _my_ wife and I want to have some privacy with _my_ wife before anyone else talks to her! Does that bother you?"

"No, no." Peter whimpered again.

"Then go and do something useful."

Peter slouched off again.

"Merlin, he makes me sick." Severus fell down next to me again. "Let's go upstairs. My bedroom is safe."

I chuckled.

* * *

We tried to talk in his tiny little bedroom, but it took only seconds and we became aware that Peter had started patrolling outside.

"Oh, dear. This is not working. Do you mind undressing yourself?"

"Wanna send me outside?"

"No, why feed you to the sharks?" His playful grin was sexy when he undid his shirt. "Come here to me." He commanded in a low voice and pulled me under his blanket while he switched off the lights on his bedside table, still wearing pants.

I slid out of my skirt under the blanket and undid my blouse. "What now?" I whispered, enjoying the situation.

"Now this!" He whispered back and the bed started rocking like we were having sex, bumping against the wall, grating miserably. I had to stuff his pillow in my mouth to keep me from laughing out loud.

"I thought the room was safe?" I pressed out in a whisper.

"I undid the spell. Peter wants to spy on us, so be it. I don't want him to know that this room is bugproof. He shall be the witness of our happy marriage. And now please…" I could hear him smile in the darkness. "Enjoy."

"Ah yes!" I moaned enthusiastically, trying not to burst with laughter. "Yes, oh, Severus!"

He grunted approving.

"Oh!" The bed was moving even faster and when I screamed out my final climax-indicating "Ah!" after a few minutes it even bucked a little.

"Oh, come on, I usually last a little longer." Severus whispered in my ear, causing goose bumps all over my body. The situation was far to heated not think about having real sex with him. I felt his naked upper body pressing against my back, carefully embracing me.

"And now: 'Muffliato!'"

"What does this?"

"It fills Peters ears with a elusively humming. I need to talk to you."

He quickly told me about the unpleasant visit of the Black sisters, never loosening his embracement.

"So there will be no way around this now." He finished.

"Oh Merlin. The Unbreakable Vow. Why did you do this?"

"To be honest- Bella provoked me. What should I have done? Tell Narcissa 'no'? I knew there would be no way around it, but still I hoped for the impossible. Now it has to happen. But Dumbledore approves. He said I strengthened my credibility."

"Oh me. This is flagrant."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. And now- it's time for another performance for our dear friend Wormtail."

"But…"

"What? Do you want to call me lazy lover?"

"No, but"…'why don't we just fuck for real for real' was on my lips, but I managed to say: "But what if he knocks one out over us?"

"I guess we will have to live with it."

________________________________________________________


	47. Conversions

**Chapter 47**

**-****Conversions-**

The rest of the summer passed pretty uneventful. I left Wormtail at Severus' mercy and soon was joined by Clot and Adhara, who had finished their vacation in Italy.

The stories from England reaching the continent became more and more alarming during that time: bridges seemed to collapse on their own accord, people vanished or dead bodies were discovered, the whole country was filled with a chilly mist and to round things up Fudge was replaced by Scrimgour, who used to be an Auror. People couldn't become more nervous.

"Looks like things are going down the drain, hm?" Clot watched me folding the newspaper.

"Dunno."

"You know the evil man your husband is working for is behind all these things, right?"

"My husband is a teacher in Hogwarts and not working for evil men unless you want to call Dumbledore one."

Clot sighed heavily. "You know what I mean. But never mind. It's just….it feels like things are getting out of hand. Now Harry Potter is the Chosen One all of a sudden and everybody thinks he is the only one with the power to finish the Evil off. "

"Well, maybe it is true." I looked at Clot. Her skin was brown, but the years had left their marks upon her face. The little wrinkles around her mouth and the crow's-feet told the story of a wild life. I had to smile, she smiled back. My friend who had always been by my side.

"Where will it lead us from here?" She asked, letting her eyes wander over to the beach.

"Mom!" Adhara interrupted the tension with her appearance.

"What is it?"

"I need new dress robes. My old ones are a mess!" She held up a bunch of red fabric accusingly under my nose. So my fifteen year old daughter had grown into a real unlikeable teenager finally. She was calmer than she had used to be, she was more impudent now and- I had to admit- quite a beauty. She had inherited the tall and slender curves of my family, but she was already taller than me for her father had been a real tall man. His thick jet black hair and the mysterious grey eyes gave her a seductive but innocent look, and it was easy to guess that especially the older boys in school were very interested in her. She got invitations to all events in school- be it a party of the fifth, sixth or seventh year.

"Maybe you should learn how to care of them then." I suggested, enjoying my role as a kill-joy. I know I would have hated my mother for this answer, too, but that was part of being a parent- sometimes you have to be as mean to your kids as your parents have been to you, just to stand it.

"Mom, really! Red doesn't suit me at all! I want to have some robes the same midnight-blue you have."

"Red doesn't suit you? " Clot grinned. "I like to veto."

Of course, Clot having black hair herself knew exactly what colors to wear to look better than good and silently I had to agree- red definitely looked banging on Clot.

"All right, we'll get you some new robes next week when we are buying your books, okay?"

Adhara looked content and went back to her room to – as I was sure- rummage through the rest of her belongings to force me to buy more new stuff next week.

"You shouldn't spoil her like that." Clot remarked.

"Do you think I am spoiling her?"

Clot rolled her eyes at me. "Am I flying? asked the bird. Of course you do."

"All right, all right, maybe a little, but I hardly see her and want to give her everything she needs."

"She has everything she needs, believe me. You have to be careful, she is at the age now to develop her own adult-personality and the first buds that are showing aren't the best if you ask me."

"Why that?" I was surprised to hear Clot talking like that; she had always loved my daughter and treated her like a younger sister.

"Well, she seems to become pretty selfish and demanding."

I choked my juice. "Hey, sounds like her father."

"This is not a funny thing, you know. Spend some time with her and you will know what I mean."

"Clot, sorry. I know I have neglected the both of you this summer, but…" My voice trailed away.

"There is no need to excuse, I know what you have been through, Sadra, that's why I took her with me. But now you seem to be fit again you should keep an eye on her development."

* * *

Keeping Clot's warning in mind, I soon enough found out what she had meant. I agreed to buy Adhara's new robes in London, because she told me she wanted to have something stylish and newfangled and I had agreed that London was the only city to fulfill this demand. Okay- maybe she was spoiled, but I totally understood her need for unique clothes. At the age of fifteen I hadn't been any better and it had been my utmost horror to see a girl sporting the same dress as me.

Diagon Alley was no longer the crowded shopping street it once had been. Some shops seemed to be closed for good, a lot of windows were covered in Ministry leaflets and most of the shoppers seemed to be in a hurry though it was a nice and not too warm summer day.

When it came to shopping I recognized my daughter knew no mercy. The best stuff was hardly good enough for her and she treated the vendors with a certain arrogance that strongly reminded me of my mother.

When we had finished our shopping we went to a little cosy café and I tried to talk to her about this behavior, but she didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. So far, Clot was right. Irritably I stirred milk into my coffee, thinking my daughter was a perfect mixture between the horrible attributes of the Burkes and those of the Blacks when she asked:

"Mom, is it true that Severus is a Death Eater?"

My mug crashed on the table, causing the spoon to jump and roll around boisterous before I was able to catch it.

"What?" I tried to whisper and scream at the same volume.

"People in my school said he used to be a Death Eater in the past and they assume that he still is one. Landor also said that my father is rumored to be a Death Eater, too. He says you really like dark wizards." She smiled lightly.

I stared at her. She looked innocent and so stupid at the same time. Did she really think that was something flattering? It obvious she was blabbing stuff she had picked up somewhere, but especially the part concerning her father would become hard for me.

"Now who is Landor to know things about your father and my husband?" I tried to remain calm.

"Oh, Landor will be a seventh year." Her cheeks flushed. "He is really good at school and at Quidditch, too. And he said I move with the nobility only a pure blood can have. And he told me that this would not be surprising, because you are my mother and you are married to a Death Eater now and he said he would bet a galleon that my father has been a pure-blooded Death Eater , too."

"Well, tell him he owes me a Galleon then." I couldn't help but to make fun.

"But he was pure-blooded, right?" The urge in her voice scared me, obviously her friends at school seemed to be very interested in these things.

"Yes, baby, he was. I told you." I assured her.

"How pure-blooded? I mean, just a generation or really pure?"

"Adhara, what has gotten into you? Haven't I always told you that this makes no difference?"

"Yes, but it…it is interesting, you know. You never speak about him and now you and Severus want to split up, too."

"Who said that?"

"No one, it's just, I mean, you have been fighting, he wasn't there all summer and I don't know what's going on. Did I do anything wrong?"  
"Oh baby!" Instinctively, I pulled her close. "Of course not! Look, it is hard for me to talk about your father and I have nothing more to tell you about him than I already did. But he was pure-blooded, and he came from a good old family."

"Which one?"

My insides felt like they were filled with tons of guilt, and I had to remember a conversation with Severus about this very theme some ten years ago. What should I tell her? Luckily, the waitress arrived to bring me a new coffee and gained me a few seconds to think.

I decided to ignore that question and continue: "Severus and I had a very bad fight, that is right, but it has absolutely nothing to do with you. And we are trying to fix our marriage, okay? I have just been down and that is why you spent some time with Clot, you know. I was a little depressive and everything." I spluttered, mopping unnecessarily with a napkin over the table.

"What did you do to him or did he do something to you? Cheating?"

"Adhara! That is not a question for you to ask your mother!"

"But yes! I have to live with its consequences so I have a right to know!"

"The right?" I snapped. "Behave like an adult person, maybe then you will be treated like one! You are sitting here- accusing your mother to be a cheating or cheated Death Eater wife and think you have a right to do this? Oh me, you really lost it, right?"

"Mom! I am sorry, okay? I never meant to insult you- I just wondered. You used to have such a happy marriage and now…now Severus just isn't there anymore."

"He will be there in the future, I already told you, we sorted things out and now I don't want to hear any more of this." My trembling hands had already crumbled a few sugar cubes. "None of this is your fault, okay?"

Adhara nodded. Obviously my outbursts still were fit to impress her.

"Now tell me more about Landor. Who is he? Do you fancy him?" I smiled. That son of a bitch. Planting stupid blood-status ideas in my daughter's head.

"Oh, Landor Carissiov. He is so sweet, Mom. He is currently spending the holidays here in England with his second cousin Draco Malfoy."

Hear, hear. Carissiov. I would have to ask Severus about this family.

"You know, he is not interested in Dark Arts or anything, he is just very interested in genealogy and he asked if maybe my father was a descendant of one of the old british families, you know?" She smiled.

Genealogy- yes, that what it is….I would have loved to kill Landor on the spot.

"He is so smart…" I only listened half to the appraisal of Landor coming out of my daughter's mouth. Clot was right all along- I would have to keep an eye on her. Apparently, she chose a very nice boy for her first love. Where was Fred Weasley if needed?

* * *

"And what exactly is it you want me to do now? I really have no time for educational problems now." Severus sounded annoyed when I contacted him via Floo later that week from the fire in Clot's flat. Adhara was back at Durmstrang and he was in Hogwarts, the school had started a few days ago, but I had decided to spend some more time in London.

"Who are these Carissiov people?" I demanded.

"Oh well, no idea. I heard the name from Karkaroff once or twice, must be a family comparable to the Malfoys, I think they are related somehow. Do you know he is dead?"

"Who? Malfoy?"

"No, Karkaroff. They just discovered his body today."

"Really?" This was not surprising, after all he had tried to betray the Dark Lord. "Who killed him?"

Severus smirked. "Not me."

"Fair enough."

"So what are you going to do tomorrow?"

"Dunno. Maybe I'll do some shopping here in London for myself."

"Ah, well. Taking care of the real important things in life."

I sighed, regretting that I had contacted him at all.

* * *

The next morning, Clot and me sat in front of Cyrella Crickells Café in Diagon Alley, having a cup of coffee and croissants. The sun was shining bright, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth on my face. Adahra was safely in Durmstrang now, the weather was fine and I was about to enjoy the day with my best friend when I recognized a familiar deep voice.

"You don't have Wadja? Then bring me coffee and…a sandwich, please."

Slowly I opened my eyes and saw Kingsley Shacklebolt sitting on the table in front of us, waving at me. He was wearing casual clothes, with a thick golden chain around his neck, reminding me of one of those rappers on muggle TV. I hadn't seen him for ages, but not wanting to be rude I smiled back and started to search my bag for one my muggle cigarettes.

"Bad habit, Miss Burke." Kingsley Shacklebolt, now standing in front of me, grinned and offered fire.

I was surprised, but allowed him to light my cigarette.

"It is Mrs. Snape. And what exactly do you mean, Mr. Shacklebolt? Smoking or asking for Wadja in the morning?"

"Both."

"Then maybe we should get rid of these habits?" I suggested, knowing that Wadja was a beverage much stronger than Firewhisky.

"Well, I was forced to take a pass on Wadja." He winked at me.

I raised an eyebrow- he was definitely in a flirty mood.

"Then you will allow me to finish this cigarette and then set a good example."

He laughed. "No, smoking suits you. It's despicable."

"You want to tell me, I'm despicable?" I teased.

"No, mysterious." We laughed.

"Ah, and you see yourself as a myth buster or something?"

"No, actually, I would prefer talking to a charming person, but as you seem to have difficulties with being charming, mysterious is the only compliment I can give you so far except your beauty." He fluttered his eyelashes.

"If you prefer conversation with a charming person then why don't you just leave and find yourself one?" I smirked, thinking he was bold.

Clot had followed our argument, looking amused.

He opened his mouth to respond, but suddenly the air was filled with rustling and the street was filled with sick darkness. Our heads jerked up. Mrs. Crickell started to scream inside. Through the thick darkness appeared about ten hooded and masked figures. The guests all started screaming, pushing away their tables, trying to escape as quickly as possible. But escaping seemed to be impossible as they were held back by some invisible force when they tried to get away. Kingsley grabbed his wand and looked wary. "Looks like I already found some."

"Look, it's an Auror over there!" one of the Death Eaters shouted.

Eight of them started to close in on him. I stood motionless and watched the scene, my body feeling tense and ready to fight. But who was I to fight? I quickly exchanged a glanze with Clot who looked just as confused as I felt.

"Get him!" someone screamed. Spells flew in our direction, Kingsley grabbed me around my waist and pushed us roughly to the ground, trying to protect our bodies with his. "Stay!" he whispered and jumped on his feet again, starting to fight. The Death Eater in charge screamed: "Get Crickell, the old hag, you two. She will see what the consequences are for not obeying the Dark Lord!" he motioned two Death Eaters inside the café. "The rest- get the Auror!"

I gulped. Eight against one. Not nice. But when had the Dark Lord ever been nice? Still I was not sure what my position should be. I was not under attack, I was the wife of one of them, but still I was involved and could definitely not roll around on the floor like a sissy.

Meanwhile the other two Death Eaters reappeared, dragging Mrs. Crickell with them. She screamed on top of her voice, blood dripping from her head. A Death Eater made a whip-like move with his wand, her head flew to the side, no more noises came from her throat. Kingsley jumped over an overturned table when I decided to get up, Clot followed my example. A Death Eater collapsed right in front of me. Kingsley had finished the guards of Mrs. Crickell with two spells and grabbed her hand.

I found myself encircled by four Death Eaters all of a sudden, their wands pointing at me. It was like in the old days at school- I made a sudden move, bend backwards and slashed all the Death Eaters behind me with a spell, then jumped to avoid the spells coming from the people in front of me. Clot was fighting another one viciously, using nearly the same method as me- our teacher would have been proud. When I wanted to start another attack I heard Kingsley scream: "Come!"

There were too many of them, he had the hostage, I knew we had to leave. Kingsley tugged Mrs. Crickell towards the fighters and apparated them away. Clot tried to grab for my hand when a spell hit her in the back. I tried to fetch her and apparate us away, but I broke loose before I could do something. I knew I made a mistake. The Death Eaters overpowered us and the world went black once more.


	48. Prospects

**Chapter 48**

**-Prospects****-**

"Wow, what the fuck was this all about?" My head swirled and ached. I was surrounded by tall figures in black robes, lying on a wooden floor, searching for Clot.

"I think you'll have to ask Mrs. Crickell." I looked up, staring right into the face of my husband.

"You?!"

"Quite obvious, yes."

"But…" I mind raced…why him? Why was he here? He was supposed to be in Hogwarts.

"I was told that my _wife_-"he put a delicate stress on this word, obviously aware of the way my thoughts were travelling "was fighting Death Eaters with no other than Kingsley Shacklebolt- an Auror of the Ministry. And so I was asked why my wife should do such a thing. Not knowing the answer myself, I came here to ask my wife in person why she should do such a thing."

"Ahhm, I was attacked, you know, Severus?"

"No one attacked you."

"Well, we were sitting at one of Mrs. Crickell's tables and Death Eaters turned up and attacked her- I mean what are we supposed to do?"

"Who attacked _you_?" His voice was harsh.

"Merlin!" I straightened myself. "We were sitting there, Shacklebolt offered fire for my cigarette and then Death Eaters appeared to get Mrs. Crickell. I mean- she is an old woman." I starred at Severus, knowing that counterattack would be the best way to get out of this. "We covered and when we got up we were surrounded by six of them. I mean- what are we to do? Why are six people pointing their wands at us? We had to fight back."

Severus expression was still unfathomable.

"Indeed you had to." This time I recognized Voldemort's voice. "You put up a very remarkable fight I was told. Well done."

"Thanks, been dueling champion in school." I became angry. What kind of interrogation was this supposed to be?

"Do you know Shacklebolt?" Voldemorts voice was very calm.

"No. I know who he is and that he is an auror, but that's it."

"So why are you talking to him?"

"As I have said before- he offered me a lighter when I was not able to find mine."

"You are a witch."

"I am not igniting cigarettes with my wand, thank you."

"Why did he offer you fire?"

"Manners?" My voice was snappy, this was stupid. I knew I shouldn't be talking to the Dark Lord like this, but I couldn't help it.

"Maybe this was more of a secret meeting, disturbed by my fellows?"

"What?! No!" I flared up, feeling slightly dizzy. Both, Voldemort and Severus stared at me. I knew what they were up to, but this time I had nothing to hide.

"So you say you were at the wrong place at the wrong time with wrong company?"

"I didn't ask for this company, remember?" My voice became shrill. "I was having coffee with my friend! Where is she?" This time my voice was shrill with fear. What had they done to Clot?

"Why did you attack?"

"Because six masked and hooded figures pointed their wands at us!"

"Who was in charge of this?" A small figure stepped forwards. I could have sworn it was Wormtail. Voldemort slowly nodded, turning to a tall figure next to Peter.

"What do you say, Fenrir?"

"She talked to him. She cannot be trusted." His voice was hoarsely. Instinctively, I moved backwards a little- Fenrir Greyback? The cruelest werewolf of the century? Why was he here? Severus never mentioned him so far.

"Careful, Greyback." Severus stared at him with murder in his eyes. I could tell Severus did not want to have him near me.

"Where is Clot?" I repeated bravely. I was- for once- sure I had done nothing wrong.

"She is in the room next to us. We are…interrogating her, too." A small person, who had been quiet so far, answered me. I tried to stay calm and breathed deeply, trying to straighten myself. I prayed that Clot would just stick to the truth like me.

Another masked figure came from a door to my right and whispered urgently with Voldemort who followed him out of the room without another word.

I seized the opportunity to get up, still staggering a little, but boiling with rage. This time it was not my fault! It had been a sunny day in a safe street in a nice shop! I had definitely done nothing wrong! I searched Severus gaze. He stood still in the middle of the crowd. Matter of fact, he did not move at all, he was just looking at me with a calm, almost lazy- and was it possible?- even tender expression.

Voldemort came back from the other room and talked to Severus who slightly nodded before the Dark Lord left the room for good.

"Well." His face was rigid as he addressed the others. "The Dark Lord just informed me that my wife and her friend are not involved with Shacklebolt at all. Their word is true. Which leads us to the questions why you" – his gaze lingered on Wormtail- "attacked."

The latter winced as Severus raised his wand.

"Tell me, Pettigrew. Why did you raise your wand against my wife? A woman you claim to be your friend?"

Peter concentrated on staring at the floor.

"Tell me." Severus voice was dangerously low now.

Wormtail looked up, almost defiantly, but said nothing.

"Crucio!"

The cries of the small rat filled the room, and I was horrified to see Severus using an unforgivable curse without warning.

"What have you been thinking to raise your wand against my wife?" His voice didn't betray a feeling when he lifted the curse.

"She..she.." Wormtail only whimpered. "She is so proud and she didn't really wanted to talk to me in the summer and I…I thought I could threaten her a little."

I took Severus only a second to grab the front of Wormtails cloak and force him to his feet. "You did this for fun? To teach my wife a lesson?" He hissed.

Wormtail only whimpered again.

"Crucio!" The force of the spell send Wormtail flying through the room; he smashed into the opposite wall and Severus face was full of hatred.

"Severus, please." I looked at him, frightened by his force and his power. Moments like this only reminded me too well of what he could have done to me after he found out about Sirius.

He lifted the curse and looked at me, Wormtail was sobbing hard.

"Leave him, I mean, I…I want to go home. I want to go home with Clot. Don't…" My voice faded under his gaze.

"I will leave it at that my friends. But remember: No one- I repeat: no one- is entitled to threaten my wife!" With that he pulled me close to his chest and I began to cry in duty bound.

"Get the other woman." He commanded and after a few moments, Clot was brought into the room, her left eye bruised and swollen.

"Clot!" I screamed, hugging her tightly, crying even harder. She had done nothing wrong, but still they had mistreated her.

"Let's go." Severus took both our hands and we vanished on the spot.

* * *

For me it was no problem to recover from this scene, but Clot was deeply shocked.

"I never knew." She would whisper. "I never knew he had such power." She often started shacking slightly and it took all my willpower to leave her in London when I had to return to work a few days later.

Still bad news kept coming. Clot causing me sorrow, Death Eaters were gaining strength everywhere, disappearances were the order of the day and Severus was not making our lot easier when he came to me in October, giving me a grim smile.

"This was quite some feat, hmm? To have brought all this on yourself and your friend?"

"I didn't bring anything to anyone. This time it was not my fault!"

He sighed deeply. "I know. But you have to appreciate the humor of the situation." I shot him an angry glaze, knowing what he was aiming at. Thorfinn, who had lost his Greta due to the fact she had been a mood-blood had declared to love Clot and was courting now. Clot, on the other hand, was so deeply impressed by Severus and the Death Eaters demonstration of power that she was willing to agree to a marriage with Thorfinn. Though I wished her the best in life I somehow knew that our abduction had destroyed something in her; she had lost most of her mirth. I was afraid that she was only considering to marry Thorfinn because of this- because of his power. I was afraid she had given in and with that I was afraid that she might turn her back on me.

"I really do not think this is funny."

He sighed. "Neither do I. But what do you want to do?" His fingers ran through my poker cards I had left on the table.

"This can't be happening! My daughter is going out with a pure-blood maniac, my best friend is about to marry a real Death Eater and I…" I stopped dead.

"And you?"

"I can't let this happen!"

"Sirius would be proud of you." His voice was lacking warmth.

"Oh, Severus! What is going on?" I had to refrain myself from stumping on the floor like a little child.

"You remember the first time he had the power, don't you? And his power is attractive otherwise he wouldn't be so successful. Your friend has been seduced by this power. This happens all day, every day. Let her marry Thorfinn, he is not a bad person."

"But he is a real Death Eater! He is killing people, he is abusing people, he is… a monster of a man!"

"So am I. Your problem is that you have to face a truth you don't like. You better get accustomed to this."

"But Severus…"

"Sadra, you are trying to deny the facts. A lot has changed since the fight in the Ministry and we will have to cope with it. This is only the beginning."

* * *

"But you don't love him! You hardly know this man!" It was a stormy November day outside, yet again I tried to persuade Clot not to marry Thorfinn.

"Sadra! I told you why I want to do this. I am not young anymore- I am in my mid-thirties, I never had any kind of dependability in my life and I am sick of this. I want to have a man to protect me like Severus does for you. Who knows what will be up next? I don't want to be alone!"

"You are not alone. You have a lot of friends! You have me!"

"You know that this is not the same. I wasted so much time with meaningless affairs, always hoping for Mr. Right to appear one day, but he never came. Now I have the opportunity to marry a handsome, nice and powerful man, so I will take it. Maybe I will even be a mother one day. Thorfinn says He-who-must-not-be-named wants all his Death Eaters to father a lot of children."

I rolled my eyes at her. Maybe he had put her under Imerpius? "I know what the Dark Lord wants, but Clot- you can't be serious. You always seemed to happy the way it was."

"Maybe I have changed. Times have changed. What more can I ask for? This might be my last change to have a normal life."

"But you despise "normal" life? Remember?"

"Sadra." She sounded sad. "Please, give me your blessing."

"Oh Clot." I stared at her, not knowing what to think or feel about this. I knew she had a point, sure we all changed, but I was still not sure if this really was the result of the usual female bitterness and the biological clock or if the abduction had caused permanent damage.

She gave me small smile. "Come on, Sadra. Who but you should be my maid of honor?"

I sighed deeply. "Oh Clot. Of course I will do this."

* * *

"So they are going to marry in the spring?" Severus asked between two spoons of Crème Brulee.

"Hmmm." It was Christmas Holliday and he would be spending the entire time with me.

"You still do not seem to approve."

"I don't know. Everything seems to be so wrong. Even the sun doesn't shine properly anymore." I was picking at my food gloomily.

"Sadra. It is absolutely necessary that you do not hang your head in sorrow now you know? We cannot afford this."

"Hmm." I shrugged.

"What's ailing you?" He sounded amused.

"I feel alone."

"Ah." He raised an eyebrow, continuing to eat.

"Is that all you have to say?"

"I am afraid yes. Maybe it would help you to pursue a boy who is desperately trying to kill Dumbledore and nearly finished off one of his schoolmates? And refuses to tell you what he is up to? And sure enough you love to have the delightful prospect of killing the old man yourself sooner or later."

"Okay, okay. My problems are no problems and I will be good." I sighed.

"No, Sadra." His hand took mine and squeezed it lightly. "I feel alone, too. But we have to deal with what we have. I am glad to rest my head here every once in a while, and it would be easier for me to see you happy."

* * *

I only met him once again this term- it was the wedding of Clot and Thorfinn where we once more played the happy couple. Sure, he was writing to me occasionally, telling me the latest events in Hogwarts like the poisoning of Ron Weasley and Harry using nasty spells against Draco, but I had the distinct feeling that whatever he had felt for me was gone.


	49. Tides

**Chapter 49**

**-Tides****-**

"I did it."

Looking at him, I knew it was needless to ask what he had done. I felt a sudden rush of emptiness in my stomach. He had killed him. He had killed Dumbledore. The most powerful wizard of the century, the Head of the resistance. There would be no Dumbledore no more; he was dead. Killed by the very man in front of me.

I could feel Severus gaze lingering on my face, I would have to look at him, I would have to tell him he did no wrong, ensure him that he did what the old man had requested. That he had done right. But had he done right?

My eyes found his- dark and deep like they always used to be. And there was absolutely nothing for me to read in these eyes. He stared at me with a fathomless expression, not friendly, not shocked, just a plain expression. I blinked.

"I will have to go into hiding for a while. They will be looking for me." His tone was as plain as his face, even talkative, but knowing him I was able to sense the undertone. He was fighting himself for what he had done. I didn't know what to do or say. I mean what do you say to someone who just had killed another man?

"Who?"

He laughed out bitterly. "Well, let's see. The Ministry, the Order…"

"But why?" I felt stupid, obviously not seeing the obvious.

He sighed, heaving himself out of the chair, walking to my bar, helping himself to a measure of Firewhisky. "Potter." He spat. "Of course, Potter was there. He is butting in everywhere."

I couldn't help but snorting. Butting in, really. Severus raised an eyebrow at me, not understanding why I was laughing.

"So funny?"

"Sorry, it was just the word you chose."

"Ah. But I chose it with reason. Listen."

It took Severus only a few minutes to explain to me what had happened on top of the Astronomy Tower.

After he had finished I stared at him. My mind was blank, I had no idea what to say or feel or think. It was mid June by now, I hadn't seen him since Clot's wedding, now he was standing in front of me after killing Dumbledore and was telling me that he had nearly everyone in the Wizard's society against him.

Severus was staring back, drinking Firewhisky rapidly now.

"I will have to leave soon. It just a question of time they will be here to look for me."

I slowly nodded.

"Will you come with me?"

I looked at him utterly surprised. This was the last question I had expected.

"Me? But why?"

He didn't answer my question but looked at me with a kind of intensity that answered all of my questions. I had been mistaken. Whatever he had felt for me was not gone. I had to take a step back, returning his gaze, I wanted him to see that my feelings for him had never changed.

"Sadra, will you come into hiding with me?"

I was remembering another man for a second who had asked me to go into hiding with him so many years ago, remembering how it ended. My eyes swept back to Severus, I could see his chest heaving calm and steady, knowing that this time things would be different. He wouldn't mess up, that had been the very reason I had married him all these years ago. There was only one possible answer.

"I will."

Without another word he took my hand.

* * *

"Where are we?" I whispered. The place was completely dark.

"In Scotland. _Lumos_." The light of his wand-tip revealed a huge room, empty except for a fireplace. The walls were built of massive stones and seemed to be ancient.

"Is this a castle?" I was still whispering though there was no reason to be quiet.

"Yes, it is. It is an ancient castle, belonging to the old kings." He lit a huge fire in the fireplace, flames were licking wood all of a sudden, making soft crackling noises. I never was able to stop wondering when he had learned all this.

"Why here?" My eyes followed his swift movements while he was protecting the place with all kinds of spells.

"This is a place that has absolutely no known connection to both of us."

"Fair enough." I smiled, my stomach grumbled.

"Are you hungry?" His voice was unusually soft.

"Oh, it's okay." I quickly lied.

"Such lies." He smiled, taking a small package out of his robe and revealed its content- it was full of shrunken food.

"You really think of everything."

"Well, seeing that you- as a woman- are thinking more about shoes than food I thought I should take care of the essential things." He teased.

I rolled my eyes at him, smiling. Of course I had not taken anything with me- least of all shoes, but I had to admit that I hadn't even been thinking about food.

So we sat down in front of the fireplace, eating in silence, both staring into the flames, dwelling on our thoughts.

"How do you feel?" I suddenly asked, taking a sip from my red wine.

"What?" He sounded amused.

"How do you feel?"

"I understood that much, thank you. What do you mean?"

"Does it hurt somehow?"

"No."

"Dumbledore told me that killing would somehow reduce a soul." I said- more to myself.

"Oh, it does. But it isn't a pain in the way you think."

"What kind of a pain is it?"

"Your presence should give you an idea of what kind this pain is."

"My presence? You mean it is some kind of loneliness?"

"Do you think I would mind loneliness?"

"No, you wouldn't." I looked back into the red gleaming embers, feeling the heat it emitted while I could feel the coldness of the room in my back.

"Are you cold?" His fingers on my arm jolt me out of my dreams.

"No, it is okay." He put his hand back and I understood.

"It is because you know that I still love you."

Silence fell between us.

After what felt like an eternity he answered softly: "Yes. That is the reason. It makes it easier if you can return to someone who loves you."

The counter-question was burning in my throat, but I had to keep my mouth shut or I would ruin the situation.

"I know that you love me. I can see it in your eyes. It was always there." He murmured absentmindedly. "Even when you…" He shook his head angrily.

I concentrated on the fire. Every word I would speak would destroy this.

"..when you fucked Black. Don't think I didn't know about your feeble attends to live with him again."

I felt tears forming in eyes. Merlin, this was so horrible. I would haven given everything I own and more to undo this.

"But still you loved me all the time." He sighed. "That is impressive."

Still I was not sure where he was heading.

"I need you tonight."

I looked over to him, the flames playing in his black eyes, flickering, giving him an almost diabolic look. Yes, I loved him. And I would not ask a single question now. I would give him what he needed now for that was all I could do to make up for the hell I had brought over us.

I leaned over to him, starting to kiss his cold lips, slowly and sensual. It took a few seconds for him to answer my kiss, but when he started kissing me back I felt better than I had done in years.

* * *

We were lying in the huge bed he had conjured out of thin air, he was holding me cuddled against his chest, his breathing calm and steady and again.

I still could feel him on me, inside of me. His lovemaking had been rough, ungoverned, wild, breathtaking. He had been as close to me as he could, thrusting hard, gripping my hair, pressing me against him as hard as he could. I had never felt this possessed before, but still he had never been so vulnerable, so longing for me.

Still, I was not sure whether he had used me to feel better or if this was a confession. But I would not ask. Once in my life I would keep my mouth shut.

The room was darker now, only the dying embers gave a little light, but it was not cold. Severus body was warm against mine, silken sheets covering us.

"Sadra." He whispered softly in my ear, entwining his hand with mine. His unusual tenderness sent a spill down my spine. I kissed his hand.

"Do you regret what happened?"

"No." I could hear him smile in the darkness.

"Why did you had to do this to me?"

"I was overwhelmed by old feelings. I am so sorry that I have done this to you. It was meaningless, worthless, unnecessary and still I hurt you. Forgive me."

"Overwhelmed by old feelings. Funny, now you mention it." I could feel the heat of his erection in my back, while his free hand stroked my thigh, wandering up between my legs.

I sighed, he was torturing me and I deserved no better. His fingers played with my flesh, feeling that I was ready for him. He gently put my leg up and spoonstyled me. Merlin, how I had missed him, his deep voice close to my ear when he came again, his hot breath on my face, his perfect way of touching me.

Next thing I know is how we were lying face to face, looking into each others eyes in the twilight. His face looked much younger now, his fingers ran over my cheekbone.

"Wife."

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I could see Severus standing in front of me, closing his shirt. He seemed to be in a hurry.

"What's up?" I asked drowsily.

"Actually, I prefer being dressed when I visitors arrive."

"Visitors?"

"Indeed Mrs. Snape."

With a scream I pressed the sheet against my chest, but Voldemort seemed to be entirely uninterested in my feminine charms.

"Congratulations, Severus. Congratulations indeed. You have done well."

"My Lord."

"It is a day to celebrate. To praise your deeds! Now the old man is gone it will be very easy. And we have to plan our next steps." He laughed cruelly. "Come to the Headquarter tonight. And bring your beautiful wife along. You can't seem to live without her." Again he laughed. "Don't forget that the two of you owe me a child! See you tonight. Well done, Severus, well done!" With that he vanished without a noise.

"Merlin." I gasped.

"Sorry Sadra, my mark had just burned, but I thought he would take his time. But it is good. Now he is ensured that our marriage is intact." He grinned dirty.

I stretched lazily, ensuring to present my curves in a most seductive way. "No, it is merely disconcerting to see him in such a good mood. He was actually laughing." I smiled, while his words hammered inside my brain 'now he is ensured..' did this mean we were still playing?

Severus had frozen while I had moved, lust glittering in his eyes again. When he knelt before me I opened my thighs willingly at his command, but I was still not sure where this would end.

* * *

"To Severus!"

"To Severus!" It echoed from all the Death Eaters throats.

"Now my friends we finally succeeded! The Ministry will soon be ours! And no Dumbledore whatsoever will pester us! His stupid weaklings will dissolve and we will lead all witches and wizards into a great future! No more mudbloods! Wizardkind will be pure and proud again! The muggles will be put in their places! History will remember you as the constructors of a new, wealthy and healthy society! To the future!"

"To the future!" I raised my goblet, feeling sick. I never liked Dumbledore much, but the way his death was celebrated with blatant joy gave me a strange feeling. My gaze swept to the only person in the room who also seemed to be unhappy- Narcissa.

Severus had told me how he managed to escape with Draco and how he tried to explain to the Dark Lord what had happened on top of that tower to make it sound better for Draco, but Voldemort was more than displeased with Draco's failure and it was rumored that he had tortured the boy.

Narcissa stared back blankly. I had expected her to be jealous because I was the number one Death Eater wife now, but surprisingly her husband's and her son's fate really seemed to mean something to her. Though I never had thought it possible: I felt pity for her.

"Come, Sadra." Severus' voice distracted me from my thoughts, the other Death Eaters had started to dance and Severus was leading me towards them.

Later that evening, I stood outside with my glass, looking at the stars, thinking about Dumbledore and what he had said about life, love and living. How he had taken care of me. Sirius was very bright this night, but I banished the thought of him quickly.

"So alone?" It was Severus.

"Hmm."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Life in general. And what it will be like now."

"You have nothing to fear. I will protect you." He placed his hand on my hips, his chin on my shoulder and warmed my body which had become cold in the chilly summer night.

"Thank you."

"The Dark Lord just promised me that I will be next Headmaster of Hogwarts."

"Wow, that's great."

"Yes, everyone will just love me!"

"Oh, Severus. Can't you just tell McGonagall and the others what has happened?"

"And blow my cover? Who is doing your thinking for you?"

"But you can't allow them to go on believing that you killed him!"

"Do I have a choice?" He played with a strand of my hair that had fallen out of my bun.

"But they will hate you."

"Well, I guess, I have to live with it."

"But…"

"Sadra, there is no point in discussing this. The world believes I killed the old man which- as a matter of fact- I did."

I sighed, shrugging.

"Come in, it is cold."


	50. Sacrifices

**Chapter 50**

**-Sacrifices****-**

"And there was nothing you could do?"

"What do you think?" Severus grinned evilly.

"Poor woman."

"Yeah, well."

"Did you meet Mundugus?"

"I did."

"What did he say?"

"Sadra, please. Tonight will be tough enough."

"What if Harry will be killed?"

"He won't."

"How can you be so sure?"

"First, I would say, because we are not entitled to kill him."

"Maybe accidently?"

"Well, I will be there and besides- Potter always slips out of tight spots due to a combination of luck and even more luck."

He closed his cloak, looking impressive in the dark black material. I was not sure what to think of all the latest events. Voldemort had released all his prisoners, he had nearly gained control over the Ministry and tonight he was intending to get Harry Potter. I had the strange feeling that my husband was fighting a lonely fight now Dumbledore was dead.

"Now give me a smile." He mocked.

I shot him a nasty glance. "How very funny you are sometimes."

"And how very confiding in me you are sometimes."

"Severus, I am afraid."

"There is no need for you to be afraid. If Potter gets killed accidently I will remain a devoted Death Eater as I have always been. So why worry?"

With that he was gone.

* * *

In August it was clear that Voldemort had again failed in the attempt to capture Harry who seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. The Ministry now was in Voldemort's hands and he began to chase muggle-borns.

Of course, none of us realized what was going on in the beginning- for the wives of the Death Eaters the new era was more of a party than anything else and I was a celebrated member of the exclusive club for my husband was now Headmaster of Hogwarts.

Once again my main function had become being a nice accessory for my valued and most successful husband.

Luckily, I was allowed to continue working because Voldemort was of the opinion that his Death Eaters wives should set a good example and be nice and proper housewives. A job that definitely didn't suit me at all.

Severus, of course, was very busy at Hogwarts and so it was already after Christmas when we met again.

"It's been a long time."

"I know."

"You look good."

"Thank you."

"New Year's Eve we are inveted."

"Let me make an educated guess-yet another reception?"

"Wow. Did you use the time of absence to improve your Divination skills?"

"Hardly." I sighed.

"What?" He laughed. "A little coffee cup reading does no harm."

"Talking about coffee cups…what's up with Harry?"

"What do mean- what's up with Harry? Isn't it enough that he escaped from Godric's Hollow and from that Lovegood place?"

"Well, actually it is- he's good, isn't he?"

"Hmpf."

"The Dark Lord shouldn't have captured Luna. Kidnapping is a foul way of…"

"Don't be naïve! Kidnapping is a way to achieve one's goal and the Dark Lord wouldn't be who he is if he wasn't using options because they exist without thinking about fairness."

"You have a point here."

"Sadra. I do not want to argue."

"Neither do I."

We starred at each other, feeling more estranged than ever.

"I have a gift for you."

Without waiting for my response he drew a little package out of his cloak and handed it to me. I opened it and found a beautiful necklace made of finest sapphire.

"Severus!" I gasped. This necklace must have cost more than a fortune.

"It belonged to my mother. I want you and later your daughter to wear it. I have no use for this."

"Oh, Merlin."

* * *

The New Year's reception was the usual drama, though a lot of people congratulated to our Wedding Day- a fact I had almost forgotten. Since Severus had given me his family heirloom I was completely out of it. I was not sure whether he wanted to say that he still loved me or if he wanted to say goodbye- be it because he would be leaving me or die soon. We had slept with each other often during those last few days, but still I was not able to give myself an appropriate answer.

* * *

It must have been March when I realized that something was entirely wrong with me. I felt tired all the time, sick and heavy. I wanted to sleep all day and all night and I even skipped work for a few days. Clot came to visit me- still happy with Thorfinn.

"Hey, what's up with you? People told me you are sick, but you look okay."

"Thank you, Clot." I yawned. "I am okay, I'm just tired."

"Tired? Skipping work because you are tired? That sounds unlike you- my dutiful friend." She laughed.

"Dunno. Maybe I am getting lazy?"

"Too lazy to work? You will not keep your job for very much longer if you are getting to lazy to work, my dear! No- just kidding, I mean…you don't feel sad? Or something?"

"Oh, you think, I am depressive? Nah, I don't think so. I am in a good mood."

"Good enough to eat?" She grinned evilly. "You gained a little weight, hmm?"

Our gazes met and it took only a second to know that we were thinking along the same line.

"No." I was the first to speak again.

"No? But you have been sleeping with him?"

"But I always took my potion! I swear, I did!"

"Nearly every time?"

"Every time!" My voice was definitely sounding hysterical now. Severus would kill me!

"Hey hey, easy, girl. There is only one way to find out what's up with you."

* * *

The midwife had nothing to say to me, I didn't already know. I was pregnant, and I was too far along to even think about getting rid of the child.

How could this have happened?

"But I took my potion." I refrained from stomping on the floor like a child.

"Child, sometimes, love has its own means." The voice of the old woman was cawing.

"What?!" I snapped, causing the old witch to turn her face away from my ungrateful features.

"You mean," Clot was interrupting "you mean- a potion can become useless because of feelings?"

"Sometimes, child, sometimes."

"Maybe he just changed bottles?" Clot suggested to the old witch.

"Clot!"

"What?"

"He doesn't want to have a child! He just does NOT want to! I know! He told me a hundred times!"

"Child. I know your husband. He is a powerful wizard. Maybe he knows his days are numbered."

I stared at her in disbelief. What was the old hag trying to tell me?

"So he changed bottles?" Clot seemed to be very fond of her idea.

"I would not know, child. Whatever it is, it is powerful. You ought to have this child, my dear. That much is sure." The old witch looked at me again.

"Is there any other option?" The greed in my voice was apparent.

"No, there is not. Leave now."

* * *

"No." His voice was a hollow whisper. "What have you done?"

"Severus." I was pleading. "I swear, I took that potion, I swear!"

"How could you?" He spat.

"I have done nothing wrong!"

"No, of course not! You never do wrong!" His tone was aggravated.

"Severus, she said…she said..it sometimes just happens. She said something about love and its own means and…"

He laughed out bitterly.

"Love? And its own means? Who are you trying to fool?"

"Severus, please!" For the first time in my life was pleading "not guilty" for a reason.

I took this potion. Every single time I had been with him.

Hate made his eyes glisten.

"Why are you trying to bring me down like this?"

"Bringing you down?" It had taken a few days to get accustomed to this new life growing inside of me, but now that there would be no other way than to be its mother, I would be fighting for my child like a lion. That was the very reason I had visited Severus at Hogwarts that stormy night in April.

"To bring you down?! You? A foul double agent? What could enlighten your boss – I mean the one who is still alive- more than this?!"

"Shut up!"

"What is it you want me to do? Jump down one of your endless staircases here? I will if you want me to! This is not my fault! Oh, forget it- I won't. Just fuck you!" I turned to leave.

"This was not meant to be your child!" I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Oho! Maybe you should watch out with whom you are sleeping!"

"Maybe you should have been faithful! Maybe you could have replaced her in my heart!"

"Is it Lily again?"

"Was it Sirius that night?!"

The door slammed.

* * *

I slammed the newspaper onto the table. This couldn't be the truth! My husband was dead and

I had to read it in the Daily Prophet. My eyes started darting from the headline to the window

to the fireplace and back, I felt like someone was strangling me while a fist was clenching my

heart.

A fight in Hogwarts. Voldemort defeated, Harry Potter saved the world and my husband was killed. My trembling fingers found the edge of a chair. He always had things under control, he was so powerful, this could not have happened to him.

I sat down and like a dark wave the truth hit me, tears started pouring from my eyes and I screamed out in misery. Severus would never come back home to me.

* * *

I gave birth to his son in a stormy night in October. I named him Severus after his father, he had his dark black eyes. It had been him.


End file.
